King-Size Homer/Quotes


 * Homer: I'm purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability!
 * Marge: Are you out of your mind? Have you thought about your health? Or your appearance?
 * Homer: So that's it, isn't it, Marge? Looks. I never knew you were so shallow.
 * Marge: Oh, please. I would love you if you weighed 1000 pounds, but --
 * Homer: Beautiful! Goodnight!


 * Lisa: Dad, what are you doing down there?
 * Homer: Washing my fat guy hat, honey.


 * Lisa: Hey, leave my dad alone. Just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad: he's a sweet man and he has real feelings.
 * Homer: (inside) Hey, what are you kids looking at?
 * Milhouse: Hey, look he's trying to get up and yell at us!
 * Homer: Don't make me close that shade!

(pokes window with the broom, then loses interest)


 * Homer: Well, give me a Y, give me a…Hey! All I have to type is Y. (to Marge) Hey, Miss Doesn't-find-me-attractive-sexually-anymore, I just tripled my productivity!
 * Marge: Good. Good for you.


 * Lisa: Ew! Mom, this whole thing is really creepy. Are you sure you won't talk to Dad?
 * Marge: Mmm, I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how. Your father can be surprisingly sensitive. Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency.


 * Lisa: Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?
 * Marge: Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon as he finds something good on TV. But this season… (shudders)


 * Homer: Ohh…225! That means I lost weight!
 * Bart: Ahem…Homer, you're, uh, on the towel rack.

(Homer moves his stomach. The scale shows 296.)
 * Homer: Woo hoo! Four more pounds and my dream comes true: working at home.


 * Lisa: Obesity is really unhealthy, any doctor will tell you that.
 * Homer: Oh yeah? Well we'll just see about that little miss smart guy!

(Cut to Dr. Hibbert's office)
 * Dr. Hibbert: (gasps) My God, that's monstrous. I've never heard of anything so negligent -- I'll have no part of it!
 * Homer: Can you recommend a doctor who will?
 * Dr. Hibbert: Yes!


 * Bart: If you gain 61 pounds they'll let you work at home?
 * Homer: Y'uh huh, that's the deal. No more exercise program, no more traffic, no more blood drives or charity walks.
 * Bart: Dad, I know we don't do a lot together but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of.


 * Homer: Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?
 * Carl: Uh, he's at home on disability.
 * Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that awards stupidity.
 * Homer: Stupidity, eh?


 * Bart: Bad news, Dad. We're out of food. We're even out of the basic elements of food. You ate all the tarragon and you drank all the soy sauce!

(Shopping at The Vast Waistband)
 * Homer: I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with the muumuu.


 * Homer: All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.


 * Mr. Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three-Mile Island. Bravo!


 * Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day, while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death.
 * Bart: And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt prevented the spread of toxic gas.
 * Marge: Bart!


 * Ralph: I heard your dad went into a restaraunt and ate everything in the restaraunt and they had to close the restaraunt!
 * Lisa: Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some food crazed maniac!
 * Homer: (as he drives past in Ice Cream Truck, sampling the ice creams) Oh, that's raspberry!


 * Homer: I've gotta call the plant and warn them!

(Homer pushes buttons on the phone)
 * Recorded Voice: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm ... now.

(at Aztec Theatre)
 * Manager: I'm sorry, sir, but our facilities are not equipped to suit your needs.
 * Homer: What are you talking about?
 * Manager: Oh what I'm saying sir is that a man of your... carriage wouldn't possibly fit in our seats.
 * Homer: I could sit in the aisle!
 * Manager: I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.
 * Man: Hey, fatty! I've got a movie for you! "A Fridge Too Far"!


 * Marge: That's it, thats the one, alright, send him on in.
 * Lisa: Dad...
 * Homer: Yes, honey?
 * Lisa: Uh..mm... mom just baked a cake...
 * Homer: (runs to kitchen) Huh?
 * Marge: Homer, we need to have a serious chat.
 * Homer: You dragged me all the way from work for that!


 * Homer: (singing chirpily) Bart and Lisa have to go to school well I get to stay home, na na na na naaa na!
 * Lisa: I like school.
 * Homer: Well why don't you live in it, then?
 * Lisa: I would if I could.
 * Bart: Not me, sister. When I grow up I want to be a lardo on workman's comp, just like Dad.