I Love Lisa/Quotes


 * Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have any nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there!


 * (The variations of Lisa's Valentine's Card)
 * Lisa: I Choo-Choo-Choose You!

(Later)
 * Ralph: You Choo-Choo-Choose me?

(Later)
 * Ralph: I was so glad when you Cho-Cho-Chose me!


 * Moe: [reads his Valentine] "To Moe. From your secret admirer."
 * Barney: Yoo hoo!
 * Moe: Oh God, no!
 * [Barney blows a kiss and belches]


 * Guy: Where do you want these beef hearts?
 * Lunchlady Doris: On the floor.
 * Guy: It doesn't look very clean.
 * Lunchlady Doris: Just do your job, heart boy.
 * [The man drops the hearts from the truck to the floor]


 * Groundskeeper Willie: I didna cry when me own father was hung for stealin' a pig... But I'll cry now. [Cries on Principle Skinner's shoulder.]

[Skinner pulls the lever that closes the curtain and pats Willie on the shoulder to comfort him.]]


 * Lisa: Ralph thinks I like him but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him.
 * Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?


 * Homer: You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops.
 * Chief Wiggum: They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?


 * Ralph: [to Lisa] Uh... so... do you like... stuff?


 * Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors. [kids laugh at him]
 * Miss Hoover: The children have a right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. Now, take out your red crayons.
 * Ralph: Miss Hoover. I don't have a red crayon.
 * Miss Hoover: Why not?
 * Ralph: I ate it.


 * Grampa: Bah, this is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards.
 * Jasper: Aww... a Valentine from my daughter!
 * Grampa: Can I have the envelope?


 * Miss Hoover: You may now exchange Valentines.
 * Ralph: Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.


 * Ms. Hoover: First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines.
 * Lisa: Isn't that just pointless busy-work?
 * Ms. Hoover: [taps her nose] Bull's-eye. Get cracking.


 * Principal Skinner: Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. Some student (possibly Bart Simpson) has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color sentiments.


 * Krusted: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on wowie-sauce!
 * [shows video]
 * Sideshow Mel: Everybody's always kissing your ass. Well I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a -bleep-


 * [About Krusty's 29th Anniversary Show]
 * Bart: I'd give anything to go to that show!
 * Homer: I'd sell my first-born son!
 * Bart: Hey!
 * Homer: You'll do as you're told!


 * Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
 * Marge: Well, honey, when I...
 * Homer: [puts up a hand] Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English...
 * Lisa: I get the idea.
 * Homer: I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will.


 * Homer: Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.


 * Lisa [when Ralph shows up at the Simpson house] Just make up some excuse! [runs to hide]
 * Homer: [answering the door] She's in the can. Go away.


 * Bart: Oh it isn't fair. I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test!
 * Lisa: I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him.
 * Bart: You're right, Lis, you shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you.
 * Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
 * Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
 * Lisa: What if he wants a kiss?
 * Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
 * Lisa: What if he...?
 * Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.


 * Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
 * Homer: Sure it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you?


 * Lisa: That story isn't suitable for children.
 * Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version.


 * Principal Skinner: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.


 * Miss Hoover: Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?


 * Ralph: Leave me alone. I'm here to play George Washington.


 * Bart: [after Miss Hoover carries him offstage] Unhand me, Yankee!


 * Ralph: [reads Lisa's card] "Let's 'bee' friends." It says, "bee" and it has a picture of a bee on it. [laughs]


 * Krusty the Klown: What's your name, son?
 * Ralph: Ralph.
 * Krusty the Klown: And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
 * Ralph: Yes! I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her!
 * Lisa: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Now you listen to me. I don't like you. I never liked you. And the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!