Homer Badman/Quotes


 * Homer: Oh, I like it better when they're making fun of people who aren't me.


 * Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we do believe in you, we really do.
 * Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.


 * Homer: (at the candy convention) Ooh! I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.


 * Bart: Can I come to the candy show, huh, huh? Can I, can I? Huh, huh, huh? Can I? Can I?
 * Lisa: No, me! Take me, me, me, me, me, me! Take me, me!
 * Homer: Sorry, kids, but this is the one event I want my darling wife by my side.
 * Marge: Oh, well thank you, Homer, but take one of the kids.
 * Homer: Marge, they can't carry enough candy! They have puny little muscles, not big ropy ones like you.
 * Marge: Mmm…
 * Bart: You go, Mom, for the greater good.
 * Lisa: For the greater good.


 * Apu: (to Homer) Hey. Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to…ask you nicely again.


 * Homer: I can't say titmouse without giggling like a schoolgirl. (starts giggling like a schoolgirl) Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.


 * Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything. To move under the sea. It's not going to happen!
 * Homer: Not with that attitude.


 * Ashley Grant (the babysitter): You grabbed me in the car!
 * Homer: Oh that, no. I was just grabbing a gummy Venus De Milo that got stuck to your pants.
 * Protester: Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book.


 * Protesters: Two, four, six, eight, Homer's crime was very great! "Great" meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorative sense!

(to protesters)
 * Smithers: You people can't be in here!
 * Homer: It's ok, they're with me.


 * Homer: Ooh, Gummi bears! Gummi calves' heads! Gummi jaw breakers!

(Sees a Gummi figure rotating on a red pillow in a glass case.)
 * Homer: (Lustily) Ohh...What's that?
 * Man: That is the rarest Gummi of them all, the Gummi Venus de Milo, carved by Gummi artisans who work exclusively in the medium of Gummi.
 * Marge: Will you two stop saying "Gummi" so much?


 * Kent Brockman: (on TV) Simpson scandal update - Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tank which he believes gives him sexual powers.
 * Homer: Hey, that's a half-truth!


 * Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Yes, I am interested in long distance savings. Very interested!


 * Bumblebee Man: Ay yi yi! Es Homer Simpson! Me ha molestado!

(In an edited version of his interview with Godfrey Jones, the splices can be told because the clock in the background keeps changing times.)
 * Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on / her / sweet can... / so I grabbed / her / sweet can... / Ohhhh, just thinking about / her / can... / I just wish I had / her / sweet, sweet / s/s/sweet can...
 * Godfrey: So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? (we see a still video shot of Homer looking lustful) Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further! (the frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in) No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson! NOOOO!

(freeze frames on the screaming Godfrey)
 * Announcer: Dramatization may not have happened.


 * Marge: There are only 49 stars on that flag.
 * Grampa: I'll be deep in the cold cold ground before I recognize Missour-ah!


 * Bart: Why would anyone want to touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from!