Homer's Paternity Coot/Quotes

Quotes
Wiggum: Gotcha. No survivors. (gets out a shotgun and cocks it) Quimby: No Shooting. Wiggum: But it's already cocked. Quimby: Okay. Shoot into the fireplace. (Wiggum does so and laughs) Mason: Listeners? Didn't you say you work for a newspaper? Homer: Uh, no I didn't. I says I work for a radio station. WXI 940. Number one with our viewers. Mason: Viewers? Wouldn't that be a TV show? Homer: Uh, well, um, oh what the hey. I think you're my pappy! Mason: Ga-whaaa?! (He takes out the church collection plate which is full of coins. The Jesus figurine on his dashboard looks as if it's about to cry) Lovejoy: Oh, be cool for once. Marge: See, Grandpa, you still have a family. We still visit you. Grandpa: So, Homer couldn't make it? Lisa: No, but he told us to say hi. Hi! (long pause) Lisa: So...what setting is that fan on? (pause) Grandpa: Medium. (pause) Lisa: I would've guessed low. (pause) Grandpa: You would've guessed wrong.
 * Commercial: How often have you driven by a fire and thought 'How can this benefit me?'
 * Homer: To hell with that paternity test and its 99.99997% accuracy!
 * Sideshow Mel: (after his tires are ripped) My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled! (pointing to sign that reads "Do Not Back Up - Severe Tire Damage")
 * Sign: Springfield Tire Fire. Now smelled in 46 states.
 * Quimby: People aren't taking the tollbooth! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain! Get them through that tollbooth by any means necessary!
 * Marge: Let's go there before the next commercial tells me to do something else.
 * Homer: Who could my father be? Moleman? Mr. Burns? (gasps) M. Night Shyamalan? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! audio clip
 * Ralph: (with a tuba on his head) I'm C3-D2!
 * Homer: (Looking around Mason's study, which is decorated with various adventurer's items) So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of..fruitcake?
 * Homer: I'm sure my listeners will be pleased about that.
 * Moe: Sitting in a rocking chair, eating baby crackers ticktock, ticktock, ticktock banana A-B-C-D-E-F-G wash those June bugs off of me.
 * Marge: Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries?
 * Reverend Lovejoy (heading for the toll booth) Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.
 * (Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are at the retirement home visiting Grandpa)