Goo Goo Gai Pan

"Goo Goo Gai Pan" is an episode from the sixteenth season of The Simpsons. It first aired in the United States on March 13, 2005.

Synopsis
Selma gives Mr. Burns his driving test to replace his old license, which expired in 1909. During the test, she experiences a hot flush and is later taken to the hospital. She learns that she is experiencing menopause (which is explained in a video with Robert Wagner). She is saddened that now she can't have children. Lisa suggests that she adopt a child. However, after her first choice, one of Cletus' children, is taken back, Selma decides to adopt a child from China. Although her forms are in order, Selma learns that she has to be married to legally get a child. She puts down the second name she thinks of, after asking the agency if they knew who MacGyver was, and being told yes: Homer Simpson.

While on the plane to China, Selma informs Homer that he must pretend to be her husband. Shocked, he later decides to do it for Marge. When they arrive, Selma claims that Bart and Lisa are their own children and Marge is their nanny. The Chinese adoption agent, Madam Wu (voiced by Lucy Liu), tells them that they will get a baby in a few days. Reasoning that he has no chance of being outed, Homer claims he is an acrobat when asked and is later called to perform a stunt when the main performer in a show suffers a "bullet-related death" from questioning the Communist Party; Homer is told to perform to forestall a riot brought on by the audience's realisation that the CCP is not infallible. Homer himself gets severely hurt performing and is treated in a hospital. There, Selma gets her daughter, whom she names Ling and who is fond of grabbing Homer's eyes. When everyone leaves, Homer and Marge snuggle and are caught by Wu, who takes back Selma's baby.

The Simpsons decide to bring back Ling. At the nursery, they dress and spray paint Homer as a golden Buddha statue. The Chinese guards bring him in, although Homer can hardly keep in the pain they are causing trying to move him by inserting a hook into his nostril. He is able to find Ling and get her out. In Tiananmen Square, they are confronted by Madam Wu in a tank and Selma is able to convince her that she should keep Ling, although she needs to sign a form just to talk to her, from bureaucrat to bureaucrat. Wu says that she herself had to be raised by her mother, as her father choked to death the day before the Heimlich maneuver was invented. The Simpsons, Selma, and Ling then depart China via junk.

Trivia

 * The sack of 10,000 dollars must have been all one dollar bills, as there is no other way that it could have so many bills. Also, the ridiculously huge sack of money appears right next to Wu at first. However, it is gone the next time she is shown. But the way this was shown indicates that this was intentional.
 * Selma's signature is almost as bad as you'd imagine Homer's would be.
 * Although Selma wants to take care of a child in this episode, she had earlier decided not to bother with kids after trouble with Bart and Lisa in Selma's Choice.
 * Robert Wagner is the second celebrity this season to host a Troy McClure-esque video. The first was Gary Busey in the previous episode.

Cultural References

 * When Selma says the car is too hot, Burns says it is actually cooler than Guy Lombardo, a famous Canadian band leader.
 * Mr. Burns says his car once outraced the Flying Finn, Paavo Nurmi, an athlete who won 9 Gold Medals at the 1920, 1924 and 1928 Summer Olympics. Both this and the afore mentioned references are among the many Burns age jokes that have been used throughout the series.
 * The dragons Homer imagines are white, gold, and red, but at the end the white one is green. That first dragon also resembles the one who appears in Spirited Away.

China References

 * The title of this episode is a pun on moo goo gai pan, the name of a popular pseudo-Chinese American recipe, based on the Cantonese dish mah gu gai pin, which is composed of fresh button mushrooms and other vegetables with sliced chicken.
 * China (except for Hong Kong and Macao) uses the Simplified Chinese characters, but many signs in this episode are clearly using Traditional Chinese. However, there are still signs that use Traditional Characters in China.
 * The correct spelling of the place would be "Tian An Men", not "Tien An Men".
 * When Selma stands in front of the tank piloted by Wu, the shot is highly reminiscent of the famous image of the Unknown Rebel blocking the line of tanks during the Tiananmen Square protests.
 * While flying to China, the plane passes over a monument to "Warrior and spicy chicken pioneer" General Zuo Zongtang.
 * The original broadcast portrayed the body of Mao Zedong covered by the flag of the Communist Party of China with the hammer and sickle (as is the case in the actual mausoleum). However, in later broadcasts the flag was substituted for the Flag of the People's Republic of China
 * In the Chinese consulate there is a map behind the consulate official showing Taiwan as a separate country, extremely unlikely given the PRC's position regarding Taiwan.
 * There is a plaque reading, "On this spot in 1989, nothing happened", in Tiananmen Square, a reference to the Chinese Government's denial of the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre.
 * In addition to being a sardonic reference to the massacre, the sign in the square ("On this site in 1989, nothing happened") is a parody of real signs. Available from catalogues, they are mock-historical plaques that say: "On this site in 1897, nothing happened."
 * What's written on the adoption paper is gibberish, not Chinese, though this may be a play on the fact that computers which do not have Chinese text support installed may transcribe gibberish and random symbols in its place (mojibake).

Goofs

 * The aircraft the Simpsons and Selma take to China is not capable of a China to America trip.
 * Homer drives a car in China, but in China, non-residents are not allowed to drive.
 * When Homer falls from the chairs he is falling face-down. When he lands on the chairs, he is on his back.

Quotes

 * Madam Wu: These are the world-famous Shaolin temple monks. They practice spiritual harmony through barefisted murder.


 * Homer: I hope you washed your hands first! (after a monk pulls out Homers heart then puts it back in)


 * Wagner: Let's give menopause a round of "meno-plause". "Meno-plause"? I'm not saying that! [The End]


 * Chinese sign: "Tian an men Square. On this site in 1989, nothing happened."


 * Fake Bart: Feast on my shorts, stupid father man!


 * Fake Bart: Don't have a cattle, dude!


 * Chinese Adoption Agent: The Chinese Government only allows wholesome married couples to adopt. No hen without cock. I apologize if that is a double entendre in your language. It is not in ours. Note that the word for "hen" in Chinese can also mean "whore".


 * Selma: [To Ling while leaving for Springfield] We'll come back one day, when you're a spoiled American teenager.


 * Homer [looking in awe at the monument to General Chao, of chicken fame]: Wow. It makes the Lincoln memorial look like crap.


 * Chinese Dragons [dancing with each other in the sky while singing in a high Chinese style]: American jerks are going home... now we sleep for a thousand years... when we wake the world will end...


 * Madame Wu: Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese sister who will surpass you academically. Lisa: I don't know. I'm considered pretty smart. Madame Wu: Well, Tibet was considered pretty independent. How'd that work out? Lisa: How dare you make light of that brutal... (Marge shuts her up)


 * Bart: What's menopause? Homer: Well son, it's when the stork that brings babies gets shot by some drunken hunters.


 * Wu: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!


 * Homer: Wow, the Fortune cookies really are more accurate here. (Looks at fortune that says "We will take Selma's baby")


 * Burns: You know this baby once outraced the Flying Finn...Paavo Nurmi?


 * Chinese Adoption Agent: Okay. You are Mrs. Homer Simpson. He is your soulmate and lover. Selma: Yes, Homer Simpson is my entire world. (pause) I love him. (cut to the plant, where Homer is having lunch with Lenny and Carl) Homer: (shivers) I just felt a chill go through my very soul. Lenny: Yup, the Sloppy Joes here will do that.


 * Homer: Oh, you're curing me with acupuncture. Doctor: Oh, no. A porcupine got in while you were asleep. (to porcupine) Shoo! Shoo! Come back in year of porcupine, which means never!


 * Master of Ceremony: I regret to inform you that our final stunt will not be performed, our star acrobat had an onset of outspoken-ness and suffered a bullet-related death. Audience Member 1: This is most disillusioning! Audience Member 2: It seems our leaders are not all knowing! Audience Member 3: Now I will question everything! Why doesn't Pearl Jam ever come here? Wu: Homer, only you can prevent this riot and save our beloved communist dictatorship. Homer (shocked): You guys are commies? Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets? Wu: Just shut up and do the act!


 * (when the Simpsons and Selma are on the plane and Homer looks out the window) Chinese Dragon: Hello Homer, give me your peanuts and you can fly on my back. Homer: I'll give you...one! Chinese Dragon: Ooh, you are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this.(flies away) Homer: Hey, dragon! You fly like a girl!


 * Wu: (to Selma) You may keep your baby. (points to Homer) But, you! Put the panda down! Homer: (forcing the baby panda into his bag) Aww, but he loves me! (panda bites Homer's hand) Ow! Why you little-(strangles panda, then a larger panda, presumably the panda's mother, strangles Homer)


 * Homer: And this is Marge, our surprisingly hot nanny... Marge: (giggles) Why thank you, Mr. Simpson. Homer: You're welcome Miss... (looks at Madame Wu) October. But don't look at her passport. It's different!


 * Homer: (speaking to Mao Zedong's body as though it was a cute baby) Awww... he looks just like a little baby that killed 60 million people. Who's a little dictator? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!


 * Selma: May I speak to you, bureaucrat to bureaucrat? Madame Wu: Yes, but first you must sign this form. Initial here. And here. And now we must find a notary. Chinese Soldier: Hehehe. This is Wang Po's time to shine.


 * Lisa (after spray painting Homer): You look just like a Buddha statue. Now, all you need is an expression of utter serenity. (Homer makes a face similar to when he is about to strangle Bart) Marge: Just think about the time you found that junior mint in your belly button. (Homer makes a more appropriate expression. Lisa rings the Adoption Agency's doorbell and they run off. Two Chinese Soldiers exit and look at Homer) Soldier 1: A Buddha statue?! We cannot leave it outside! It is bad feng shui! Soldier 2: Feng shui? I thought that was just an excuse to sell crappy end tables to the West. Soldier 1: Just stick this hook in his nostril and pull. (Homer has a very nervous look as they insert the hook. As they drag him, he begins to scream and when the soldiers look at him, he is normal. He is able to calmly hold his pain as they continue to drag him) Soldier 1: I've never moved a Buddha this heavy! Soldier 2: Let's cut him in chunks and worship the chunks.