Brawl in the Family/Quotes


 * Homer: A grizzly bear with a chainsaw. Now, there's a killing machine!


 * Homer: I'm gonna come back with the greatest gift a husband can give his wife. An annulment from his secret wife!


 * Marge: We don't need TV to have family fun. Why don't we play Monopoly?
 * Lisa: Which version? [pulls board games from the closet] We've got "Star Wars Monopoly,"
 * "Rasta-mon opoly," "Galipolopoly," "Edna Krabappoly."
 * Marge: Let's stick to regular Monopoly. The game is crazy enough as it is; how can an iron be a landlord?


 * [While the family is playing Monopoly]
 * Bart: [holding some money Homer has given him] You're a little light here, Dad.
 * Homer:I'm good for the rest… you know I am!
 * Bart: Well, I'd like to trust you, Homer, but you've been in jail 3 times.
 * Homer:They told me it would be like this on the outside.
 * Lisa: [picks up one of Bart's "hotels"] These hotels are made of Legos. Bart, you're cheating!
 * Marge: Lisa, it was probably an accident.
 * Lisa: Oh, sure, you take his side, just because he bought you that house on St. James Place.
 * Bart: Who else is going to take care of her? Dad?
 * Homer: Why, you little ... [throttles Bart]
 * Marge: Stop fighting! [throttles Homer]
 * Lisa: Mom, that's not how you pry them apart! [grabs Bart's arm and tries to pull him away from Homer]
 * Marge: I've been prying them apart since before you were born!


 * Brenda the Police Robot: I am Brenda. I am programmed to talk in a calm and constructive manner. [yells] DESTROY! DESTROY!


 * Officer Lou: Another case of Monopoly-related violence, Chief.
 * Chief Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?


 * Chief Wiggum: Nice work, Brenda. I'll take it from here.
 * Brenda the Police Robot: No way! This is my collar! [Chief Wiggum switches off Brenda's power switch and she shuts down]
 * Chief Wiggum: Too bad real women don't come with these, huh? [laughs]
 * Homer: [laughs] You got that right.
 * Chief Wiggum: Quiet, you. That counts as your phone call.


 * [When the Simpsons are in jail]
 * Lisa: Thanks a lot, everybody. Now, I'll never get into an Ivy League school.
 * Bart: [taunting] You're going to Stanford, you're going to Stanford ...
 * Homer and Bart [taunting]: You're going to Stanford!
 * Lisa: Take it back! Take it back!
 * Homer: Stanford.


 * Gabriel: Hello, I'm Gabriel.
 * Homer: [gasps] A heavenly choir! You must be an angel.
 * Gabriel: [laughs] No, that's my pager. [turns his pager off] I'm a social worker. I'm here to help you stop fighting and become a family again.
 * Homer: No, you are an angel, like Denzel Washington in "The Preacher's Wife," or Will Smith in "Bagger Vance," or Slimer in "Ghostbusters."
 * Marge: Sir, we know you're not an angel. My husband sees too many movies.
 * Homer: Don't blame me, blame Tinseltown and its second golden age. May it never end.


 * [Bart brings Gabriel to school]
 * Bart [to the kids at school]: Attention, everyone! This is Gabriel, my personal social worker. He has to be here. I'm just that nuts. [the kids are impressed]
 * Milhouse: How come you get a social worker? I'm the one with stigmata. [holds up his bloody hands]


 * Marge: Food keeps my family happy, so I make a few practice dinners before showtime, ‘cause at 6 o'clock, we go live!


 * [When Homer brings Gabriel to Moe’s]
 * Homer: Okay, Gabriel, this is a bar. It's where I go to drink alcohol, which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia.
 * Gabriel: Homer, I am not an angel.
 * Homer: Pfft. Well, not with that temper.


 * [Gabriel takes the Simpsons’ to the rules]
 * Homer: Okay, why are we in the woods? Is this Heaven?
 * Gabriel: No, Homer. I brought you out here to shake off your negative behavior patterns. Marge, you medicate your family with food. Bart, you'll do anything for attention …cut that out!
 * Bart [with a beard of bees]: They chose me.


 * Homer: Okay, family huddle. [everyone huddles together and Homer lowers his voice to a whisper] Now, here's how it's going down. As a family, we drive away. We cover for each other, as a family. It's what Gabriel would have wanted.
 * Lisa: Look, we can't fall into old patterns. We've got to think of a plan.
 * Homer [in a whisper] Okay, but talk like this.
 * Lisa: [in a whisper] Fine, I'll talk like this.
 * Homer: [in his normal voice] What?


 * Marge: You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together, but our bond has never been stronger.
 * Homer: Yep, our family is as functional as all get-out.
 * Lisa: Could this be the end of our series ... of events?


 * Homer: But Marge, it wasn't my fault... liquors drunkened me!


 * Amber [to Lisa]: I could show you how to put on makeup.
 * Lisa: I'm 8 years old.
 * Amber: You could look 7. [to Bart] And I can teach you how to count cards.
 * Bart: I already have a system.


 * Homer: (wakes up) Aah, the sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.


 * Judge Harm: Mr. Simpson, under Nevada law, bigamy, or "Mormon hold-'em," is perfectly legal. [bangs gavel] Both marriages stand.
 * Homer: But I only love Marge!
 * Judge Harm: I hereby order you to take care of both of your wives. Bailiff, ring him. [a bailiff puts a second wedding ring onto Homer's finger]


 * Marge: Homer?
 * Homer: Marge? You're speaking to me!?
 * Marge: Why don't you come inside and we'll talk?
 * Homer: About what? Sports? Bigamy?
 * Marge: Bigamy.
 * Homer: Not a sports fan, huh?


 * Grampa: Oh, I lost another wife.
 * Lisa: I'm sorry, Grampa.
 * Grampa: Well, it hurts now, but the senility will take care of that. There she goes. (to Homer) You know, I have a son about your age.