The Simpsons Guy/Transcript

The transcript of The Simpsons Guy.

Part 1: For Pete's Sake
(The episode starts with five of the Griffins watching TV.)

ANNOUNCER: We now return to the All in the Family and Modern Family crossover episode.

CLAIRE: Hello, Mr. Bunker. We brought some hummus.

JAY: Oh, yeah, I knew them two was hummus the minute they walked in the door.

CHRIS: Yay! A crossover always brings out the best in each show! It certainly doesn't smack of desperation. The priorities are always creative, and not driven by marketing or...

STEWIE: Okay, that's enough.

(Peter arrives home.)

PETER: Oh, my God!

LOIS: What is it, Peter?

PETER: Look at this. Dennis the Menace is just shoveling snow. He's being helpful. We might as well just call it Dennis now. He's not a menace.

LOIS: Not every strip is gonna be hilarious.

PETER: You know something? I could do better than these idiots. I should just go down to the paper and sell them my own.

BRIAN: Well, Peter, you might be underestimating the difficulty of writing a comic strip. As someone who occasionally dates the creative muse, I can vouch for the unforgiving face of a blank sheet of paper. In fact, I think it was William Faulkner who said...

PETER: I'm back. I'm published. Check it out.

(He shows a sloppy drawn comic script about a man on an island with a monkey.)

PETER: I call my comic For Pete's Sake, because it points out things that make you shake your head and say, "For Pete's sake." This one's for tomorrow.

(He shows them another about two fruits having a conversation.)

PETER: These are good, Peter. I like how you retell tired old gags with a detached, ironic approach.

PETER: Yeah, plus, it's all brand-new jokes that I'm really, really serious about.

LOIS: Well, good for you, Peter, but how did you get published so quickly?

PETER: Ah, the editor of the paper owed me a favor. I got him a picture of Spider-Man.

(Earlier at an newspaper office...)

J. JONAH JAMESON: Why can't anyone get me a picture of the Spider-Man?

PETER: Here you go.

(Jameson looks at a picture of Spider-Man stalking a woman.)

PETER: Yeah, I got a whole subreddit of superhero thong shots.

(At the Drunken Clam...)

JEROME: Here's your beer, Peter.

PETER: Thanks, Jerome. What do I owe you?

JEROME: Nah, you already paid me in laughs.

(Jerome points at a comic script of a man on an island.)

PETER: I do a lot of island ones.

JOE: Peter, you should do one where a baseball player can't steal second, 'cause he's on probation, for drug crimes. Political.

PETER: Yeah, you put an island in there, you're in business.

GLENN: Hey, how about one where you draw a sock, and it says "Sock it to me," or maybe draw Lois taking a hot-tub dump, and she just says whatever?

(Back at the Griffin residence, Peter thinks of what to write, then writes something on his animators' table. Lois comes in holding a newspaper.)

LOIS: Peter, your comic in this morning's paper is really offensive.

(She shows him a comic of a man throwing a woman down on a counter yelling at a casher. Peter giggly laughs.)

LOIS: That's not funny, Peter.

PETER: Ah, you're just not getting it, Lois. See, his wife washed dishes for him.

LOIS: Oh, for Pete's sake.

PETER: Aha, there you go.

BRIAN: Peter, you should see this. Your dishwasher cartoon has really outraged the online community.

PETER: What? Gosh, it's not like the Internet to go crazy about something small and stupid.

BRIAN: Peter, you have to apologize.

PETER: What, because of a joke?

BRIAN: Not just a joke, Peter. A joke that angered some bloggers.

PETER: (sighs) Well, I guess this ain't the first time I got in trouble for something I said about a woman.

(A flashback show him and Chris entering a store and pass by a female security guard.)

PETER: Oh, good, we can steal.

(Later, Peter's at the Quahog 5 News studio on Joyce's show, The Flow.)

JOYCE: And welcome back to The Flow. We're talking to Peter Griffin, the artist behind For Pete's Sake, which has caused outrage with a misogynistic comic. Here's a video of some outrage.

(Footage of people are shown starting riots and chants. The audience jeer.)

PETER: Yeah, those boos don't hurt so much 'cause you spent two minutes of the last segment applauding a red velvet cake.

(The audience stop jeering and applause.)

JOYCE: And if that's not bad enough, this morning's cartoon is even worse. Let's put that up.

(It shows the same comic, but with different lines and the audience return booing.)

JOYCE: Mr. Griffin, do you really think this is an appropriate cartoon to run on Gloria Steinem's half-birthday?

PETER: You sound angry. Did one of your friends get engaged?

JOYCE: You have no idea how offensive you are to women, do you?

PETER: What? I love women. I bet I can name more porn stars than you. But, but don't tell my wife how many porn stars I know. I'll get in a lot of trouble. I know all of them, though. There are people who just started an hour ago, and I know them.

(Back at the Griffin house, a mob of women surround the house.)

WOMAN #1: Your cartoon is sexist!

WOMAN #2: Down with misogyny!

WOMAN #3: It wasn't even funny, and I have a great sense of humor.

PETER: Man, they seem really upset. I was just trying to make people laugh.

CHRIS: Dad, I'm worried they're gonna hurt us.

PETER: No, no, they're angry, Chris, but they ain't gonna get violent. (A thrown brick shatters through the window.) Oh, cool, that brick I ordered. (Another one comes.) Wait a minute, I didn't order this brick. You may be right, Chris.

LOIS: Peter, this is getting out of hand. I don't feel safe in my own home. Maybe we should get out of Quahog for a while.

BRIAN: You know, she's right. We should get out of town till this all blows over.

PETER: Okay, we'll go, but just give me a minute, I just wanna turn in my last "For Pete's Sake".

(A comic shows Peter with a smoking pipe in his mouth holding a jacket and going out of his house.)

PETER: I'm like Michael Jordan, going out on top amid a flurry of gambling rumors.

Part 2: Welcome to Springfield
(Now, the Griffins are far from Quahog and are in the road in their station wagon. The family wakes up.) LOIS: Peter, where are we?

PETER: I don't know, I just woke up, too. I tied the steering wheel to my belt. I figure we've been on the road about 20% of the time.

CHRIS: Dad, how long until we can go back home?

PETER: Um, I don't know. How long do women hold grudges? Not very long, I'm guessing.

LOIS: Peter, we've been driving all night. Pull over to that gas station. We can use the bathroom and stretch our legs.

PETER: You got it, babe.

LOIS: Did you call me "babe"?

PETER: I did.

LOIS: Oh, Peter. (She kisses him.)

MEG: Ew. Mom?

PETER: You'll never have this, Meg.

(Later, the Griffins are at the gas station. They exit.)

PETER: All right, back in the car, kids. For this length of the trip, I was thinking of driving with my shirt off like New Mexico trash.

(Their car then drives off without them, leaving the family in shock.)

LOIS: Oh, my God! Our car!

MEG: Someone's stealing it.

PETER: Ah, crap. Although, I gotta say, you never get to see somebody else driving your car. It's kind of cool. Kind of weird.

LOIS: We're stuck here, Peter! And we don't even know where we are!

BRIAN: Well, there's a sign.

(The Griffins approach the sign, then our view turns around and the sign says, "Welcome to Springfield". Panning back, the Griffins see the view of the town.)

BRIAN: Huh, guess we're in a town called Springfield.

STEWIE: Springfield, eh? What state?

BRIAN: I can't imagine. We're allowed to say.

(Now, the Griffins walk around the town. They turns their and see the statue of Jebediah Springfield. Meg and Chris see the Aztec theater. The others see the Krusty Burger sign. Brian and Stewie see the Springfield town hall.)

LOIS: Oh, this Springfield place seems nice. We should visit here again.

BRIAN: I don't know, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.

PETER: Guys, we ain't here for fun, all right? We're here to find the police, report our stolen car... Oh, and don't drink the water. Everybody around here looks like they have hepatitis.

CHRIS: Dad, I'm starving. Can we get some food?

PETER: Lois, whip out your boob, give the boy his lunch.

CHRIS: Listen to the man.

BRIAN: Yeah, Lois, listen to the man.

LOIS: How 'bout we just go into that store there?

(We turning view of the Kwik-E-Mart. The Griffins enter.)

PETER: Uh, uh, excuse me?

APU: Hello. Welcome to the Kwik-E-Mart.

(An arcade game in front of him called "Applause Applause Revolution" makes applauding sounds.)

APU: Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me unplug that. Oh, such a nuisance! (He unplugs it.)

PETER: Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland. What's the specialty of the house?

APU: For you, I'd recommend the donut.

(A display case of donuts are shown.)

CHRIS: Ooh.

MEG: Yum!

STEWIE: Have you guys seriously never heard of donuts?

APU: These are made fresh every day. And then, several days later, we receive them and make them available for purchase.

PETER: Hey, are these... Are these free? 'Cause I forgot to mention, all our money is in our stolen car.

APU: Thank you. Come again.

LOIS: Sir, we can pay you back for the donuts when we find our car.

APU: You think that I am moved by your sob story? I come from a country where the words for "sewage" and "beverage" are the same.

HOMER: I'll pay for their donuts.

(A man comes out of the shadow.)

LOIS: Thank you so much, sir.

MAN: For what? I didn't say anything.

LOIS: Oh.

HOMER: It was me.

(Homer comes out of a different part of a shadow of a store.)

STEWIE: How come this convenience store has so many shadowy parts?

HOMER: Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors.

PETER: Wow, for real?

HOMER: No man should be so poor he cannot pay for a donut. I was once you. I couldn't afford donuts. Tell them what I did, Apu.

APU: He stole the donuts.

HOMER: I stole the donuts. So, here you go. Twelve. Ten, eight donuts.

LOIS: That's very nice of you, Mister...

HOMER: Simpson. Homer Simpson.

PETER: We're the Griffins. Peter, Lois, Stewie, and then, uh, you know, the others. Brian, I guess.

HOMER: Well, enjoy your six donuts.

(Peter takes a bite out of a donut.)

PETER: Mmm, yummy. Donut.

HOMER: That's pretty good, but try it like this. (He takes a bite out of his own.) Mmm, donut.

(Peter takes another bite out of his.)

PETER: Mmm. Donut.

HOMER: I think you and I are gonna get along just okay.