The Principal and the Pauper/Quotes


 * Edna Krabappel: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers! Can I offer you a cup of coffee-flavored Bevering?
 * Superintendent Chalmers: Yeah, I take it gray with Cremium. But first, before Skinner shows up, I have a secret announcement. In honor of Seymour's twentieth year as principal, we've decided to hold a surprise tribute Friday night.
 * Willie: It's my twentieth year, too.
 * Chalmers: (rolling his eyes) The teachers' lounge is for teachers, Willie.




 * Lisa: Ralph and I could do the report together.
 * Miss Hoover: Your funeral.




 * Lisa: ...so, in 1966, a brave young man named Seymour Skinner enlisted and shipped out to Vietnam where he rose to become platoon sergeant. Ralph?
 * Ralph: Principal Skinner is an old man who lives at the school. Lisa?
 * Lisa: Sergeant Skinner was a hero. He risked capture many times behind enemy lines.
 * Ralph: Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty.
 * Lisa: And he survived to make it back to Springfield, where he became the fine educator we salute tonight.
 * Ralph: When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar. I love you, Principal Skinner.




 * Homer's brain (after Skinner says he's a fraud): Keep looking shocked... and move slowly towards the cake.




 * Edna: Is this the line for people who want to badmouth Sergeant Skinner?
 * Marge: And have 10 items or less.
 * Edna: (tossing out items) 12, 11, 10, the man's a weenie!




 * Agnes Skinner: I have no son!
 * Homer: Look, lady, obviously you have at least one son.
 * Agnes: No! I have one stranger and one fraud!


 * Skinner/Armin: My real name is... Armin Tamzarian!
 * (Bart laughs)




 * Skinner/Armin: The judge offered me a choice — jail, the army, or apologize to the judge and old lady. Of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.




 * Chalmers: Armin Tamzarian's reign of terror is over! Now let us welcome our new principal Skinner... principal Seymour Skinner!
 * (audience is confused)
 * (points to Sgt. Skinner) Uh, him.




 * Homer: Okay, once more. Where are we going?
 * Edna: To Capital City.
 * Homer: And why are you and the old lady in the car?
 * Agnes: We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.
 * Homer: And why is Marge here?
 * Marge: I came up with the idea.
 * Homer: And why am I here?
 * Marge: Because the streets of Capital City are no place for three unescorted ladies.
 * Homer: Why are the kids here?
 * Marge: Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.
 * Homer: And why is Grandpa here?
 * Abe: Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself!
 * (Jasper looks at Abe)
 * Homer: Fair enough.




 * Skinner/Armin: From now on, you'll see a new Seymour Skinner!
 * Agnes: Oh, no; we won't!
 * Skinner/Armin: Yes, Mother.




 * Lisa: A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
 * Bart: Not if you called 'em Stenchblossoms.
 * Homer: Or Crapweeds.
 * Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen Crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
 * Homer: Not if they were called Scumdrops.