Kearney Zzyzwicz

"First person to blink is a dead man."

- Kearney Zzyzwicz

Kearney Zzyzwicz (pronounced "jeez-wich") is one of the school bullies of Springfield Elementary, with Nelson Muntz, Dolph Starbeam, Jimbo Jones, and the Weasels. He later became one of Bart Simpson's friends. He is the toughest (and the ugliest) of the bullies, and is also the 2nd strongest out of the bullies along with Jimbo. He is of Polish descent. He is a 5th grader.

Biography
Kearney has a father named Mr. Zzyzwicz, a mother named Mrs. Zzyzwicz. Kearney is older than Jimbo and Dolph and Kearney has a six-year-old son. He attended school with Otto Mann.

Kearney's last name (Zzyzwicz) was revealed in a computer file in season 18's "24 Minutes". Prior to that episode, Kearney's surname was never mentioned. Kearney's surname implies that his family could be of Polish origin.

Kearney drives an old style Hyundai. This is evidenced when Principal Skinner attempts to pry off Kearney's hood ornament to replace the 'H' logo stolen from Superintendent Chalmers' Honda. Kearney catches him in the act, forcing Skinner and Chalmers to flee.

Kearney is seen smoking in the room where Bart, Nelson, Jimbo, and Dolph are trapped during Superintendent Chalmers's visit.

Son
Kearney's son looks exactly like him, though younger and has a voice resembling Ralph Wiggum's. He is about 5 years old. He was able to overcome his parent's divorce by sleeping in a drawer at night. He is also considered smarter than Kearney, since when he was sitting on Gil's lap when he was dressed up as Santa Claus, he believed he is the real Santa Claus and his son knew immediately he was a fake. Kearney's son seems to be a young child but Kearney says "speaking as a teenager and parent of a teenager" although he probably has some other child that he was talking about. There is another possible son in the episode Eeny Teeny Maya, Moe. Also he mentions a son named Jason in his unlock message in The Simpsons: Tapped Out.

Wife
Kearney was once married, although his ex-wife has never been named. The only details given were that he had to divorce with her, because Kearney didn't want his parents to find out. Kearney has said that he misses having sex with her, though it also mentioned in one episode that Kearney dated Jimbo's mother.

Father
Kearney's father was shown on the season eight episode "The Homer They Fall", where he was shown as  one of the bullies' look-alike fathers attacking Homer in Moe's Tavern after tried to have their sons stop bullying Bart. He hits Homer over the head with a pool stick, which stuns him but does not knock him out, leading to the discovery that lets Homer become a boxer. Moe then orders the bullies' fathers out at gunpoint for not having two drinks minimum. In " O Brother, Where Bart Thou? ", Kearney reveals that both of his parents are incarcerated, and they can only meet when the prison and insane asylum have their annual mixer. Mr. Zzyzwicz also has a brief appearance in Bart Simpson's Treehouse of Horror,  segment, "The Immigration of the Body Snatchers".

Mother
Kearney's mother is not seen but is said to suffer from clinical depression, and, according to Kearney, the medication she's taking for it is making her bloated. She is either in a mental hospital or in prison. Also, according to Kearney, his mother is too fat to work at Hooters.

Non Canon Appearance
It was revealed that Kearney, Jimbo, and Dolph were bullied by nerds. Bart then taught them that nerds are "all talk and no action" and they learned to "stand up" for themselves. Bart was later caught in the crossfire when his own creation backfired, and the other students at Springfield Elementary School (this is seen in a comic, but comic strips are not considered canonical).

Future
In Future-Drama, Kearney becomes the Vice-Principal of Springfield Elementary (the principal is still Seymour Skinner), however none of his bullying traits are seen. He will also be Lisa's bodyguard when she becomes the USA president, in Bart to the Future,  saying his contract gives him three people to kill in each term.

In Holidays of Future Passed, he's a cab driver who was taking Maggie Simpson to her family when she went into labor. He decides to take Maggie to the hosptial.

The Simpsons Game
Kearney appears as one of the three museum thieves that Bart and Homer must defeat. He also appears as one of the contestants in the Duff Ultimate Eating Challenge

The Simpsons 25 Years Board Game
Kearny appears as a charcter card you can collect.

Behind the Laughter
Kearney was created from "Kearney Street" in Portland, Oregon, where Matt Groening grew up.

Trivia

 * He also owns his own tuxedo, although he isn't seen wearing it.
 * In See Homer Run, we learn Kearney is disturbed by certain works of art, i.e. The Scream.
 * Check it out, we stole the Scream.- Dolph Starbeam; Put it away, it creeps me out. - Kearney (See Homer Run)
 * He is the youngest character that has a son and wife although he's still a child so it's possible his sons are his little brothers and his wife is his girlfriend and all this is a lie.
 * Kearney knows how to drive, despite taking the bus in some episodes.
 * He is a Chicago Cubs fan which he says is why he became a bully.
 * Kearney might possibly be older than 16 as in the episode The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer, Otto says he and Kearney were in the 3rd Grade together, but Otto could have been let back many years