Diatribe of a Mad Housewife/Quotes

Episode Quotes
Homer: You were gonna start a novel without informing me?! Marge: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call! Homer: I also fed some ducklings. Marge: I know, I got your message.

Homer: Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby! Marge: Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel. Homer: Oh, I was so close!

Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need some dinner STAT! And the kids need some CPR lessons. Lisa: We're not paramedics! Homer: I'll say.

Tom Clancy: Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, Marge Simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time"? Hell no I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count! Hello. Hello?

Marge(to herself):I'm finished, and it's so suggestive. Well like they say "snuggling sells."

Marge: Homie, I finished my novel… Homer: Wooh, typed. Marge: It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think. Homer: No problem. Aww 286 pages! Marge: It's double spaced. Homer: Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!

Homer: How can you write such horrible things about me? Marge: You told me you liked it! You didn't read it at all! You lied to me! Homer: I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth.

Flanders: Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you? Marge: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.

Marge: Well? Homer: Well what? Marge: Did you read it? Homer: [eye bounces left to right twice] um... yes. Marge: Did you like it? Homer: [eye bounces left to right twice] um... yes. Marge: Do you think I should publish it? Homer: You know what I say, publish or parish!

Marge: Did you like it? Lisa: (puts down last page) Don't you think you're a little hard on Dad? Marge: What do you mean? Lisa: (reading page) 'He went to the shop with the sign: Salted Blowholes. "Mmm... Blowholes," he moaned.' Doesn't that sound a little like Dad? Marge: Yes, I guess it does resemble your father.

[The windsock at Boris's Car Lot is ripped from its platform; it flies away.] Homer: Awww. That was my only friend here. [Homer gets up on the platform and "performs" in the windsock's place.]

[Homer's driving the ambulance with Comic Book Guy - who's clutching his heart - in the back.] Homer: So, where to, my friend? Comic Book Guy: I already told you: the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a cab! Homer: The hospital, huh? Seems like everyone's going there tonight.

[Homer's driving the ambulance with an unconcious man in the back.] Homer: [to the unconcious man] So, you got any kids? [beat] Quiet kind, huh?

Lisa: Bart, this is horrible! What if Dad reads it ("The Harpooned Heart")? Bart: It's too long; he won't read it. Lisa: Well, what if they make it into a movie? Bart: It's too sappy; he won't see it. Lisa: Well, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv? Bart: [gasps] We're doomed!