Treehouse of Horror IV/Quotes


 * Lisa: Grampa's a vampire?
 * Bart: We're all vampires.
 * Lisa: But no. We killed Mr. Burns.
 * Homer: You have to kill the head vampire.
 * Lisa: You're the head vampire?
 * Marge: No, I'm the head vampire. (Lets out an evil laugh)
 * Lisa: Mom?
 * Marge: Well I do have a life outside this house, you know.


 * Lionel Hutz: First, some ground rules: Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half-hour.
 * Devil Flanders: Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!
 * Lionel Hutz: Agreed. No, wait--
 * Devil Flanders: Silence! I give you the Jury of the Damned! Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon--
 * Nixon: But I'm not dead yet! In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
 * Devil Flanders: Hey, listen; I did a favor for you!
 * Nixon: Yes, master.
 * Devil Flanders: John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, the starting line-up of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!
 * Simpsons: Ahh!


 * Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?


 * Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: "Bart is a vampire, beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that...building...thingy...where our beds and TV...is.


 * Lisa: Ew! Dad, this is blood!
 * Homer: Correction--free blood.


 * Kent Brockman: Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. (It is labeled "Dracula.") Police are baffled.
 * Chief Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield museum destroyed.


 * Bart: We come now to the final and most terrifying painting of the evening. To even gaze upon it is to go mad.
 * Homer: (Looking at the painting) Aah! They're dogs...and they're playing poker! Aah!
 * Bart: We had a story to go with this painting, but it was far too intense. So we just threw something together with vampires. Enjoy!


 * Principal Skinner: Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.


 * Lionel Hutz: That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable." Which is unbreakable!


 * Homer: Mmm...forbidden donut.


 * Homer: (reading note) "Dear Homer, I. O. U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead!


 * Mr. Burns: Who's that goat-legged fellow, Smithers? I like the cut of his jib.
 * Smithers: Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your 11 o'clock.

(Homer puts stake in Mr.Burns)
 * Homer: Take that!

(Homer hits stake with hammer multiple times)
 * Lisa: Uh Dad, that's his crotch.
 * Homer: Oh, Sorry.

(Homer puts stake where the heart and hits it)
 * Mr. Burns: AAAAAAGH!

(Mr. Burns disentergrates)
 * Homer: Whoo-hoo!

(Mr. Burns Comes Back Alive)
 * Mr. Burns: You're Fired!

(Mr. Burns Dies Again)
 * Homer: D'oh!


 * Devil Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for--

(Homer has already scarfed the donut)
 * Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
 * Devil Flanders: Well, technically no, but--
 * Homer: I'm smarter than the Devil. I'm smarter than the Dev--

(Flanders turns into a huge demon)
 * Devil Flanders: You are not smarter than me. I'll see you in Hell yet, Homer Simpson.

(Devil Flanders curses Homer by turning his head into a donut.)
 * Marge: Homer, don't pick at it!
 * Homer: But, Marge, I'm so sweet and tasty! Well, I guess I'll go to work.
 * Lisa: Uh, Dad, I wouldn't go out there if I were you.
 * Chief Wiggum: (Outside house, sipping coffee) Don't worry, boys. He's got to come out of there sometime.


 * Homer: Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut.

(Flanders appears as the devil.)
 * Devil Flanders: Did I hear someone wanted to sell their soul?
 * Homer: Flanders?! You're the devil?!
 * Devil Flanders: It's always the one you least expect isn't it?


 * Marge: Lisa, it's not nice to call people vampires. Did everyone wash their necks like Mr. Burns asked?
 * Bart & Lisa: Yes.
 * Homer: (Holding out a pitch black towel) Sure did!


 * Bart: Otto! There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!

(Otto looks out his side window and sees Hans Moleman driving.)
 * Otto: Don't worry, Bart dude. I'll get rid of him.

(Otto slams into the car.)
 * Hans Moleman: Oh, I just made my last payment.

(Moleman's car almost crashes into a tree, but then explodes.)


 * Bart: I just had a vision of my own horrible fiery death.
 * Lisa: And…?


 * Grampa: Quick! We have to kill the boy!
 * Marge: How did you know he's a vampire?
 * Grampa: He's a vampire? Ahhh!

(Homer squeezes bull horn in Bart's ear)
 * Bart: Ahhhhhh!
 * Homer: Hey Marge, I found all this stuff at the dock. It was just sitting in some guy's boat.


 * Homer: Bart! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis… Hey, wait a minute! You are a vampire!


 * Marge: Homer, today Bart's a vampire. Tomorrow he could be smoking!


 * Homer: It was so nice of Mr. Burns to invite us to his country home in...Pennsylvania!

(Homer is being sucked into Hell)
 * Marge: Homer, did you eat that donut?!
 * Homer: No.


 * Blackbeard: (looking at Homer and Marge's wedding picture) Arrgh! This be some sort of treasure map!
 * Benedict Arnold: Give me that, you idiot! You can't read!


 * Vampire Burns: (On the intercom) Come in, come in. Ah, more victims for the vicious undead.
 * Smithers: Uh, you're supposed to let go of the button.
 * Vampire Burns: Well son of a bi--(lets go of the button)


 * Marge: I think there is something a little off about him.
 * Homer: Yeah, his hairdo is so queer.
 * Vampire Burns: I heard that!
 * Homer: It was the boy!


 * Vampire Grampa: This cape is giving me a rash.


 * Groundskeeper Willie: My mule wouldn't walk in the mud. So I had to put seventeen bullets in him.


 * Lionel Hutz: I was watching Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on but I got the gist of it.


 * Blackbeard: This chair be high, says I.


 * Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.


 * Principal Skinner: Pull, Willie, pull!
 * Groundskeeper Willie: I'm doin' all the pulling, you blouse-wearing poodle-walker!


 * Homer: Ahh! Super Fun Happy Slide!
 * Lisa: No Dad!
 * Homer: Ohh…I guess killing will be fun enough.