The Simpsons: Hit & Run/Quotes

The Main Menu Screen

 * Abraham Simpson: Do you know where my family lives?


 * Hans Moleman: I'm a very lonely man.


 * Professor Frink: (indistinct gibberish)


 * Barney Gumble: Hi there! BURP!


 * Doctor Nick Rivera: Hi everybody!


 * Snake Jailbird: This town is so dumb.

Mission Intro
(Homer picks up coin; A TV commercial comes on)

Krusty: Hey, hey! I'm endorsing a new cola, kids, and this one isn't poisonous to anybody!

Announcer: That we know of.

Krusty: New-and-Improved Buzz Cola is made from only the finest sugars and waters. Plus, it has a special ingredient too hot for the F-B-A. It'll give you the "get up and go! You need to do all the pathetic stuff you had to do" So try New-and-improved Buzz Cola.

Homer: (tempted) Mmm, Cola. Must get Buzz Cola. (walks out of view drooling)

Bart's Tutorial Tips
Starting the Game

Bart Simpson: Alright...player one, uh Homer, I mean Homer. Use the directional buttons or the left analogue stick to move around, this is called "walking". Press the X button to jump, press and hold the circle button to run. Everytime you're in the air, hit the jump button again to get a little extra push. Got it?

Coins
Homer Simpson: Oh, brain like shiny things.

Bart Simpson: Yeah great, these shiny things are called "coins". Whenever you get enough of those, you can get a cool surprise.

Gags
Bart Simpson: These gags are scattered in each level, little surprises are hidden inside each one, be sure to come back again to see if there is something you've missed.

Collector Cards
Bart Simpson: There are some collector cards hidden all over Springfield, find the other ones and sweep the reward as yours for the taking and you can take a closer look at the card, as you can see them from the pause menu. And don't get your stinky fingers on them fatty!

Wasp Cameras
Bart Simpson: Nobody knows why these things have turned up all over Springfield, they always seemed to turn up whenever something exciting happens. I don't know what they are but violence is always the appropriate response of the unknown enemy.

Breaking Random Objects
Bart Simpson: That's the stuff psycho! ...And so it begins...

Getting into your Vehicle
Bart Simpson: Press the triangle button to get into the car and don't take all day, this is the tutorial.

Controlling Vehicles
Bart Simpson OK big boy, here's how you drive this sandbox. Press the X button to accellerate, use the left analogue stick or directional buttons to steer, the circle button is your brake and reverse, and the square button is your handbrake. You know, like every driving game ever.

Entering Buildings
Bart Simpson: To go inside through a building, just press the triangle button...oh, why did I agree with these stupid tutorials? It is so boring!

Mission Completed
Bart Simpson: Congratulations Homer! Mission Complete! Now go back home and talk to Mum to start the next mission.

Wrenches
Bart Simpson: Way to go Homer, you da man!! Collecting wrenches fixes your car.

Bonus Missions
Bart Simpson: OK, around town you might probably run into a few people which I like to call "losers". Even they need your ride, maybe they need help. Whatever the point is to help them out and they will be available to help driving your lazy butt around.

Races
Bart Simpson: Here's how this works: Milhouse, Nelson and Ralph have set up some races around town. Win all the races to get a new vehicle. Well, what are you waiting for?

Wager Races
Bart Simpson: If you really need to have a drive, you can always enter one of these time trial races. They can cost a little but they're in the mood for your payoff.

Trailer Park Time Trial
Homer Simpson: Milhouse you little weiner, what are you doing here?

Milhouse Van Houten: Patty and Selma won't let me ride a bike without safety wheels unless I run the driving tests.

(Homer prepares for a time trial while Milhouse starts off)

Milhouse Van Houten: 3, 2, 1!

(Homer wins the time trial)

Patty Bouvier: This is so depressing...I'm going to feed your driver's licence to Jub-Jub.

Evergreen Terrace's Wealthy Area Circuit Race
Homer Simpson: I know you, you're that kid who sells me goods like CDs on the street corner.

Nelson Muntz: Yeah well, I've been having some later problems lately so I start running these races for the DMV. It was this ordeal to the elderly.

(Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, 2, psyche! 1...go...

(Homer wins the circuit race)

Patty Bouvier: This is terrible. I'm gonna drown my sorrows at the Golden Banana.

Evergreen Terrace Checkpoint Race
Homer Simpson: Hello little son of a police chief little one.

Ralph Wiggum: These man-ladies make me a race judge!

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 1, 1, 1, go!

(Homer wins the checkpoint race)

Patty Bouvier: Ugh, this is worse when Jub-Jub ate my cat.

The Cola Capers
Marge Simpson: Homie, somebody ate every dessert in the house. I need you to go to the store and get some of that ice cream with the miniature pies in them.

Homer Simpson: Uh, must have been one of our kids, probably Milhouse.

(Homer arrives to the Kwik-E-Mart and speaks to Apu)

Homer Simpson: Hey, Apu, give me a cola and I need another bucket of ice cream with mini pies in them.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: What happened to the ice cream with mini pies your wife bought this morning?

Homer Simpson: I don't know, I probably ate it, I don't remember things too good.

S-M-R-T
Marge Simpson: Homie, Lisa left for school without her science project. Can you get it to her?

Homer Simpson: Oh, do I have to?

Marge Simpson: You can drop it off on your way to work.

Homer Simpson: And I have to go to work?!

(Homer finally gives the science project to Lisa before class)

Lisa Simpson: Thanks for bringing me my model of the digestion system... hey, where's the gall bladder.

Homer Simpson: I got hungry, and it was a fig.

Lisa Simpson: It was modelling clay!

Homer Simpson: Ooooh...

Lisa Simpson: Oh, and by the way dad, mum called, she says she needs to talk to you at home before you go to work.

Homer Simpson: D'oh!

Petty Theft Homer
Marge Simpson: Homer, go talk to Ned Flanders, he seems mifted, and PO'ed.

Homer Simpson: Why me, I'm the world's greatest neighbour. I have a mug to that effect.

(Homer sees Ned Flanders outside his house and talks to him)

Ned Flanders: I'm all in a ditter Homer, so many of my possesions have dissapeared. I called the police to find the culprit.

Homer Simpson: Culprit, eh.

Ned Flanders: My lawn mower, my cooler, my lawn chair, a family portrait, even Rod's inhaler, what kind of sick individual would take all of this stuff.

Homer's Mind: Oh no, I burrowed all of Flanders' stuff. Quick, think of an excuse to get out of here.

Homer Simpson: Uh, excuse me, I have to go...shuck some corn...

(Homer finds Ned's tuxedo, lawnmower and needs to see Barney near the petrol station and Krusty Burger restaurant)

Homer Simpson: OK, what's next. Flanders' cooler, I gave it to Barney.

Homer Simpson: (speaks to Barney) Uh, you remember that cooler I gave you for your birthday? Well, Flanders wants it back.

Barney Gumble: Now what would I use for a toilet?

(Homer collects Flanders' cooler, lawn chair and then goes to find the portrait of the Flanders family)

Homer Simpson: Almost done! Now I need Flanders' stupid picture of his stupid family.

(Homer has now collected the family portrait and now finds the last possession - Rod Flanders' inhaler)

Homer Simpson: OK, last one. Now where did I use Rod's stupid inhaler? Duuuh, on top of the Duff Truck!

(Homer finally receives Rod's inhaler and plans to return to the Flanders' house)

Homer Simpson: Now to return the stuff before the cops find me sitting alone talking to myself.

(Homer gives Ned back the missing possessions and asks for a reimbursement)

Homer Simpson: Flanders look, I found your missing stuff. Now about the reward.

Ned Flanders: Thanks neighbour-oony. Here's your reward, a prayer from the lord's number one man. Dear father in heaven, bless this noble oaf.

Homer Simpson: Stupid Flanders getting happiness from religion.

Office Spaced
Marge Simpson: Homie, you're late for work, and today your workplace evaluation's with Mr. Smithers.

Homer Simpson: Ah! He'll find my scorpion farm, then where will my scorpions live!? Only one person can help me, Lenny!

Lenny Leonard: Hey Homer, how about a breakfast churro?

Homer Simpson: No time, tell me where to find Mr. Smithers.

Lenny Leonard: Yeah, I think I saw him at the Kwik-E-Mart. Oh well, more breakfast churros for Lenny!

Homer Simpson: I'm gonna need a car with more junk in the trunk if I want to take him out. I wonder if Barney still has the Plow King.

(Homer sees Barney for the use of his Plow King)

Homer Simpson: Barney, can I borrow the Plow King?

Barney Gumble: Take what you want sexy leprechaun, just don't shoot me with that dart gun,..oooohh...!

Homer Simpson: Whatever.

(Homer drives over to the Kwik-E-Mart as he sees Mr. Smithers and destroys his limousine)

Waylon Smithers: Argh! My convertible! I just waxed my undercoat.

Homer Simpson: THAT's what you get for expecting me to do the job for which I am paid.

Blind Big Brother
(Homer goes to his workstation and looks at the camera)

Homer Simpson: Oh, how can I sleep with that camera? Oh, sexy girls could be watching me from the internet! Stupid cameras. You should be smashed! I'll destroy you at your powersource! Hahahahaha!!

(Homer goes around the power plant as he destroys every power coupling and then goes back to take a nap)

Homer Simpson: Finally I can get some sleep. (whistle blows)

Charles Montgomery Burns: (on a intercom) Mindless drones, return to your ugly families.

Homer Simpson: D'OH!

Movie 1: Secret Cameras and Mysterious Black Vans
(Homer is drinking his Buzz Cola as he watches the news)

Kent Brockman: ...the famous cartoon creator incarcenated in a verubian jail. In other news, local citizens are outraged over the discovery of surveillance cameras throughout the town. We go now to City Hall where Mayor Quimby is feeling questioned from an angry mob.

Mayor of Springfield: These miniature cameras are an outrage. Spying on our women's dressing rooms, bathrooms, and locker rooms is unforgivable. I think I speak for all Springfielders when I say, where is the sexy footage?!

Kent Brockman: In other unexplained news, strange black vans have been appearing all over town.

Homer Simpson: (discreetly looks at the black surveillance van) Marge, that black van is spying on us.

Marge Simpson: Oh, Homer, you're so sexy when you're paranoid.

Flowers By Irene
(after Homer followed the surveillance van that leads to Mr. Burns' mansion.

Homer Simpson: Oh, so Mr. Burns is behind all this. Evil spying is so like him that wrinkled old monkey skeleton.

Bonestorm Storm
Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns is spying on everybody, we've got to follow him!

Marge Simpson: Not now Homer, a new violent video game has hit the streets, and we need to get rid of it before it warps any children with its bloops and bleeps!

Homer Simpson: But that game sounds awesome.

Marge Simpson: ...and therefore should be destroyed.

Homer Simpson: (agreeing slightly) I guess.

(after Homer and Marge collected the Bonestorms and headed straight back home)

Marge Simpson: If only kids would play more video games about sharing.

Homer Simpson: Marge you know I have more crazy plans, now if you'll excuse me, I have to go spy on my boss.

Marge Simpson: Hrmph...

The Fat and Furious
Carl Carlson: Hey Homer, you look like you're having one of your trademark adventures.

Homer Simpson: (acting crazy) Danger... Mr. Burns... mini cameras... black vans!

Carl Carlson: Whoa, good thing I'm drunk!

Homer Simpson: Stupid drunk, oh no, he's going to warn Burns. I can't believe I'm racing the same guy twice in one day.

(Homer finally beat Waylon Smithers in a race and meets Charles Montgomery Burns)

Homer Simpson: C. Montgomery Burns, I know you're guilty! J'accused! Sir.

Charles Montgomery Burns: Fine I admit it, I had Amelia Earhart's plane shot down. That hussy was getting too big for her jodhpurs.

Homer Simpson: No, you're spying on Springfield with your black vans and surveillance cameras.

Charles Montgomery Burns: Black vans? Aren't they connected with some pizza owner concern?

Homer Simpson: What!? They were only pizza vans? Oh, I'm a class five idiot.

Charles Montgomery Burns: Smithers, release the hounds, and if this oaf is an employee of the plant, fire him at once.

BONUS MISSION: This Old Shanty
Homer Simpson: Hey I know you. You're in my dumb guys' support group. Mind if I burrow your truck for a while?

Cletus Spuckler: No can do Mr. Fancy Blue Pants. I be gotten to do my fancy chores, or else Brandine's ain't making frat pie tonight.

Homer Simpson: Right, I'll help you with your hillbilly chores.

Cletus Spuckler: You help me bring out this season's harvest and I'll be taking you anywheres you be needing to go.

Homer Simpson: Woohoo!

Cletus Spuckler: First thoughs, I want you to go to the gas station and get someone else's carboards tubes, you know them? I'll be needing them for indoor plumbing, when you finished with that find all those tomacco plants so young-uns can clean 'em up from our pit, heh.

(Homer completes all of Cletus' errands and talks to him as he goes into his debt)

Cletus Spuckler: OK city boy, I'll help you. You just yell in to those magic talk boxes and I'll come on running. Ah, dem things is crazy.

Downtown Checkpoint Race
Ralph Wiggum: Hey Mr. Lisa! If you win the man-ladies will give you a car.

Bart Simpson: Bring it.

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 5, 5, 5, 4!

(Bart wins the checkpoint race in Downtown Springfield)

Patty Bouvier: That was terrible.

Commercial District Time Trial
Bart Simpson: Milhouse! What are you doing here? I thought you were gonna get a wedgie with Nelson.

Milhouse Van Houten: I rescheduled. The DMV has started doing these stupid races, this state should get some child labour laws.

(Milhouse starts a race)

Milhouse Van Houten: 3, 2, 1!

(Bart wins the time trial in Downtown Springfield)

Patty Bouvier: Good work Bart. Next time you stay at our place, you can have a steamed vegetable of your choice.

Town Square Circuit Race
Bart Simpson: (nervous) Nelson, uh, why are you hanging around here?

Nelson Muntz: Stupid community service, all I did was sell at the Kwik-E-Mart. Anyway, you get your licence and win a prize from those stupid jerks.

(Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, PSYCHE! 2, PSYCHE! 1, GO!

(Bart wins the checkpoint race in Downtown Springfield)

Patty Bouvier: Atta boy, Bart! You're getting a birthday present this year.

Detention Deficit Disorder
Bart Simpson: I need to get the new Bonestorm or I'll be as uncool as Milhouse.

Milhouse Van Houten: I'm standing right here Bart.

Bart Simpson: Hey hey, that's great.

Milhouse Van Houten: You better get out of here Bart, Principal Skinner is looking for everyone who skipped school today. And when you're caught, it's expulsion Bart, expulsion!!

(Bart gets into his vehicle and heads for the Try-N-Save, however Seymour Skinner is in pursuit against him)

Seymour Skinner: I'll get you Bart, like I got Charlie in 'Nam.

Bart Simpson: 'Fraid not.

Seymour Skinner: 'Fraid so.

Bart Simpson: 'Fraid not!

Seymour Skinner: 'Fraid so!! And damn your lightning fast wits!

(Bart finally loses Skinner as he finds Jimbo near the store)

Jimbo Jones: Too late losers, I got the last game! Four Finger Discount. Hur hur hur hur! Some crazy old lady destroyed all the rest.

Bart Simpson: Oh when will people learn? Video games don't kill people, they just kill their own minds.

Weapons of Mass Delinquency
Bart Simpson: How am I going to get that new game?

Kearney Zzyzwicz.: Who cares? Video games are so late 90s. Illegal fireworks are all the rage now. Better make it snappy though if you want to be a part of this trend.

(Bart drives to Moe's Tavern where Otto is hanging out outside the shop)

Bart Simpson: One box of your finest quality Chinese frog loggers please.

Otto Mann: Here you go, toquilas and Chinese sky candies, they'll blow you away!

(Bart grabs the fireworks and heads into the pub)

Moe Szyslak: Sorry Bart, I can't sell booze to a minor, it ain't right.

Bart Simpson: I'm here about fireworks.

Moe Szyslak: Oh hell yeah!

(Bart grabs the fireworks from Moe and then heads over to City Hall to talk to Snake)

Bart Simpson: One dozen of your best tiowana fire crackers!

Snake Jailbird: Here you go kid dude, don't blow your hand off, or do, what do I care!

(Bart grabs more fireworks and then he goes down to the Police Station to talk to Ralph)

Bart Simpson: Ralph, word in the head is that you have access to your dad's fireworks stash.

Ralph Wiggum: Fireworks make my ears yell!

Bart Simpson: Here's some gum drops, now make with the works!

Ralph Wiggum: My daddy's gonna put you in jail, bye!

(Bart collects the last fireworks and Chief Wiggum sees him as he tries to catch him)

Clancy Wiggum: Fireworks, eh? You're looking for five life sentences, a community service.

Bart Simpson: This is bad, this is bad, this is bad!!

(Bart lost Chief Wiggum and the mission is successful)

Bart Simpson: And I thought the law just won!

Vox Nerduli
Bart Simpson: Hey, chocolate and fat, you know where I can get a copy of Bonestorm 2?

Comic Book Guy: Yes, I have no time to converse with you, I must be first to register my disgust on the internet regarding the new McBane film. The action was dismal and the nudity was frustratingly fleeting. We need to get going.

Bart Simpson: Quick! To the fat-mobile, hahaha!!

Comic Book Guy: Yes, I suppose, but must we call it that?

(Comic Book Guy and Bart finally arrives at the Java Server before the nerd)

Comic Book Guy: I am happy to report that your quest for Bonestorm 2 is quite futile. Professor Frink posted a message on my news group, alt.furryanimals.fanfiction.net, that he has bought up all of the remaining games.

Bart Simpson: Ohhh.

Comic Book Guy: I thank you not to moan in my mid-sized vehicle.

Bart N Frink
Bart Simpson: I gotta play Bonestorm 2, gimme one!!

Professor Frink: No can do my little pointy headed friend, I need the power of video game violence to run my latest invention-slash-monster. If you find me a World War II communication radio and a satellite, then my creation will live, and we can play with it and enjoy the frollicking.

Bart Simpson: Ohh, cool, real violence is way better than TV violence! It's like a level boss come to life. Now who would have a World War II radio? That guy that sells all those grenades to Nelson might! I better check.

(Bart follows one of the black pizza vans to Herman's armoury and sees Chief Wiggum)

Bart Simpson: Hey, Springfield's lamest, what's the deal?

Clancy Wiggum: Didn't you hear? Herman's been robbed, do you know who did it, 'cause if you did, boy that would be great.

Bart Simpson: Oh no, now where am I gonna get a radio?

Clancy Wiggum: These fresh skid marks leading away from the scene of a crime could be a clue but whose to say, really?

(Bart goes to the intersection and finds Snake nearby)

Bart Simpson: Hey Snake, what's up.

Snake Jailbird: Um, do I know you little dude?

Bart Simpson: I need that radio you "borrowed".

Snake Jailbird: No way little dude this radio is gonna help me score bodacious chicks!

Bart Simpson: Uh, last time I checked, chicks liked fast cars not old electronics. Why don't we race for the radio!

Snake Jailbird: Oh I totally agree to your proposal!

Better Than Beef
Bart Simpson: Hey there Mister Slack-Jawed Yokel!

Cletus Spuckler: That be I.

Bart Simpson: Can I borrow your satellite dish?

Cletus Spuckler: Sure, if you help me scoop up my flatmeat, sophisticated city youngster. Those darn revenuers don't like me selling roadkill.

(Bart and Cletus arrive back to Krusty Burger but Apu chases them down as they tend to lose him)

Cletus Spuckler: Now all we got to do is deliver this delicious good do-defyer, I sure do like thems stink-dogs because, heh, I do.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Please stop what you are doing! No one can sell flattered meat in this town but me!

(Bart and Cletus finally lost Apu and got back to Krusty Burger)

Bart Simpson: Krusty Burgers are made out of roadkill? That explains the tyre tracks.

Cletus Spuckler: Take this satellite dish as a reward. She gets 14 channels including the outhouse channel, man I love watching that!

Bart Simpson: Thanks, inbred hillbilly.

Cletus Spuckler: Twas nothin'.

Monkey See, Monkey D'oh
Professor Frink: You expect me to complete a Mark 10 Truckosaurus without a blender. Why don't I just make a Plasma Blade without a tennis racquet, for claving sake. Now fetch me a blender with the purey and the frapey and liquidfey.

Bart Simpson: Now where am I gonna get a blender... oh, Doctor Nick, he loves blending drinks during surgery!

(Bart heads down to the Screaming Monkey Medical Research Center and talks to Doctor Nick)

Bart Simpson: Hi Doctor Nick.

Doctor Nick Rivera: Hi everybody.

Bart Simpson: You seem like a heavy drinker, do you have a blender?

Doctor Nick Rivera: Not now OK, my monkeys have escaped, can you catch them for me, I'll be so grateful.

Bart Simpson: Why won't they come back to you.

Doctor Nick Rivera: Because, I have tortured them horribly, silly!

Bart Simpson: There's no way I'll be able to fit all of those monkeys into my car. I better get a big truck or something.

(Bart drives over to Homer in the hospital's car park)

Bart Simpson: I need your truck Homer.

Homer Simpson: Why should I give you that?

Bart Simpson: Because I love you.

Homer Simpson: Hahaha, pay up, sucker!

Bart Simpson: You're charging your own son?

Homer Simpson: Yeah, guess I am.

(Bart collects all the monkeys and brings them back to Doctor Nick before they could escape from Springfield)

Doctor Nick Rivera: Welcome home, daddy's little angels. Now to put electrodes into your brains!

Cell-Outs
Bart Simpson: Here's your last doo-dad, so can I see the Truckosaurus thing.

Professor Frink: Yes... is a word I would love to be able to say. Unfortunatly, there are too many people using cellphones and the interference would then cause the monster to malfunction and kill many people. And my insurance is already sky high with the premiums and shmemiums.

(Bart goes around the city as he destroys every car with cellphone users and then goes back to the stadium)

Professor Frink: Well done my little sociopath!

Bart Simpson: I like to smash.

Professor Frink: Now there is no chance my robot will not go on a killing rampage with the screaming and the sadness and the blood on the robot.

Movie 2: Truckosaurus Taming
Bart Simpson: Wow, Truckosaurus is some kind of truck/dinosaur! I would've never guessed.

(Suddenly the Truckosaurus looks at Bart)

Bart Simpson: Uh oh.

(The Truckosaurus roars as it swats its tail at Bart as he drives through the exit then the Truckosaurus spews fire at him but survives the blaze)

Bart Simpson: Yes! Everybody do the Bart Man!

(Suddenly a huge shadow appears surrounding Bart as the green bright light surrounds him as it abducts him)

BONUS MISSION: Dial B for Blood
Bart Simpson: I need your car from the war.

Abraham Simpson: The war?! What, is the Kaiser at it again? I'll teach him, he stole my best girl and my best box of saltwater caffeine.

Bart Simpson: Grampa, you're not making any sense.

Abraham Simpson: I'm tired because I let Jasper borrow my blood, I didn't think I need it. Oh.

(Bart collects blood from the Plasma Center and goes to Moe's Tavern)

Bart Simpson: Finding blood is easy - I'd make a great vampire...I hope that is enough.

(Bart enters the tavern and talks to Moe)

Bart Simpson: Moe, do you have any human blood?

Moe Szyslak: Nah, what about goat blood?

Bart Simpson: Sure why not.

(Bart collects the bag of blood from Moe and then heads to Krusty Burger near the Construction Site)

Bart Simpson: I'll meet a hard man next time.

(Bart speaks to the Squeaky Voiced Teen)

Bart Simpson: Do you have any blood?

Squeaky Voiced Teen: Would you like fries with that?

(Bart goes back to where Abraham is and gives the blood back to him)

Abraham Simpson: Ah nice and warm, just how I like it.

Bart Simpson: Is that enough? I need another car.

Abraham Simpson: Take it! Oh, I'm going to pour this on my flapjacks.

Squidport Time Trial
Lisa Simpson: Milhouse, are you working here?

Milhouse Van Houten: It's not so bad, I get a green cookie on Patrick's Day. When it comes out of my paycheck.

(Milhouse starts the race)

Milhouse Van Houten: 3, 2, GO!

(Lisa wins the time trial)

Patty Bouvier: Atta girl, Lisa. You have been noted on your permanent record.

Hillside Area Circuit Race
Lisa Simpson: Oh hi Nelson, why this is a surprise.

Nelson Muntz: Oh the pleasure is all mine, I'll be your starting man for this mission.

(Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, 2, the loser says what?

Lisa Simpson: What?

Nelson Muntz: HA HA! 1, GO!

(Lisa wins the circuit race)

Patty Bouvier: I'm speechless Lisa, that was better than you have any right to do.

Squidport Checkpoint Race
Lisa Simpson: Why are you working here?

Ralph Wiggum: Daddy says I should stay here until I learned how to control myself at the hardware store. Brum brum!

Lisa Simpson: Right...I'll just start racing.

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 1, 1, 1, go!

(Lisa wins the checkpoint race)

Card Collection Completion
Comic Book Guy: A complete set! Oh, I think I just formatted my pants!

Nerd Race Queen
Lisa Simpson: I need to find my stupid brother, have you seen him?

Comic Book Guy: Yes, yes, can't talk now, I must get the last copy of the new Itchy and Scratchy Adventures comic. It's the controversial issue in which they finally kiss! Assist me and I will aid you with your dilemma.

(Lisa and Comic Book Guy beat the nerd to the Itchy & Scratchy Comic Store and gets the Itchy & Scratchy Adventures comic book as they get it back to the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop before deterioration)

Lisa Simpson: Now can you tell me if you've seen my pointy-headed nuisance?!

Comic Book Guy: Silence. I must get this comic into my lard bag before it deteriorates to near-mint condition heading for failure.

(Lisa and Comic Book Guy head back to the Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop)

Comic Book Guy: Now to get this inky treasure into its milarch sanctuary.

Lisa Simpson: What about my brother, you said you saw him.

Comic Book Guy: I think I saw him at the Noiseland Arcade. Ah video games, what a waste of money. Now to go online and bid $1000 for an Itchy and Scratchy corn-cob holders. Terrific, terrific expense.

Clueless
Lisa Simpson: Milhouse! Has Bart been here?

Milhouse Van Houten: Uh, I haven't seen him. Hey, can I buy you a frozen yogurt? I'll throw in two dry toppings or one wet topping.

Lisa Simpson: Bart's dissapeared, you have to help me find him.

Milhouse Van Houten: Well, he might be at the Wall E. Weasel's. He likes the smell of the ball cage.

(Lisa heads for the Wall E. Weasel's and Milhouse appears to be there)

Lisa Simpson: Milhouse? What are you doing here?

Milhouse Van Houten: Lisa, what a coincidence! Hey, is that a new dress?

Lisa Simpson: No, I've been wearing this dress for years! Now, where's Bart?

Milhouse Van Houten: (Sigh) I think he's at the Planet Hype.

(Lisa drives over to the Planet Hype and sees Milhouse who mysteriously appears)

Milhouse Van Houten: Oh hi Lisa, fancy meeting you here.

Lisa Simpson: Stop following me!

Milhouse Van Houten: I think Bart's out at the Springfield Sign. Perhaps you'd like to share some chewing gum.

(Lisa drives over to the Springfield Sign and sees Milhouse for the last time)

Milhouse Van Houten: Hi Lisa, my your hair looks pointy today.

Lisa Simpson: Milhouse, have you seen Bart or not?!

Milhouse Van Houten: So Lisa, do you have a date for the harvest dance.

Lisa Simpson: This is not a good time!

Milhouse Van Houten: It's never a good time!! (cries)

Lisa Simpson: Bart always hangs out at the Kwik-E-Mart, maybe Apu has seen him.

Bonfire of the Manatees
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, this is terrible. A very bad man is delivering road kill to all the Krusty Burgers which are cheaper than my Kwik-E-Dogs!

(Apu and Lisa collect all the roadkill to save Apu's business then Lisa needs gen on finding answers on searching for Bart)

Lisa Simpson: Hee hee, that was pretty cool. But...Bart's still missing and I'm still no closer to finding him.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Perhaps you should talk to Professor Frink. He seems to know everything...except why I ever came to this jerkwater burg.

Lisa Simpson: Proffessor Frink, Proffessor Frink!! My brother, Bart, is missing. Have you seen him?

Professor Frink: Well, let's see now, Bart helped me build a monster and then he dissapeared into a bright light.

Lisa Simpson: Wow! This is crazy. I need someone to talk to who is wise and learned.

Operation Hellfish
Lisa Simpson: Grandpa, can you help me find Bart, he's missing.

Abraham Simpson: Maybe I'm just a senile old man, but Bart's lucky red hat fell out of that black car.

Lisa Simpson: Wow, Grandpa, what a great clue. You showed why senior citizens are valuable members of the community.

Abraham Simpson: I think my baby teeth are growing back, that's why I had to punch that nurse.

Lisa Simpson: I better get something big if I want to take that car out, like that School Bus.

(Lisa sees Otto at the Kamp Krusty)

Lisa Simpson: Otto, I know I'm a little young to be asking this...

Otto Mann: Look, I don't have any special brownies left, I ate them all.

Lisa Simpson: But do you think I can use your school bus.

Otto Mann: Oh, right, cool. Meet my price and she's all yours, little lady!

(Lisa destroys all of the government agent cars to find any clues but all of them were empty)

Lisa Simpson: (gasp) It's empty!

Slithery Sleuthering
Lisa Simpson: Excuse me, Chief Wiggum, can you help? I've gotta find my brother.

Clancy Wiggum: Uh, sorry little girl, I'm busy collecting evidence on Jailbird. We're busting him on three strikes law.

Lisa Simpson: How many strikes do you have so far?

Clancy Wiggum: Uhh, no strikes, but that's only because I'm a very, very bad cop. Now, first of all, if you're gonna go undercover, you are gonna need a disguise.

Lisa Simpson: You mean like an eye patch?

Clancy Wiggum: Hey, good one, if we could afford a disguise like that, I wouldn't be payed in potato chip coupons.

Lisa Simpson: So, what disguise do you have?

Clancy Wiggum: Well, here's one of Ralph's old Holloween costumes.

Lisa Simpson: Fine, wait here so I can get changed.

(Chief Wiggum collects one of Snake Jailbird's evidence)

Clancy Wiggum: Strike one: counterfeit designer jeans, the foulest of crimes.

(Chief Wiggum collects another of Snake Jailbird's evidence)

Clancy Wiggum: Strike two: running over an elderly person without a licence.

(Chief Wiggum collects all the evidence and goes back to Mr. Burns' Casino)

Clancy Wiggum: And strike three, littering. Alright, we got all the evidence we need on this low-life. Now, about your brother. I've seen lots of mysterious government types over at the docks. Maybe they sent him on a cruise. They got some good deals these days.

Lisa Simpson: Thanks Chief Wiggum, you are a good cop.

Clancy Wiggum: Aw, you're just saying that!

Lisa Simpson: Yes I am!

Fishy Deals
Lisa Simpson: Chief Wiggum said that there were strange stuff going on around here. Have you noticed anything weird? You know, black sedans, guys with dark glasses.

Captain Horatio McCallister: Yargh, maybe I seen something, and maybe I haven't. Render me a favour and it might jar me memory.

Lisa Simpson: What favour?

Captain Horatio McCallister : I've got a shipment here of live macrone. Can ye navigate the fishies to the finest restaraunts in the fish port.

Lisa Simpson: Those poor fish, I mean, sure I'll help.

(Lisa collects half most of the fish)

Lisa Simpson: SPEED UUUUP!!

The Old Pirate and the Sea
Captain Horatio McCallister: Argh, thanks for delivering me catch of the day. Now, I can tell ye, I saw your brother.

Lisa Simpson: Really?! That's great.

Captain Horatio McCallister: Aye, he was in a long, black limo and... ahoy, there she drove!

(Lisa destroys the black limousine without Bart inside it and goes back to McCallister)

Lisa Simpson: Oh god, I destroyed the limo and killed Bart!

Captain Horatio McCallister: Haha, no murder ye be, he got out of the limo and boarded a ship.

Lisa Simpson: Oh thank you, can you take me there?

Captain Horatio McCallister: No, I hate the sea.

(Lisa goes aboard the C-Spanker and finally found Bart)

Lisa Simpson: Bart, I found you.

Bart Simpson: (indistinct dialect)

Lisa Simpson: Bart, Bart, snap out of it!

Bart Simpson (more indistinct dialect)

Lisa Simpson: What's your favourite catch phrase?!

Bart Simpson: Kiss my grits! (more indistinct dialect)

Lisa Simpson: It's no use, his brain is even more broken than usual. I'll have to take you home and get you a diaper.

BONUS MISSION: Princi-pal
Lisa Simpson: Principal Skinner! Bart's missing!

Seymour Skinner: Bart's gone?! What a tragedy! Uh, to get this mind off your terrible loss which we all feel, why won't you fill errands as I call the "grief helpers farming".

Lisa Simpson: But Bart's only missing!

Seymour Skinner: Well, looking for that little monster I mean treasure, I can't help anything. You might as well pick up Mother's dry cleaning for me.

(Lisa and Seymour collects Agnes' laundry and heads for the Krusty Burger near Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop to get Principal Skinner's dinner)

Seymour Skinner: Well, Mother loves clean house traces and all lady underwear.

Lisa Simpson: Uh, I should really get back to my search.

Seymour Skinner: Maybe these gold stars help change your mind?

Lisa Simpson: (sigh) Alright...

(Lisa talks to the Squeaky Voiced Teen)

Lisa Simpson: I need Principal Skinner's dinner.

Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here, would you like a Krusty Ribwich?

Lisa Simpson: Ugh! I'm a vegetarian!

Squeaky Voiced Teen: Oh, there's no meat in it. Just paste and MSG.

Lisa Simpson: Principal Skinner, I can't help you anymore. I need to search for Bart.

Seymour Skinner: Lisa; I apologise for the bottom of my Vietnam veteran part, I promise this next stop will be the last.

(Lisa heads for Mr. Burns' Casino to see Doctor Nick)

Lisa Simpson: Uh, Doctor Nick, I'm here to pick up Principal Skinner's "personal items".

Doctor Nick Rivera: Hi little girl. Here is something, here is Principal Skinner's anti-fungi cream.

Lisa Simpson: Eww...

(Lisa and Seymour returns to the Noiseland Arcade)

Seymour Skinner: There. I got Mother's laundry, then her bread and meat, and uh, personal items. Now if you just help me find a place to carry Mother's favourite cand aspects--

Lisa Simpson: (annoyed) This is ridiculous! I can't keep doing errands for you, I got to find Bart.

Seymour Skinner: For helping me with my ridiculous errands, I suppose I owe you something: if you need help for recovering your brother's body, uh, living body just give me a call.

Encounter with Groundskeeper Willie
Marge Simpson: Willie, what are you doing here?

Groundskeeper Willie: Eh, I got the silver beloved tractor before it is thrown in the clink for football hooliganism and I own money for this bill.

Marge Simpson: Well, I could certainly use a tractor around the house for hauling away Homer's empties.

Mansion and Nuclear Power Plant Time Trial
Marge Simpson: Hello Milhouse. What are you doing here.

Milhouse Van Houten: Patty and Selma traps me in debt slavery so I can get a job from them now.

Marge Simpson: Well I'm sure it's building character.

Milhouse Van Houten: You'll have to win these races and you'll get yourself a new car or something. I don't know...I'm so tired.

Marge Simpson: Sounds like fun! Hang in there!

(Milhouse starts the race, apparently he is not feeling well)

Milhouse Van Houten: Ohh...the car fumes are making me dizzy!

Patty Bouvier: Just do it!

Milhouse Van Houten: 3...2...(coughs and hacks)...1...ugh...

(Marge wins the time trial)

Patty Bouvier: (sarcastic) I wish I could be happy for your success...but I can't!

Evergreen Terrace's Wealthy Area Circuit Race II
Nelson Muntz: Hey cute-cake! If you win a race, I'll give you a car!

Marge Simpson: The name is Marge, thank you!

(Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, 2, I'd just go already.

(Marge wins the circuit race)

Patty Bouvier: Well, I guess your life has been a total waste.

Evergreen Terrace Checkpoint Race II
Marge Simpson: Little Ralph-y Wiggum! How are you?

Ralph Wiggum: Candy makes me happy and tired.

Marge Simpson: So what are you doing here?

Ralph Wiggum: Two ugly monsters called Patty and Selma say you have to race.

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 6, 12, 1, go!

(Marge wins the checkpoint race)

Patty Bouvier: Good work Marjorie, you're finally turning your life around.

For A Few Donuts More
Bart Simpson: (some indistinct dialogue)

Marge Simpson: Oh, oh Bart, what's causing your ooga-booga talk? My special little guys noodle has turned to google. The whole town's gone nuts. Security cameras, mysterious vans, crop circles. There's got to be a connection. Maybe the police know something.

(Marge goes outside and follows Chief Wiggum to Lard Lad Donuts)

Marge Simpson: Chief Wiggum, I need you to find out what happened to Bart. Can you show me where the crop circle is? There's got to be a clue to curing Bart.

Clancy Wiggum: Oh, that's cute. I'd love to help, but I have sugar withdraw real bad, the doughnut shop is closed and I've got a monkey on my back screaming for crawlers. Oh, he's screaming.

(Marge hits the doughnut van and collects 10 doughnuts, after that she returns to Chief Wiggum for his snack)

Clancy Wiggum: Boy for a busy body house wife, you sure get results. That crop cirlce's at Cletus' shack. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a truck load of doughnuts to eat. I'm gonna need a lot of coffee, hehe.

Redneck Roundup
Marge Simpson: Excuse me...

Cletus Spuckler: I don't care if you is from New York, you ain't taking pictures of out decrappetude for no magazine, no way.

Marge Simpson: No, Cletus, it's me, Marge... Marge!!

Ketchup Logic
Marge Simpson: You've got to help me. I have to find out what happened to my baby boy.

Cletus Spuckler: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you was a city slicker, but I ain't telling you nothing, unless you help us with the harvest.

Marge Simpson: Harvest? If I'm gonna be doing yard work, I better change or my next "mission" will be to get mud stains out of green yarn.

(Marge and Cletus collects all the ketchup that was needed for the winter and goes back to the petrol station)

Cletus Spuckler: Now about your query, my grandaddy saw one of your corn drawings once but he's wth ala now. You should ask around with other folks about it. Maybe try around the graveyard or something.

Marge Simpson: Thanks Cletus!

Cletus Spuckler: Twas nothing.

Return of the Nearly-Dead
Marge Simpson: Um, excuse me Hans Moleman, can you help me?

Hans Moleman: Shh, I'm hiding from the police. If the police find me out past curfue they'll throw me in jail. I won't survive another night in jail.

Marge Simpson: Well, I was wondering if you've ever seen a crop circle?

Hans Moleman: Talk to Abe, he mentioned crop circles once. Hurry up and get to the home before the police lock the doors.

Wolves Stole My Pills
Marge Simpson: Grandpa, do you know anything about crop circles?

Abraham Simpson: What, huh, I can't tell you about crop circles now, those lowsy renegades stole my pills. Without my Agralieve, I'll start bitting nurses. You don't need a lawsuit you gosh darn... crop... circles... Agralieve...

Marge Simpson: Oh dear!

(Marge heads over to the Springfield Elementary School and finds Nelson)

Marge Simpson: How can you hooligans steal an old man's medication? You give them back right now!

Nelson Muntz: Oh, we traded them to some dudes in a black car for some PlayDudes. Check it out, man, this one has an interview with the guy who invented the Wa-Wa-Panel.

Marge Simpson: Hmmm.

(Marge chases a government agent car with pills as she collects ten of them and heads back to Abraham)

Marge Simpson: Marge: Here's your crazy medicine Grandpa.

Abraham Simpson: Hot diggity, sweet medication, gimme, gimme, gimme!! (snores)

Marge Simpson: Oh great, now I need something to wake him up.

Movie 3: Pills Craze (and the whole truth about crop circles)
Marge Simpson: Maybe these will jog your memory. (wakes Abraham up)

Abraham Simpson: Ah what.

Marge Simpson: For the last freaking time, tell me about the crop circles!

Abraham Simpson: There I was surrounded by Tojo and his Nazi henchman when one of them, a racoon as I recall, hits me with a banjo. Now, I never reasoned with a racoon before, let alone a Nazi one, so I...

Marge Simpson: Grandpa, what does this have to do with crop circles!?

Abraham Simpson: Not a thing, now where was I? Ah back to where I am......

Marge Simpson: CROP CIRCLES!

Abraham Simpson: OK, OK, it was so long ago I have to tell it in sepia tone. As I recall it was kind of a cosmic thing. A planet with an atenna at the top of it.

Marge Simpson: A planet with an antenna? That sounds awfully familiar. I think it was at the Kwik-E-Mart... that's it, it was a bottle of pop. Maybe that will jog Bart's memory.

The Cola Wars
Marge Simpson: Bart, do you recognise this design?

Bart Simpson: (Some indistinct dialect) That's the alien mind control cola, they gave us tons of that up in the alien spaceship. They're using it to make the town go crazy.

Marge Simpson: Oh thank god, you've snapped out of your trance. I was so worried.

Bart Simpson: Later, I'm going to the arcade.

Marge Simpson: This conspiracy goes all the way to the top. I'm gonna need a little extra fire power, as Officer Marge!

(Marge collects all the coke cans and goes to the Kwik-E-Mart)

Marge Simpson: I bet Apu knows who is selling cola.

From Outer Space
Marge Simpson: Apu, I think you should be aware that you're selling a tainted cola. Where's this stuff coming from?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, there is little here not tainted in some way. Even the astroligies grow give poor advice. But I will get to the bottom of this.

Marge Simpson: Well, it made Bart go crazy and if I find the distributer, I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Careful Mrs. Simpson this cola makes people do errational things without guilt. It is as though they have bottled the effects of a raging frat kegger.

Marge Simpson: That's it, I'm going after them and any other evil cola trucks I find.

(Marge destroys the first evil coke truck)

Marge Simpson: I'll get you, you evil cola and vile distributors!

(Marge heads back home but it turns out that Chief Wiggum wants his coke back and he will stop her so Marge will have to lose him)

Marge Simpson: That is settled, now to go home for my family.

Clancy Wiggum: You took my precious cola Marge! It is the only thing that gives me the courage to take off my shirt in the station locker room, heh, you're going down!

BONUS MISSION: Beached Love
Marge Simpson: Mr. Guy? What are you doing here?

Comic Book Guy: Well I've been trying to convince Agnes to come in for the schoolchildren but she refuses to go out with me, the son of her's gets every intercepted gift I sent her and hides them in his workplace. He is a jerk and a fool.

Marge Simpson: Why not just go get them back?

Comic Book Guy: I would, but...I'm not a terribly mobile person. There I said it.

Marge Simpson: Oh...I know...It's not easy being husky. Tell you what, I'll take care of this for you if you help me take care of some things.

Comic Book Guy: But wounds of Zenfor is impact, it embodies me, it brings the sacred vowels of the knights who say--

Marge Simpson: OK, OK, I get it. Sheesh.

(Marge heads over to the Springfield Elementary School to collect the intercepted gifts and then heads back to the Comic Book Guy)

Marge Simpson: Well that's them, my laundry.

Comic Book Guy: Thank you very much. Now I can see my beloved Agnes Skinner again. here's my number: give me a call if you want to hear my theories of why Krusty has jumped the shark. Good day.

Commercial District Circuit Race
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Hello little hoodlum, what is causing you to be standing here now?

Nelson Muntz: I'm supervising the bonus race, doo-rag.

(Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, 2, floor it loser!!

(Apu wins the circuit race)

Patty Bouvier: You did better than the American drivers!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I am American!

Patty Bouvier: Sure you are. That's great.

Poor District Time Trial
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Hello little customer, are you here to help me in some fashion?

Milhouse Van Houten: Your nachos have hair in them!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: The hair is your protein.

Milhouse Van Houten: OK, well you have to race now.

(Milhouse starts the race)

Milhouse Van Houten: 3, 2, 1, drive!

(Apu wins the time trial)

Patty Bouvier: You did great Apu, you have qualified for your licence. Big deal, you still work in a convenience store.

Town Square Checkpoint Race
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: How would you like to share some nacho cheese?

Ralph Wiggum: I was in the newspaper.

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 6, 12, 1, go!

(Apu wins the checkpoint race)

Patty Bouvier: You did pretty good out there, is there a Miss Nahasapatta-whatever?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Thank for God there is!

Incriminating Caffeine
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh, I have been selling tainted cola. Unless I redeem myself, I will be reincarnated as a sea cucumber, or worse, a land cucumber! I must find the source of this evil beverage. The soda in-voice commanded I come here but I see no cola factory. Ooh, a cola truck. Time for me to do the hindu that I do!

(Apu follows the coke lorry all the way to the poor district that stops by the Gentlemen's Club)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Legitimate Businessman's Social Club, time for Apu Nahasapeemapetilon to take on...the Mob.

...And Baby Makes Eight
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Hello stereo-typical Italian. Pleased to tell me the source of the evil cola.

Louie (mafia): We don't know nothing... except that the vans are controlled by mysterious strangers. Anyway, you shouldn't snip your nose into other people's business. It could come back to haunt you... and you're family.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh my gosh, your family threat has reminded me of my fatherly duties. I am supposed to pick up the otoplets at the hospital.

Eight Is Too Much
Julius Hibbert: I'm afraid we have a medical emergency.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh no, my babies!

Julius Hibbert: Your babies are about to go to the bathroom all over my waiting room and diapers aren't covered by your insurance. Ooh, you better hurry, I heard the parents of the Shelbyville 9 are grabbing every diaper in town.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I will get the diapers but there is no way I will be able to fit them in my car. Maybe Mr. Homer will have a large gas-guzzling American vehicle that I can use.

(Apu goes over to the hospital car park for Homer's car)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Mr. Homer, sir, do you have a over-sized vehicle that I might be borrowing?

Homer Simpson: Borrowing, no, selling to you at an insanely high price, yes.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Fine whatever.

(Apu collects the nappies from the Shelbyville van and goes back to Hibbert)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Quickly, cover my incotenent babies' tooshies!

Julius Hibbert: Whoa, that was close, another minute and my office would look like the Gansees River.

This Little Piggy
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Hello famous American clown, I wish to ask a favour.

Krusty the Clown: Everyone wants to wet their beacks, uhhh.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I require information about trucks delivering evil cola. How can I get this classified data?

Krusty the Clown: Sorry, Apu, I'm a drink, squeezy, punchy low-life. You need a proffesional scumbag. Follow a cop until you find one. You'll have better luck if ya, you know, look American.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Thank you, horrible man.

Never Trust A Snake
Snake Jailbird: Hand over your wallet, dude, this is totally a mugging.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: What good luck, a criminal.

Snake Jailbird: Huh?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Well surely a violent, filth bag such as yourself could find out who is driving the black cola vans.

Snake Jailbird: Well, I do have a connection with the DMV but it will cost you. You have to pick up the litter for my community service.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: It is a deal.

Snake Jailbird: Deal, now hand over your wallet.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Yes, yes, whatever.

(Apu has collected all the rubbish from the commercial district and goes back to Snake at the DMV)

Snake Jailbird: My friend has the information in the DMV. Pick it up pronto.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh thank you, thank you my violent associate.

(Apu goes inside the DMV and collects the folder, it turns out to be empty)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Empty! I am the victim of object containing most vile!

Kwik Cash
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Sir, this folder is empty! To rob me is one thing but I never expected you to lie!

Snake Jailbird: Dude relax, ok. I got the info you need. I just need help on some more community service. Haha, I am totally evil.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I should no better to trust a demented chuckle but ok.

(Snake and Apu drives to the Springfield Googolplex Theatres and destroys the armoured van, then they return to Snake's hideout)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Now what is this possible mystery for this community?

Snake Jailbird: Shut up and take me to the hideout, I mean charity...place.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (threatening Snake) If you do not tell me who operates these vans then I will be forced to use profanity.

Snake Jailbird: Ok, ok, chill, dude. The cola trucks are leading to the museum.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: The museum? Each level of this adventure gets more exciting than the last!

Curious Curator
Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Oh Mr. Bart, I have discovered that the evil cola is being made in the Springfield museum.

Bart Simpson: But that closes in five minutes!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: And my car is out of gas!

Bart Simpson: Just fill it up at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: With those prices, no way!

Bart Simpson: Fine, we'll take my car.

Movie 4: One Night at the Museum
Bart Simpson: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually excited to go to the museum!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Sheba Eech Vishnu, the cola is dripping from that meteor!

Bart Simpson: Cool, free deadly cola.

(the cola that is dripping from the meteor goes into the Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton's nose, causing the dinosaur to come to life as it's eyes glow bright red. Bart and Apu back away when suddenly, Bart trips over the cord powering the meteor and it destroys the meteor)

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: We did it! We destroyed a priceless, archeological artefact.

Bart Simpson: What we? I did all the driving!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Let's find out who's behind all this strange cola business.

(Apu and Bart go inside a large vent and they are at the end it where the barrier is)

Bart Simpson: I know it's a cliche but, ay curumba. (the camera pans over Kang and Kodos who are responsible for the coke distributions)

Kang: Kodos, look at these space ratings for "Foolish Earthlings".

Kodos: What happened Kang, "Foolish Earthlings" used to be the Number One reality show in the galaxy. Space viewers couldn't get enough of these humans and their behaviour.

Kang: Our show is down in all key demos.

Kodos: But our show concept was so perfect. We film these idiotic bipeds with hidden cameras and beam it into every television in the galaxy.

(a TV with the Point of View of one of the wasp cameras show Groundskeeper Willie stepping on a rake and getting hit in the face by it since Sideshow Bob)

Groundskeeper Willie: (he always says this in Levels 1, 4 and 7 when the player is in the Springfield Elementary School) I'll cover your mockers!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: These aliens have been secretly filming an intergalactic reality show in [ Springfield]].

Bart Simpson: I knew there was a simple explanation.

Kang: I'm going to intruduce the evil cola into the water supply. People will go mad!

Kodos: I like it!

Kang: Then we distribute laser guns at the Squidport tourist area!

Kodos: I like it!

Kang: The cola madden humans will go beserk...

Kodos: I like it.

Kang: Destroying themselves and their town!

Kodos: Delivering big, big space ratings for "Foolish Earthlings".

Kang and Kodos: Hahahahaha!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: We have got to prevent the aliens from distributing laser guns into the hands of cola drunk townspeople.

Bart Simpson: Why that sounds hillarious, I'd watch that show!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: (facepalm) Tell you what you are a bad little boy.

BONUS MISSION: Kinky Frinky
Professor Frink: Excuse me Mr. Shopkeeper person, have you seen a hovering death machine?

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: No, nothing specifically of the hovering kind, no.

Professor Frink: Oh! This machine is one of my greatest inventions since cyber-K, they make you handsome and lovely.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: What are you talking about?

Professor Frink: I call it the Hover Car TM, don't try to steal the name, it's TM'd. I installed the nonborg computer and it came alive and attacked my person. For the love of glayvin, you got to help me here.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: OK what on earth will I do?

Professor Frink: Knock this machinery thing off the road before the authorities come in and take me away again, imprisoned in kind ﻿to some pencil-necked geeks like myself, they stomp and kick.

(Apu disabled the Hover Car and goes back to Frink)

Professor Frink: Great work my Hindu friend!!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Whoa, do not patronise my faith OK.

Professor Frink: Sorry, terribly sorry, look if you need a ride instant message into my cortex, by which I mean "call me". Mwa-hay!

Hillside Area and Docks Time Trial
Bart Simpson: Milhouse, you still working for the man?

Milhouse Van Houten: I've decided to buckle up and accept it. The money I earn goes towards dad's child support payments.

(Milhouse starts the race)

Milhouse Van Houten: 3, 2, 1!

(Bart wins the time trial in Squidport)

Patty Bouvier: That was just barely a pass, even on our low standards Bart.

Casino Circuit Race
Bart Simpson: Hey Nelson, how's work been?

Nelson Muntz: I'm not allowed to beat anyone when I'm on the job, that takes them getting used to.

(Nelson starts the race)

Nelson Muntz: 3, 2, 1, BLOW!

(Bart wins the circuit race in Squidport)

Patty Bouvier: You're a regular land surfer Bart, without the full button cast of course.

Bart Simpson: Give it time.

Squidport Checkpoint Race II
Ralph Wiggum: You and me are having a play-date. You race and I'll watch.

(Ralph starts the race)

Ralph Wiggum: 3, 2, 1, I did it! I counted!

(Bart wins the checkpoint race in Squidport)

Patty Bouvier: You did a good time there! Must have been that fling from the law you have done.

Going to the 'Lu
Bart Simpson: Apu, you've got to help me warn Krusty of this alien plot, and thus saving the good people of Springfield.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: I am sorry sir but I cannot speak English, I can only speak Hindu.

Bart Simpson: But you're speaking English now.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Yes, I learned these words phonetically.

Bart Simpson: You're just scared about getting vaporised by the space monsters.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: Up, down, up, down, go hot dog, button your undershirt, blah, blah, blah.

Bart Simpson: Otto man, I need a ride.

Otto Mann: No can do, little dude. I gotta round up these other little dudes and get them to KrustyLu for the studio tour

Bart Simpson: That's where I need to go. Step on it, Otto.

Otto Mann: Ok right after I drop these kids off at KrustyLu.

Bart Simpson: Otto, I just said that.

Otto Mann: OK, stop hassling me midget Abraham Lincoln.

Getting Down with the Clown
Bart Simpson: Barney, where's Krusty? I have to warn him.

Barney Gumble: Krusty's not here, Little Homer, he's down at the Squidport, doing a promo for this new Buzz Cola.

Bart Simpson: But that's the cola the aliens are using to control all human behaviour.

Barney Gumble: Control human behaviour? No beverage can do that. Oh no, I haven't had a Duff in two hours, my life is over! Ohhhhh!!

Bart Simpson: But I have to get to Krusty before the limo does.

Barney Gumble: And I have to stay here and go through the DT's.

Bart Simpson: Sounds like a plan.

Lab Coat Caper
Bart Simpson: Krusty, listen carefully, aliens are handing out free laser guns and cola that makes you go crazy. It'll be a massacre, the streets will be littered with lasered-off limbs and heads.

Krusty the Clown: Yeah right, and I'm getting into the Country Western Hall of Fame. It just ain't gonna happen, kid.

Bart Simpson: Oh, I just got to find evidence. Who do I know that's smart enough to prove this alien conspiracy? Bumblebee Man, Comic Book Guy, Disco Stu, that's it! A nerd, Professor Frink!

Duff for Me, Duff for You
Bart Simpson: Proffesor Frink! You've gotta help me, no one believes my story, it's just just like "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" except, instead of a wolf, it's an alien conspiracy!

Professor Frink: Aliens? That would explain the strange transmissions from my Plutonium C-B Radio. I must've intercepted an alien message. It says they're hiding the lasers in the duff trucks. Bla, ho, ya, the plot is congriluted now.

Bart Simpson: Relax, nerd layer, I'll knock the lasers out of the trucks so I can show them to Krusty.

(Bart heads over to the Duff Brewery and stops the Duff Truck by destroying 6 boxes of laser guns, then heads back to the brewery blimp and collects a laser gun to use as proof)

Bart Simpson: I show this to Krusty, he'll have to believe me! I can't believe I brought myself a laser gun they are using for good. I am such a sell-out.

Full Metal Jackass
Bart Simpson: Principal Skinner, aliens are distributing deadly lasers all over Springfield. We've gotta warn everybody.

Seymour Skinner: All we've gotta do, young man, is get that eliscit goo-god of your hands. Clearly you forgot the the schools zero-tolerance policy on lasers.

(Bart goes after Skinner and recovers the laser gun)

Bart Simpson: Now to show the proof to Krusty and if he doesn't believe me now, I'll fry him good.

Set to Kill
Bart Simpson: Krusty, I have proof now! See this laser gun?

Krusty the Clown: Well what do you know, you were telling the truth. You've tought this old clown a lesson. Uh, blah, blah, blah, excetera, excetera, stay in school. I just wish you told me before I let them set up those free laser gun stands.

Bart Simpson: Oh man, I better get some heavy artillery if I'm gonna take out that much private property. Hmm, Kearney should have something.

(Bart goes to Kearney who is in KrustyLu Studio)

Bart Simpson: Hey Kearney, I need to do a lot of collaterall damage in the minimum amount of time.

Kearney Zzyzwicz: I've got just the thing. I have a car that was owned by a supervillain. he used to conquer the East Coast.

(Bart purchases the Globex Super Villain Car and goes through Squidport as he destroys every laser stand and rush back to the studio to talk to Krusty)

Bart Simpson: Oh, why didn't I just do this in the first place?

Krusty the Clown: Oh, why didn't I know that show girl last night was a guy? Eyesights are always 20-20.

Kang and Kodos Strike Back
Bart Simpson: Dad, the aliens have taken over the Duff Brewery and they're using it to store laser guns. Ohh, never my life I have to do so much explaining.

Homer Simpson: What, this is Duff's worst disgrace since Duff Ice. It's time to use my secret weapon. Remember when I told you I sold my old car so you could go to college?

Bart Simpson: Yeah.

Homer Simpson: It was a lie.

Bart Simpson: Yay, that's worth more.

Movie 5: An Evil Plot so Severe
(Bart and Homer drive over to the Duff Brewery blimp base where Kang and Kodos park their UFO as they come out of the pit and speak to them)

Kang: The lasers were only the beginning! Even now, our all purpose evil cola is spreading underground through your water supply. It will wake the dead! Zombies will rise from the grave and devour the living!

Kodos: And our ratings will rise! Rise to levels not seen since the hay day of Evening Shade. (the siblings laugh as they fly away)

Bart Simpson: Oh man, that sounds cool! I mean, oh no, I hope their plan fails. Who am I kidding, zombies eating brains! Oh this is gonna rock!

BONUS MISSION: Milking the Pigs
Bart Simpson: Hey Snake.

Snake Jailbird: Hey kid dude, what's up.

Bart Simpson: Um, looking for a wheelman.

Snake Jailbird: Tempting. Tell you what dude; I just walked out of Springfield Prison but if you clear up a few loose ends for me I will help you.

Bart Simpson: Cool, a chance to use my petty thug training.

Snake Jailbird: Groovy, first up, we're are going to keep the evidence from my trial and his car. Snatch it and he ain't got nothing on me. Ha ha.

(Bart destroys Chief Wiggum's car and goes back to Snake)

Bart Simpson: OK, that's one smacked up pork-bag.

Snake Jailbird: Oh yes! I am a free man again! Now let's get a little "venture-capital" shall we? I hear Fat Tony is totally paying big bucks for every milk truck that gets smashed up, no-one knows why, but he's the kingpin apparently.

(Bart destroys the milk truck and then returns to Snake)

Snake Jailbird: OK dude, here's the deal: you need me, you just call my service and I will be there. Later dude.

Kwik-E-Mart Time Trial
Homer Simpson: Hey zombie! You're working at the DMV now?!

Half-headed Zombie: Braaaaaaaaains...

Homer Simpson: Thank you, I do have nice brains.

(the zombie starts the race)

Half-headed Zombie: Braaaaaains...braaaaaaiiiins...!

(Homer wins the time trial)

Half-headed Zombie: Mrrruuugh...?

Haunted Suburbia Circuit Race
Homer Simpson: If I win this, you have to promise not to eat my brains.

Garment-worn Zombie: Noooo...yeah...

(the zombie starts the race)

Garment-worn Zombie: Braaaiiin? Braaains? Braaaiiiins!

(Homer wins the circuit race)

Garment-worn Zombie: Hrrrrruuurrrrr.....

Evergreen Terror Checkpoint Race
Homer Simpson: OK living dead, let's do this and get back to try to kill each other!

Lowlife Zombie: Towns...lake...lair...!

(the zombie starts the race)

Lowlife Zombie: Brain... Brains... Brains!

(Homer wins the checkpoint race)

Lowlife Zombie: Uuuurrrrrgh?!

Rigor Motors
Lisa Simpson: Dad! The zombies are on the way, shouldn't we do something?

Homer Simpson: Not now Lisa, I'm trying to listen to the baseball game.

Kent Brockman: (on television) It's the top of the seventh and, oh god zombies! They're devouring the crowd. Now... ah, they're eating my brain! Oh, the pain! Ahhhhh!!

Homer Simpson: Oh alright, I'll get some survival supplies. Stupid Brockman getting eaten by zombies.

(Homer goes over to the Flanders' house and asks Ned for a first aid kit)

Homer Simpson: Flanders, give me your first aid kit.

Ned Flanders: Well I was hoping to save it for Rod and Tod to bandage there brain-eating boo-boos.

Homer Simpson: Just rub a bible on them.

Ned Flanders: Will that work to fend off zombies?

Homer Simpson: Who am I, Doctor Science?

Ned Flanders: Okely-dokely, here's the first aid.

Rod Flanders: Daddy, if the zombies are dead, why aren't they in heaven?

Todd Flanders: I hope my brain feeds a poor, hungry zombie.

(Homer collects the first aid kit and heads over to the Spuckler's house for boards)

Homer Simpson: Let's see, what can I use to board up the windows? Ah, I know! Boards!

Cletus Spuckler: (yells at Homer for stealing his boards) Hey come back here! Dem's are our sleeping-on-boards! Oh, guess I have to use a hog for a pillow now...

Homer Simpson: Moe, I need your chainsaw to chop up attacking zombies.

Moe Szyslak: Then how will I defend myself?

Homer Simpson: Moe, Moe, Moe, shouldn't the weapons go to people who have loved ones in their lives.

Moe Szyslak: Yeah maybe your right.

Homer Simpson: I think I made my point.

Moe Szyslak: Well, I better comb my hair before the zombies get here. (Sigh) my life stinks.

Long Black Probes
Homer Simpson: Hey, you there, Smelly Sam. What's going on?

Comic Book Guy: The alien craft is using some sort of tractor beam to suck up trespassers to their doom. Worst. Effects. Ever.

Homer Simpson: But that's real.

Comic Book Guy: Worst. Effects. Ever.

Homer Simpson: What's with the cool black car?

Comic Book Guy: If my knowledge of sci fi movies is correct, which it is, the black car is an advanced probe for the mother ship. Now, if you're through, I'm going to spend my last hours on Earth, complaining about movies on the internet.

Homer Simpson: The gift of life is wasted on you.

Comic Book Guy: Yes, I recommend you obtain a zombie car. It will protect you well but it is runned on human brains, slight draw back.

Homer Simpson: I've got plenty of those.

(Homer follows the probe car to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant)

Homer Simpson: The power plant? I'm bored of this level.

Pocket Protector
Professor Frink: I'm glad you're here my mobidly obese ally. Based on my mathulations, I've figured out the aliens weakness. It's nuclear waste. Yuck.

Homer Simpson: Uh, and how does that effect me?

Professor Frink: Well it could save the life of you and your family.

Homer Simpson: And?

Professor Frink: Look, I've loaded my vehicle with nuclear waste from the power plant. I'm going to deliver this toxic payload to the alien ship, risking myself and my delicious brain to zombie snacking which if you've never undergone that, I can tell you it stings.

Homer Simpson: What a hero, I never knew his name.

Professor Frink: Uh, it's Proffesor John Frink.

Homer Simpson: (shakes his fist) Are you still here?

(Homer and Frink go to the UFO in the playground as Frink gets sucked up and blows up)

Professor Frink: That's the alien craft. Now to get out of the path of the...tractor beam!! Oh, it's sucking me off!

Homer Simpson: Heh heh heh, boy talking about hitting the nerd, heh heh heh. If I am going to kill these town filming, black car driving, cola poisoning, laser distributing, reality show filming monsters, I am going to need some more toxic waste.

There's Something About Monty
Homer Simpson: I need to find some nuclear waste, and fast!

Lisa Simpson: Why don't you ask Mr. Burns. His buried nuclear waste has poisoned Springfield for years to come.

Homer Simpson: Good ol' Mr. Burns. He'll save us! Thank goodness for nuclear waste.

(Homer goes to the nuclear power plant but it seems like the probe car is chasing him and he must lose it)

Homer Simpson: Uh oh. It's that black car again. Ohh, it has the speed of a sub-boss combined with a determination of a level boss.

Alien "Auto"topsy I
Charles Montgomery Burns: Ooh, is it you Merryweather, come to haunt me again. I kid you once I...

Homer Simpson: Mr. Burns, it's me, Homer Simpson!

Charles Montgomery Burns: So you're not the ghost of my former partner? Woo, wow, that was... wow.

Homer Simpson: Look, I need to get some barrels of radioactive waste to save Springfield from the aliens.

Charles Montgomery Burns: I agree, illegal aliens are a nuisance.

Homer Simpson: Not leafblower aliens, tentacle aliens.

Charles Montgomery Burns: Oh, in that case, here's a map to where I burried nuclear barrels all over Springfield. They won't be able to find me, bleeding heart liberals. I hope they... bleed from the heart.

(Homer drives with the vehicle of his choice with nuclear waste attached to it, he goes near the UFO as the vehicle blows up)

Homer Simpson: What? Oh man! My car is gone! And the ashtray was full of pennies! I'm gonna need another car!

Alien "Auto"topsy II
Snake Jailbird: Wow, imagine, me getting car jacked. What a total switcharoo.

Homer Simpson: Just go.

Snake Jailbird: And what will you do if I don't.

Homer Simpson: Flip you the bird!

Snake Jailbird: OK, don't get freaky, get in!

(Snake and Homer reach the UFO with the nuclear waste as Snake gets abducted)

Snake Jailbird: Sayonara dude!

Alien "Auto"topsy III
Homer Simpson: Where'd you get that sweet ride.

Abraham Simpson: I bought it with my social security. Thank you Uncle Sucker.

Homer Simpson: Gimme a lift. I gotta save Springfield.

Abraham Simpson: You're not gonna sacrifice me for the greater good, are you son?

Homer Simpson: We'll see dad, we'll see.

Abraham Simpson: Ohh.

(Homer and Abraham successfully reaches the UFO and Homer bails out)

Homer Simpson: (as Abraham is nearly at the bottom of the UFO) Hurry up, I got to pee!

MOVIE 5: The Last Blow
Abraham Simpson: (having been abducted by the beam) I SMELL TOAST!

(the nuclear waste explodes on impact as the UFO loses control and crash-lands into the Springfield Elementary School)

Homer Simpson: Eat nuclear death you effeminent, wrinkly space wads! Hehehe, imagine that, scared of some harmless nuclear waste. So very harmless. Ow!

(Homer looks at his back and there is a third hand scratching him)

Homer Simpson: Cut your finger nails!

(the Rigellian siblings emerge from the crashed UFO looking like they are about to die)

Kang: That fortune teller was right: I do end up up dying in a spaceship crash.

(a SpaceVariety newspaper article comes up, then the Simpsons are gathered up on the sofa at home)

Lisa Simpson: Dad, I'm really proud of you for rescuing all of us from that alien invasion.

Homer Simpson: Did that really happen? I thought that was a dream after eating too many raw hot dogs.

Marge Simpson: No Homie, you're the town hero.

Homer Simpson: Sweet! And the ninja babysitters? Was that real or a hotdog dream?

Lisa Simpson: Hotdog dream.

(Bart runs in from the other living room)

Bart Simpson: Dad, your fans want you outside!

Homer Simpson: Fans.

(Homer puts his Duff can down to see what is going on outside. He opens the door to show tons of different coloured Rigellians)

Homer Simpson: Oh those fans.

(Homer bends down and grabs his newspaper. After he gets up, the different coloured Rigellians cheer and encourage him to showoff by showing his muscles. The camera pans over to the sky where Kang and Kodos are on a cloud)

Kang: At least our show was a success.

Kodos: Why did we go to Earth Heaven when we died?

Kang: At least we don't have to sit through all these stupid video game credits.

(Kodos points down as Kang looks down as the ending title moves up)

Kang: NOOOOOOO!!!

Credits
The credits roll as you can see different kinds of people who are behind the makings of this game. Plus Kang and Kodos are talking during the ending about them.

Kang: (on producer John Melchior) That guy deserves such a probing. Who are these people? I've never saw a dirty production.

Kodos: They implimate torture and punishment. The other drones scuddle and run at their approach.

Kang: What is the difference between the associate producer and the producer anyway?

Kodos: Uh, if you ask me, these humans spent too much time in teaching protein strap and one another.

Kang: (on the Vivendi Universal Games Marketing Team) So, what about this cludge of primates?

Kodos: They dispense millions of green currency credits required for recreational software.

Kang: What do earthlings do with these "green credits"?

Kodos: They are used to control the rationings with items like food and toilet seats, urgh! If I get another memo from that guy, I swear I am going to plutz!

Kang: (on Radical Entertainment producer Vlad Cerali) This one is the Alpha Male. His sweet-coloured odour and brightly-coloured churns are his dominance.

Kodos: He'll never know his workers are slowly poisoning him. I had no idea what these people did.

Kang: Let's use the female for our chrospilleration.

Kodos: Huh! She wouldn't give you 10 seconds.

Kang: Talking about a waste of DNA.

Kodos: Indeed, I have been smuttering people in the drug tank.

(after a few names of people have scrolled down)

Kodos: These humans were OK.

Kang: This guy was only saying "don't go there, what a loser." One of these guys had the creepiest forehead.

Kodos: Huh! I blow special effects out of my smell-hole!

Kang: (on the animators) These humans made me quote movies in the software. Hopefully not everyone will skip their creations like I did.

Kang: (on the artists) These humans make me feel fat.

Kodos: Oh stop it, you're as thin as the day I birthed you.

Kang: (on the programmers) And these bi-peds?

Kodos: They are the staged of the west, they are trained to radiation and dispensers day and night.

Kang: Trully death is their only release.

Kodos: This one is most entertaining! I lead my aids in his brain tissue.

Kang: (on the designers) These earthlings never learned that we replaced these guys with clones eons ago.

Kodos: Now our bloody vengeance will soon be complete, these must be the auditory humanoids. Strange, how they are so old.

BONUS MISSION: Flaming Tires
Homer Simpson: Mr. Smithers, can you help me out? There are some scary, weird, godless fascinating stuff going on.

Waylon Smithers: Not now Mr. Simpson, Mr. Burns wants me to run some errands but I have a prostate.

Homer Simpson: Whatever. Just give me the mission.

(Homer collects Mr. Burns' sock garters and sees Mr. Smithers)

Homer Simpson: Here you go Mr. Smithers.

Waylon Smithers: Oh thank god, the socks have been pulling around his ankles for days and it is his favourite brand. Alan Quartermane's keep-em-ups.

Homer Simpson: Hmm...what next?

(Homer collects Doc Wunderstein's Tooth Powder and returns to Mr. Smithers)

Homer Simpson: Doc Wunderstein's Tooth Powder.

Waylon Smithers: Thanks Simpson, Mr. Burns hasn't got teeth anymore but he feels young when I rub it on his gums. Just to give him thanks for a while.

Homer Simpson: Ugh, that's gross... What's next?

(Homer collects the "Yes, We Have No Bananas" record and heads back to Mr. Smithers)

Homer Simpson: What does he need this for?

Waylon Smithers: Um Mr. Burns likes to vote over the exercise every morning, it keeps his muscles from falling off his bones.

Homer Simpson: Hehe, great. Gotta go!

Pedestrians

 * Watch out!
 * This is one of the worst towns in America!
 * Hey! Eyes on the road, jerk!
 * Eh, get your face outta my face!
 * What the heck were you thinking??
 * Hey! Spines don't bend that way!
 * Thanks a lot Mr. Brake-my-legs!
 * I am SO sick of this happening.
 * Oh that is it I'm moving to Shelbyville.
 * You almost hit a person!!
 * This is really a bad day.

Zombies

 * Braaaaaaaiiiiiiinsss...
 * Muuuuuuuuunnnnghhhh...!
 * Uuuuuuuuughhh...
 * Brrrrrraaaaaaaiiiinns....(slurps)
 * Uuhh...why...me...alive...?

Homer Simpson

 * Must...never...run...again!
 * The important thing, I'm not imaging these things!
 * Boy I need a disco nap.
 * Ouch! My bikini zone's cheefing.
 * Jest pains! I mean chest pains!
 * It's crashing time!
 * We're number one! We're number one!
 * I'm king of the world!!
 * Everyone sucks but me.
 * I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean, S-M-A-R-T.
 * Wheeeee!
 * Bouncy bouncy!
 * Oh! I'm soaring like a candy wrapper in the up-draft!
 * What's up?
 * My name is Homer.
 * How's it hanging?
 * Just a few more!
 * I should sell this on the internet.
 * You know that food doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
 * Just call me Air Homer!
 * Eat my dust!
 * Woohoo! Alright!
 * Woohoo! You should be in Cannonball Run!
 * I love to sit.
 * Your driving is etiquette but that's passion.
 * Uh, it was like that when I got here.
 * Oh I forgot my mission.
 * Walk!? That wasn't part of the deal!
 * Oh yeah, first the lane and the crotch.
 * I wish I'd had a dog with a saddle.
 * Oh, all I wanted was a peanut.
 * Now where am I going to put all of these things.
 * (whispers) Wrong side!
 * ...and people say I'm slow. Wait a minute! That was an insult!
 * 2, 4, 6, 8! You suck! I'm great! La da! La da! You are the one I hate!
 * Bart did it.
 * Ha ha! Stupid like a fox!
 * If you're so smart, then how come I broke you?
 * Marge will clean this mess up later.
 * I wonder if "do not press" means "press".
 * What's this do?
 * Thingy goes up.
 * Oh, the vibrations tickle my feet.
 * Oooh! I love senseless pushing things!
 * Could you come and pick me up? I'll pay you in back rubs.
 * Possessions are sleepy...
 * I have road rage and I know how to use it!
 * OW! My neck!
 * Oh, I swallowed my gum!
 * Ow, my ass!
 * As long as I finished scratching myself, you're history!
 * (whispers) You're not a very good driver.
 * Get outta my way, jerkass!
 * Damn it, I dropped my kebab!
 * Watch it I have a stupid sundae!
 * Lousy rotten carnage retribution!
 * Nothing lasts forever.
 * D'OH!
 * I am evil Homer! I am evil Homer!
 * Tisk, tisk, tisk, tisk. Wreckless driving is my esteem.
 * Out of control!
 * That was so painful!
 * I feel bad about myself.
 * Woohoo!
 * Looks harder than it is.
 * Another one?!
 * Stupid generic villains.
 * Vengeance will be mine!
 * I am excellente!
 * YAH!
 * Grrrrr!!
 * Can you come get me? My car is uh...sleeping.
 * Homer hates losing... Homer smash!
 * I'm a lean, mean speed thingy!
 * I have no insurance!
 * If I had a dollar for every time someone called for me to pick them up, I'd have one dollar!

Bart Simpson

 * Perfection, thy name is Bart.
 * This sucks and blows!
 * Aw, awesome man! That was the best ride ever!
 * Loser!
 * You cheated cheater!
 * Eat dust, dust eaters!
 * Hey! Slower traffic on the right please!
 * Eat asphalt, asphalt eaters!
 * Lisa did it!
 * It's time for some road rage, Bart Simpson style!
 * I hope that didn't break my memory card.
 * Not the detailing.
 * Nooooooooooooo...(pause)...ooooooo!
 * Oops.
 * Beep!
 * Ow, my butt hurts.
 * Oh right that was so cool!
 * Attention cars: 10-year-old hitchhiker needs a ride.
 * (laughs) I should do that more often.
 * Take THAT!
 * I should enjoy this so much.
 * Whoa, that was the coolest!
 * This is too cool for school.
 * I'm in so much trouble, I really need a car.
 * Breaker, breaker: This is Bart, requesting one pimp ride A.S.A.P.
 * Lousy laws of physics!
 * I'll never lose these love handles...
 * (panting) Just give me a sec...to catch my breath...

Lisa Simpson

 * I'm pretty sure I should use a pony right now.
 * Am I old enough to drink coffee yet?
 * I hope these are recyclable.
 * Oh dear.
 * I sure hope Bart gets blamed for that.
 * Look at me, I'm flying!
 * HAHAHAHAHA! Hahahahaha!
 * Yay! I won, I won, I won, I won!!!
 * Speed, glorious speed!
 * Sorry, sorry!
 * Mooooooooove it!
 * That is assault, THAT IS ASSAULT!
 * Pissed off 8-year-old coming through!
 * Watch where you're going!
 * OW!!
 * GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!
 * Ow! My hair!
 * Sorry buddy, you're too slow!
 * I am the lizard queen.
 * I don't want to share this with Bart.
 * I hope kids at home don't imitate my hitchhiking.
 * Um, I seem to be a little stranded here, can you help a little sister out?
 * Hey, I'm just a little girl!
 * You should do some mathematics loser!
 * Whew, I need to work on my cardio.
 * Ah, smell the fresh air.
 * Oops.
 * Class is dismissed until Groundskeeper Willie cleans up Ralph's "uh-oh".

Marge Simpson

 * (chuckles) Nice girls finish fast!
 * Careful! I have bad reflexes.
 * You couldn't follow a parade!
 * Sensible shoot to the pedal.
 * It was an accident.
 * Send the bill to Homer.
 * Oh, the repo guys aren't gonna like that.
 * Get that doo-hickey off the road!
 * Road rage...building...
 * Steady Marge, really steady.
 * Oh, I don't have any pockets.
 * I swear I used to be a better runner.
 * I'm not very good at this!
 * Sexy mummy needs a ride!
 * This is going next to Bart's baby shoes.
 * Lisa did it.
 * Slow and steady wins the race.
 * Canyonero!
 * Eat Canyonero!
 * Hello Mr. Smiles!
 * Wakey-wakey! Eggs are bakey!
 * AAAAAAAAGH!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

 * Oh, I should sleep more.
 * Hindu, coming through.
 * Agh! I smashed my skull.
 * The giant god has got us, destroying me down.
 * Ha! Clean up in Aisle One.
 * Thank you, come again.
 * It looks like the end of the road for Apu.
 * What are you trying to prove with this crazy driving?
 * If you give me a ride, I promise I will give you a million dollars in the next life I promise.
 * What the heck were you thinking?
 * How are you this fine day?
 * Just you and me...random object.
 * Who put this here? It makes no sense.
 * Please come again!
 * Thank you customer! See you in hell!
 * Move it cracker!
 * Hey! Move it whitey!
 * I am a lean, mean, vindaloo machine!
 * Hopefully the store will not be robbed more than two times while I am driving around town today.
 * Try this new health bar, made from entire chocolate.
 * I would possibly need a ride.

Ralph Wiggum

 * The doctor said I won't have any nosebleeds if I stuck my finger up my nose.
 * This is my sandpit, I am not allowed to go in the deep end.
 * Chicken legs are scary.
 * Mummy says scouts are nature's bandages.
 * Ralph Ralph Ralph! Ralph Ralph Ralph!
 * You're a stupid head who's stupid.
 * You just hit me in the private area. (crying)
 * (after drinking paste as he feels funny) My pee came out.
 * (when Homer presses the buzzer at the Wiggum's house) The door says "knock knock!"
 * (when Homer presses the buzzer at the Wiggum's house) Are you the Easter Bunny?

Seymour Skinner and Agnes Skinner
Seymour Skinner: Yes Mother! Seymour Skinner: Yes Mother! Seymour Skinner: Yes Mother. Seymour Skinner: Yes Mother!
 * Agnes Skinner: (when Seymour crashes) Are you trying to kill me, Seymour?
 * Agnes Skinner: (when Seymour crashes) This guy drives worse than you Seymour!
 * Seymour Skinner: (crashing) Fire in the hole!
 * Seymour Skinner: (when Homer or Marge turns off the alarm) Remain calm students; all is well for school. Not remaining for the total.
 * Seymour Skinner: Should you be in class?
 * Agnes Skinner: I banged my head. You're getting a spanking Seymour.
 * Agnes Skinner: You drive like a sissy!

Rod Flanders

 * (when Homer or Marge opened the shelter) Is that you Lord?

Clancy Wiggum

 * I don't know. Maybe I'd go faster if I took my pants off. What do you think?
 * SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
 * Err, police business, move it.
 * Don't be alarmed. I'm a professional...badge...guy.
 * Crime doesn't take a vacation, but I do.
 * Help! Oh, god! I've fallen into the batter rack!
 * Hey, this place is of Chinese food too. Excellent!
 * What is this? Grand theft auto?

Otto Mann

 * Whoa! I spilled my pudding.
 * Yeah, that was awesome!

Barney Gumble

 * (in a skip) Whoa, it stinks down here! It stinks everywhere!

Louie (mafia)

 * Get lost, we're greasing our hair and skin.
 * Go away. We are making a...sausage...mad sausages...
 * Get out of here or I'll punch you in the eye!

Comic Book Guy

 * Great! My car is now near-mint.
 * MOVE!!
 * I need full impulse power!
 * We don't have deflector shields you know.
 * I will roll to determine your chances of getting a ride. (pause) I will be there in 5 turns.
 * I CAN FLY! Temporarily.
 * Direct hit! I need more power!
 * I spilled my Squishee!

Ned Flanders

 * Don't you know the gum drop? Uh, I mean the password?

Abraham Simpson

 * Oh, did I do something wrong.
 * Hop in Junior, times-a-wasting. (snores)
 * Now my story begins in 19-diggerty-2. We had to say "diggerty", because the Kaiser had stolen our word 20.
 * Move it! I'm not dead yet!
 * Oh, you're not going to take me back to the home are you?
 * Look where you're going you idiot!

Cletus Spuckler

 * Oh, I've got five hound-dogs in here!
 * Eat pickup, city folks!
 * Yeehaw!
 * This is way better than the movie box!
 * Well, I think I drink all my 'shine, so might as well go for a drive.
 * I believe you want to take the opposite door?
 * Whatever happened is none of my business.

Professor Frink

 * Ow, the collision, it hurts me!

Gil

 * You just got to help old Gil out.
 * The wolf is at Gil's door.
 * So you're looking for a car?

Snake Jailbird

 * Like, out of the way walking dude?
 * Get out of the way, road-hard dude!
 * Oh, like NO!
 * Yeah, chicks love it when I do this.
 * Dude, you better not scratch my car.
 * Yeah! Mindless destruction.
 * Passenger seat and trunk are your only options.
 * Oh, I'm going to mess you up.
 * Bombs away!

Waylon Smithers

 * You better watch out! I have puppies in my car!
 * Ow! I think I felt something snap.
 * Err...send it to my lawyer for shredding.
 * That was your fault.
 * Mr. Burns, where are you when I need you?
 * I dented your car, which probably dented my car. Well, I dented your car.

Milhouse Van Houten

 * (after being kicked in the groin by Nelson) I think I swallowed my retainer.
 * (after Kearney and Jimbo shake him over the cliff) I feel barfy!

Krusty the Clown

 * (puts on a moustache) Do I like this?

Hans Moleman

 * (after being hit in the groin by an American football) All I know is pain.
 * (after being blinded by a camera light) I see a bright light. Is that Heaven?