Lionel Hutz

Lionel Hutz, voiced by Phil Hartman, is a fictional secondary character from The Simpsons. Although he is known for being an attorney, he is also a babysitter, agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer, realtor, cobbler, and possibly a drug dealer.

He was an inept ambulance chaser whom the Simpsons nonetheless repeatedly hired as their lawyer (a fact remarked on by Marge in a typically self-aware aside). His legal practice, located in a mall, was named "I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm!" (possibly a reference to the product I Can't Believe It's Not Butter or the chain I Can't Believe It's Yogurt). He often tried to entice potential clients with free gifts, including a "smoking monkey" doll and a business card that "turns into a sponge when you get it wet". In The Simpsons Hit & Run, there is a sign advertising his law firm that reads "Out-of-court settlement in 30 minutes or your pizza is FREE!" Season 4 and 5 Episode Commentaries had revealed that Roy Cohn had been the basis for many of Lionel Hutz' quirks and his unethical behavior, though the same comments can be made about the Blue Haired Lawyer.

In the episode "Realty Bites", he also tried his hand at selling real estate. Hutz was briefly married to Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure Stu. When Marge hired him to babysit the Simpson children, he had renamed himself Miguel Sanchez following some trouble that prompted him to change his identity. At some point, he apparently went by the alias Dr. Nguyen Van Thoc.

The character was retired after Hartman's murder in 1998, as well as his other main character Troy McClure. Since court scenes are somewhat frequent, different characters have represented the Simpsons in legal matters after the retirement. For example, in "Sweets and Sour Marge", the equally incompetent Gil stepped in, while Blue Haired Lawyer has also served the same function. Lionel Hutz still appears in clip shows and flashbacks, as well as crowd scenes, but only in non-speaking roles. It could be said that he suffers from Chuck Cunningham Syndrome.

His first appearance was the second-season episode "Bart Gets Hit by a Car," and his final speaking role was in the ninth season's "Realty Bites."

Quotes

 * Hutz: (looking at his card which says "Works on contingency--No money down") Oh, they got this all wrong! (writes on the card and shows it to Bart; it now reads "Works on contingency? No, money down!") Bart: So you don't work on a contingency basis? Hutz: "No, money down!" I shouldn't really have this bar association number here either. (Rips off the number at the bottom of the card and eats it)
 * Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, your case is just what I need to rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of Scotch? Marge: It's nine o'clock in the morning. Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.
 * (defending Homer in a legal case against Satan, in which Satan has Homer under contract) That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract?  Webster's defines it as "an agreement under the law which is unbreakable."  (emphasizing) Which is unbreakable! (the members of the jury look at him) Excuse me, I must use the restroom.
 * (in a deleted scene from the above episode) Hutz: (carrying a pizza box) Well, we didn't win, here's your pizza. Marge:But we did win! Hutz: That's okay, the box is empty.
 * (when Marge is on trial for shoplifting) Hutz: Uh-oh, we've drawn Judge Snyder. Marge: Is that bad? Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. Marge: You did? Hutz: Well replace the word "kinda" with "repeatedly" and the word "dog" with "son."
 * (after Marge is acquitted of shoplifting) Bart: When I grow up, I want to be a lawyer just like you. Hutz: Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers? (Hutz imagines people of diverse ethnicities happily dancing in a circle in a lush, sunny landscape, and shudders.)
 * (on his career change to realtor) Legal business has been slow and since most of my clients keep losing their homes, it was a natural career move.
 * Lisa: You're a modern-day Clarence Darrow. Hutz: Was that the black guy from The Mod Squad?
 * Hutz: (in a sidebar with Judge) I move for a bad court thingy. Judge: You mean a mistrial? Hutz: Yeah, that's why you're the judge and I'm the law talking guy. Judge: You mean the lawyer? Hutz: Right...
 * Judge: Mr. Hutz are you aware that you're not wearing any pants? (Hutz looks down and screams)
 * Judge: This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin. And it still says guilty! And guilty is spelled wrong...(Judge angrilly looks down at Hutz)
 * I've argued before every judge in the state...often as a lawyer!
 * Don't worry, Mister Simpson! I saw Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
 * (after Homer and Marge are thrown out of the "all you can eat" buffet at the Frying Dutchman) Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of false advertising since my lawsuit against the movie The NeverEnding Story!