Milhouse Van Houten

"The House always wins."

- Milhouse

"My Glasses!"

- Milhouse's catchphrase when he is hurt

"Everything's comin' up Milhouse!"

- What Milhouse says when things are going well for him

"What's Up!"

- Milhouse's catchphrase

Milhouse Mussolini Van Houten is Bart Simpson's best friend. As the only child of Kirk and Luann Van Houten, Milhouse's most distinctive physical traits are his extreme nearsightedness (depicted by very small eyes), requiring thick glasses to correct, and a huge nose.

Milhouse has average intelligence but very poor social skills. Although devious in his own way, Milhouse is quite gullible, which is why he is often led into trouble by Bart, who is not shy about taking advantage of the other's naivete. Milhouse appears as a Masterbuilder in The Lego Movie. He also appears in the new Simpsons Lego sets.

Early life
When Milhouse gets angry with Bart, he says "I'm only 3 months younger than you". Bart was born on April 1st, so that means Milhouse was born in July.

Biography
Milhouse is constantly victimized in one form or another, such as being the target of the bullies Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney. They often inflict extreme acts of physical violence upon him. One instance had the bullies wrapping Milhouse in bumper stickers and placing him in a shopping cart, the bullies then pushed the cart with Milhouse inside down a very steep hill. He frequently visited a female psychiatrist, Dr. Waxler, until even she got fed up by his constant phone calls, and blocked his number from her own phone. He is also a subject of Nelson's near constant bullying including Nelson's "stop (hitting, zapping, etc.) yourself." Milhouse still uses a child-size car seat and has long been a bed-wetter.

Milhouse has been seen as relatively cool boy in a couple of episodes. When his parents were lost at sea and presumed deceased, the kids at the school were impressed by Milhouse's stoicism, even Nelson, who refrains from beating him up. Bart brought Milhouse's uncle Norbert (who is of Danish descent and resides in Solvang, Califormia) to Springfield to console Milhouse. When Milhouse's mother moved with him to Capital City after his parents separated, in another episode, he dyed his hair blond, wore fashionable clothes and acted rude to impress his new friends, who acted similarly. He even asked Bart to let him give him a wedgie to impress the others. After his father Kirk won custody of Milhouse and brought him back to Springfield, everything went back to normal.

People frequently make Milhouse the butt of a variety of jokes and abuse, ranging from being beat up by Nelson for delivering a love note from Lisa (that Nelson thought was from Milhouse himself), having the door slammed in his face while playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey, making him a wanted fugitive and inadvertently inheriting Bart's dismal permanent record at school through a side deal arranged between Bart and Edna Krabappel and Principal Skinner, which will disqualify Milhouse from "all but the hottest and noisiest jobs."

Milhouse is of Greek, Italian, Dutch and Danish descent.

Friendship with Bart Simpson
Bart and Milhouse share a general friendship through the series. Milhouse first became friends with Bart in kindergarten when he sat next to him while drinking. After Bart makes him laugh and squirt milk out of his nose by making armpit noises, Milhouse says that he's funny, forming their friendship (and encouraging Bart's mischievous behavior).

On Bart's account, he is shown to victimize Milhouse in many of his pranks and misdeeds. On one occasion, Bart got Milhouse placed on the America's Most Wanted list, On another occasion, he tried to lure Milhouse into a cactus. This kind of torture is often used by Bart, who tries either to get Milhouse in trouble or to hurt him for no reason, making Milhouse's and Bart's relationship even more questionable. Bart once introduced Milhouse to Greta and attempted to explain why they are friends. He cannot come up with a real answer and admits that it is due to geographical reasons. Homer also enjoys occasionally making fun of Milhouse (i.e. referring to him as "that little wiener Milhouse"). Milhouse sometimes does bad things due to Bart's influence, such as dropping mustard on cars from the top of a bridge and destroying the school by loosening all the screws, which is why Milhouse's mother once decided that she did not want the duo to see each other anymore but later changed her mind after Marge told her that the two are each other's only friends.

On the other hand, Milhouse's loyalty to Bart as a friend is arguable. Through the series, Milhouse has been shown to been occasionally fickle towards Bart, as he often abandons him, sells him out to avoid trouble, or attacks whenever a dispute breaks out. Such instances would include (but are not limited to) daring him to yank off Homer's beard when he was working as a mall Santa, disowning Bart for being presumably being a genius after he is sent to the Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children, even though Bart cheated to get in, abandoning him after he hurt himself during his first daredevil attempt to jump over a car while riding a skateboard, taking Bart away (as the new hall monitor) to serve 600 days of detention after Bart covers for Lisa, neglecting Bart after falling in love with Samantha Stankey and later attacking him after Bart told Samantha's father about their romance, accusing Bart of being in league with an unknown conspiracy and attacking him when the children believe their parents are acting peculiar, tattling on Bart to Reverend Lovejoy that they switched the churches intended hymns with "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida", wagering Bart to sell his soul for $5 and raising the price to $50 when he asks for it back, refusing to share his Bonestorm video game by falsely telling his mother that Bart was "swearing" and "smoking", attacking Bart after he criticizes his management skills when they are left in charge of The Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop, boasted to Bart about how he was dating Greta Wolfcastle after he broke up with her, taking credit for Bart's idea on how to sneak into R-rated movies, asking Bart to let him give him a wedgie and laughed at him in order to look cool in front of his new friends when he moved to Capital City, jeopardizing Bart's relationship with Jenny by hinting at his misdeeds, and tattling on Bart to his mother that the cell phone he found belongs to Denis Leary after she takes it away.

Based on the evidence of their relationship as friends, the general thing holding their friendship together is their mutual interests in things such as pranks, Krusty the Clown, and Radioactive Man comics.

Milhouse's "My Mom Says" Excuses
Anytime that Bart insist that they should do something, Milhouse would opt out and give an excuse that his mother won't let him. A few examples are, "My mom":


 * "Won't let me be your friend any more".
 * "Says I'm cool"
 * "Says I'm the handsomest guy in school"
 * "Says solving riddles is an asthma trigger".

Romance
Milhouse is clumsy around females. He exhibits a tendency to begin acting rather ridiculously feminine, complete with clichéd catchphrases and mannerisms. This case of social anxiety has lost him Lisa's heart three times, as well as a relationship with Rainier Wolfcastle's daughter Greta. Examples of such behavior are referring to himself as a "big sister" and being caught with a scrunchie in his hair. As early as kindergarten, a school counselor accidentally revealed that he had assessed Milhouse to be gay (after misinforming Bart's parents after mixing up the boys' charts), On occasion Milhouse has been shown to enjoy cross-dressing. In one episode, he convinces Bart to dress up with him too. He comments that a new boy, named Devan Woosterfield, is beautiful. Once, Milhouse rides Lisa's bike, and Bart asks him what it's like riding a girl's bike, and Milhouse replies "it's surprisingly comfortable".

Milhouse's first girlfriend was Samantha Stankey, a new student who had moved to Springfield from Arizona. Because of all the time the two were spending together, Bart felt excluded and resorted to revealing their relationship to Samantha's strict father, who caught her and Milhouse in the treehouse. He sent her to a Catholic girls school in Quebec so she would never see Milhouse again. After visiting her at school and sharing one last kiss, the two never see each other again.

Note: Milhouse's official first kiss was with Samantha, this is contradicted when Milhouse claims his first kiss was actually with Homer when Milhouse's eyes were closed during a game of spin the bottle that Homer interrupted by unexpectedly going up the treehouse.

Despite caring a great deal about Samantha early in the series, Milhouse harbors a hopeless crush on Bart's younger sister, Lisa throughout the series, even going so far as to make awkward attempts to impress her. His feelings are unrequited but Lisa is rarely cruel. She showed concern for Milhouse when he was beaten up by Nelson on one occasion and tended to him. This rare moment of affection however was brief, as she became distracted by the arrival of Irish environmentalist Colin, who became her love interest. When the Trappuccino finished, Milhouse lied to Lisa about Colin's death and that he begged Milhouse to look after her. Colin returned in the midst of Milhouse's story, and he quickly took his leave. In a newer episode, Lisa kisses Milhouse on Holding Hands Peak, causing Milhouse to fall off the peak. He comes up on an eagle saying "every thing's coming out Milhouse!

In Moonshine River, he and Lisa dance,but Lisa says it was only a mindless friend date while Milhouse said it was a real date. He was once seen making out with Paris Texan, who is nearly 20, but this may be because he was wearing cool clothes at that moment.

Milhouse may have a crush on Marge, implied when Bart asked him if he's in love with her. Additionally, upon being asked whether he thinks that Marge is cool, he immediately, without thinking, responds, "No, I think she's HOT!"

School records
Milhouse once attempted to destroy his school permanent record, which had been switched with Bart's own dismal grades, but failed when the record fixed itself, proving its permanence. When Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel were dating and did not want Bart to tell anybody, they made a deal to change his permanent record and give it to somebody else, Bart agreed and Milhouse was given Bart's very poor permanent record.

Skills, talents & idiosyncracies
Milhouse is fluent in Italian due to visiting his grandmother Nana Sophie in Tuscany for two weeks every year. Due to his grandmother's hatted of the English language because her American lover had abandoned her (she named their lovechild "Bastardo"), whenever Milhouse spoke English she beat him. Thus he learned Italian but also started wetting his bed.

Milhouse is allergic to honey, wheat, dairy, non-dairy and even his own tears. He also says that real milk can kill him, although he often drinks it. He is also allergic to holly, mistletoe, the red part of candy canes and nectarine.

He has demonstrated that he is a skilled Vespa rider, although he is obviously not old enough to legally operate a scooter on public roads. He came closest to wooing Lisa when he taught her Italian, as she even kept a picture of Milhouse in her room while practicing the language. It is implied that she was captivated by his impressive command of the language during a rather romantic outing to the local Italian restaurant. However, he once again reached a roadblock due to his ongoing fatal flaw when it came to girls.

Milhouse knows how to cook. In the season 9 episode "The Cartridge Family", Homer says "Do you know how to cook dinner?", and Milhouse responds "Do I!?" and starts getting some cooking stuff out.

Future
As shown by Professor Frink's future machine, a Bizarro Milhouse is exactly the opposite of his usual self. He is now a powerfully built teenager, wearing a sleeveless T-shirt (wifebeater) showing his powerful arms, and who morphs into a -like character whenever he gets angry, although he doesn't turn green. He is, however, just as unhappy and frustrated as before, with his feelings towards Lisa unrequited and his friendship with Bart fizzled out. He apparently has not taken revenge on the school bullies who tormented him, and is still homely with the same greasy blue hair, bushy eyebrows, and thick glasses. Lisa's feelings towards him soften after he rescues her from a fire, although her change of attitude is tempered when she learns he had caused it in the first place. The two date, but when she breaks it off, he morphs into the -like creature, throwing cars around and destroying streets. Later, Lisa almost kisses him again out of desperation when she loses her college scholarship, but Bart separates them to prevent Lisa from ruining her future.

This version of Milhouse, however, does not concord with other future-based episodes. In "Holidays of Future Passed" (set in 2041), Milhouse finally marries Lisa and they have a daughter, Zia Simpson, and is again in his hay fever period. None of Milhouse's genetic material is used (or at least very little, if the blue streak in Zia's hair is any indication), suggesting that cloning has been perfected by 2041 (as Zia clearly favors Lisa). And, in "The Boys Of Bummer" in 2067, a 70-year old Milhouse, lets it slip to a 70-year old Bart that their little league game was faked to make up for his (Milhouse's) complete lack of athletic skill. The ghosts of Homer and Marge watch Bart taunt Milhouse.

The Simpsons Game
Milhouse appears as the villain Mr. Dirt who taunts Homer and Lisa as they seek to defeat all three Sparklemons. After they capture all three Sparklemon balls and place them in the coin slots of the giant toilet shrine, Mr. Sparkle cleans up the village, and Milhouse shrinks to normal, handing over the key card and being attacked by the three Sparklemons.

Creation
Milhouse was named after US President Richard Nixon, whose middle name was Milhous. The name was the most "unfortunate name Matt Groening could think of for a child." Milhouse is a favorite among the staff as Al Jean noted "most of the writers are more like Milhouse than Bart."

Trivia

 * In Rosebud, Milhouse is seen as a missing person on milk cartons, until they are pasted over with pictures of Bobo by Smithers and Mr. Burns.
 * In Hardly Kirk-ing he was voiced by both Pamela Hayden and Hank Azaria; the latter for when the tie compressed his voice-box.
 * In many episodes, Milhouse has been considered gay by Nelson. At one point Nelson joked about Bart wanting to marry Milhouse.
 * In The Way We Weren't, Milhouse has ringworm and says "I hope you like the taste of ringworm medicine!"
 * In the episode "Lisa's Rival", Bart managed to get Milhouse onto the FBI's America's Most Wanted list.
 * Milhouse was shown as a master builder in The Lego Movie.
 * Houten is a real town, near Utrecht, the Netherlands