Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"/Quotes

Grampa: Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles…

(the children laugh)

Martin: Dickety? Highly dubious!

Grampa: What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!

Bart [after Grampa spits]: Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people.

Grandpa: Oh, jabberjack. Schoolhouse don't put up spittoons, I ain't responsible. (spits again)

Mrs. Krabappel: All right, seniors, we'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda yadda yadda.

Grandpa Van Houten: Uh, how many of you have a house?

[children raise their hands]

Grandpa Van Houten: All right, now how many of you drove your house to school today?

[children raise their hands again, then wake up]

Children: Huh?

Grandpa Van Houten: Well, I did. [chuckles] No, I'm not Superman; I just own an RV. Me and the new wife travel the country searching for adventure. Last fall, we won a chili cook-off in Beaumont, Texas.

Children: Wow!

Grandpa Muntz: No, I'm not Superman; I'm a judge. Why, just this morning I sentenced my 46th man to death. Oh... no, 47th.

Nelson: Wow, 47! I love you, Grandpa.

Grampa: Yeah… well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon. Look!

Bart: And then, he claimed he was the one who turned cats and dogs against each other. Why is he always making up those crazy stories?

Homer: Maybe it's time we put Grampa in a home.

Lisa: You already put him in a home.

Bart: Maybe it's time we put him in one where he can't get out.

Mr. Burns: There, Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your press board coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.

Grampa: Over my dead body, it will!

Mr. Burns: That's precisely the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?

(Grampa's pants fall down with a "boing" sound.)

Grampa: How long was that?

Nurse: Abraham Simpson, your family is here to visit you.

Abe: Hot diggity, my family's come to visit me! [runs down the hall] Wait a minute... My family never comes to vi... Whoa! [a knife flies at his head]

Vidal: [disguised as Homer] D'oh! Not again!

Burns: [disguised as Marge] I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery.

Smithers: [disguised as Bart] I'll be in the car, dudes.

Jasper [after gunshots are aimed towards Abe]: Was that me or was that you?

Grampa: Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me!

Nurse: Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication! [Vidal comes in, shoots everywhere] [loads shotgun] [shoots] Our residents [shoots] are trying [shoots] to nap! [shoots]

Abe: [pounding on the door] Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicuddy, you gotta open the door!

Homer: Who is it?

Marge: It's Grampa. And it sounds like he's gotten into the horseradish again.

Abe: And then, a knife flew at my head. And [points to Homer] you were there, and [points to Homer] you were there...

Lisa: Uh, Grampa, maybe I should moisten your washcloth.

Abe: It's plenty moist!

Marge: Where are we going to put him?

Homer: Bart's room.

Lisa: Bart's room.

Marge: Bart's room.

Bart: Dumpster.

Bart: Mm-hmm. You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town. How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private?

Abe: Well... he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. We got stuck with him.

Abe: [yells] Don't kill me!

Burns: I've tried to meet you halfway on this, Simpson, but you had to be little Johnny Live-a-lot. Now, give me your key to the Hellfish bonanza.

Bart: Oh, wow! There really is a treasure! Whatever you do, don't give him the key, Grampa.

Abe: Here's the key.

Bart: Aw... figures.

(Mr. Burns plows through Lisa's room in a cherry picker.)

Burns: Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl.

Lisa: Santa?

Abe: Ah, I guess Burns is finally gonna be rich.

Bart: Not without the keys, he isn't! [shows Abe the two keys]

Abe: Hey, you got the keys!

Bart: Now we can get the treasure!

Abe: Oh, what's the use. Burns would still find some way to take it from me.

Bart: I can't believe you, Grampa. The sergeant in that story you told would never be scared of a dork like Burns. You gotta get that treasure, you gotta do it for Ox, and Asa, and Griff, and Burnsie... Well, not so much Burnsie.

Bart: Hey, Grampa, do you think that dead bodies get up and walk around at night?

Abe: If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice.

Ned: [to Abe on the boat] Well, howdy-doodily, stranger! Couldn't help but notice you're stealing my boat.

Abe: I'll bring it back.

Ned: You ever operated a powerboat?

Abe: No.

Ned: Know anything about water safety?

Abe: No!

Ned: What do you need it for?

Abe: It's a secret.

Ned: Hoo-hoo, sounds spine-tingling-dingling! Just promise you'll have a good time. [hands him the keys] Maude, boys, come on up! We're gonna have a little camp out in the dingy!

Maude, Rod & Todd: Yay!

Bart: Hey, Grampa, do you thing I could've been a Flying Hellfish?

Abe: You're a gutsy daredevil with a give-em-hell attitude and a 4th grade education. You could've made sergeant.

Bart: You coward! You're an embarrassment to the name Hellfish.

Burns: Oh, am I? [aims his gun at Bart]

Abe: No! Look, take the art if you want, just don't hurt the boy.

Burns: Hmm... I'd rather do both. [kicks Bart in the crate, which tilts over and falls in the sea]

Bart: I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.

Abe: Oh, the fortune doesn't matter, boy; the important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!

Smithers: They're gaining on us, sir. We'll have to jettison something. [Burns stares at him] It's been an honor to serve you, sir. [jumps off]

Burns: Don't kill me...

Abe: I ain't gonna kill ya, that'd be cowardly; Monty Burns cowardly. I just want to watch you squirm.

Burns: Yes sir. [squirms] Is this to your liking?

Agent: Baron von Wortzenberger, on behalf of the American people, I apologize for...

Baron: Ja ja ja, mach schnell mit der art things, huh? I must get back to Dancecentrum in Struttgart in time to see Kraftwerk. [the agent is storing the paintings in the trunk]Hey, und dummkopf! Watch out for the CD-changer in my trunk, eh? Idiot.

Abe: Oh... I'd hug ya, but I know you'd just get embarrassed.

Bart: I won't get embarrassed; I don't care who knows I love my Grampa. [both hug]

Baron: Hey, fun boys, get a room!