Simpsons Christmas Stories

"Simpsons Christmas Stories" is the ninth episode of The Simpsons '  seventeenth season. It aired on December 18, 2005. It is the last episode of the year.

The First (Annoyed Grunt)-El
When Reverend Lovejoy can't attend the Christmas sermon due to his train set catching on fire, Flanders immediately takes over. However, he gets a paper cut and faints. Homer decides to lead the sermon and tells the story of the first Christmas, with Marge as Mary, Homer as Joseph, Lisa as the angel Gabriel, Mr. Burns as King Herod, and Bart as Jesus.

Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, even though she's a virgin. The angel Gabriel appears to them and explains that Mary is going to give birth to the Son of God. The three wise men (Dr. Hibbert, Principal Skinner, and Professor Frink) tell King Herod that they are going to give gold, frankincense, and myrrh to the King of the Jews. When Herod thinks that the gifts are for him, the men explain to him that they're for the baby Jesus. Herod becomes angry and claims that he will kill the baby.

At the Bethlehem Inn, the innkeeper (Moe) tells Mary and Joseph that he has plenty of rooms available with brand new carpeting. However, when Mary's water breaks, he forces them to stay in the barn. Mary successfully gives birth to the baby, and the three wise men, along with the two shepherds (Lenny and Carl) come to see Jesus. Joseph is upset because he isn't Jesus' father, and when he drinks some wine, the baby turns it into water.

When Jesus keeps crying, Mary gives him to Joseph. He entertains him by hurting himself and one of the wise men (Skinner). When Jesus finally falls asleep, Herod and his troops find the manger that they're staying in. They escape and trick the soldiers by putting Jesus' halo on a duck. On top of the hill, Joseph cuts down a pine tree, and as it rolls down, the soldier gets caught in it. The soldiers, along with Herod, are arranged like ornaments on the tree, and the duck, still wearing the halo, stands on top of the tree. Mary calls it a Christmas tree, and Homer concludes his service.

I Saw Grampa Cussing Santa Claus
When Bart and Lisa find Grampa trying to stick a bear trap on top of the chimney, Grampa tells them that he's trying to get his revenge on Santa Claus. Bart asks why, and to their dismay, Grampa tells them one of his many stories.

Back in World War II, Grampa and his brother Cyrus (never mentioned until now) were fighting off Japanese planes when Cyrus got shot down. Shortly after, Grampa, who was accompanied by Mr. Burns, also get shot down and are stranded on an island. After a few months, they see a plane in the sky, and Mr. Burns shoots it down. However, when they go over to investigate, they see that it is actually Santa Claus. They build him a new sleigh and gather up all the presents. When Santa is about to leave, Mr. Burns knocks him unconscious with a coconut and flies away in the sleigh and claims that he is going to keep all the presents. Grampa catches up to him on a reindeer and jumps onboard the sleigh. After he beats Mr. Burns with a tricycle, he gives the sleigh back to Santa. As Santa leaves, he tells Grampa that he'll be back in a few days. However, he never comes back, and Grampa has to get off using a jet ski he made out of coconuts.

Bart and Lisa believe that it's just another one of Grampa's far-fetched tales, but when they hear a thump in the den, they find that Santa is there. He tells them that Cyrus didn't die, but instead crashed into Tahiti. Santa takes Grampa there, and they meet up with Cyrus and his fifteen wives. Santa explains to Grampa that he didn't come back for him on the island due to his procrastination and eventually feeling embarrassed about it.

The Nutcracker...Sweet
After the children of Springfield Elementary perform The Nutcracker, everyone begins to go along their day singing to the tune of the songs from the play. This is done after mentioning that the songs in The Nutcracker are in the public domain and thus can be and are played constantly for free. After the opening number (sung to the tune of "Marche"), Moe continues his holiday tradition and attempts suicide thrice, and naturally, fails (done to the tune of "Dance of the Flutes").

That evening, Marge tells Homer that he'll like the present that she got him. Not wanting to upset her, Homer tells her that his present for her is outside and goes to buy her a present (sung to the tune of "Trepak"). Every store is closed, and all Apu has at the Kwik-E-Mart is some jerky made out of trout. Homer searches in garbage cans, gutters, trees, and he even chases down Milhouse, but he can't find anything.

When he gets home, Marge gives Homer his present (done to "Pas De Deux"). He opens it and sees that it is another present with a tag that reads, "To Marge, From Homer." Marge tells him that she knew that he would forget to give her a present, so she gave him one to give to her. He gives it to her and she unwraps it, and Homer sees that it is a picture of him dressed up as Santa with Marge on his lap. They hug and kiss, and Moe, for the fourth time, attempts suicide by riding on a sleigh in the road, and missing an eighteen-wheel semi.

Trivia

 * In Tahiti, there is a girl resembling "Lisa Jr." from Missionary: Impossible.


 * The voice of Santa Claus in Grampa's story greatly resembles the voice of Robot Santa from Matt Groening's other animated show Futurama.
 * This marks the 365th episode, making it able for a different episode to air every day of the year (except in leap years).
 * When we see Reverend Lovejoy talk about "so many plastic Christmases ruined", one of the figures lying on the table is Mr. Burns.
 * This is one of the few episodes where there are three mini-stories, the most common ones being the "Treehouse of Horror" episodes.
 * The fourth episode of The Simpsons to date to air with a parental advisory warning before the episode in Australia for "adult themes". (Originally scheduled to air May 9th 2006 on Network Ten, but was pre-empted and replaced with "How I Spent My Strummer Vacation")

Cultural Refrences

 * Homer amuses Bart with Three Stooges gags.
 * Homer ends his Christmas sermon with a terrible imitation of Paul Harvey.
 * Krusty's sidekick in 1964 bears a striking resemblance to Woody Allen, though his hairdo is very much like Sideshow Mel's.

The First (Annoyed Grunt)-El

 * Flanders: (answering his cell phone) Christ is born, who's in my horn? Reverend Lovejoy: Bad news, Ned. There's been a horrible train wreck. (the camera zooms out and it's seen that his toy train has caught on fire due to a miniature Christmas tree falling on it) (puts down his cell phone) So many little plastic Christmases ruined. Flanders: (gasps) You want me to deliver the Christmas sermon? (puts down his cell phone) Oh, I feel like I'm born again again! (runs up to the front of the church and rips off his suit, revealing that he's wearing a minister's outfit underneath) (he runs up to the altar and takes out some paper) Now don't be nervous, Ned. You've practiced this so many times in the shower. (grabs one of the papers and cuts his finger) Aah, paper cut! (he faints)


 * Marge: Joseph, you know I have never lain with a man. Homer (sarcastically): Tell me about it.


 * Homer as Joseph: A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!


 * Lisa: Hail Mary, full of grace. Homer (under his breath): That's not all she's full of. Lisa: (to Homer) Quiet, you! (to both) Mary, you carry in your womb the son of God, who will grow up to become King of the Jews. Marge: (disappointed) So, not a doctor. Lisa: Well, he will be able to heal the sick. Marge: But nothing to hang on the wall?


 * Hibbert: King Herod, we three wise men come bearing gifts for the King of the Jews. We bring gold... Skinner: ...frankincense... Frink: ...and myrrh, which I am re-gifting, 'cause who needs myrrh? Here's the tag. (close-up of the gift card, which has Frink's name crossed out and instead has "King of the Jews") Mr. Burns as King Herod: Which one should I open first? Skinner (pause): Well, this is awkward. Uh, the King of the Jews we seek is a new born child. Burns: Find this pretender to my throne and bring him to me! Frink: Now, you wouldn't hurt the little boy-chick, would you? Burns: Gentlemen, kings don't hurt babies. Giant pointy swords hurt babies!


 * Bethlehem Inn sign: Welcome class of 20 B.C.


 * Moe as the innkeeper: Now don't you worry, I've got plenty of rooms in my inn. (gives Joseph a key) All with brand new carpeting. Marge as Mary: I think my water just broke! Innkeeper: (takes their key and gestures outside) You can have the barn. Now feel free to come by the mainhouse for breakfast. (frowning) There won't be any.


 * Dr. Nick: Shalom, everybody! Animals (translated): Shalom, Dr. Nick!


 * Lenny as a shepherd: (holding Jesus' nose) (playfully) I've got the Messiah's nose! I've got the Messiah's nose! (takes his hand away) Carl as a shepherd: Give it back, give it back, you'll kill us all!


 * Homer as Joseph: Oh, this is the worst Christmas ever!


 * Lisa as the Angel: (as Homer moves in to strangle Bart) Joseph, no! He has to stay alive till he's thirty-three when he'll be renounced by his friends and crucified! Bart as Baby Jesus: Huh? Lisa as the Angel: Hey, sorry, kid.


 * Homer: Oh, a wise man, eh? Pick two. (holds up hand. Skinner picks two of his fingers and Homer jabs them into his eyes)


 * Frink: King Herod has come for the child! Manger danger! Manger danger!


 * Caligatus Lou: Gee, chief, I feel pretty bad trying to take out a baby. Centurion Wiggum: Ah, don't worry, boys. No one will ever speak or write of this again. (we then see Matthew the Evangelist, with a scroll entitled "The Gospel According to Matthew") Matthew (begins writing): What a boffo beginning for my book!


 * (Homer/Joseph cuts down a large tree, which rolls over the Romans and Herod. The duck flies to the top of the tree) Homer: What a lovely Hanukkah bush! Marge: Let's call it a "Christmas tree". (the Roman troops go "ahhhh") Wiggum: Christmas tree. Such a great name. Makes ya feel all warm and fuzzy. (dies)


 * Homer: And did you know...that little baby Jesus grew up to be...Jesus? (everyone gasps) I know, it's weird, isn't it?

I saw Grampa Cussing Santa Claus

 * Lisa (just before Grampa goes into a story): Oh, Bart, why'd you ask him a follow-up question? Bart: It just slipped out!


 * Cyrus: Now lets win this war quick, Abe, so we can go home and slowly give black folks some more rights.


 * Cyrus: Kamikazes at two o'clock! Young Grampa: (looking at his watch) Well, I don't usually drink after lunch, but... (looks up) Oh my God, the sky is full of that kind of plane that crashes into the boat!


 * Grampa: Cyrus, you be careful up there. Cyrus: I'm not worried. Not as long as I have my good luck charm. (holds out his charm, a pocketwatch that plays music. It is then smashed by machine gun fire. Cyrus gets another watch out.) Good thing I stole two of these off dead soldiers.


 * Grampa (voice-over): Days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. Months turned back to days.


 * Young Grampa: What in the name of the Tennessee Valley Authority!


 * Young Grampa: Is it one of ours? Burns: Who cares, it's Christmas. I wanna shoot something!


 * Santa: Donder! Blitzen! Burns (gets out a pistol): He's German. That's good eatin'. (aims his gun) Young Grampa (pushes down the gun): You moron! That ain't no kraut! We just shot down Santie Claus!


 * Santa: Sorry boys. I must have hit some bad weather. Burns (sarcastically): Sure, everything bad happens to you!


 * Santa: My sleigh! It's ruined! Grandpa: Don't worry. We'll help you get it up and running, or my name ain't Young Grandpa Simpson.


 * Santa: Thanks for your help, Abe. And now I'm off. I'll be back in a few days to take you ho-ho-home! (flies off) Young Grampa: Well, that's the craziest thing I'll ever see. (sees an atomic bomb explode in the distance) Wooh, except for that!


 * Grampa: I waited and waited, but Santa never returned. If I hadn't invented a jet ski made out of coconuts, I would never have gotten off that island. And when I did, the war was over and the nurses were all kissed out.


 * Santa: If you like, I can take you to see your brother now. Grampa: Will we be back in time for the Tournament of Roses Parade? Santa: Probably not. Grampa: Good, I hate that crap. Santa: Yeah, me too.


 * Cyrus: Sorry I never called, Abe. I've been too busy with my fifteen native wives. (Cyrus' fifteen wives walk over and start giggling) Grampa: Fifteen? Boy, that sounds like a lot of sex! Cyrus: I said wives, not girlfriends.

The Nutcracker...Sweet

 * Springfield Elementary School sign: The Nutcracker "Perhaps the worst version ever" - Superintendent Chalmers No leaving after your kid's part is done


 * Homer: Oh my God, it's over! We're free! Mr. Largo: It's not over. It's just intermisson. Homer: I said we're free! (the parents quickly left) Mr. Largo: We're still doing Act Two. I'll be the audience. (they started Act Two) Boo! This is terrible!


 * Krusty (in old episode): It's the most wonderful time of the year... (gets hit in the crotch several times by snowballs) Take some snowballs to the groin, she said! It'll be funny, she said! (his special guests, John Glenn and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. laugh)


 * (at Christmas Eve, Moe tries to kill himself with a pistol to his head. Instead, a pole goes through his head and a flag comes down with "And to all a good night" written on it) Moe: What's it say?


 * Moe: Hey, Barn, as a special gift to me this year, will you kill me? Barney: But I already got you a wool hat. (hold up a hat with "Moe" on the front) Moe: (puts on hat) (happily) Maybe next year, huh?


 * Moe: Eighteen wheels, and they all miss me!

Songs from "The Nutcracker...Sweet"

 * (tune of the Nutcracker) Marge: I've still gotta bake my Christmas pie Bart: I've gotta Dad get a lousy tie Cletus: Christmas crowds is what I hate Sideshow Mel: No time left to procrastinate Lenny: So move your ass Carl: And let me pass Lenny & Carl: 'Cause Christmas Eve is here Mayor Quimby: Er, why is this Santa suit so snug? Mr. Burns Grr, why should I care? It's all humbug Apu: I jacked my prices up so high, But there's no junk these saps wouldn't buy, Last year egg nog, a green hot dog Apu, Principal Skinner, Agnes Skinner, Jimbo, Kearney, Dolph, Barney: 'Cause Chirstmas Eve is here ============================ Comic Book Guy: These holiday cookies swell my fat Crazy Cat Woman: (singing in gibberish) Cat Krusty: Even though we're not Gentile, We'll get together for a while Old Jewish Man: To shoot the breeze Krusty's Father: And eat Chinese Jewish People and Chinese waiter: 'Cause Christmas Eve is here, oy! Marge: Christmas is a family day Homer: I told Grampa we'd be away Lisa: He's at the door Bart: Let's hit the floor Simpson Family (whispering): 'Cause Christmas Eve is here


 * (tune to the Russican Dance) Homer: I need a present for wife, Or I'll have no sex for life Diamond ring, a vase by Ming, Some kind of useful kitchen thing I need a store that I can break into, Or a place run by a Hindu Apu: The Christmas rush has cleaned me out, I just have jerky made of trout

Broadcasting Information
USA/Canada UK Australia
 * 1st Airdate: Sunday, December 18, 2005
 * 2nd Airdate: Sunday, February 5, 2006
 * 1st Airdate: Sunday, December 25, 2005
 * 2nd Airdate: Wednesday, December 28, 2005 (Encore Screening)
 * 3rd Airdate: Friday, December 30, 2005
 * 4th Airdate: Saturday, June 24, 2006
 * 5th Airdate: Friday, August 11, 2006
 * 1st Airdate: Tuesday, June 6, 2006