Bart the Lover/Quotes

''A depressed Edna Krabappel has ended her work day at Springfield Elementary and is doing errands. She first sees a car mechanic to see why her car is acting up. Mechanic tastes a substance from her gas tank.''

Mechanic: Just as I thought, sugar! Your ex-husband has struck again.

Mrs. Krabappel buys goods at Kwik-E-Mart.

Apu: Would you like anything else?

Edna Krabappel: One Scratch & Win, Apu.

Edna Krabappel scratches off lottery ticket at counter.

Apu: So will you remain in teaching?

Edna scratches off ticket to reveal a losing combination of a lemon, a prune, and a cherry.

Edna Krabappel: At least until tomorrow.

Auditorium

Twirl King Salesman: A yo-yo. Pretty boring. Not much competition for a video game. Or is it?

''Several performers appear on stage. One handles six yo-yos at once.''

Presenting, Mr. Amazing!

Another performer comes out of a jar and shoot a yo-yo out of his mouth.

Cobra!

Another performer makes a yo-yo move upwards.

Zero Gravity!

A female performer has her body adorned with yo-yos.

And Sparkles!

Light show is on as performers do tricks while "Aquarius" by the Fifth Dimension is playing.

Nelson: Those guys can put on a show.

Jimbo: They must get all sorts of girls!

Janey: That Sparkles can do neat tricks.

Lisa: I know. She is beautiful.

Miss Hoover: I have my doubts about the educational merits of this performance.

Edna Krapappel: Heck, it will be one of their fondest memories when they are pumping gas for a living.

Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?

Todd: Hell no.

Flanders family gasps

Maude: What did you say?

Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.

Ned: Alright, that is it young man. No Bible stories for you tonight.

Todd runs to his room crying.

Maude: Weren't you a little hard on him?

Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Jimmy: "Hey, what gives?"

Jimmy's Dad: "You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc Jimmy. Well now your car has no battery."

Jimmy: "But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by 6:00. I better give her a call."

Jimmy's Dad: "Sorry Jimmy. Without zinc for the rotary mechanism, there are no telephones."

Jimmy: "Dear God! What have I done?"

(Jimmy pulls out a gun and points it to his head and fires)

Jimmy's Dad: "Think again Jimmy. You see the firing pin in your gun was made out of…yep…zinc."

Jimmy: "Come back zinc, Come Back!!"

Bart is watching an old-time black & white movie to get inspriration for his love letters.

Frenchman: A million poets working for a thousand years could not succeed at describing even ⅜ of your beauty.

Bart: Whoa! Slow down Frenchy, this stuff is gold!

Woodrow: "Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit."

Ned: "I'm talking about your potty-mouth."

Homer: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Ned: That is it. Your swearing is having a negative influence on my son.

Homer: Oh yeah? The nerve to think you can impose your ways on me! Well, I do not like...your mustache!

Ned: OK, fair is fair. Tell you what. If you get rid of the potty mouth then I will get rid of the soup-strainer. It is a deal!

Homer: Stupid Flanders, telling me I should not swear!

Marge: You know Homer, you have let a lot of colorful idioms fly loose, and I am worried it will be a bad influence on the kids.

Homer: Well, what am I supposed to do about it?

Marge: You could try one thing my parents did. When my father got out of the Navy he cussed a blue streak. So my mother set it up that every time he swore he had to deposit 25¢ into a swear jar. That broke his swearing!

Homer: "Damn crappy nails! Superglue my butt!"

Mrs. Krabappel [after the bell rings and the kids leave]: If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay. We can talk about anything. I'll do your homework for ya?

Ned [about Todd]: Is this all he watches?

Maude: Well, he used to watch Davey and Goliath, but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.

Groundskeeper Willy: Don't you worry about your wee fish, lass. They're goin' to a better place. (flushes them down the toilet)

Mrs. Krabappel [reading] After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out of food and water. [Nelson raises his hand] Yes, Nelson.

Nelson: Did they have any have yo-yo's?

Mrs. Krabappel: No, they did not have yo-yo's. [continues reading] When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the friendly Wampanog Indians.

Milhouse: [raises his hand] Did the Indians have yo-yo's?

Mrs. Krabappel: No, they did not have yo-yo's! [slams book closed] That's it! [slams book onto her desk] I am getting sick and tired of talking about yo-yo's. From now on, I will not accept any book reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yo's or yo-yo-related topics. Am I making myself clear?

Bart: Yo!

Bart: Gross, he's picking his nose!

"Woodrow": Dearest Edna, I must leave you. Why, I cannot say. Where, you cannot know. How I will get there, I haven't decided yet. But one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna. And so let us part with a love that will echo through the ages. ---Woodrow

Marge: I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50.

Homer: [sigh] Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers.

Marge: I am not!

Homer: Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse commercials on TV.

Ned: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.

Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it, asparagus?

Ned: No, Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word!

Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and…direct them to the Bible.

Ned: Where in the Bible?

Rev. Lovejoy: Uh…Page 900.

Ned: But Rev--

Rev. Lovejoy [hangs up; looks down at his melted dessert]: Damn Flanders.

Bart: Hey, Lis. A moment of your time.

Lisa: [stops playing her sax] Yeah?

Bart: Suppose I was writing my second letter to a girl, and I already used up my A-material. What should I say?

Lisa: [teases] Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? [puts down her sax and bats her eyelashes coyly]

Bart: Oh, please.

Lisa: Is it Sherri?

Bart: No.

Lisa: Is it Terri?

Bart: No!

Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy eyepatch?

Bart: No!

Lisa: Is it that exchange student, M!pa?

Bart: No!! It's not for me. It's... homework.

Lisa: Sure it is. Hey Bart, [teasing, makes goo-goo eyes] let's do some homework! [puckers up]

Bart: [fed up, he pushes Lisa aside]

Bart: I can't help but feel partly responsible.

Ms. Krabappel: Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry. [cries]

Homer: Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth!

Marge: No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her!

Homer: Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!

Bart: How about, ``Crocodiles bit off my face."

Marge: That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face.

Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge.

Homer: 3 simple words: I am gay.

Mrs. Krabappel: It's such a nice day today, let's have detention outside.

Bart: It's a date. [he takes her hand, and Mrs. Krabappel walk outside into the sunshine]