Funeral for a Fiend/Quotes


 * Sideshow Bob: Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on!(turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally) This time I've made no mistakes.
 * Lisa: Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."
 * Sideshow Bob: Yes, I'm sure you've studied the immortal bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover." (leaves and shuts the door)
 * Lisa: Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.
 * Sideshow Bob: (re-enters) I shall! (takes the laptop) Come on, Wikipedia. Load, you unwieldy behemoth! laptop explodes Oh, dear. Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard."
 * Lisa: It's "hoist with his own petard."
 * Sideshow Bob: Oh, get a life.


 * Sideshow Bob: Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.
 * Homer: I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!
 * Sideshow Bob: I'm Wes Doobner!
 * Homer: Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family I expect a certain level of basic--
 * Sideshow Bob: Shut up!


 * Kent Brockman: America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billie the Kid. Bonnie and Clyde. Jesus Christ.

(Krusty plays the piano and sings in mourning at Sideshow Bob's funeral.)
 * Krusty: Farewell, Sideshow Bob

Your shoes are empty and the stage is dark. Bart stole your nitroglycerin And then your heart, it barked.

And it seems to me your loyal fans Oughta buy this DVD (Holds up a Best of Sideshow Bob DVD.) Of all your best-loved sketches On The Krusty Show.

It's full of extra features And deleted scenes. Like when you fell and split your pants And we saw your "Frank and Beans."

(At Cirucit Circus.)
 * Homer: (to Bart) Now ignore all the fancy shmancy thingamajigs, boy. We're just gonna get a camera battery and go home.
 * Salesman #1: Interested in a car stereo?
 * Homer: No, thanks. Just here for a battery.
 * Salesman #2: Big special on camcorders!
 * Homer: All I want is a battery.
 * Saleswoman: Care to make love, sir?
 * Homer: Battery, battery, battery!

(At Sideshow Bob's trial.)
 * Sideshow Bob: Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.

(The entire courtroom gasps in shock.)
 * Prosecutor: (to Homer and Marge) Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.
 * Sideshow Bob: But--
 * Prosecutor: Damn!

(The family watches a commercial for a new restaurant.)
 * Wes Doobner: Howdy, folks! Are tired of family arguments over where to go for dinner?
 * Homer: Sometimes I think about gettin' on a bus and never comin' back.
 * Wes Doobner: Why not try Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts? The rib joint with somethin' for everyone!
 * Homer: Good luck with my finicky appetite!
 * Wes Doobner: We've got ribs--
 * Homer: Sold!
 * Wes Doobner: Plain noodles.

(Marge sighs.)
 * Wes Doobner: With butter.
 * Marge: Yowza!
 * Wes Doobner: Texas tofu!
 * Lisa: Yummy, yumma!
 * Wes Doobner: And the easiest place mat puzzle in the state.
 * Bart: Let me at it!

(Lisa explains how she figured out Sideshow Bob's scheme on the way to save Bart at the funeral home.)
 * Lisa: Bob planned this from the beginning.
 * Homer: Uh-huh.
 * Lisa: He wanted to be captured at the restaurant.
 * Homer: Yes.
 * Lisa: He would never get a Shakespeare quote wrong.
 * Homer: No.
 * Lisa: His mother was a Shakespearian actress.
 * Homer: Oh, yeeh!
 * Lisa: His father was a doctor.
 * Homer: A doctor, huh?
 * Lisa: So when Bob collaspsed in the courtroom...
 * Homer: I remember.
 * Lisa: ...his father could take that opportunity to inject Bob with a powerful drug that simulated death.
 * Homer: Uh-huh.
 * Lisa: It was a diabolical scheme and every member of his family played a part!
 * Homer: Are you done? 'Cause I've been circling the funeral home for 10 minutes.
 * Lisa: (Begrudgingly) Yes.