Krusty: Happy Thanksgiving from the entire Channel Six family, including Kent Brockman, who’s contractually permitted to replace himself with a cardboard cut-out. The real Kent is in a rehab clinic. We all wish him the best…again.
Krusty: Now in the spirit of the season…start shopping!! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
Marge: Christmas is a time to think of others, but today you show you only care about yourself.
Homer: That’s not true! I cared what you thought once you found out.
Nelson: Someone snuck in and took our presents! Do you think it was papa?
Mrs. Muntz: I wouldn't put it past him. He stole my gold tooth the night he left.
Nelson: He didn't leave…he went to the store, and when he comes back I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face!
Flanders: That Homer just burns my waffles! (starts tugging his moustache) Pain is the cleanser! Pain is the cleanser!
Homer: Let's just say that on this day, a million years ago, a dude was born who most of us think was magic, but others don't and that's cool. But we're probably right. Amen.
Homer: Children? Children! What day is this?
Lisa: It's Saturday, December 6th.
Homer: Thank God! There's still four more days 'til Christmas.
Todd: Daddy, are you jealous of Brother Homer?
Flanders: Maybe just a tad, Todd.
Rod: I'm jealous of girls cause they get to wear dresses.
Flanders: One problem at a time, boy!
Homer: [after burning the Christmas tree] Aw, why do things I love always burn?!
Snake: Hoa, I've been robbed! Man, so this is how it feels, I better see my shrink, and rob his ass.
Hans Moleman: That’s my last flare, somebody better come soon! [wolves approach Hans and howl] Oh thank goodness, rescue dogs. [the wolves start growling at Hans]