Comic Book Guy: Ugh, you may purchase this charming Hamburglar adventure, a child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, I made it -- despite your directions.
Skinner: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.
[Skinner runs to the kitchen, only to find his roast is burnt and gasps in horror]
Skinner: Oh, egads! My roast is ruined! But what if I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Delightfully devilish, Seymour.
[He begins to climb through the window, but Chalmers enters the kitchen. The theme song then plays]
Skinner: Superintendent! I was just, er, stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?
Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?
Skinner: Uh... ooh! That isn't smoke, it's steam! Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmmm, steamed clams!
[Once Chalmers leaves the kitchen, Skinner runs across to Krusty Burger and buys burgers to replace his burnt roast. He enters the dining room with them.]
Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for some mouthwatering hamburgers.
Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Skinner: Oh no, I said 'steamed hams'. That's what I call hamburgers.
Chalmers: You call hamburgers 'steamed hams'?
Skinner: Yes. It's a... regional dialect.
Chalmers: Uh-huh? What region?
Skinner: Er, upstate New York?
Chalmers: Really? Well I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams'.
Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression.
Chalmers: I see.
[Chalmers takes a bite out of a burger and chews it a little, while Skinner sips his drink.]
Chalmers:You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Skinner: Hohoho no! Patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe!
Chalmers: For steamed hams?
Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact they are obviously grilled.
Skinner: Y- Uh.. you know the... One thing I should... excuse me for one second.
Chalmers: Of course.
[Skinner enters and leaves the kitchen swiftly upon seeing it is now on fire]
Skinner: [yawn] Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I should be--good lord, what is happening in there?!
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Ah- Aurora Borealis!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?
Chalmers: ...May I see it?
[They exit the house as the kitchen fire grows larger.]
Agnes: Seymour! The house is on fire!!
Skinner: No, mother, it's just the Northern Lights.
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... you steam a good ham.
[As Chalmers begins heading home, Agnes screams for help, causing Chalmers to look back towards the house. Skinner gives him a thumbs up and a fake smile, causing him to keep walking away. Once Chalmers is out of sight, Skinner rushes back into the house to deal with the fire.]
Agnes: Help! HELP!
Bart: Milhouse, do you ever think about the people in those cars?
Milhouse: I try not to. It makes it harder to spit on 'em.
Radio Ad: Swing Serenade is brought to you by Gorman's Ear Guards. (shouts) GUARD YOUR EARS! (calm)- with Gorman's.
Lisa: Mom, Dad threw his beer can at the Miracle Grow guy on TV. Can I recycle it?
Marge: Why not?
Lisa: Waaah! Augh! There's gum in my hair! Mom! Someone threw gum in my hair!
Marge: Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo, that washes right out.
Lisa: No! It's somebody's gross gum!
Mr. Burns: Smithers? What's the meaning of this slacking off?
Smithers: Uh, there's a bee in my eye, sir.
Mr. Burns: And...
Smithers: Uh, I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to uh... die.
Mr. Burns: But we're running out of forward momentum!
Smithers: Um, perhaps you could pedal for just a little while, sir?
Mr. Burns: Quite impossible. I could try to bat him off if you like.
Smithers: Uh, really that's no--(Burns swats at the bee) Aaaaaaaaaugh!
Smithers [after collapsing from the bee sting]: Help me!
Dr. Nick: Holy smokes! You need booze!
[At the Medical Review Board]
Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!
Review Board: (deadpan) Hi, Dr. Nick.
Head Review Board Member: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has receive a few complaints against you. Among the 160 grievous charges, the most troubling are: Performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.
Dr. Nick: But I clean them with my napkin!
Head Review Board Member: Misuse of the cadavers.
Dr. Nick: I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.
Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody! Now, tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble.
Grampa: I'm itchy! I've got ants in my pants! I'm discombobulated! Give me a calmative!
Dr. Nick: Slow down, sir! You're going to give yourself skin failure!
Dr. Nick: All right! Free nose jobs for everybody. Ugh, you first! (points to Jasper)
Jasper: Give me a "Van Heflin".
Moe: Barney, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Yeah, we all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today. You owe me $70 billion.
Moe: No, wait wait wait, that's for the Voyager spacecraft. Your tab's $14 billion dollars.
Barney: Uh, all's I got is 2,000 bucks.
Moe: Well, that's halfway there.
(Skinner & the Superintendent Theme)
Singers: Skinner with his crazy explanations.
The superintendent's gonna need his medication.
When he hears Skinners lame exaggerations.
There'll be trouble in town tonight!
Superintendent Chalmers: (Yelling) Seymour!
Lou: Y'know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.
Chief Wiggum: The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonald's restaurant. I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Hmm. Must have sprung up overnight.
Lou: You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.
Chief Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Get out… well what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: A Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well I can picture the cheese, but… uh. Do they have Krusty Partially Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum Based Beverages?
Lou: Mmm hmm, they call 'em Shakes.
Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.
Rev. Lovejoy [as he walks his dog]: C'mon boy, this is the spot, right here. That's a good boy, do your dirty sinful business.
Ned: Well, howdy, Reverend Lovejoy. Nice to see you there ... on my lawn ... with your dog.
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, ooh, bad dog! Look at that, right on Ned's lawn. Now how could you do such a thing? [quietly to the dog] Good boy, don't stop now. Bad dog, I condemn you to Hell.
Ned: Better get the old snow shovel back from Homer, eh? [leaves]
Rev. Lovejoy: [to dog] Good boy, don't stop the music.
Ned: [notes Marge squeezing a grapefruit on Lisa's head to get the gum out of her hair] Marge Simpson! Still making juice the old-fashioned way?
Lisa: No, I've got gum in my hair.
Marge: Oh, we've tried everything: olive oil, lemon juice, tartar sauce, chocolate syrup, gravy, bacon fat, hummus and baba ganoush.
Lisa: My scalp hurts from horsefly bites.
Ned: Why don't you freeze it with an ice cube, and hit it with a hammer? Works for me when I get bubbly-gum in the old push-broom.
"The Slack-Jawed Yokel" song
Singers: Some folk'll never eat a skunk,
But then again, some folk'll...
Like Cletus, the Slack-Jawed Yokel!!!
Most folk'll never lose a toe,
But then again, some folk'll..
Like Cletus, the Slack-Jawed Yokel!!!
Cletus: [holds up a pair of dirty boots] Hey, Brandine. You might could wear these to your job interview.
Brandine: And scuff up the topless dancin' runway? Naw, you best bring 'em back where from ya got 'em.
Cletus: Okay. [to boots, on a telephone pole] Back you go, to wait for a woman o' less discriminatin' taste.
Cletus: [on top of a telephone pole] Hey, you know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here. [yells] Hey, maw! Get off the dang roof!
Kirk: Uuuh, can my son use your bathroom?
Milhouse: You've gotta say yeeeesss!
Herman: Okay, but be quick. And come back.
Kirk: Uuuh, so uh, n-nice store. Uuuh. When I was a kid this used to be a pet store. Ahah. Yeah. Right over there against that wall was the cutest little..
Herman: [loads gun] Get in the corner!
Milhouse: [walks in twirling a mace, hits Herman] Hey dad, can we get this? Please?
Very Tall Man: (lifts Nelson out of the sewer by his head after Nelson makes fun of him) Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile?
Very Tall Man: Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall. (turns Nelson to face the car) This was the largest auto that I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun?
Nelson: I guess so.
Very Tall Man: Ugh! Would you like it if I laughed at YOUR misfortune? Huh?! Maybe we should find out! (sets Nelson down and lowers Nelson's shorts) Now, MARCH!
[The tall guy forces Nelson to march down Main Street with his pants down; he drives slowly behind him]
Very Tall Man: Hey, everybody! Look at this, it's that boy who laughs at everyone. Let's laugh at him!
Very Tall Man: (everyone laughing in the background) Wave to the people! (Nelson waves) Blow them kisses! (Nelson blows kisses)
Milhouse: Everybody in town's got their story to tell.
Bart: There's just not enough time to hear them all.
Professor Frink: Ah, ah, uh, sorry I'm late, there was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head [end credits start] uh, no wait, please no, please I have a funny story! I even wrote theme music! Professor Frink, Professor Frink. He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think. He likes to run and then the thing with the... um, person..... Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay.