Transcript for A Fish Called Selma.
Part 1: TV Time[]
(The episode starts with the TV displaying MOVIE FOR A RAINED-OUT BALLGAME PRESENTS.)
ANNOUNCER: "Movie For A Rained-Out Ballgame" now returns to (Shows the Simpsons watching the TV) Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure and the Muppets in the 1977 film... (Go back to the TV as it now displays THE MUPPETS GO MEDIEVAL. It then shows Troy McClure, dressed as a knight, talking to Miss Piggy, dressed as a princess and on a tower.)
TROY: O Princess fair, wilst thou grant me thine dainty hoof in marriage?
PIGGY: O Sir Lies-A-Lot, I will! (They start to make out.)
(Kermit comes out of a curtain. He is also dressed as a knight, he also has a sword.)
KERMIT: Unhand the swine, you swain! Come, piggy. Back to Hamelot.
PIGGY: Not now, frog. Me and Iron Pants are just getting acquainted.
(Troy then puts Piggy back on the tower and takes out his sword he and Kermit then begin to sword fight. Goes to Lisa and Bart looking bored.)
LISA: Dad, what's a Muppet?
HOMER: Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet, but, man... So, to answer your question, I don't know.
BART: (Talking about Troy) Why'd they make that one Muppet out of leather?
MARGE: That's not a leather Muppet. That's Troy McClure. Oh, back in the '70s, he was quite the teen heartthrob.
HOMER: Yeah. Who'd have thought he'd turn out to be such a weirdo?
MARGE: What are you talking about?
HOMER: (Whispering to Marge) You know-- his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard...
MARGE: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that type of thing with fish. Troy McClure's a perfect gentleman like Bing Crosby or J.F.K. I wonder where Troy is now?
Part 2: The Troy McClure Chase/The DMV[]
(Troy is driving very riskily going from lane to lane. A bumper sticker of his says FOLLOW ME TO SPRINGFEILD AQUARIUM. He keeps on banging into parked cars.)
TROY: Hey, these guys are all over the road.
(A police car starts to tail him and a dog runs in front of his car, luckily it is not hit. He stops and the cop car catches up to him. Clancy Wiggum then gets out of the cop car and walks over to the car he was tailing.)
CLANCY: All right, Captain Rush-Rush. Out of the car. (The car is a DeLorean and so hits Clancy upside the head.) Ow! Oh, I'm seeing stars here.
TROY: No, just one. Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as "The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed" and "They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall".
CLANCY: Uh... 'fraid not. License, please.
(Troy gives Clancy a card upset.)
CLANCY: Says here you need corrective lenses. Put those glasses on, mister.
TROY: You wouldn't ask a handsome man like me to wear glasses. It'd be a crime against nature. (He groans and then pulls glasses out of his pocket he looks like a bit of a nerd.)
CLANCY: Gaa! Well, they do kind of make you look like a nerd. Tell you what, just go down to the D.M.V. tomorrow and try to pass that eye test. (Troy smiles and then takes off his glasses.) I'll tear up this ticket but I'm still going to have to ask you for a bribe. (Troy frowns again and gets something out of his wallet.)
(Cut to Abe at the DMV whilst Patty and Selma are on shift.)
ABE: Hello, Marge. Hello, Marge.