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Homer the Moe
A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love
The Blunder Years
Mr. Burns: (to Gloria) I'm going to make such love to you that you'll forget all about Rudolph Valentino.

Mr. Burns: (to Gloria) You can lift my wiper any day.

Fortune Cookie Writer: I once wrote "Let your frown be your umbrella." They changed it to smile. A frown is a much better umbrella than a smile!

Homer: Mmm... pistol whip.

Kent Brockman: (to Gloria) I know you've been through a lot, ma'am, but we need you to stand in front of the burning house and say, "Channel 6 is hot, hot, hot!"

[When Kent Brockman interviews Mr. Burns]
Mr. Burns: I don't understand. She was my young, sexy fiancée; he was my sexually virile best friend; and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa. How could this have ever happened?
Kent Brockman: Well, according to our audience insta-poll, 46% say "You're too old," and 37% say "She's a skank!"

Mr. Burns: [to Homer] Where did you get that pie?
Homer: Windowsill.

Lisa: I love Chinatown, but I wish they'd stop picking on Tibet Town.

Gloria: [to Mr. Burns] Yeah, like what's fun for a 104 year old?
Mr. Burns: Oh, I enjoy all the popular youth trends. Like, uh, [sees some bumper cars] piloting motor coaches and, uh, [sees someone using a pooper-scooper collecting dog waste.]

Lisa: [to the waiter] Uh, how is the Feast of 12 Delights with Triple Happiness Sauce?
Waiter: Very disappointing.
Lisa: Then, I'll have the Sweet and Sour Rice.
Waiter: Oh, very good. Would you like that with the fragrant bee bellies or the cat noses.
Lisa: Neither, thank you.
Waiter: Is there any way we could enhance your dining experience here by hurting an animal?
Lisa: No!

Mr. Burns: Now step aside. I'll save Gloria myself!
Chief Wiggum: You? Uh, no offense, but you're a decrepit monkey skeleton.
Mr. Burns: Perhaps, but this monkey skeleton is in love!

Homer: These fortunes are terrible. They're supposed to predict stuff and ease you through times of doubt and sickness.
Restaurant Manager: Well, with all due respect, sir, I suppose you could come up with better fortunes?
Homer: You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial.
Restaurant Manager: That's not bad!

[When Mr. Burns gets a fortune cookie]
Mr. Burns: This cookie feels heavy as if there's some paper inside. [tries to break the cookie and a snap is heard]
Smithers: Nice job, sir!
Mr. Burns: That was my thumb!

Mr. Burns: [reads fortune] "You will find true love on Flag Day." Why it's Flag Day today. (gasps) True love at last!
Smithers: Well it's just you and me here, sir!
Mr. Burns: No time for jokes, Smithers. Come along, we're going womanizing.
Smithers: Oh, goodie.

Snake: [to Gloria] You're looking good, baby. Why did we ever break up?
Gloria: You pushed me out of a moving car!
Snake: The cops were chasing us I needed to lighten the load, and, um, protect you.

Mr. Burns: [when he's at a strip club] Great Heavens! It's one of those nude female fire stations! I'll always be second place to some kittens stuck in a tree. Let's get out of here Smithers. Smithers?
(Some dancers dance in front of Smithers and he's disgusted by their dancing)

Marge: It's about time Mr. Burns found a woman. I can't stand to see a man single.
Lisa: Some people enjoy being alone, Mom.
Marge: No, everyone should be paired up. [puts Santa’s Little Helper and Snowball II together, the salt and pepper together, and Maggie and a cactus together; Maggie knocks the cactus over] It wasn’t meant to be.

[Marge sees Homer getting dressed for Mr. Burns’ second date with Gloria]
Marge: New underpants? Homer, what are you up to?
Homer: Burns wants me to come along on his date to show him where hip young people go.
Marge: Well, don't look too hip. You don't want that girl falling for you. [giggles]
Homer: You're right. [goes through the laundry hamper and pulls out a ratty pair of old underwear] These would stop Joan Collins herself!

[When Mr. Burns is in a good mood at work]
Carl: Well, Burns looks happy today. Heh, watch me, uh, take advantage of his good mood.
Lenny: Ooh.
Carl: Uh, Mr. Burns, um, can I have a raise?
Mr. Burns: [cheerfully] Clean out your desk, you're gone.
Carl: Well, I had a good run.

[When Mr. Burns tells Homer he’s going to marry Gloria]
Homer: You're going to ask her to marry you?
Mr. Burns: Isn't it wonderful? I'm head over heels in love.
Homer: Are you sure you want to do this so fast?
Mr. Burns: Yes, my biological clock is ticking. I could be dead again soon.

Snake: [about Homer] Gloria, you'd better tell your boyfriend to be a good little hostage.
Gloria: He's not my boyfriend. Mr. Burns is. Homer just comes along on our dates and carries us to the bedroom.
Snake: You're dating that old trilobite? Gross!

[When Snake takes Homer and Gloria to a remote cabin]
Homer: Wow, who do you have to kill to get a place like this?
Snake: I think his name was Gustavson.

Snake: I swear I can change, Gloria. I'm taking classes in computer fraud.
Gloria: That's what you said about the telemarketing scam, but you didn't stick with it.
Snake: I don't like bothering people at home.

[After Mr. Burns rescues Gloria from the burning cabin]
Homer: Wow, Mr. Burns, how did you do that?
Mr. Burns: Never forget, Homer, there's no muscle stronger than the human heart.
Homer: What about the wiener? A guy on TV lifted a can of paint with his.

Gloria: [to Snake] Let me guess. Now you're going to start working him over with the brass knuckles. You are so predictable.
Homer: You know what would be surprising? A foot massage.
Snake: Shut up! [punches Homer]
Gloria: Beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me.
Snake: It used to. What if I beat him harder?
Gloria: Wow, you so don't get it.
Homer: Um, has the ship sailed on my foot-massage suggestion? [Snake punches Homer again]

[Channel 6 News is at the scene where Homer, Snake, and Gloria are in the cabin]
Kent Brockman: We're in minute 2 of this stand-off. What's the situation, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Well, we have an officer sneaking around the house, Kent, so unless they have a television in there or can hear my loud talking ...[a gunshot is heard, and Eddie runs out from behind the house, holding his arm]
Eddie: Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Chief Wiggum: Well, I guess that answers that, doesn't it?

Season 12 Season 13 Quotes Season 14
Treehouse of Horror XIIThe Parent RapHomer the MoeA Hunka Hunka Burns in LoveThe Blunder YearsShe of Little FaithBrawl in the FamilySweets and Sour MargeJaws Wired ShutHalf-Decent ProposalThe Bart Wants What it WantsThe Lastest Gun in the WestThe Old Man and the KeyTales from the Public DomainBlame it on LisaWeekend at Burnsie'sGump RoastI Am Furious (Yellow)The Sweetest ApuLittle Girl in the Big TenThe Frying GamePoppa's Got a Brand New Badge