Mr. Burns: (to Gloria) I'm going to make such love to you that you'll forget all about Rudolph Valentino.
Mr. Burns: (to Gloria) You can lift my wiper any day.
Fortune Cookie Writer: I once wrote "Let your frown be your umbrella." They changed it to smile. A frown is a much better umbrella than a smile!
Homer: Mmm... pistol whip.
Kent Brockman: (to Gloria) I know you've been through a lot, ma'am, but we need you to stand in front of the burning house and say, "Channel 6 is hot, hot, hot!"
[When Kent Brockman interviews Mr. Burns]
Mr. Burns: I don't understand. She was my young, sexy fiancée; he was my sexually virile best friend; and they just drove off in my Bugatti Sexarossa. How could this have ever happened?
Kent Brockman: Well, according to our audience insta-poll, 46% say "You're too old," and 37% say "She's a skank!"
Mr. Burns: [to Homer] Where did you get that pie?
Lisa: I love Chinatown, but I wish they'd stop picking on Tibet Town.
Gloria: [to Mr. Burns] Yeah, like what's fun for a 104 year old?
Mr. Burns: Oh, I enjoy all the popular youth trends. Like, uh, [sees some bumper cars] piloting motor coaches and, uh, [sees someone using a pooper-scooper collecting dog waste.]
Lisa: [to the waiter] Uh, how is the Feast of 12 Delights with Triple Happiness Sauce?
Waiter: Very disappointing.
Lisa: Then, I'll have the Sweet and Sour Rice.
Waiter: Oh, very good. Would you like that with the fragrant bee bellies or the cat noses.
Lisa: Neither, thank you.
Waiter: Is there any way we could enhance your dining experience here by hurting an animal?
Mr. Burns: Now step aside. I'll save Gloria myself!
Chief Wiggum: You? Uh, no offense, but you're a decrepit monkey skeleton.
Mr. Burns: Perhaps, but this monkey skeleton is in love!
Homer: These fortunes are terrible. They're supposed to predict stuff and ease you through times of doubt and sickness.
Restaurant Manager: Well, with all due respect, sir, I suppose you could come up with better fortunes?
Homer: You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial.
Restaurant Manager: That's not bad!
[When Mr. Burns gets a fortune cookie]
Mr. Burns: This cookie feels heavy as if there's some paper inside. [tries to break the cookie and a snap is heard]
Smithers: Nice job, sir!
Mr. Burns: That was my thumb!
Mr. Burns: [reads fortune] "You will find true love on Flag Day." Why it's Flag Day today. (gasps) True love at last!
Smithers: Well it's just you and me here, sir!
Mr. Burns: No time for jokes, Smithers. Come along, we're going womanizing.
Smithers: Oh, goodie.
Snake: [to Gloria] You're looking good, baby. Why did we ever break up?
Gloria: You pushed me out of a moving car!
Snake: The cops were chasing us I needed to lighten the load, and, um, protect you.
Mr. Burns: [when he's at a strip club] Great Heavens! It's one of those nude female fire stations! I'll always be second place to some kittens stuck in a tree. Let's get out of here Smithers. Smithers?
(Some dancers dance in front of Smithers and he's disgusted by their dancing)
Marge: It's about time Mr. Burns found a woman. I can't stand to see a man single.
Lisa: Some people enjoy being alone, Mom.
Marge: No, everyone should be paired up. [puts Santa’s Little Helper and Snowball II together, the salt and pepper together, and Maggie and a cactus together; Maggie knocks the cactus over] It wasn’t meant to be.
[Marge sees Homer getting dressed for Mr. Burns’ second date with Gloria]
Marge: New underpants? Homer, what are you up to?
Homer: Burns wants me to come along on his date to show him where hip young people go.
Marge: Well, don't look too hip. You don't want that girl falling for you. [giggles]
Homer: You're right. [goes through the laundry hamper and pulls out a ratty pair of old underwear] These would stop Joan Collins herself!
[When Mr. Burns is in a good mood at work]
Carl: Well, Burns looks happy today. Heh, watch me, uh, take advantage of his good mood.
Carl: Uh, Mr. Burns, um, can I have a raise?
Mr. Burns: [cheerfully] Clean out your desk, you're gone.
Carl: Well, I had a good run.
[When Mr. Burns tells Homer he’s going to marry Gloria]
Homer: You're going to ask her to marry you?
Mr. Burns: Isn't it wonderful? I'm head over heels in love.
Homer: Are you sure you want to do this so fast?
Mr. Burns: Yes, my biological clock is ticking. I could be dead again soon.
Snake: [about Homer] Gloria, you'd better tell your boyfriend to be a good little hostage.
Gloria: He's not my boyfriend. Mr. Burns is. Homer just comes along on our dates and carries us to the bedroom.
Snake: You're dating that old trilobite? Gross!
[When Snake takes Homer and Gloria to a remote cabin]
Homer: Wow, who do you have to kill to get a place like this?
Snake: I think his name was Gustavson.
Snake: I swear I can change, Gloria. I'm taking classes in computer fraud.
Gloria: That's what you said about the telemarketing scam, but you didn't stick with it.
Snake: I don't like bothering people at home.
[After Mr. Burns rescues Gloria from the burning cabin]
Homer: Wow, Mr. Burns, how did you do that?
Mr. Burns: Never forget, Homer, there's no muscle stronger than the human heart.
Homer: What about the wiener? A guy on TV lifted a can of paint with his.
Gloria: [to Snake] Let me guess. Now you're going to start working him over with the brass knuckles. You are so predictable.
Homer: You know what would be surprising? A foot massage.
Snake: Shut up! [punches Homer]
Gloria: Beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me.
Snake: It used to. What if I beat him harder?
Gloria: Wow, you so don't get it.
Homer: Um, has the ship sailed on my foot-massage suggestion? [Snake punches Homer again]
[Channel 6 News is at the scene where Homer, Snake, and Gloria are in the cabin]
Kent Brockman: We're in minute 2 of this stand-off. What's the situation, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Well, we have an officer sneaking around the house, Kent, so unless they have a television in there or can hear my loud talking ...[a gunshot is heard, and Eddie runs out from behind the house, holding his arm]
Eddie: Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Chief Wiggum: Well, I guess that answers that, doesn't it?