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{{Tab|Quo |
{{Tab|Quo |
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| − | |episode=And Maggie Makes Three |
+ | |episode=And Maggie Makes Three}} |
| − | }} |
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{{PrevNext|Quo |Homer the Great|Bart's Comet}} |
{{PrevNext|Quo |Homer the Great|Bart's Comet}} |
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| + | :''(Springfield Hospital. Marge is in labor with her third child. Homer is not bothering to hide his sarcasm)'' |
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| − | :''(Homer places Mr. Burns in a headlock and is parading him around the plant. He is playing the drums on Mr. Burns' head.)'' |
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| + | :'''[[Homer]]''': ''(sarcastic tone)'' It's wonderful, it's magical. Oh boy, here it comes. Another mouth. |
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| − | '''Lenny''': "Way to go, Homer!" |
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| + | :'''[[Dr. Hibbert|Hibbert]]''': One more push should do it. |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Homer''': Marvelous. |
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| − | '''Charlie''': "Isn't Burns going to get mad that we are not coming to his aid?" |
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| + | :''(A baby cries once, then again)'' |
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| − | |||
| − | ''' |
+ | :'''Hibbert''': Congratulations, Mr. Simpson: you have a beautiful, healthy baby. |
| + | :'''Homer''': OK. (''makes thumbs up sign'') |
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| − | |||
| + | :(''Maggie grabs the thumb with her tiny hand)'' |
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| − | '''Mr. Burns''': "I ought to be defending myself, but I am paralyzed with rage...and soothing island rhythms." |
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| + | :'''Homer''': Huh? |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''[[Marge]]''': Homey, I think someone is saying "Hello". |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Homer''': Hello. Aww, it's a boy... and what a boy! |
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| − | <hr width=50%/>''(Springfield Hospital. Marge is in labor with her third child. Homer is not bothering to hide his sarcasm)'' |
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| + | :'''Hibbert''': Er, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl. |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Homer''': A girl! Oh, Marge, we have a wonderful baby girl. Not just a girl -- the most beautiful baby girl in the whole world. |
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| − | '''[[Homer]]:''' ''(sarcastic tone)'' "Oh wow, here it comes. It is magical, it is wonderful. Another mouth." |
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| + | :'''Marge''': (''sighs'') |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Homer''': Come on, Marge, show a little enthusiasm. |
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| − | '''[[Dr. Hibbert]]:''' "One more push should do it." |
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| + | :''(They kiss; Maggie shapes her lips like a kiss, then grabs a pacifier and sucks it)'' |
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| − | |||
| − | '''Homer: '''"Marvelous." |
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| − | |||
| − | ''(A baby cries once, then again)'' |
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| − | |||
| − | '''Hibbert: "'''Congratulations, Mr. Simpson: you have a beautiful, healthy baby." |
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| − | |||
| − | '''Homer: '''"OK. "(''makes thumbs up sign'') |
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| − | |||
| − | ''Maggie grabs the thumb with her tiny hand'' |
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| − | |||
| − | '''Homer: '''Huh? |
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| − | |||
| − | [[Marge]]: Homey, I think someone is saying "Hello". |
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| − | |||
| − | '''Homer: '''"Hello. Aww, it's a boy... and what a boy!" |
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| − | |||
| − | '''Hibbert: '''"Er, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl." |
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| − | |||
| − | '''Homer: "'''A girl! Oh, Marge, we have a wonderful baby girl. Not just a girl -- the most beautiful baby girl in the whole world." |
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| − | |||
| − | '''Marge: '''(''sighs'') |
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| − | |||
| − | '''Homer: '''"Come on, Marge, show a little enthusiasm." |
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| − | |||
| − | ''(They kiss; Maggie shapes her lips like a kiss, then grabs a pacifier and sucks it)'' |
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---- |
---- |
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| − | Announcer: We now return to "Knightboat: the Crime-Solving Boat". |
+ | :'''Announcer''': We now return to "Knightboat: the Crime-Solving Boat". |
| + | :'''Michael''': Faster, Knightboat! We gotta catch those starfish poachers. |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Knightboat''': You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you. |
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| − | Michael: Faster, Knightboat! We gotta catch those starfish poachers. |
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| + | :'''Michael''': Oh, no! They're headed for land. We'll never catch them now. |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Knightboat''': Incorrect: look! A canal. |
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| − | Knightboat: You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you. |
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| + | :'''Homer''': Go, Knightboat, go! |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Bart''': Oh, every week there's a canal. |
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| − | Michael: Oh, no! They're headed for land. We'll never catch them now. |
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| + | :'''Lisa''': Or an inlet. |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Bart''': Or a fjord. |
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| − | Knightboat: Incorrect: look! A canal. |
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| + | :'''Homer''': Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat. |
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| − | |||
| − | Homer: Go, Knightboat, go! |
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| − | |||
| − | Bart: Oh, every week there's a canal. |
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| − | |||
| − | Lisa: Or an inlet. |
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| − | |||
| − | Bart: Or a fjord. |
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| − | |||
| − | Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat. |
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---- |
---- |
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| − | Marge: OK, TV off. It's family time. |
+ | :'''Marge''': OK, TV off. It's family time. |
| + | :'''Homer''': Oh, but Marge! Knightboat, the crime-solving boat. |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Marge''': Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week. Besides, that backtalking boat sets a bad example. |
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| − | Homer: Oh, but Marge! Knightboat, the crime-solving boat. |
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| + | :'''Bart''': Says you, woman. |
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| − | |||
| − | Marge: Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week. Besides, that backtalking boat sets a bad example. |
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| − | |||
| − | Bart: Says you, woman. |
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---- |
---- |
||
| − | Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell. |
+ | :'''Carl''': Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell. |
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job. |
+ | :'''Homer''': Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job. |
| + | :'''Chief Wiggum''': (driving by) Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer. |
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| − | |||
| − | + | :'''Homer''': Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work. |
|
| + | :'''Apu''': Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir! |
||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: |
+ | :'''Homer''': It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money. |
| + | :'''Moe''': Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant! Haha... |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Homer''': This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley. |
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| − | Apu: Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir! |
||
| + | :(Homer enters the house) |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Homer''': Hey, wait a second... What are all these presents? It looks like you're showering Marge with gifts... hmm... With little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub. |
||
| − | Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money. |
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| + | :'''Maude''': Oh and by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer. |
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| − | |||
| − | + | :'''Homer''': New job? Marge is pregnant!? Nooooooooo! Aahhhhhhh! |
|
| − | |||
| − | Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley. |
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| − | |||
| − | (Homer enters the house) |
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| − | |||
| − | Homer: Hey, wait a minute... What are all these presents? It looks like you're showering Marge with gifts... hmm... With little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub. |
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| − | |||
| − | Maude: By the way, congratulations on the new job, Homer. |
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| − | |||
| − | Homer: New job? Marge is pregnant!? Nooooooooo! Aahhhhhhh! |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Lisa: Why don't we all look at the photo album? |
+ | :'''Lisa''': Why don't we all look at the photo album? |
| + | :'''Homer''': So many memories. Aw, look …Knightboat. |
||
| − | |||
| + | :'''Bart''' and '''Lisa''': Aww… |
||
| − | Homer: So many memories. Aw, look …Knightboat. |
||
| + | :'''Homer''': And here's our TV next to the mirror! It looks like we have two. |
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| − | |||
| − | Bart |
+ | :'''Bart''' and '''Lisa''': Wow, two! |
| + | :'''Marge''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, two. Let's get to the baby pictures. |
||
| − | |||
| + | :'''Bart''' and '''Lisa''': Aw, Mom! |
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| − | Homer: And here's our TV next to the mirror! It looks like we have two. |
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| − | |||
| − | Bart & Lisa: Wow, two! |
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| − | |||
| − | Marge: Yeah, yeah, yeah, two. Let's get to the baby pictures. |
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| − | |||
| − | Bart & Lisa: Aw, Mom! |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Lisa: Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie? |
+ | :'''Lisa''': Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie? |
| + | :'''Homer''': Well I'm glad you asked. It's actually a very interesting story. |
||
| − | |||
| + | :(Bart and Lisa groan) |
||
| − | Homer: Well I'm glad you asked. It's actually a very interesting story. |
||
| + | :'''Homer''': It all began about two years ago before Maggie was even born… Bart, you were Lisa's age and Lisa, you were… the age Bart was several years ago. |
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| − | |||
| − | (Bart & Lisa groan) |
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| − | |||
| − | Homer: It all began about two years ago before Maggie was even born… Bart, you were Lisa's age and Lisa, you were… the age Bart was several years ago. |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Marge: [looking at the photo album] Here's Bart sleeping. Here he is dozing...here he is after a visit from the sandman. Ooh, here's nappy time, Bart! Here's a cute one: he's all tuckered out. |
+ | :'''Marge''': [looking at the photo album] Here's Bart sleeping. Here he is dozing...here he is after a visit from the sandman. Ooh, here's nappy time, Bart! Here's a cute one: he's all tuckered out. |
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Marge: So in a few months, both of you will have a brand new brother or sister. |
+ | :'''Marge''': So in a few months, both of you will have a brand new brother or sister. |
| + | :'''Bart''': Been there, done that. |
||
| − | |||
| + | :'''Lisa''': I hope it's a girl. |
||
| − | Bart: Been there, done that. |
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| + | :'''Bart''': You know nothing about genetics, Lis; it goes boy, girl, boy, girl. |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Lisa''': You're worried about telling Dad, aren't you, Mom? |
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| − | Lisa: I hope it's a girl. |
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| + | :'''Marge''': Why do you say that? |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Lisa''': Well you've been in my room for about four hours now. |
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| − | Bart: You know nothing about genetics, Lis; it goes boy, girl, boy, girl. |
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| + | :'''Marge''': Hey, I'm just hanging. |
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| − | |||
| − | Lisa: You're worried about telling Dad, aren't you, Mom? |
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| − | |||
| − | Marge: Why do you say that? |
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| − | |||
| − | Lisa: Well you've been in my room for about four hours now. |
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| − | |||
| − | Marge: Hey, I'm just hanging. |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Lisa: So, Dad, were you excited that Mom was pregnant? |
+ | :'''Lisa''': So, Dad, were you excited that Mom was pregnant? |
| + | :'''Homer''': Actually, your mother hadn't told me. At that time I had no idea Maggie even existed. |
||
| − | |||
| + | :(he goes to sit down, right where Maggie is) |
||
| − | Homer: Actually, your mother hadn't told me. At that time I had no idea Maggie even existed. |
||
| + | :'''Bart''' and '''Lisa''': Dad! (Marge grabs Maggie) |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Homer''': Hi Maggie! |
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| − | (he goes to sit down, right where Maggie is) |
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| − | |||
| − | Bart& Lisa: Dad! (Marge grabs Maggie) |
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| − | |||
| − | Homer: Hi Maggie! |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Homer: Oh, I hope I haven't upset you… bongo-head! |
+ | :'''Homer''': Oh, I hope I haven't upset you… bongo-head! |
| + | :(starts playing the bongos on Burns' head) |
||
| − | |||
| + | :'''Mr. Burns''': Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage… and island rhythms. |
||
| − | (starts playing the bongos on Burns' head) |
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| + | :(Homer drives through the plant and everyone cheers as Homer continues playing) |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Carl''': Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer! |
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| − | Mr. Burns: Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage… and island rhythms. |
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| + | :'''Lenny''': He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy. |
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| − | |||
| − | (Homer drives through the plant and everyone cheers as Homer continues playing) |
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| − | |||
| − | Carl: Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer! |
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| − | |||
| − | Lenny: He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy. |
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---- |
---- |
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| − | Lenny: But Homer, how are you going to make a living? |
+ | :'''Lenny''': But Homer, how are you going to make a living? |
| + | :'''Homer''': Don't worry about Homer J. I've got a plan. A plan that'll fix you good! |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Carl''': Hey, what did we do? |
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| − | Homer: Don't worry about Homer J. I've got a plan. A plan that'll fix you good! |
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| + | :'''Homer''': Sorry, that just slipped out. (Hugs them) I'll miss you. |
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| − | |||
| − | Carl: Hey, what did we do? |
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| − | |||
| − | Homer: Sorry, that just slipped out. (Hugs them) I'll miss you. |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Bart: You're a pin-monkey? Wow! Finally I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job. |
+ | :'''Bart''': You're a pin-monkey? Wow! Finally I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job. |
| + | :'''Lisa''': I think it's romantic, throwing off the shackles of the workaday world and following a dream...of sorts. |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Marge''': I don't know if it's such a good idea. Can we get by on a pin-monkey's salary? |
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| − | Lisa: I think it's romantic, throwing off the shackles of the workaday world and following a dream...of sorts. |
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| + | :'''Homer''': Don't worry, Marge, I've come up with a perfectly balanced budget. There will be exactly enough money for you, me, Bart, and Lisa, if we make a few small sacrifices. |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Marge''': Uh huh... |
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| − | Marge: I don't know if it's such a good idea. Can we get by on a pin-monkey's salary? |
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| + | :'''Homer''': From now on, we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind. |
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| − | |||
| + | :[Bart punches the wall] |
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| − | Homer: Don't worry, Marge, I've come up with a perfectly balanced budget. There will be exactly enough money for you, me, Bart, and |
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| + | :'''Homer''': And only one of you kids can go to college. |
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| − | Lisa, if we make a few small sacrifices. |
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| + | :'''Bart''' and '''Lisa''': Fine. |
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| − | |||
| − | Marge: Uh huh... |
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| − | |||
| − | Homer: From now on, we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind. |
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| − | |||
| − | [Bart punches the wall] |
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| − | |||
| − | Homer: And only one of you kids can go to college. |
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| − | |||
| − | Bart & Lisa: Fine. |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Homer: Marge... |
+ | :'''Homer''': Marge... |
| + | :'''Marge''': Homer... |
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| − | |||
| + | :'''Homer''': [talking sly] I've got sand in my underpants. |
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| − | Marge: Homer... |
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| + | :'''Marge''': Me too. Let's go home. |
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| − | |||
| + | :[they leave; Homer runs back quickly to scoop more sand into his pants] |
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| − | Homer: [talking sly] I've got sand in my underpants. |
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| + | :'''Homer''': I love you, Marge. |
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| − | |||
| − | Marge: |
+ | :'''Marge''': I love you too, Homey. |
| + | :'''Homer''': Everything in our lives is finally perfectly balanced. I hope things stay exactly like this forever. |
||
| − | [they leave; Homer runs back quickly to scoop more sand into his pants] |
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| + | :'''Marge''': Mm hmm. |
||
| + | :(Scene then shows lots of little Homer sperm bumping their heads into each other, saying "D'oh!"; one breaks through the egg and goes "Woo Hoo!" The scene returns to the present day, and Homer is swimming like a sperm) |
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| + | :'''Marge''': Did you have to be so graphic? |
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| + | :'''Homer''': It's OK, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school. |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Dr. Hibbert: Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson: you're pregnant. |
+ | :'''Dr. Hibbert''': Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson: you're pregnant. |
| + | :'''Marge''': Mmm... |
||
| − | |||
| + | :'''Dr. Hibbert''': Am I to take it that this is [chuckles] an unwanted pregnancy? |
||
| − | Marge: Mmm... |
||
| + | :'''Marge''': Oh, no, no, not exactly. It's just that I haven't told Homer yet, and with his new job, I don't know how we're going to be able to afford this. |
||
| − | |||
| − | Dr. Hibbert: |
+ | :'''Dr. Hibbert''': Well, you know a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000. |
| + | :'''Marge''': What?! |
||
| − | |||
| + | :'''Dr. Hibbert''': Well, of course, that was just a test. Er, had you reacted differently, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test. [laughs uncomfortably] |
||
| − | Marge: Oh, no, no, not exactly. It's just that I haven't told Homer yet, and with his new job, I don't know how we're going to be able to afford this. |
||
| − | |||
| − | Dr. Hibbert: Well, you know a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000. |
||
| − | |||
| − | Marge: What?! |
||
| − | |||
| − | Dr. Hibbert: Well, of course, that was just a test. Er, had you reacted differently, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test. |
||
| − | [laughs uncomfortably] |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Marge: Homey, I... |
+ | :'''Marge''': Homey, I... |
| + | :'''Homer''': Can't talk, praying. Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and I am thankful. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. |
||
| − | |||
| + | :'''Marge''': Mmm. |
||
| − | Homer: Can't talk, praying. Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and I am thankful. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. |
||
| + | :'''Homer''': So here's the deal: you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. [brief pause] OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign. [brief pause] Thy will be done! [mows down] |
||
| − | |||
| − | Marge: Mmm. |
||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: So here's the deal: you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. [brief pause] OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign. [brief pause] Thy will be done! [mows down] |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Bart: Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl? |
+ | :'''Bart''': Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl? |
| + | :'''Homer''': Oh, just that one time. |
||
| − | |||
| + | :'''Marge''': Actually, when I was about to have Bart... |
||
| − | Homer: Oh, just that one time. |
||
| + | :'''Homer''': [in flashback] You're pregnant?! [pulls hair, screams] |
||
| − | |||
| − | Marge: |
+ | :'''Marge''': [in the present] And then when I told him about Lisa... |
| + | :'''Homer''': [in flashback] You're pregnant again?! [pulls hair, screams, runs off] |
||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: [in flashback] You're pregnant?! [pulls hair, screams] |
||
| − | |||
| − | Marge: [in the present] And then when I told him about Lisa... |
||
| − | |||
| − | Homer: [in flashback] You're pregnant again?! [pulls hair, screams, runs off] |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | Homer: Thanks for giving me my old job back. |
+ | :'''Homer''': Thanks for giving me my old job back. |
| + | :'''Mr. Burns''': I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague. |
||
| − | |||
| + | :'''Smithers''': Uh, sir, that's the plaque. |
||
| − | Mr. Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague. |
||
| + | :'''Mr. Burns''': Ah yes, the special demotivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. Because, you see, you're here forever. |
||
| − | |||
| + | :''Smithers affixed a plaque to the wall of Homer's workstation'' |
||
| − | Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the plaque. |
||
| + | :'''Plaque''': DON'T FORGET, YOU'RE HERE FOREVER |
||
| − | |||
| − | + | :'''Burns''': Don't forget: you're here forever! |
|
| − | |||
| − | ''Smithers affixed a plaque to the wall of Homer's workstation'' |
||
| − | |||
| − | Plaque: DON'T FORGET, YOU'RE HERE FOREVER |
||
| − | |||
| − | Burns: Don't forget: you're here forever! |
||
---- |
---- |
||
| − | ''Last lines of episode'' |
+ | :''Last lines of episode'' |
| + | :'''Lisa''': Anyway Dad, to get back to our first question, where are the pictures of Maggie? |
||
| + | :'''Homer''': Where they are most needed. |
||
| + | :''Cut to SNPP. Homer's unoccupied workstation is decorated with pictures of Maggie, and several have covered Burns' "demotivational plaque", making it a new plaque for Homer.'' |
||
| + | :'''Plaque''': DO IT FOR HER |
||
| + | {{Season|6|Quo}} |
||
| − | '''Lisa''': Anyway Dad, to get back to our first question, where are the pictures of Maggie? |
||
| − | |||
| − | '''Homer''': Where they are most needed. |
||
| − | |||
| − | ''Cut to SNPP. Homer's unoccupied workstation is decorated with pictures of Maggie, and several have covered Burns' "demotivational plaque", making it a new plaque for Homer.'' |
||
| − | |||
| − | '''Plaque''': DO IT FOR HER |
||
| − | ---- |
||
| − | :{{Season|6|Quo}} |
||
| − | [[Category:Season 6]] |
||
Revision as of 00:22, 23 February 2019
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And Maggie Makes Three |
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- (Springfield Hospital. Marge is in labor with her third child. Homer is not bothering to hide his sarcasm)
- Homer: (sarcastic tone) It's wonderful, it's magical. Oh boy, here it comes. Another mouth.
- Hibbert: One more push should do it.
- Homer: Marvelous.
- (A baby cries once, then again)
- Hibbert: Congratulations, Mr. Simpson: you have a beautiful, healthy baby.
- Homer: OK. (makes thumbs up sign)
- (Maggie grabs the thumb with her tiny hand)
- Homer: Huh?
- Marge: Homey, I think someone is saying "Hello".
- Homer: Hello. Aww, it's a boy... and what a boy!
- Hibbert: Er, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.
- Homer: A girl! Oh, Marge, we have a wonderful baby girl. Not just a girl -- the most beautiful baby girl in the whole world.
- Marge: (sighs)
- Homer: Come on, Marge, show a little enthusiasm.
- (They kiss; Maggie shapes her lips like a kiss, then grabs a pacifier and sucks it)
- Announcer: We now return to "Knightboat: the Crime-Solving Boat".
- Michael: Faster, Knightboat! We gotta catch those starfish poachers.
- Knightboat: You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you.
- Michael: Oh, no! They're headed for land. We'll never catch them now.
- Knightboat: Incorrect: look! A canal.
- Homer: Go, Knightboat, go!
- Bart: Oh, every week there's a canal.
- Lisa: Or an inlet.
- Bart: Or a fjord.
- Homer: Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat.
- Marge: OK, TV off. It's family time.
- Homer: Oh, but Marge! Knightboat, the crime-solving boat.
- Marge: Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week. Besides, that backtalking boat sets a bad example.
- Bart: Says you, woman.
- Carl: Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.
- Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
- Chief Wiggum: (driving by) Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
- Homer: Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.
- Apu: Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir!
- Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
- Moe: Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant! Haha...
- Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.
- (Homer enters the house)
- Homer: Hey, wait a second... What are all these presents? It looks like you're showering Marge with gifts... hmm... With little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub.
- Maude: Oh and by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
- Homer: New job? Marge is pregnant!? Nooooooooo! Aahhhhhhh!
- Lisa: Why don't we all look at the photo album?
- Homer: So many memories. Aw, look …Knightboat.
- Bart and Lisa: Aww…
- Homer: And here's our TV next to the mirror! It looks like we have two.
- Bart and Lisa: Wow, two!
- Marge: Yeah, yeah, yeah, two. Let's get to the baby pictures.
- Bart and Lisa: Aw, Mom!
- Lisa: Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie?
- Homer: Well I'm glad you asked. It's actually a very interesting story.
- (Bart and Lisa groan)
- Homer: It all began about two years ago before Maggie was even born… Bart, you were Lisa's age and Lisa, you were… the age Bart was several years ago.
- Marge: [looking at the photo album] Here's Bart sleeping. Here he is dozing...here he is after a visit from the sandman. Ooh, here's nappy time, Bart! Here's a cute one: he's all tuckered out.
- Marge: So in a few months, both of you will have a brand new brother or sister.
- Bart: Been there, done that.
- Lisa: I hope it's a girl.
- Bart: You know nothing about genetics, Lis; it goes boy, girl, boy, girl.
- Lisa: You're worried about telling Dad, aren't you, Mom?
- Marge: Why do you say that?
- Lisa: Well you've been in my room for about four hours now.
- Marge: Hey, I'm just hanging.
- Lisa: So, Dad, were you excited that Mom was pregnant?
- Homer: Actually, your mother hadn't told me. At that time I had no idea Maggie even existed.
- (he goes to sit down, right where Maggie is)
- Bart and Lisa: Dad! (Marge grabs Maggie)
- Homer: Hi Maggie!
- Homer: Oh, I hope I haven't upset you… bongo-head!
- (starts playing the bongos on Burns' head)
- Mr. Burns: Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage… and island rhythms.
- (Homer drives through the plant and everyone cheers as Homer continues playing)
- Carl: Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer!
- Lenny: He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.
- Lenny: But Homer, how are you going to make a living?
- Homer: Don't worry about Homer J. I've got a plan. A plan that'll fix you good!
- Carl: Hey, what did we do?
- Homer: Sorry, that just slipped out. (Hugs them) I'll miss you.
- Bart: You're a pin-monkey? Wow! Finally I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job.
- Lisa: I think it's romantic, throwing off the shackles of the workaday world and following a dream...of sorts.
- Marge: I don't know if it's such a good idea. Can we get by on a pin-monkey's salary?
- Homer: Don't worry, Marge, I've come up with a perfectly balanced budget. There will be exactly enough money for you, me, Bart, and Lisa, if we make a few small sacrifices.
- Marge: Uh huh...
- Homer: From now on, we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind.
- [Bart punches the wall]
- Homer: And only one of you kids can go to college.
- Bart and Lisa: Fine.
- Homer: Marge...
- Marge: Homer...
- Homer: [talking sly] I've got sand in my underpants.
- Marge: Me too. Let's go home.
- [they leave; Homer runs back quickly to scoop more sand into his pants]
- Homer: I love you, Marge.
- Marge: I love you too, Homey.
- Homer: Everything in our lives is finally perfectly balanced. I hope things stay exactly like this forever.
- Marge: Mm hmm.
- (Scene then shows lots of little Homer sperm bumping their heads into each other, saying "D'oh!"; one breaks through the egg and goes "Woo Hoo!" The scene returns to the present day, and Homer is swimming like a sperm)
- Marge: Did you have to be so graphic?
- Homer: It's OK, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.
- Dr. Hibbert: Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson: you're pregnant.
- Marge: Mmm...
- Dr. Hibbert: Am I to take it that this is [chuckles] an unwanted pregnancy?
- Marge: Oh, no, no, not exactly. It's just that I haven't told Homer yet, and with his new job, I don't know how we're going to be able to afford this.
- Dr. Hibbert: Well, you know a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000.
- Marge: What?!
- Dr. Hibbert: Well, of course, that was just a test. Er, had you reacted differently, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test. [laughs uncomfortably]
- Marge: Homey, I...
- Homer: Can't talk, praying. Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and I am thankful. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is.
- Marge: Mmm.
- Homer: So here's the deal: you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. [brief pause] OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign. [brief pause] Thy will be done! [mows down]
- Bart: Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?
- Homer: Oh, just that one time.
- Marge: Actually, when I was about to have Bart...
- Homer: [in flashback] You're pregnant?! [pulls hair, screams]
- Marge: [in the present] And then when I told him about Lisa...
- Homer: [in flashback] You're pregnant again?! [pulls hair, screams, runs off]
- Homer: Thanks for giving me my old job back.
- Mr. Burns: I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.
- Smithers: Uh, sir, that's the plaque.
- Mr. Burns: Ah yes, the special demotivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. Because, you see, you're here forever.
- Smithers affixed a plaque to the wall of Homer's workstation
- Plaque: DON'T FORGET, YOU'RE HERE FOREVER
- Burns: Don't forget: you're here forever!
- Last lines of episode
- Lisa: Anyway Dad, to get back to our first question, where are the pictures of Maggie?
- Homer: Where they are most needed.
- Cut to SNPP. Homer's unoccupied workstation is decorated with pictures of Maggie, and several have covered Burns' "demotivational plaque", making it a new plaque for Homer.
- Plaque: DO IT FOR HER