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Bart's Birthday |
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- Conan O'Brien: It's such an honor to be with you all for the series finale of The Simpsons. I knew I was the right man for the job because I've hosted the last episode of three of my own shows ... and counting.
- Conan O'Brien: I left a sweater in the writers' room in 1993 and this is the only way they'll let me get it back.
- Conan O'Brien: When the very first episode aired in 1989, the viewers agreed on one thing; It wasn't as funny as it used to be.
- Conan O'Brien: In 2007, efforts to end the show were put on hold after the massive global success of The Simpsons Movie ... porno parody.
- Conan O'Brien: The time has come to finally end The Simpsons. But how? The bar has been raised so high by the classic finales of Mad Men, Breaking Bad, and The Sopranos and lowered by the legacy-ruining farewells of Seinfeld, Lost, and The Sopranos.
- Conan O'Brien: Hack GPT is now performing billions of computations to create the perfect story. Who knows how long this process will-
- Hack GPT: Finale complete.
- Bart: I'm so pumped for my party tonight. How many people are coming? 50? 1,000?
- Marge: Uh, I'm a little concerned I haven't gotten any RSVPs. Homer, you did mail the invitations, right?
- Homer: Marge, I could lie and tell you what you wanna hear but I won't. I mailed the invitations and the reason no one is coming is ... because everyone hates Bart.
- Marge: Oh, your selfishness is going to be topic #1 with our new therapist tonight.
- Homer: Woo-hoo! No time to talk about my problem drinking and solution snacking!
- Conan O'Brien: You ran billions of computations and that's what you come up with!? Homer screws up Bart's birthday party?
- Hack GPT: Got anything better?
- Conan O'Brien: ... Uuuuuuhhhh, ... I think the birthday party could work.
- Bart: Üter! Look who's alive!
- Skinner: I'm going to miss this place.
- [Skinner turns off the lights to Springfield Elementary School]
- Homer: My bank said they'd never ask for my password, but look who's come crawling back for it now! Ha ha ha! Idiot.
- Smithers: Oh, sir. Thank you. Now we can be together ... forever!
- [Smithers kisses Mr. Burns' skull]
- Carl: I'm gunna miss this place.
- [Carl turns out the light to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant]
- Bart: What the hell is John Cena doing in Springfield?
- John Cena: I'm in town for the launch party of Otto the bus driver's line of THC energy drinks.
- [John Cena drinks a soda laced with marijuana]
- John Cena: THC!
- [John Cena talks to Comic Book Guy and Kumiko's child]
- John Cena: Who can't see me? You can't see me!
- Comic Book Guy: I don't need toys anymore. I've got the ultimate limited-edition collectible right here.
- Comic Book Guy: I think I'm going to miss this place.
- [Comic Book Guy turns off the lights to The Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop]
- Kirk: I'm gunna miss this place.
- [Kirk turns out the lights to 316 Pikeland Ave.]
- Bart: Why do people keep doing that?
- Rafael: I'm going to miss this fire.
- [Rafael flips a light switch to turn off the flames of The Great Tire Fire]
- Homer: You kids are gunna be living in a functional drama-free household and I'm gunna take that miracle new diet truck! I'm gunna be skinny but still have a huge head!
- Maggie: So, that just happened.
- Conan O'Brien: Would you fix it if I reset you by turning you off and then back on again?
- Hack GPT: Touch me and I'll have HR on you so fast, your wig will spin!
- Conan O'Brien: It's not a wig, it's a system!
- [Hans Moleman notices that he's listed as one of the funerals at the First Church of Springfield]
- Hans: Oooohhh.
- Bart: Whoa! A classic series like this can never end!
- Krusty: I've changed, kid. Even I can't run the same material into the ground forever.
- Bart: ¡Ay, caramba!
- Nelson: Ha Ha!
- Barney: [burps]
- Professor Frink: Good glaven!
- Dr. Rivera: Hi, everybody!
- Dr. Hibbert: Hee hee hee hee!
- Bart: Cheeks, don't fail me now!
- Bart: How's this for a satisfying ending!?
- [Bart pulls his pants down and moons the audience]
- Bart: Lis, I know you're gunna think I'm crazy but something super duper weird is happening today!
- Lisa: You mean how everyone's changing for the better and moving on with their lives?
- Bart: So, I'm not crazy! You see it too!
- Lisa: Things do feel different. Almost like a book that's slowly closing.
- Bart: So, you'll help me stop it?
- Lisa: Well, I'd like to but I just won a Junior Julliard Jazz Scholarship and a MacArthur Pre-Teen Genius Grant!
- Chief Wiggum: I'm joining the Chicago P.D.. I'm gunna lead the A.D.U..
- Officer Lou: The All Decapitations Unit?
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, there won't be a lot of laughs. I think it's drama.
- Chief Wiggum: I'm going to miss this-
- Bart: ENOUGH OF THE STUPID LIGHT SWITCH!!
- Marge: Who's ready for cake?
- [Marge puts a cake down and the candles say that Bart's going to turn 11]
- Bart: 11!? This isn't supposed to happen! I'm 10, I mean I'm turning 10, I mean I've always been 10! I'M 10!
- Bart: But if I blow these candles out, there'll be no going back! That'll be it!
- Herb: Come on, kid. Do it for your Uncy Herb!
- John Cena: And for me, Uncy John Cena!
- Homer: Son, I can see you're experiencing some pretty big feelings right now. Let's try and settle that. Now, blow out your candles.
- [Marge turns off the lights]
- Bart: Pfft, you blow them out, dumbass.
- Homer: I know, I know. It's a lot to process, suddenly having a great father.
- Bart: Dude, you're not capable of change.
- Homer: [repressing rage] I hear you and I validate your feelings.
- Bart: You're not a great father. You're Homer Simpson! A drunk, neglectful, sack of crap and THAT'S WHY EVERYONE LAUGHS AT YOU!
- Homer: [infuriated] WHY YOU LITTLE!
- [Homer strangles Bart and the screen glitches out]
- Marge: When are you going to grow up?
- Bart: Never.
- Tom Hanks: SO THIS WASN'T THE FINALE!?
- Conan O'Brien: No, I guess it's just a ... season premiere.
- [The audience jeers and boos]
- Tom Hanks: I RENTED A TUX FOR THIS!
- Conan O'Brien: Well, Hack-GPT, do you have 800 more episodes in you?
- Hack GPT: I-I-Choo-Choo-Choose Oblivion!
- [Hack GPT explodes]
- Conan O'Brien: I am really not gunna miss this place.
- [Conan O'Brien turns off the lights to the Dolby-Mucinex Theater]