(The beginning of the episode features someone riding a bike and tossing newspapers on the houses of Springfield. He then throws a newspaper and it lands on the Simpsons' welcome mat. Santa's Little Helper then whimpers, barks, and goes out the door. Homer yawns and stretches. As Homer goes to get the newspaper, Santa's Little Helper growls, and has the newspaper in his mouth. Homer tries to get it back.)
Homer: No. No! No! Bad dog! Let go! Santa's Little Helper, stop it!
While Homer reads the ripped newspaper, he sees that Santa's Little Helper is invading his breakfast.
Homer: No! Stay away! This is not for you! This is Homer food.
(Santa's Little Helper's perspective comes out. Homer is speaking Gibberish, and that Santa's Little Helper is colorblind, like other dogs. He then sees Homer's breakfast as a big bowl of breakfast belonging to the dog. Marge then goes into Lisa's room.)
Bart: No way! She's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine. Then... wait a minute. If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school. But then, Lisa stays home, so I stay home. So, Lisa goes to school.
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.
Bart: Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps!
Apu: [to Santa's Little Helper] You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation.
Dr. Hibbert: I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady.
Lisa: Oh no. I don't want to fall behind my class.
Dr. Hibbert: Ho ho ho. Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl.
Homer: [on the phone with Lisa at work] Y'ello? Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? The mumps? Ooh, the kissing disease.
Homer is on the phone with Mrs. Winfield after she complains about Santa's Little Helper in her pool
Homer: Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is not my dog! I tied my dog outside myself! I am looking at him right-- (looks into the backyard and sees the dog missing.)D'oh!
Bart: Here's your stupid homework.
(Bart hands Lisa her homework.)
Lisa: Ooh! (Shuffling through the papers.) Phonics, functions, vocabulary.. remedial reading? Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
Troy McClure: [on "I Can't Believe They Invented It" on TV] As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest!
Marge: Oh, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.
Bart: Oh, school, right, yeah, that's your answer to everything.
Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
Winthrop: The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and change color, ever so slightly.
Bart: Is my dog dead, ma'am?
Winthrop: Ah ha ha, you don't know how often I'm asked that. "Choke chain" is a misnomer. Trust me. They are always breathing.
[while Marge and Lisa are watching a soap opera on TV]
Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
Marge: Mmm. I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house.
[on the TV soap opera]
Woman: Father McGrath, I thought you were dead.
Father McGrath: [looking crazed] I was!
Shoe Store Clerk: [when Homer tries to return his damaged Assassians shoes] I'm sorry, sir, our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog.
Lisa: Look Mom, I've finished my patch. It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life. (coughs) On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school? He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty and soul. And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy. He taught me that music is a fire in your belly that comes out of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it.
(Marge, Lisa and Homer discover what Santa's Little Helper has done.)
Homer: (consoles Marge) Now, Marge, honey. Honey, honey. Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to--
(Homer sees the remains of his cookie.)
Homer: AAAAAHHH! My cookie! (Sobs hysterically) Oh, this is not happening. This is not happening!
Homer: Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting.
Bart: We never had a family meeting before.
Homer: We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.
Lisa: [pleading to keep Santa's Little Helper] This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem with something you love, is to throw it away?
Homer: (sniffling) Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner, honey. (hugs Lisa)
(Bart and Santa's Little Helper perform for Emily Winthrop at the dog obedience school.)
Bart: Now, sit! I said, sit! (Santa's Little Helper walks away) Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. (To Emily) See? He does exactly what I tell him.
(Bart tries to teach Santa's Little Helper at dog obedience school.)
Bart: See, boy? It's not so hard. Here. Roll over. Roll over! Like this. (Bart rolls over.)
Winthrop: Congratulations, sonny. You've earned a toffee. (Tosses Bart a toffee.)
Bart: Oh, thank you! (under his breath) Moldy old maid.
(Homer fields a phone call from someone interested in buying Santa's Little Helper)
Homer: Oh no, we'd never give him away. But we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. (Pause) Hear what? (Pause) Oh, sure. Come here, boy! Put that prowler down! Come here! Come on, boy! (pants into the phone like a dog.) Say it, boy. Say "I love you" for the nice man. (In a dog's voice:) I wuv you! (pulls the phone away from his mouth) Good dog! Good doggie! (puts phone back near his mouth) Isn't that amazing? See you soon! (hangs up phone) Whoo-hoo!
(Santa's Little Helper passes dog obedience school)
Winthrop: You son of a bitch! Good show!
Bart: (to Santa's Little Helper under a tree) I'm gonna miss you, boy! I thought we were going to be pals forever! But...(sniffs) we're gonna have to say goodbye, because you don't understand a single word I say! If you just knew how important it was to learn (from SLH's perspective) blah blah sit! (Santa's Little Helper obeys him)