Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
Bart's Dog Gets an F
Old Money
(The beginning of the episode features someone riding a bike and tossing newspapers on the houses of Springfield. He then throws a newspaper and it lands on the Simpsons' welcome mat. Santa's Little Helper then whimpers, barks, and goes out the door. Homer yawns and stretches. As Homer goes to get the newspaper, Santa's Little Helper growls, and has the newspaper in his mouth. Homer tries to get it back.)
Homer: No. No! No! Bad dog! Let go! Santa's Little Helper, stop it!
(Homer continues on in Gibberish.)
Homer: D'OH!
The newspaper rips. Homer looks at the ripped newspaper and then glares at Santa's Little Helper. Santa's Little Helper then goes in with a ripped portion of the newspaper still in his mouth.
Homer: Stupid dog.
While Homer reads the ripped newspaper, he sees that Santa's Little Helper is invading his breakfast.
Homer: No! Stay away! This is not for you! This is Homer food.
(Santa's Little Helper's perspective comes out. Homer is speaking Gibberish, and that Santa's Little Helper is colorblind, like other dogs. He then sees Homer's breakfast as a big bowl of breakfast belonging to the dog. Marge then goes into Lisa's room.)
Marge: Time to get up, Lisa. It's a school day.
(Lisa then groans, then turns around. Her cheeks look like she's eating something.)
Marge: Lisa, you don't look good.
Lisa: I'll make it, Mom. Just take my lunch box to my hand.
Marge: Oh, my, you're burning up, and your cheeks are so swollen. (gasps) I think you have the mumps. I'm calling Dr. Hibbert.
Homer: Marge! The dog is hungry.
Marge: Well, then feed it!
Homer: (scornfully) Yes, Master! D'OH!
(Homer realizes that Santa's Little Helper has been eating Homer's breakfast.)

Bart: No way! You can't give my dog away! I'll set fire to my hair! I'll rip up all my clothes! I'll put sugar in the gas tank!

Marge is at a typewriter
Marge: Homer, can't we wait to make this advertisement until after the dog flunks out of obedience school?
Homer: No Marge, we have to commit ourselves! Have the ad say "Kind, faithful dog for sale. Says I love you on command...in three languages"!
Marge gives her annoyed sigh at Homer's blatant attempt at false advertising

Mrs. Winthrop's office. Bart enters with a leashed Santa's Little Helper
Bart: Mrs. Winthrop, may I have a minute of your time?
Mrs. Winthrop motions for Bart to have a seat
Bart: Look, I was thinking, since you are paid whether Santa's Little Helper fails or passes, why not just pass my dog anyway?
Emily Winthrop: Oh I get it. Lick a stamp on it, thank you very much, next please!
Bart: Yup!
Winthrop: {sighing} Heavens to Murgatroyd! Bart, perhaps I cling to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe while the traditions I was weaned on are either neutered or put to sleep one by one.
Bart stares at her blankly as if she implies resignation
Winthrop: {stern tone} But my time has not yet passed! The world does not need another college graduate who does not know how to sit!
Santa's Little Helper fails to respond to the command
Winthrop: Pull the chain!
Bart: What?
Winthrop: Correct the dog!
Bart: I don't want to strangle my dog!
An intimidated Bart pulls Santa's Little Helper's leash, who yelps then collapses on the floor
Bart: I'm sorry, boy. It's not your fault you are so dumb.

Homer is with a grizzled farmer, who is testing Santa's Little Helper by grabbing underneath his legs
Homer: I do not want to give him up, but I am moving to a foreign country where dogs are forbidden.
Farmer: No problem, I can put him to good use on my farm. You know, other farmers say only mules can pull plows. Impatient people would not make a dog do it. Patient people know otherwise."

Homer: (Calls out to Marge who is upstairs) Marge, the dog is hungry!
Marge: (Yells back) Well, then, feed him!
Homer: Yes, master.

Bart: No way! She's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine. Then... wait a minute. If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school. But then, Lisa stays home, so I stay home. So, Lisa goes to school.
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

Bart: Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps!

Apu: [to Santa's Little Helper] You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation.

Dr. Hibbert: I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady.
Lisa: Oh no. I don't want to fall behind my class.
Dr. Hibbert: Ho ho ho. Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl.

Homer: [on the phone with Lisa at work] Y'ello? Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? The mumps? Ooh, the kissing disease.

Homer is on the phone with Mrs. Winfield after she complains about Santa's Little Helper in her pool
Homer: Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is not my dog! I tied my dog outside myself! I am looking at him right-- (looks into the backyard and sees the dog missing.) D'oh!

Bart: Here's your stupid homework.
(Bart hands Lisa her homework.)
Lisa: Ooh! (Shuffling through the papers.) Phonics, functions, vocabulary.. remedial reading? Oh, do your own homework, Bart!
Bart: D'oh!

(Homer walks by the Cookie Colossus store in the mall.)
Saleswoman: Aloha!
Homer: Well, aloha!
Saleswoman: Would you like a free sample? (Offers Homer some cookies on a tray.)
Homer: The price is right. (Eats a cookie.) Mmm! Ooh! "Macamademia" nuts.

(Bart notices Homer's new shoes.)
Bart: Whoa! Assassins!
Homer: Yep. Heh, heh. Read 'em and weep.
Marge: Those are very elaborate sneakers.
Bart: They better be, for 125 big ones.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: $125!
Homer: Bart! (reaches down to choke Bart.)
Bart: Aah!
Marge: Homer!
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire.
Marge: Hmmm!

Troy McClure: [on "I Can't Believe They Invented It" on TV] As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest!

Marge: Oh, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here.
Bart: Oh, school, right, yeah, that's your answer to everything.

Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
Winthrop: The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and change color, ever so slightly.
Bart: Is my dog dead, ma'am?
Winthrop: Ah ha ha, you don't know how often I'm asked that. "Choke chain" is a misnomer. Trust me. They are always breathing.

[while Marge and Lisa are watching a soap opera on TV]
Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
Marge: Mmm. I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house.

[on the TV soap opera]
Woman: Father McGrath, I thought you were dead.
Father McGrath: [looking crazed] I was!

Shoe Store Clerk: [when Homer tries to return his damaged Assassians shoes] I'm sorry, sir, our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog.

Lisa: Look Mom, I've finished my patch. It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life. (coughs) On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school? He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty and soul. And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy. He taught me that music is a fire in your belly that comes out of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it.

(Marge, Lisa and Homer discover what Santa's Little Helper has done.)
Marge: My quilt! Six generations, ruined! (Sobs)
Homer: (consoles Marge) Now, Marge, honey. Honey, honey. Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to--
(Homer sees the remains of his cookie.)
Homer: AAAAAHHH! My cookie! (Sobs hysterically) Oh, this is not happening. This is not happening!

Homer: Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting.
Bart: We never had a family meeting before.
Homer: We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.

Lisa: [pleading to keep Santa's Little Helper] This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem with something you love, is to throw it away?
Homer: (sniffling) Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner, honey. (hugs Lisa)

(Bart and Santa's Little Helper perform for Emily Winthrop at the dog obedience school.)
Bart: Now, sit! I said, sit! (Santa's Little Helper walks away) Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. (To Emily) See? He does exactly what I tell him.

(Bart tries to teach Santa's Little Helper at dog obedience school.)
Bart: See, boy? It's not so hard. Here. Roll over. Roll over! Like this. (Bart rolls over.)
Winthrop: Congratulations, sonny. You've earned a toffee. (Tosses Bart a toffee.)
Bart: Oh, thank you! (under his breath) Moldy old maid.

(Homer fields a phone call from someone interested in buying Santa's Little Helper)
Homer: Oh no, we'd never give him away. But we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. (Pause) Hear what? (Pause) Oh, sure. Come here, boy! Put that prowler down! Come here! Come on, boy! (pants into the phone like a dog.) Say it, boy. Say "I love you" for the nice man. (In a dog's voice:) I wuv you! (pulls the phone away from his mouth) Good dog! Good doggie! (puts phone back near his mouth) Isn't that amazing? See you soon! (hangs up phone) Whoo-hoo!

(Santa's Little Helper passes dog obedience school)
Winthrop: You son of a bitch! Good show!

Bart: (to Santa's Little Helper under a tree) I'm gonna miss you, boy! I thought we were going to be pals forever! But...(sniffs) we're gonna have to say goodbye, because you don't understand a single word I say! If you just knew how important it was to learn (from SLH's perspective) blah blah sit! (Santa's Little Helper obeys him)

Season 1 Season 2 Quotes Season 3
Bart Gets an "F"Simpson and DelilahTreehouse of Horror (aka "The Simpsons Halloween Special") • Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every FishDancin' HomerDead Putting SocietyBart vs. ThanksgivingBart the DaredevilItchy & Scratchy & MargeBart Gets Hit by a CarOne Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue FishThe Way We WasHomer vs. Lisa and the 8th CommandmentPrincipal CharmingOh Brother, Where Art Thou?Bart's Dog Gets an FOld MoneyBrush with GreatnessLisa's SubstituteThe War of the SimpsonsThree Men and a Comic BookBlood Feud
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