Edna Krabappel: So, why don't you stand up in front of the class and tell us about yourself. I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.
Samantha: We just moved here from Phoenix. My dad owns a home security company. He came to Springfield because of its high crime rate and lackluster police force. All my friends are back in Phoenix and this town has a weird smell that you're all probably used to...but I'm not.
Edna Krabappel: It'll take you about six weeks, dear.
Edna Krabappel: Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy target for every smooth-talking Lothario with his own car and tight jeans... I will now show a short sex-education film. Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents's wishes you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls.
Troy McClure: Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as "Lead Paint: Delicious, But Deadly" and "Here Comes the Metric System." I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner. And now, here's "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What".
Edna Krabappel: She's faking it.
Samantha: How do we know when we fall in love?
Edna Krabappel: Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone.
Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man half-apelike creature?
Edna Krabappel: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
Bart: God, shmod! I want my monkey-man!
Milhouse: Uh, that’s a nice dress.
Samantha: My dad makes me wear it, I hate it!
Milhouse: Well, I hate it too!
Otto: Everybody on! No shoving! Hee, just kidding. You can shove all you want!
Bart: Hey, what's with the skirt?
Milhouse: I've brought friends to this treehouse before.
Bart: Yeah, but never a girl. What if I want to strut around nude?
Samantha: Maybe I should go.
Bart: [to Samantha] You can read comics with us. Let's see...something for the lady. Ah, Radioactive Man vs. the Swamp Hog.
Samantha: Do you have any girl comics? Like Bonnie Craine, Girl Attorney, Punkin & Dunkin, The Twinkle Twins, or Lil' Kneesocks?
Bart: No, but my sister's got a wide selection of crappy comics.
Kent Brockman : Good evening. Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese? Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Grand Canyon two-fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind it is a very big canyon.
Marge: [in a dream about Homer's funeral] I wish they had never invented fried cheese!
Lisa: Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight without dieting or lifting a finger?
Homer: I'd say you're a lying scumbag. Why, sweetie?
Lisa: According to "Eternity Magazine", you can lose weight through subliminal learning. That's where an idea is subtly implanted in your head without you even knowing it.
Homer: Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter.
Homer: Lose weight and listen to new age music? Wow. What do you think Marge?
Marge: [loudly] Oh, Homer, I love you just the way you are.
Marge: [whispering] Lisa, what's that number?
[Marge is making an order]
Marge: Operator, I'd like to place an order for my husband.
Telephone operator: Would he like to lose weight, stop smoking, learn the state capitals, master hostage negotiations..
Marge: Hmm...hostage negotiations.
[Marge suddenly imagines Homer at the airport outside a hijacked plane. He is wearing army fatigues and yelling through a bullhorn]
Homer: Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands. What do you say to that?
[Terrorist sticks submachine gun out of plane hatch and guns down Homer. A frightened Marge returns to reality]
Marge: Better give me the weight loss tape.
Lisa: They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep. As you hear New Age music, a powerful message goes to your brain telling you to eat less.
Homer: Lose weight and listen to New Age music? Wow!
Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.
Bart: [about Milhouse and Samantha] All they do is kiss.
Marge: How cute! They don't open their mouths, do they?
Marge: How cute!
Martin [to Bart]: This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully lobbied to have the school day extended by 20 minutes!
Mr. Stankey: Samantha, you’re my little girl, and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. Just, just tell me what happened.
Samantha: Well, Milhouse and I…
Mr. Stankey: That's enough!
Milhouse: How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy!
Homer: Marge, where's that... metal... dealy... you use to... dig... food?
Lisa: Hey Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years, man will have an extra finger!
Bart: Five fingers...ooh, freak show!
Bart: Milhouse, we're living at the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you’re running. Besides, what's so great about kissing?
Milhouse: Bart, it's just not the kissing. A lot of it is waiting to kiss. You know like when you open an Eskimo Pie and you wait just a little bit for it to melt?
Bart: But she doesn’t melt.
Milhouse: Oh, yes she does.
Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.
Bart: Oh, come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when they're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
Bart: [after Samantha is sent to Saint Sebastian School, an all-girls school] Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the penguin house.
Samantha: That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian. It's run by a group of French-Canadian nuns. They're very nice, except they never let me out.
Milhouse: Bart, think I can ever find another one like her?
Bart: You're asking the wrong guy, Milhouse. They all look alike to me. Now let's go whip donuts at old people.