Groundskeeper Willie: Now the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ballgown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind you opponent with luxury. [Bart ties a set of balloon to his kilt, making it fly off with them and show his buttocks, which makes everyone gasp.] Aah, 'tis no more than what God gave me, you puritan pukes.
Bart: [hides behind a tree and laughs.] That'll hold me. At least until I get my hands on some kind of explosives.
Homer: Son, if you can look me in the eye and say you didn't take the collection money, that's all I need.
Jewish Man: [in the distance] Shlomo! Time for your violin lesson!
Bart: Uh, I should get to class.
Jessica: What's the hurry?
Bart: We could get in trouble for being late.
Jessica: Aw, you worry too much! Now come on, if you stay here a while, I'll let you hold my hand. (She and Bart do so, next to a fire alarm pull station, which Jessica uses Bart's hand to set off the alarm system.) (laughs) Teamwork! C'mon, Bart. (runs off with him)
(Kids and teachers evacuate the building in a panic as a fire truck arrives. Groundskeeper Willie pushes through the crowd.)
Groundskeeper Willie: If I don't save the wee turtles, who will? (kicks down the science lab door and runs in, seconds later, he comes out with little turtles nipping on him as he rolls around on the ground in agony) Yah! Save me from the wee turtles! They were too quick for me! Aaagh!
Bart: Why the crap do we have to go to church anyway?
Marge: You just answered your own question with that commode mouth.
Lisa: Bart, we can't just let her get away with this.
Bart: Give it up, Lis: she's a criminal mastermind. She's got 108 IQ, she reads at a fifth grade level, and... (sighs) her hair smells like red Fruit Loops.
Lisa: Yeah? Well, I eat Fruit Loops for breakfast.
Lisa: Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you.
Bart: Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in, day out for the last four years?
Lisa: No, Bart. I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the devil's cabana boy.
Sunday School Teacher: [when Bart comes into class] Bart Simpson?
Bart: Yes, ma'am. I'd like to return to your wonderful Sunday school, please.
Sunday School Teacher: [nervous] Uh, but Bart, we banned you from Sunday school. You were happy, we were happy, everybody was happy...particularly the hamster. [the hamster sees Bart and cowers]
[At the Lovejoy Residence, Bart is having dinner with the Lovejoys]
Helen Lovejoy: So Bart, how's school going? Jessica always gets Straight A's.
Bart: Well, in my family, grades aren't that important. It's what you learn that counts.
Bart: Actually, numbers don't have much use in my future career: Olympic gold-medal rocket-sled champ!
Helen Lovejoy: I didn't know the rocket sled was an Olympic event.
Bart: Well no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.
[Helen and Timothy become flabbergasted after hearing what Bart just said]
Rev. Lovejoy: Young man, explain yourself.
Bart: Sorry. I have kind of a short fuse, which some find charming. Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night I heard a rather amusing story. This character named Martin was feeling rather randy and he was heard to remark...[Reverend Lovejoy throws Bart out of their house]
Rev. Lovejoy: And don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt".
Helen Lovejoy: [plugs her ears] Make him stop, make him stop!
Bart: You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug!
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No...he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.
Lisa: I can't believe it, Bart. I'd always thought Jessica was so sweet!
Bart: She's like a Milk Dud, Lis: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.
Bart: [hears singing from the church] Jessica!
Lisa: Bart, be strong! You don't need that little hellcat.
Bart: Oh, Lis: she's already drawing me to her with her beautiful siren song. [opens the church door and sees Ned Flanders singing falsetto] [shudders] That's very disturbing.
Helen Lovejoy: I'll just take that... [sees the empty collection plate] [gasps] Everyone turn around and look at this!
Jessica: Listen, thanks for not turning me in. That was sweet.
Bart: Well, it seems like if you really care for me, you should come forward.
Jessica: Oh, don't you see? It's because I care for you that I can't come forward.
Bart: [thinks] That doesn't make any sense.
Jessica: All right, then I just don't feel like it, OK?
Bart: Jessica, you're really beautiful, but you are not very nice.
Bart: You know, with the way you're treating me, why should I protect you?
Jessica: Because, if you tell, no one will believe you. Remember I'm the sweet, perfect minister's daughter and you're just yellow trash.
Lisa: [entering Bart's treehouse] So here's where you're hiding!
Bart: Yeah. This is my only refuge from the taunts and accusations of the townspeople.
Jasper: [appearing at the window] Thief! [Bart pulls the blinds down]
Rev. Lovejoy: Now, for our offertory reading, Lisa Simpson, who we'll all be keeping an eye on.
Lisa: I know most of you have already judged my brother guilty without any proof, but doesn't the Bible teach us "Judge not lest ye be judged," Reverend?
Rev. Lovejoy: I think it may be somewhere towards the back.
Lisa: There is someone among us with a guilty conscience. After much soul searching I decided it would be wrong of me to name names, but I urge that guilty person here, under the eyes of God, to come forward to confess and save yourself from the torment of your own personal hell.
Lisa: I'm talking about the collection money thief: only you can come forward and end this injustice! (pauses to wait for Jessica to confess) Oh, what the heck, it was Jessica Lovejoy!
Rev. Lovejoy [to Jessica]: Well, young lady, I suppose we brought you home from boarding school a little prematurely.
Jessica: I was expelled, Dad! Remember the pipe bomb, the Glee Club brawl? Remember the school chapel collection plate? [Rev. Lovejoy starts singing "Bringing in the Sheaves" as Jessica talks] Exploding toilets ring a bell? Come on, Dad! Pay attention to me! We're going there.