Krusty: Well, I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act but I'm phasing it out for more dirty limericks. There once was a man named Enis...
Bart: Dad, this one gesture almost makes up for years of shaky fathering.
Troy McClure: Oh, hi. I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin", and "Get Confident, Stupid". Now I'm here to tell you about the only real path to mental health. That's right, it's the Brad Goodman...something or other.
Troy McClure: A few weeks ago, I was a washed-up actor with a drinking problem. Then Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job, and a can of fortified wine.
Homer: Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now.
Marge: I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame.
Homer: And I feel that you hear my shame.
Marge: I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance.
Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway. Get some cider.
Homer: Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.
Lisa: We know, Dad.
Homer: I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to attend a self-help seminar.
Bart: What an odd thing to say!
Bart: Otto, are you okay?
Otto: Yeah. Just pop my shoulder back in. [Bart pops Otto's shoulder] Thanks, little buddy!
Homer: [confronting the trampoline with a buzzsaw] Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline.
[Homer charges at the trampoline, screaming in rage, but the cord snaps back, not long enough, pulling him off his feet. He inadvertently tosses the buzzsaw in the air and it coils around the trampoline, along with its cord. Elsewhere, in the kitchen, the plug at the end of the cord is pulled out in the process, taking the socket and a large section of the kitchen wall with it.]
Homer: [leaning against the trampoline in resignation] All right. All right, you win for now. But someday you'll RUST! RUST I TELL YA! [He starts laughing insanely and falls to his knees, Bart approaches]
Bart: Dad. Dad! [Homer stops laughing] Do you really wanna get rid of this trampoline?
Homer: [sober] Uh-huh.
Bart: Observe, a bike lock!
[Bart locks the trampoline to a pole using the bike lock]
Bart: Now just turn around and count to three. One...two...three!
[They turn around and see Snake Jailbird cutting the chain with some kind of shears]
Bart: Uh...better make it five!
Snake: (off-screen) Alright! I got me a bed!
[In a deleted scene, Homer is looking for Brad Goodman in places]
Homer: Oh, no. I'm lost! I'm a lost dad! Brad? Brad?
[Cut to Elementary School.]
Homer: Hello? Anyone here? Hello? [sticks head in the locker] Brad? [tries going under the desk] Brad? [sticking head out the window] Brad? [tries sticking head in the toilet] Brad? [sticks head in the sink] Brad Goodman? [tries going outside in the playground] Brad Goodman? Where are you? [tries going in Krusty Burger] Brad? [sticking underneath the table] Brad? [talks to Krusty Burger janitor cleaning up the mess] Where is Brad Goodman? Have you seen him?
Homer: Closed? Aw, man! [tries going to Kwik-E-Mart instead] Brad? Where is he? Brad Goodman? [to Apu] Where is Brad?
Apu: No. I haven't seen him. The store is closed. There are no people, and nobody's here.
Homer: D'oh! All I wanted was to search for Brad! [tries going outside] Brad Goodman? [sticks head in the dumpster] Brad Goodman? Brad? [notices Brad walking on a sidewalk] Hey, you! I told you not to go outside during nighttime!
Brad: Oh, thank Lord. I was very lonely, and then, the whole store is closed.
Brad: Because, no one is there to open.
Homer: Why, you little! [strangles Brad]
Homer: Okay, the trampoline was a bad idea...but you know what? At least I'm out there trying new things! If it were up to you, all we'd ever do is work and go to church!
Marge: That's not true!
Homer: Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun!
Marge: I can name ten things! Uh...I made sloppy joes!
Homer: Pfft! That's not fun!
[Scene cuts to the next morning, with Homer and Marge in the living room with Bart and Lisa]
Marge: Kids, tell me the truth. Am I no fun? Do I just nag all the time?
[Marge smiles at Bart and Lisa, expecting them to take her side. Bart and Lisa are a little hesitant, but they ultimately agree with Homer's assessment of Marge being no fun, complete with a montage of some of the times Marge has nagged about something]
Homer: See, Marge?
Marge: I never realized people saw me that way.
Lisa: Are you mad?
Marge[obviously angry but trying to keep her cool]: No, I'm fine. I'm going to my sisters' now.
[Marge walks out her to car and drives away, almost hitting Ned Flanders with her car on the way out]
Ned: Ooh! Careful there, Marge, you almost nicked me!
Everyone: [very quickly] Be like the boy! Be like the boy!
Brad Goodman: Just the ladies!
Ladies: Be like boy! Be like boy!
Brad Goodman: Now, the seniors at the back!
Grampa, Jasper and Old Jewish Man: We like Roy! We like Roy!
Kent Brockman: A new mood is in the air in Springfield, as refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and really communicating without holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about (bleep)-ing time!
Brad Goodman: Okay, folks. Let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy. Yell it out, everybody. Go.
Goodman Tell this dummy mother exactly how you feel right now.
Skinner: I'm annoyed with you, Mother. Not just annoyed, angry. I'M A GROWN MAN NOW! AND I CAN RUN MY OWN LIFE!!! [punches, gnarls breast of dummy]
Goodman: [whispering] Shh. Calm down, calm down. Oh, moving. You can sit down now.
Skinner: [sits next to Agnes] We're still going antiquing on Saturday, right, Mother?
Kent Brockman: Springfield will have its first annual Do What You Feel Festival this Saturday whenever you feel like showing up. It'll be a welcome change from our annual Do As We Say Festival started by German settlers in 1946.
Groundskeeper Willie: - If elected mayor my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya and burn your town to cinders! [A man whispers in his ear.] I know it's on!
Mr. Burns: I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this so-called "iced cream."
Mayor Quimby: Good afternoon, and welcome to the Do What You Feel Festival. By the way, this young lady is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I'm telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing.
Smithers: Sir, in the spirit of the festival, and everything, I- I'd just like to say that [clears throat] I love you.
Mr. Burns: Hmm?
Smithers: [nervously] In those colors! [chuckles awkwardly] Oh, who am I kidding? The boathouse was the time.
Bart: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me. So why does it suck?
Lisa: It's simple, Bart. You've defined yourself as a rebel. In the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.
Bart: I see.
Lisa: Ever since that self-help guy came to town, you've lost your identity. You've fallen through the cracks of our quick-fix, one-hour photo, instant-oatmeal society.
Bart: What's the answer?
Lisa: This is your chance to develop a new and better identity. May I suggest good-natured doormat?