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Bart's Not Dead |
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- Dolph: Hey, Martin Princess. If you like that cello so much, why don't you marry it?
- Chalmers: No heckling!
- Skinner: Way to crush him, sir.
- Kearney: Hey, Skinner! If you like Chalmers so much, why don't you marry him?
- Skinner: Well, as the superintendent, he's married to all the principals.
- Chalmers: Thank you. You've made the anniversary of my wife's death even more depressing.
- Milhouse: She loves me, she loves me not. Oh, why do I always use flowers with two pedals?
- Ralph: I'm turning my back on you. [does a 360] Hi, Bart!
- Homer: You did the worst thing any boy could do. It's worse than wetting your pants, while on Santa's lap, and I've been on both sides of that one.
- Bart: Grandpa, dad says I have to take a dare.
- Grandpa: I had Homer on a dare and as horrible as that worked out, I'd do it again.
- Bart: Why did someone dare you to have Homer?
- Grandpa: It was after the war. We needed babies.
- Jimbo: So, Simpson. Word on the street is, you're looking for a dare.
- Bart: Yeah, fine. I need to get this monkey off my back.
- Kearney: Hey, how about that for a dare? Putting a monkey on his back.
- Jimbo: And after we're done, then what? We have a monkey that's our permanent responsibility.
- Dolph: Yeah, think ahead, Dingus.
- [A power plant worker sees Bart about to jump off the Springfield Dam]
- Guy: Simpson, is that your kid?
- Homer: Oh my God! I've gotta stop him!
- Lenny: I dare you not to.
- Homer: Marge, Marge. As someone who's fallen off a cliff, multiple times, the best thing we can do is teach him, how to fall off cliffs.
- Bart: It was joyful. Clouds, harps, Abe Lincoln.
- Homer: Oh my God, Marge! I think our son went to Heaven! Were there any other presidents?
- Bart: No.
- Homer: It was Heaven!
- Bart: I have a message for you, mom.
- Marge: From who?
- Bart: Jesus.
- Marge: Don't say that if it's not true!
- Homer: You have to believe him, Marge. It's a deathbed confession.
- Marge: He's not on his deathbed!
- Homer: The guy in the bed before him died! [Eats some "Get Well Soon" chocolates for the late Uncle Joe]
- Lisa: Bart, I've held my tongue, because I appreciate you not ruining my song.
- Bart: Can't ruin what already sucks. Burn.
- [Lisa makes a creepy face]
- Lisa: Oh, no. It's stuck!
- [Christian Movie Producers shows up at Bart's doorstep]
- Christian Movie Producer #1: Hello Bart, we are Christian movie producers.
- Bart: So, you give all your profits back to the church?
- [Christian Movie Producers pause in silence]
- Christian Movie Producer #1: Homer, we're the best in the business.
- Christian Movie Producer #2: Our films average 98% on Rotten Communion Wafers.
- Homer: Like most of America, I think I know the movie business.
- Homer: I want two seats to the premiere, and my wife needs a seat as well.
- [Homer and Ned lie around, doing nothing]
- Marge: What are you guys doing?
- Homer: What's it look like? We're working!
- [Marge groans and walks away]
- Ned: Maybe we should take a break.
- Homer: Good idea.
- [Homer and Ned get back to lying around, doing nothing]
- Gal Gadot: Gal Gadot, reading for Lisa.
- Ned: You've got the part!
- Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait. I know you were great in Fast and Furious, but what else have you been in?
- Gal Gadot: Uh, did you see Wonder Woman?
- Homer: Whenever I see the DC logo, I immediately fall asleep.
- Marge: Can you get me the wine that I keep in mommy's knitting basket?
- Lisa: I know where you keep it.
- [Lisa leaves and comes back with the wine]
- Lisa: There was no knitting in there.
- Homer: There's nothing the director can do on set, that's wrong.
- Bart: Dad, I'm starting to feel weird.
- Homer's Actor: I'm not your dad. I'm the actor playing him.
- Bart: You need all that padding to play Homer?
- Homer's Actor: Yes, and I'm fat to begin with.
- Homer: The scene we said is New York, is actually Downtown, Calgary, and vice versa.
- Bart: No! No! No! I'm going to Heaven!
- Bart: Save me Jesus!
- Jesus Christ: [pissed off] I've tried very hard to forgive you. It is very tough!
- Announcer Lady: And here's Marge with the actress, who played her.
- Gal Gadot: In real life, we don't get along.
- News Interviewer: Who are you worshiping?
- [Grampa watches a movie full of Bart Simpson]
- Grampa: Eh, not enough Bart.
- Homer: Don't worry, Marge. It's just a little movie. Nobody will see it.
- Lisa: Mr. Flanders just called. The movie's on pays to make $100,000,000! It crushed all the good movies that came out, this week.
- Homer: Take that Paul Thomas Anderson!
- Marge: Oh my God! Our movie's a hit, and a lie!
- Homer: Oh, all hit movies are based on lies, Marge. Did you see Argo? None of that happened, and I have strong doubts about The Incredibles.
- Kent Brockman: In what some are calling the worst scandal in the history of religion, Bart Simpson lied, when he claimed he had talked to Jesus.
- Bart: You think God will forgive me? Don't tell anyone I said that.
- Lisa: Well, if there is a God, from what I know, said God will forgive you, if you truly have remorse in your heart.
- Bart: Thanks, Lis. Don't tell anyone I asked you that. I did it cuz you're the smartest person I know. And don't tell anybody I said that!
- [Homer goes to Hindu Heaven]
- Homer: Please, send me back to Earth.
- Vishnu: Yes, yes. You can be a turtle or a pharmaceutical CEO.
- Homer: Turtle, please.