Homer: Marge, I agree with you, in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.
Homer: Heh, heh. Shazzam.
Lisa: Mr. Blackheart, are you an ivory dealer?
Mr. Blackheart: Well, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox Network. And, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.
Lisa: You're all forgetting the most important thing! Which is that it's wrong to imprison an animal!
Homer: Lisa, go to your room.
Homer [to Bart]: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose. It's how drunk you get.
Homer: Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things... like love!
Marge: Or double-ply windows. They look just like regular windows (slows down) but they'll save us 4% on our heating bill...
Homer [to Bart]: Well, these bills will have to paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'd have to raise my allowance to about a $1000 a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.
Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work!
Bill Clinton: Bite me.
Homer: [about Stampy] Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move it wouldn't get so hungry.
Lisa: You can't do that, Dad, it's cruel!
Homer: Oh, everything's cruel according to you. Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel. Pulling on his tail is cruel. Yelling in his ears is cruel. Everything is cruel. So, excuse me if I'm cruel!
Homer: Look at this, Marge! $58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Marge: Stampy's food bill today was $300.
Homer: Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
Chief Wiggum: [on the dispatch phone] Eh-heh! Yeah, right, lady. An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay. [puts her on hold, gets another call] Wiggum. ...Yeah, right, mister. Mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay. [puts that call on hold and gets a third call] Wiggum. ...Yeah, right, buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson! [hangs up] [imitating Robinson] Waah!