Principal Skinner: Ah, spring break in Hong Kong. Custom-made suits at slave-labor prices.
Homer: What's wrong, honey?
Lisa: There's something troubling me, dad, but I don't think I can tell you because it's a secret.
Homer: Ah, you don't have to tell me, but I thought we trusted each other with our secrets now. I mean, I haven't told a soul about your boyfriend.
Lisa: Langdon Alger? Oh, I don't like him anymore. Okay, but you have to promise you won't get angry or tell anyone, especially Bart.
Homer: I promise.
Lisa: (speaking quickly) Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a wig outlet in Knoxville and their car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!
Homer: (face reddens, then returns to normal; calmly) Yes, that's a real pickle. Could you excuse me for a moment? [puts on the radiation suit hood, which muffles his voice; he yells his head off as the faceplate fogs up] All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.
Lisa: No, no! Then he'll know I told.
Nelson: What is this place?
Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas… if it were run by Ned Flanders.
Bart: Gentlemen, for our road trip I have taken the liberty of preparing an airtight and utterly plausible alibi for use on our parents.
(Milhouse at home)
Milhouse: I have been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
(Martin at home)
Martin: I've been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
(Nelson at home)
Nelson: (leaving his house) I'm going' away for a week. See ya!
Homer: I'm sorry. I guess watching me isn't any more exciting than being me.
Lisa: Maybe we can make your job more fun.
(Lisa points to two radiation suits hanging on the wall)
Lisa: What are those?
Homer: I don't know.
Lisa: Well, what if we used our imaginations?
Homer: Your turn.
Lisa: Hmm, truth.
Homer: Uh, do you have a crush on anyone?
Homer: Oh, I won't tell anyone.
Lisa: Dad, you tell everyone everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist.
(three children are shouting and irritating their father while he is driving the family car)
Children's Angry Dad: If you kids don't keep your hands to yourself, I'm going to turn this car around and there will be no Cape Canaveral for anybody!
(Nelson slaps the man's head from Bart's car without the father observing it)
Children's Dad: That's it, back to Winnipeg!
(he turns the car around)
(Nelson grabs Milhouse's glasses)
Milhouse: Hey! I need those to see.
Pawnbroker: Ah, these lenses are perfect! Now I can re-bottom those antique Coke bottles. (he begins counting money) Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred, six hundred…
Milhouse: Hey! Come back! hey!
(crashes into the pyramid of Coke bottles)
Pawnbroker: …five hundred, four hundred, three hundred, two hundred, one hundred, zero.
Bart: [reading from a handout] Go To Work With Your Parents Day?
Principal Skinner: [over the P.A.] Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.
Lisa: I still don't understand why you get to stay home and watch Mom work.
Bart: Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace, Lis. I can't help it if my mom's workplace contains our TV.
Lisa: Okay, time for truth or dare. You go first.
Homer: Ehh, truth. Ask me anything.
Lisa: Who do you love most: me, Bart, or Maggie?
Homer: D'oh! All right, dare.
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.
Bart: Mom, you're blocking the TV. If you need something to do, you can fill out my form -- here. [hands Marge the form]
Marge: [reading] Parent's occupation ... please note, homemaker is not allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid for it ... ohhh.
Patty: Some days, we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: We call those weekdays. [they laugh]
Patty: Good one.
Nelson: [after seeing the movie, "Naked Lunch"] I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.
Milhouse: [yells] Spring breeeak! Yeah [pause, then quiet] Well, when are we going to get rowdy?
Bart: Maybe when we find something decent to do with this ID.
Nelson: We could go rent a carpet shampooer.
Martin: [to his flipping dog] Oh boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. [Nelson grabs Martin and tosses Flipsy out the window; Flipsy gets run over by a car]
Milhouse: Bart! Nelson hit me!
Bart: He sure did.
Homer: Hi, Lisa, how's your spring break going?
Lisa: I'm learning about owls.
Homer: Oh, owls, eh? So you probably wouldn't want to spend another day at work with me.
Lisa: Sure I would. I can always learn about owls this summer at bird camp.
Martin: [wakes up and looks out the window] Oh! We've arrived in the vast cornfields of Canada. How much further to the grammar rodeo?
Nelson: Grammar rodeo? We're going to a grammar rodeo?
Bart: We're not going to a grammar rodeo. That was just an alibi, Milton.
Milhouse: [whispers] Martin.
Homer: Oh! This is a map of nuclear sites around the country. As a safety inspector, I'm responsible for changing most of these light bulbs.
Lisa: Why are there so many burnt-out ones?
Homer: Because they won't let me hire an assistant.
Marge: Lisa, you'll have a fine time at the plant with dad. You've been interested in nuclear power for years.
Lisa: I signed numerous petitions to shut down that plant.
Marge: Well, there you go.
Nelson: [sees a sign about an Andy Williams concert] Andy Williams!
Bart: Aw, we don't need to stop here.
Nelson: Yes, we do. [punches Bart]
[At the Andy Williams concert. Milhouse, Martin, and Bart are bored out of their minds while Nelson watches with wide-eyed wonder. "Moon River" ends, and Nelson cheers and whistles]
Nelson: Wow!![whistles]I didn't think he was gonna do "Moon River," but then BAM! Second encore!
Homer: (on the phone) Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura.
Moe: You're a Snotball?
Homer: (Ticked off) What? How dare you? If I ever find out who that is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran! (hangs up)
Nelson: But on the plus side, I knocked over the SunSphere. [camera cuts back to wider angle] Ha-ha.
Lisa: (on the phone with Bart) You could travel for free if you were a stewardess. (hold the phone away from her ear as Bart yells at her) Well, how badly do you wanna get home? Alright, alright, what about a courier, they travel for free too... (Bart is talking) No, that's a terrier, they're dogs.
Marge: (answers phone) Hello? Oh hello, Principal Skinner… No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. Good night (hangs up) ….(the phone rings again and Marge answers) ….Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville. I really don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that! (hangs up) … (the phone rings again and Marge answers) Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam. (hangs up) … (While this is going on, Homer has slowly dived under the covers in the bed) …(he snorts) Homer, are you laughing at me?