Simpsons Wiki
When Flanders Failed
Bart the Murderer
Homer Defined
Bart: You ate my homework? I didn't know dogs really did that.

A press conference about a hijacked Laramie Cigarettes truck, to which Fat Tony is considered the chief suspect.
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He's the cancer, and I am the, uh... What cures cancer?
Reporter: People have been demanding to know what will happen about the resulting tobacco shortage in Springfield.
Chief Wiggum: I will now turn it over to a spokesman from Laramie Cigarettes.
Laramie Spokesman: I am sorry to hear of the hijacking. To make up for this Laramie Tobacco has sent a new truck to Springfield, and the driver has been specifically instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks.
Audience: YAY!

Lisa: I'm going to eat eight pieces of chocolate!
Ralph: I'll eat it 'til I barf!

Lisa: I think Bart would have really enjoyed this... But it's the only way he'll learn.

Skinner: Don't worry, Bart. We'll find something fun for you to do. Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes for the P.T.A.
Bart: You're making me lick envelopes?
Skinner: Licking envelopes can be fun. Just make a game of it.
Bart: What kind of game?
Skinner: Well, see how many you can lick in an hour. Then try to break that record.
Bart: Sounds like a pretty crappy game.
Skinner: Yes, well, get started.

Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks?
Fat Tony: Bart, um, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?
Bart: No.
Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?
Bart: Uh uh.
Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes?
Bart: I guess that's okay.
Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
Bart: Hell, no!

Marge: You got a job? Doing what?
Bart: Uh, I don't know. Mixing drinks, picking horses, cutting cigars.

Homer: What does it pay?
Bart: Thirty bucks a week.
Homer: I make more than that!

Marge: It's good he has a part-time job, but I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. I think they're criminals!
Homer: A job's a job. If my plant pollutes the water and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal!

Groundskeeper Willie: [during an interview] Eh, well, I thought I found 'im. But it was only a cat.

[Groundskeeper Willie wipes the Seymour Skinner Memorial Fire Hose nameplate with a washcloth.]
Ms. Krabappel: He loved fire drills... [starts weeping]
Willie: [Grabs and shakes Krabappel] Will ya git a hold of yerself, lass, [slaps her] fer the wee bairns!

Bart's nightmare. Bart is running in an open field. An undead Skinner comes out of his grave.
Skinner's Ghost: You killed me, Bart!
Bart runs to a shack near a cliff and opens the door. There he sees an undead Skinner who was lynched.
Skinner's Ghost: You killed me, Bart!
Bart then finds himself in an unnamed prison, which has a neon sign that flashes like a discotheque
A mob of angry people have come to see Bart's execution, among them Homer.
Homer: Yeah! Fry my boy!
Cell. In the only quiet part of dream, a prison guard lets Reverend Lovejoy into Bart's cell.
Bart: Reverend Lovejoy? Have you come to give me my condolences?
Reverend Lovejoy: As a matter of tradition more than anything.
Reverend Lovejoy pats Bart's shoulder half-heartedly.
Reverend Lovejoy: {woodenly} There, there. There, there.
Electric chair. Bart is strapped to electric chair and executioner pulls switch. The horror of being executed sufficiently scares Bart awake.

Secretary: Some large men to see you, sir.
Skinner: I don't have an appointment with any large men.
Fat Tony: You Skinner?
Skinner: I'm Principal Skinner, yes. And how did you get past the hall monitors?

Lionel Hutz: You've been his father for ten years. Do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous criminal syndicate?
Homer: Well, not the leader... I mean... Oh, it's true, it's true! All the pieces fit!

Skinner: Finally I realised if I was ever going to get out of there I would have to do it myself. I formed a crude rocket from a discarded cigar tube, and, remembering an experiment from my days as a fourth grade science teacher, I concocted a fuel from baking soda and the juice of discarded lemon wedges. The rocket took off with a mighty blast of carbon dioxide, dragging behind it the end of a vacuum cleaner cord. I grabbed on to the vacuum cleaner, pushed the cord retractor button and was on my way to freedom! And that's my courageous story.
The members of the public sitting in court watching the trial stand, clap and cheer.
District Attorney: Your honour, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony be stricken from the record!
Judge Snyder: DENIIIED! Case dismissed!
Lionel Hutz: Your I still get paid?

Season 2 Season 3 Quotes Season 4
Stark Raving DadMr. Lisa Goes to WashingtonWhen Flanders FailedBart the MurdererHomer DefinedLike Father, Like ClownTreehouse of Horror IILisa's PonySaturdays of ThunderFlaming Moe'sBurns Verkaufen der KraftwerkI Married MargeRadio BartLisa the GreekHomer AloneBart the LoverHomer at the BatSeparate VocationsDog of DeathColonel HomerBlack WidowerThe Otto ShowBart's Friend Falls in LoveBrother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?