Everyone: It's all your fault! It's all your fault! It's all your fault! It's all your fault!
Kent Brockman: Oh, we have lots of names for these people. Bums, deadbeats, losers, scums of the earth, we'd like to sweep these people into the gutter, or if already in the gutter, to some other out of the way place. Oh we have our reasons. They're depressing, their ragged clothes, they're crazy, they smell bad. So every year on one conscience salving day, we toss these people, a bone. A turkey bone. And that's supposed to make it all better.
Bart: [as he tries to get the can opener to work] It's broken, Mom. Mom, it's broken. [sings] Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en.
Homer: See, Maggie, those silver-and-blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team. And he wants them to lose by less than five and a half points. Understand?
TV Announcer: And now, get set for our fabulous halftime show, featuring the well-groomed young go-getters of "Hooray for Everything!"
Homer: Oh, I love those kids. They've got such a great attitude!
TV Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, "Hooray for Everything" invites you to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth, the Western Hemisphere! The dancingest hemisphere of all!
Jackie: I have laryngitis. It hurts to talk. So I'll just say one thing... You never do anything right.
Jackie: At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing... (everyone listens carefully) ...I'm sorry I came.
Homer: And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family has experienced. Well, not today, but... You saw what happened! Oh, Lord, be honest! Are we the most pathetic family in the universe or what?!
Lisa: Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece! Things like that always happen in this family.
Marge: I noticed that, too.
Lisa: I saw the best meals of my generation destroyed by the madness of my brother. My soul carved in slices by spikey-haired demons.
Bart: [after giving blood] 12 bucks and a free cookie! What a country! [passes out]
Abe: If I'm not back at the home by 9:00, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!
Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened, but we can't blame ourselves.
Marge: Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist.
Lisa: [writing in her diary] Dear Log: My brother is still missing, and maybe it's my fault because I failed to take his abuse with good humor. I miss him so much already, and I don't... know... [sobs]
Bart: Okay, okay. [humming] Looking for the spot. Still checking. This is so stupid. I'm not going to find anything. Just because I wrecked something she worked really hard on, and I made her cr-- Uh-oh. [realizing his nightmare about everyone scornfully mocking him, laughing in his face and blaming him for everything he "did"] I'm sorry, Lisa.
Lisa: [hugs Bart] Apology accepted. [instead of scornfully mocking him, laughing in his face, and blaming him for everything, Lisa kisses Bart's upper lip and the two of them hug as Homer sees it from the window down below]
Homer: [to Marge] You know, Marge, we're great parents.