Marge: Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine.
Homer: Then, we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV.
Ned: I'd see them sitting on that couch all day long, just staring at that Hollywood hogwash!
(Cut to the Simpsons on the couch glued to the TV, and then to Homer)
Homer: Our favorite show was Hollywood Hogwash. But we also loved The Dreck Squad.
Marge: The Malarkeys, dumbin' it down.
Lisa: Sheriff Lowbrow.
Bart: Home Improvement!
Homer: But we never saw people like us on TV.
Narrator: The Simpsons's TV show started out on a wing and a prayer. But now the wing was on fire, and the prayer had been answered by Satan.
Homer: It was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean, emotionally, it was terrible, but the turkey was so moist!
Narrator: Marge put together a night club act..
Marge: (singing) I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy!
Backup Singers: She didn't do it! She didn't do it!
Marge: (speaks) So the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him!... (audience gasps) A smile! Goodnight!
Backup Singers: She didn't do it! She didn't do it!
Ozzy Osbourne: Right, and the award for best hardcore thrash metal goes to... "Simpsons Christmas Boogie"?!
Marge: Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I had real chemistry onscreen.
Homer: Every day I thought about firing Marge…you know, just to shake things up.
Homer: I want to set the record straight. (slowly) I thought. The cop. Was a prostitute.
Chief Wiggum: I'd never acted before in my life, but, uh, if the Sea Captain could be in the show, why not me? I've even got a catchphrase. (imitating Edward G. Robinson) Nyaaaah! (beat) No, I lost it.
Homer: That's ridiculous! How could I even get all 5 necessary drops into her bowl of cereal? (brief pause) What?
