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- Commemoration of the SNPP billboard
- Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield what to do.
- Warning sign: [RELAX. EVERYTHING IS FINE.]
- Strong applause
- Warning sign: [MINOR RADIATION LEAK. ROLL UP WINDOWS.]
- Moderate applause
- Warning sign: [MELTDOWN. FLEE CITY.]
- Weak applause
- Warning sign: [CORE EXPLOSION. REPENT SINS.]
- Audience is in stunned silence over gravity of such a warning; all except for Carl, Homer, Lenny, and another employee, who are snickering because they think that warning sign is ridiculous
- Homer: Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign!
- Carl: I'd give, except for one thing.
- Lenny: What?
- Carl: I don't wanna.
- Homer: I can't believe you guys! There's a wealthy human being who needs our help. You don't wanna cash in? That's why you losers are stuck in this crummy job.
- Carl: You know, Homer, I am your supervisor.
- Homer: Sorry, sir.
- Smithers: Damn this gutter blood!
- Mr. Burns: Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me really hit the spot.
- Bart: I don't have to give blood! I have rights!
- Homer: Yeah, the right to remain silent!
- Homer: It's not like I'm asking you to give blood for free! That would be crazy! When you save a rich man's life, he showers you with riches. You know "Hercules and the Lion"?
- Bart: Is it a Bible story?
- Homer: Yeah, probably. Once upon a time there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. Everyone tried to pull it out but nobody was strong enough. They got Hercules. And Hercules used his mighty strength, and bingo! The moral is, the lion was so happy he gave Hercules this big thing of riches.
- Bart: How did a lion get rich?
- Homer: It was the olden days!
- Homer: I've never seen Mr. Burns this mad, and he's always kind of mad!
- Mr. Burns: Who are you?
- Homer's Brain: Don't tell him. Give him a fake name.
- Homer: Homer Simpson.
- Homer's Brain: D'oh!
- Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
- Postal Worker: Okay, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?
- Homer: I don't know.
- Outside post office sitting on steps
- Homer: Great plan, Bart!
- Homer: It's just a card! Is that some way to show your gratitude? No gold, no diamonds, no rubies, not even a lousy card! Wait, there was a card. That's what got me so mad!
- Homer: I promised my boy one simple thing: Lots of riches! And that man broke my promise!
- Homer: I'll show you mad in the morning! (chokes Bart)
- Marge: Homer, you encouraged him. You should be strangling yourself!
- Homer: She's right. (strangles himself)
- Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing - just a big scary rock!
- Bart: Hey, man, don't badmouth the head!
- Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts! The moral is, a good deed is its own reward.
- Bart: We got a reward! The head is cool!
- Marge: Well, then, I guess the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded.
- Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that letter, we would've gotten nothing.
- Marge: Well, hmm. Then I guess the moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
- Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral.
- Bart: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened!
- Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
- Homer: Amen to that!