Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?/Quotes

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◄ Bart's Friend Falls in Love

Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?

Kamp Krusty ►

[It is time for the annual company physicals at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.]

Tester: [looking at readout] This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat!

[The tester turns to see Homer eating a chicken drumstick while he's suspended in the buoyancy tank.]

Tester: Hey, no eating in the tank!

Homer: Go to Hell.

---

Marge: How was your day at work, dear?

Homer: [matter-of-factly] Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough.

---

[The results from the company physical show that radiation from the nuclear plant has made Homer sterile. To keep him from suing, Mr. Burns concocts a story about Homer getting the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. All he has to do is sign a form (which is actually a waiver). At Homer's insistence, Burns includes a trophy and a big awards ceremony.]

Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!

Bart: What about the Emmys?

Lisa: I stand corrected.

---

Herb: [with a gorilla mask] I'm scared.

---

[Burns introduces Smokin' Joe Frazier, who presents the award.]

Joe Frazier: And now, the winner of the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence...

Homer: [eyes closed, crossing fingers] Please-please-please-please-please!

Lisa: Dad, you know you won!

Homer: Don't jinx it!

---

[Meanwhile, Homer's half-brother Hobo Herb has been living as a bum since losing his car company. He sees a young mother struggling to understand her baby, and gets the idea of inventing a baby translator to make his fortune back.]

Herb: [talking to fellow bums] I'm tellin' you, all a man needs is an idea. And I've got an idea!

Bum: Then how come you're still a bum?

Herb: All right, a man needs two things. An idea, and money to get it off the ground.

---

[While the family is in a furniture store shopping for a new couch, Homer tries out a fancy vibrating recliner called the "Spinemelter 2000" and falls in love.]

Homer: [still vibrating] I-I-I-I-'l-l-l-l-l t-t-t-a-a-a-k-k-k-e-e-e i-i-i-t-t-t-t-t-t!!!!

[Marge Looks At Price Tag]

Marge: [looking at price tag] This chair is two thousand dollars! We could buy a whole living room set for that.

Homer: Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service... but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

---

[After accidentally going to the Flanders house, Herb rings the Simpsons' doorbell and waits for someone to answer.]

Herb: "What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?

[The door finally opens. It's Homer.]

Homer: Herb?

[Herb punches Homer in the jaw and walks inside.]

Bart and Lisa: Unky Herb!

Herb: Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you. [They hug.]

Homer: [rubbing his head] You weren't so glad to see me.

Herb: I'm sorry, Homer. But I'm still mad at you. Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face!

Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt?

Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.

---

[The Simpsons and Herb sit down to dinner. Bart makes small talk.]

Bart: Unky Herb, what advice would you give to a boy who will most likely become a bum like yourself?

Herb: Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.

---

[After borrowing Homer's $2,000 of "Excellence" money and spending hours working with Maggie, Herb is ready to unveil his baby translator prototype.]

Herb: Now, I bet you're all wondering what's under this sheet.

Bart: Not really. We peeked inside while you were in the john.

Herb: Well, here it is again. My baby translator! [pulls the sheet off]

Marge: [impressed] "Oooooooooo!!!

Herb: Marge, you don't have to humor me.

Marge: Well, it's pretty ingrained.

Herb: What do you think, Homer?

Homer: Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew two thousand dollars on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks!

Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?

Homer: I'll try, but I can't.

[Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth and babbles. The translator goes into action.]

Maggie: [via translator] Lavish attention on me and entertain me.

Marge: [gasps] Maggie! You talked!

Herb: You see? It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind.

Lisa: [covering Maggie's eyes] Maggie? Maggie?

Maggie: [via translator] Where did you go?

Lisa: [uncovering Maggie's eyes] Peek-a-boo!

Maggie: [via translator] Oh, there you are. Very amusing.

Herb: Well, Homer, now what do you think?

Homer: I don't know, Herb. People are afraid of new things. You should have taken an existing product and put a clock in it or something.

Marge: Homer, every mother in the country is going to want one of these.

[Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth and babbles again.]

Maggie: [via translator] I have soiled myself. How embarrassing.

---

[At the Baby Convention, Herb's translator is a big hit and sells extremely well, making him his fortune back. Herb pays Homer back the $2,000 he borrowed and gives gifts to Marge and the kids.]

Homer: [looking forlorn] Herb, I don't think there's a vibrating chair in that bag for me.

Herb: Homer, walk me to my car. [They go outside.]

Homer: What do I get? What do I get? It's not another punch in the face, is it? Because if it is, I don't want it.

Herb: This is what you get. I forgive you. You can call me brother, and I can do the same.

Homer: That's it?

Herb: That's it.

Homer: I see your point - brother.

Herb: Give me a hug - brother.

Homer: All right, but I've never really hugged a man before.

[As the two brothers embrace, a delivery truck from "The Seatery" pulls into the driveway, behind Homer.]

Herb: Homer, I bought you the damn chair.

[Now ecstatic, Homer covers Herb with kisses.]