Lisa: Give her a break. Remember your first day at school?
Milhouse: Not as long as I keep taking these. [holds up a bottle of pills labeled "Repressitol"]
Homer: That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away. [draws bunny faces on the electrical outlets]
Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies.
Homer: She will be.
Marge: [to Lisa] Why don't you try reaching out to this new girl? See if you two have a common interest.
Lisa: Hmmm. Well, lots of people like jazz fusion. [starts playing her saxophone and Marge stops her]
Marge: Okay, that's in the "maybe" file. What if you two bond over your Malibu Stacey dolls.
Lisa: They're not dolls; they're "aspiration" figures. But it might work.
Lisa: Uh, Francine? I think we got off to a bad start. [notices Francine is holding a Malibu Stacy doll] Hey! You like Malibu Stacy, too!
Francine: Oh, yeah.
Lisa: And you like the same one I like, with the grad student glamour pack. Just like the one in my... [sees that her locker door has been forced open] locker. That's mine, isn't it?
Francine: [bites the head off the doll, and spits it at Lisa] Tastes like yours. [picks up Lisa, throws her in her locker, closes the door, and walks away]
Lisa: [from inside her locker] How about jazz? Do you like jazz?
Milhouse: [from the locker next to Lisa's] I like jazz.
Lisa: Milhouse? She got you, too?
Milhouse: Yeah, but it's not so bad. I'm standing on Ralph.
Ralph: [from the bottom of the locker] We're a totem pole. [in an Indian chant] Hi-ya, hi-ya! Hoy-ya, hoy-ya!
Homer: [to Marge] Now do you realize how unsafe the American home is? Baby accidents occur every 3 minutes.
Marge: I'm the one who told you that.
Homer: Yeah, but this is me talking. Look, I already encased the telephone in concrete. [points to the telephone, which is encased in a 2-foot thick concrete cube]
Marge: How are you supposed to dial?
Homer: Reach into these holes. I use a carrot. [holds one up]
Marge: Isn't that a little excessive? I mean, how are the buttons dangerous?
Homer: Baby could order poison.
Marge: Oh, that's ridiculous. [Homer dials a number and then gives the receiver to Marge]
Poison Delivery Man: [on the phone] Poison Delivery Service. A gift basket of poison is on its way.
Marge: Oh, I'm a horrible mother.
Homer: Of course you are.
[Martin is hanging upside down from the bleachers as the bullies are throwing tomatoes at him]
Nelson: Why're you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh? Why're you throwing tomatoes at yourself?
Martin: Your very question is faulty.
Jimbo: You're faulty! [throws a tomato at him]
Nelson: What do you want?
Lisa: Would you bullies be interested in some bodyguard work?
Nelson: This is so funny. We were just talking about moving into protection.
Dolph: We're offering a recess and lunch package that's very affordable.
Lisa: Well, I'm going to need full coverage. My bully is highly aggressive. Check out these Indian burns. [holds out her arm, which has an Indian burn on it; the bullies are impressed]
Jimbo: Triple twist! Nice work!
Kearney: You sure this was done by hand?
Lisa: Yeah, she's a real purist.
Nelson: She? [the bullies back away] Sorry, we don't do girls. They bite and kick and scratch.
Dolph: And sometimes we fall in love.
[The bullies sigh romantically]
Lisa: I just don't understand Francine's motivation.Why does she only go after the smart ones?
Nelson: That's like asking the square root of a million. No one will ever know.
Lisa: Mr. Tatum, do you mind if I swab you with this damp rag.
Drederick Tatum: No, not at all, swab away. Whoa, whoa… nobody mentioned a beaker!
Lisa: Please! It's for science!
Drederick Tatum: Oh, for science? In that case, proceed.
[Nelson begins uncontrollably punching Drederick Tatum in the gut, Tatum does not move]
Drederick Tatum: Hey, cut it out! I insist that you desist.
Nelson: [crying and punching] Sorry! I'm so sorry! [walks behind Tatum and wedgies him] Please don't hurt me!
Drederick Tatum: You leave me little recourse. [rolls up his sleeve]
TV Announcer: And now, the Estrogen Network presents "Afternoon Yak."
Meredith Vieira: Men...
Studio Audience: Boo!
Homer: Cancelled! [immediately changes the channel]
Kent Brockman: [on the news] The "safe-baby" craze. It's sweeping Springfield thanks to one crusading parent.
Homer: That's me! Safety dance! [gets off the couch and starts dancing and singing] You can dance, you can dance, everybody look at your pants!
Homer: [running out in the street] Babies of Springfield, we need your help! Please, skin your knees! Put dice up your nose! Let cats sleep on your face!
Professor Frink: [on stage, amid crowd activity] Scientists, scientists, please. Looking for some order. Some order, please, with the eyes forward and the hands neatly folded and the paying... [shouts] Pi is exactly 3! [the audience gasps and quiets down] I'm very sorry that it had to come to that.
Scientist: Let's not listen.
Lisa: I have isolated the chemical which is emitted by every geek, dork, and four-eyes. I call it "poindextrose."
[Francine runs towards Lisa, but Lisa sprays the bully repellent and Francine stops in her tracks]
Scientist #1: My God, she's stopped in her tracks!
Scientist #2: The little girl's invented some sort of bully repellent. [the crowd murmurs, astonished]
Lisa: Actually, it's just ordinary salad dressing. [the crowd gasps]
Marge: So that's where that went.
Lisa: The pungent vinegar and tangy Roquefort block the smell receptors, rendering the bully harmless. [the crowd applauds]
Professor Frink: Congratulations, Lisa. You are truly the standout at this year's big science thing. [hands Lisa an envelope]
Lisa: [looks inside the envelope] A gift certificate from JCPenney's?
Professor Frink: Yes, you'll love their slacks. Nn-hey.
Marge: [to Lisa] Oh, honey, we're so proud of you.
Homer: So all her bullying was just to get some attention.
Lisa: No, Dad, didn't you listen to anything I said?
Homer: Just to get some attention.
Marge: [to Bart and Lisa] Kids, you're gonna miss the school bus. [looks at the window, gasps and sees Otto's school bus coming] It's only two blocks away! [grabs both Bart and Lisa and bonks their heads at each other and brushes their teeth]
Bart: But I've gotta spit.
Marge: You can spit on the bus! [changes their pajamas to their clothes while going downstairs. Bart is wearing Lisa's clothes and Lisa is wearing Bart's clothes]
Bart: [holding Lisa's dress] Uh, mom--
Marge: [to Bart] Not now, Lisa. [grabs him and Lisa]