Hungry, Hungry Homer
Bye Bye Nerdie
Simpson Safari
Marge: Homer? You're still here? You should have left for work an hour ago.
Homer: They said if I come in late again, I'm fired. I can't take that chance.

Milhouse: [when Otto speeds up the school bus while racing Marge] Wow! It's just like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat.

[When the new girl, Francine arrives on the school bus]
Sherri: Red hair?
Terri: What's she trying to pull?
Janey: Those shoes look Canadian.
Braces Boy: [wearing a "Frankie Says Relax" shirt] She'll never fit in.

Bart: One hour dry cleaner? Man, that's fast.

[A baby-proofing saleswoman arrives at the Simpsons' house]
Saleswoman: Your baby is dead!
Homer and Marge: [scream]
Saleswoman: That's what you'd hear if your baby fell victim to the thousands of deathtraps lurking in the average American home.
Homer: You really scared us there.
Saleswoman: I'm sorry, but the truth is, your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead. [Homer and Marge scream again] Dead tired of baby insurance agents not giving you a free estimate.

[When the saleswoman crawls on the kitchen floor like a baby]
Homer: [to Marge; referring to the saleswoman's butt] That's a pretty big caboose for a baby.
Marge: Homer, don't be...[stares] wow, that is huge.

Saleswoman: You see how quickly your baby could have been drinking this...[reads the label] Similac Baby Formula?
Homer: No! [takes the bottle and stomps on it] This is such an eye-opener. I always pictured the kids dying in the living room.

[Homer kicks the saleswoman out of their house]
Homer: We don't need your high-priced safety junk! [Maggie falls out the window. The saleswoman catches her and gives her to Homer] Thank you.

[When Francine is sitting alone on the teeter-totter at recess]
Bart: Look at the new kid hogging the teeter-totter like she owns the place!
Milhouse: Yeah, she thinks she's "Babe: Pig in the City."
Lisa: Give her a break. Remember your first day at school?
Milhouse: Not as long as I keep taking these. [holds up a bottle of pills labeled "Repressitol"]

Homer: That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away. [draws bunny faces on the electrical outlets]
Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies.
Homer: She will be.

Marge: [to Lisa] Why don't you try reaching out to this new girl? See if you two have a common interest.
Lisa: Hmmm. Well, lots of people like jazz fusion. [starts playing her saxophone and Marge stops her]
Marge: Okay, that's in the "maybe" file. What if you two bond over your Malibu Stacey dolls.
Lisa: They're not dolls; they're "aspiration" figures. But it might work.

Lisa: Uh, Francine? I think we got off to a bad start. [notices Francine is holding a Malibu Stacy doll] Hey! You like Malibu Stacy, too!
Francine: Oh, yeah.
Lisa: And you like the same one I like, with the grad student glamour pack. Just like the one in my... [sees that her locker door has been forced open] locker. That's mine, isn't it?
Francine: [bites the head off the doll, and spits it at Lisa] Tastes like yours. [picks up Lisa, throws her in her locker, closes the door, and walks away]
Lisa: [from inside her locker] How about jazz? Do you like jazz?
Milhouse: [from the locker next to Lisa's] I like jazz.
Lisa: Milhouse? She got you, too?
Milhouse: Yeah, but it's not so bad. I'm standing on Ralph.
Ralph: [from the bottom of the locker] We're a totem pole. [in an Indian chant] Hi-ya, hi-ya! Hoy-ya, hoy-ya!

Homer: [to Marge] Now do you realize how unsafe the American home is? Baby accidents occur every 3 minutes.
Marge: I'm the one who told you that.
Homer: Yeah, but this is me talking. Look, I already encased the telephone in concrete. [points to the telephone, which is encased in a 2-foot thick concrete cube]
Marge: How are you supposed to dial?
Homer: Reach into these holes. I use a carrot. [holds one up]
Marge: Isn't that a little excessive? I mean, how are the buttons dangerous?
Homer: Baby could order poison.
Marge: Oh, that's ridiculous. [Homer dials a number and then gives the receiver to Marge]
Poison Delivery Man: [on the phone] Poison Delivery Service. A gift basket of poison is on its way.
Marge: Oh, I'm a horrible mother.
Homer: Of course you are.

[Martin is hanging upside down from the bleachers as the bullies are throwing tomatoes at him]
Nelson: Why're you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh? Why're you throwing tomatoes at yourself?
Martin: Your very question is faulty.
Jimbo: You're faulty! [throws a tomato at him]

Lisa: Knock-knock.
Nelson: What do you want?
Lisa: Would you bullies be interested in some bodyguard work?
Nelson: This is so funny. We were just talking about moving into protection.
Dolph: We're offering a recess and lunch package that's very affordable.
Lisa: Well, I'm going to need full coverage. My bully is highly aggressive. Check out these Indian burns. [holds out her arm, which has an Indian burn on it; the bullies are impressed]
Jimbo: Triple twist! Nice work!
Kearney: You sure this was done by hand?
Lisa: Yeah, she's a real purist.
Nelson: She? [the bullies back away] Sorry, we don't do girls. They bite and kick and scratch.
Dolph: And sometimes we fall in love.
[The bullies sigh romantically]

Lisa: I just don't understand Francine's motivation.Why does she only go after the smart ones?
Nelson: That's like asking the square root of a million. No one will ever know.

Lisa: Mr. Tatum, do you mind if I swab you with this damp rag.
Drederick Tatum: No, not at all, swab away. Whoa, whoa… nobody mentioned a beaker!
Lisa: Please! It's for science!
Drederick Tatum: Oh, for science? In that case, proceed.

[Nelson begins uncontrollably punching Drederick Tatum in the gut, Tatum does not move]
Drederick Tatum: Hey, cut it out! I insist that you desist.
Nelson: [crying and punching] Sorry! I'm so sorry! [walks behind Tatum and wedgies him] Please don't hurt me!
Drederick Tatum: You leave me little recourse. [rolls up his sleeve]

TV Announcer: And now, the Estrogen Network presents "Afternoon Yak."
Meredith Vieira: Men...
Studio Audience: Boo!
Homer: Cancelled! [immediately changes the channel]

Kent Brockman: [on the news] The "safe-baby" craze. It's sweeping Springfield thanks to one crusading parent.
Homer: That's me! Safety dance! [gets off the couch and starts dancing and singing] You can dance, you can dance, everybody look at your pants!

Homer: [running out in the street] Babies of Springfield, we need your help! Please, skin your knees! Put dice up your nose! Let cats sleep on your face!

Professor Frink: [on stage, amid crowd activity] Scientists, scientists, please. Looking for some order. Some order, please, with the eyes forward and the hands neatly folded and the paying... [shouts] Pi is exactly 3! [the audience gasps and quiets down] I'm very sorry that it had to come to that.

Scientist: Let's not listen.

Lisa: I have isolated the chemical which is emitted by every geek, dork, and four-eyes. I call it "poindextrose."

[Francine runs towards Lisa, but Lisa sprays the bully repellent and Francine stops in her tracks]
Scientist #1: My God, she's stopped in her tracks!
Scientist #2: The little girl's invented some sort of bully repellent. [the crowd murmurs, astonished]
Lisa: Actually, it's just ordinary salad dressing. [the crowd gasps]
Marge: So that's where that went.
Lisa: The pungent vinegar and tangy Roquefort block the smell receptors, rendering the bully harmless. [the crowd applauds]
Professor Frink: Congratulations, Lisa. You are truly the standout at this year's big science thing. [hands Lisa an envelope]
Lisa: [looks inside the envelope] A gift certificate from JCPenney's?
Professor Frink: Yes, you'll love their slacks. Nn-hey.

Marge: [to Lisa] Oh, honey, we're so proud of you.
Homer: So all her bullying was just to get some attention.
Lisa: No, Dad, didn't you listen to anything I said?
Homer: Just to get some attention.

Marge: [to Bart and Lisa] Kids, you're gonna miss the school bus. [looks at the window, gasps and sees Otto's school bus coming] It's only two blocks away! [grabs both Bart and Lisa and bonks their heads at each other and brushes their teeth]
Bart: But I've gotta spit.
Marge: You can spit on the bus! [changes their pajamas to their clothes while going downstairs. Bart is wearing Lisa's clothes and Lisa is wearing Bart's clothes]
Bart: [holding Lisa's dress] Uh, mom--
Marge: [to Bart] Not now, Lisa. [grabs him and Lisa]

Season 11 Season 12 Quotes Season 13
Treehouse of Horror XIA Tale of Two SpringfieldsInsane Clown PoppyLisa the Tree HuggerHomer vs. DignityThe Computer Wore Menace ShoesThe Great Money CaperSkinner's Sense of SnowHOMЯPokey MomWorst Episode EverTennis the MenaceDay of the JackanapesNew Kids on the BlecchHungry, Hungry HomerBye Bye NerdieSimpson SafariTrilogy of ErrorI'm Goin' to PraiselandChildren of a Lesser ClodSimpsons Tall Tales
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