Simpsons Wiki
Homer's Barbershop Quartet
Cape Feare
Homer Goes to College
Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum!
(The jury proceeds to laugh mockingly at the joke)
Wiggum: Ah ho, now I get it! chuckles That's good.
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
(The jury murmurs opinion to one another)
Blue-Haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?
(A few jurors raise their hands)
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Be honest.
(The entire jury, including Patty raise their hands as a juror gasps at her)
Patty: Eh, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Robert, if released would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? Hah, the spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?
Official: Uh, we objected the term "urine-soaked hellhole" when you could've said "pee-pee soaked heckhole".
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.

Marge: [threateningly] Bart, I'm going to get you...[brandishes some scissors]

Bart: [gasps]
Marge: [cheerfully] ...some ice cream at the store, since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola! [holds up a coupon]
Ned Flanders: [menacingly] Say your prayers, Simpson... [cheerfully] Because the schools can't force you like they should! Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church!
Mrs. Krabappel: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart... [normal] In our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzie!
Martin: [dressed as Lizzie Borden] 40 whacks with a wet noodle, Bart!

Milhouse: [to Bart] I checked around. The girls are calling you "fatty fat fat fat" and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants. But nobody's trying to kill ya.
Bart: Aaah... that's good.
Nelson: [pulls down Bart's pants]
Girls: Fatty fat fat fat, fatty fatty fat fat!

(While Bart and Lisa are watching "Up Late with McBain")
McBain: Ja thank you ja, that's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Skoey. [Skoey bows] That is some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual. [audience boos] Whoa, maybe you all are homosexuals, too! [audience boos]
Bart: This is horrible.
Lisa: The Fox Network has sunk to a new low.

Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson? That spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine soaked hellhole.
Male Parole Officer: Uh...We object to the term: "urine soaked hellhole," when you could have said: "pee pee soaked heckhole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
Blue-haired Lawyer: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "DIE BART DIE"?
Sideshow Bob: No that's German for "The, Bart the." *Audience laughs*
Female Parole Officer: No one who speaks German can be an evil man.
Male Parole Officer: Parole granted!

Lisa: Bart, I figured it out! Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?
Bart: Linda Lavin?
Lisa: No, someone who didn't deserve it.

Bart and Lisa: Aah! Sideshow Bob!
Bart: You wrote me those letters!
Marge: You awful man. Stay away from my son.
Sideshow Bob: Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. (evilly) Stay away...forever!
Homer: (quaking) Oh no!
Sideshow Bob: Wait a minute, that's no good. (starts to walk away, then runs back) Wait! I've got a good one now. Marge, say, "Stay away from my son," again.
Marge: (angrily) No!
Sideshow Bob: (groaning)

Chief Wiggum [to Marge]: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: (indignantly) I'm pretty sure there is.
Chief Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle....
Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. (shows him "Springfield Law")
Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. (scene shows Eddie with squirrels running around in his pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing) Boys, knock it off!

Abe: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George "Goober" Lindsay.
Bart: [dismissively] Grampa, Matlock isn't real.
Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

Homer: Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me!! Oh, wait, it's for Bart.

Bart: Mom, Dad, I saw Sideshow Bob and he threatened to kill me!
Homer: Bart, don't interrupt!
Marge: Homer, this is serious!
Homer: Oh, it is not.

Agent [to Homer]: Tell you what, sir. From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say,"Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
Homer: Check.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: (stares blankly)
Agent: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: (stares blankly)
(A long time later)
Agent: (sighs in frustration) Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! (stomps on Homer's foot a few times)
Homer: (stares blankly; to other agent) I think he's talking to you.

Bart: I'll be Gus, the lovable chimney-sweep. Clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, best in all Westminster. Yeah!
Homer: Shut up, boy.

Homer: Hey kids, want to drive through that cactus patch?
Bart: Yeah!
Lisa: Yeah!
Sideshow Bob: (from under the car) No!
Homer: Well, two against one.

Marge: We've left it all behind. How can you make a clean break with your life?
Homer: Relax, Marge, I tied up all the loose ends before we left.
[Scene goes to the Simpsons' old house where Grampa is standing at the door]
Grampa: [knocking on the door] Hello-o! Hello-o! You have my pills! Hello-o? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.

Sideshow Bob: [writing out his plan] Roman numeral III: Surprise boy in bed... [sips his tea] ...and, uh...disembowel him! ...No, I don't like that "bowel" in there. Gut him! Ah, le mot juste! [kisses the paper]

Homer: [running into Bart's room, looking menacing while holding a butcher knife] BARTDOYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIESBEFOREYOUGOTOBED?!?!
Homer: [showing Bart the brownie pan] C'mon, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
Bart: Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife.
Homer: Why? Oh! ri-hi-hight. The Sideshow Bob thing. I'm sorry, boy. [kisses Bart goodnight and leaves]
[Not even a second later, Homer runs back into Bart's room wearing a hockey mask and holding a chainsaw]
Homer: Oh! Sorry. What am I thinking? [kisses Bart goodnight and leaves again]

Sideshow Bob: Well, Bart...any last requests?
Bart: Well, there is one, but...(notices a sign that says the boat will be in Springfield soon) nah.
Sideshow Bob: No, go on.
Bart: Well, you have such a beautiful voice.
Sideshow Bob: Guilty as charged.
Bart: Uh huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the "H.M.S. Pinafore."
Sideshow Bob: Very well, Bart. I shall send you to heaven before I send you to Hell.

Bart [on how he tricked Sideshow Bob]: I knew I had to buy some time. So I asked him to sing the score from the "H.M.S. Pinafore."
Homer: Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its in-tric-asies.

Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.

Season 4 Season 5 Quotes Season 6
Homer's Barbershop QuartetCape FeareHomer Goes to CollegeRosebudTreehouse of Horror IVMarge on the LamBart's Inner ChildBoy-Scoutz 'n the HoodThe Last Temptation of Homer$pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)Homer the VigilanteBart Gets FamousHomer and ApuLisa vs. Malibu StacyDeep Space HomerHomer Loves FlandersBart Gets an ElephantBurns' HeirSweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss SongThe Boy Who Knew Too MuchLady Bouvier's LoverSecrets of a Successful Marriage