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Dead Putting Society |
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- Homer: Supposed to be the boy's job.
- Homer: It wasn't how he said it either but the message was loud and clear: Our Family Stinks.
- Marge: Homer, I'm your best friend, but I've gotta say, I've never seen him be anything but a perfect neighbor.
- Homer: Oh, he's perfect now, is he?
- Marge: Well, he's not perfect, but he is very...
- Homer: No, no, Marge. Don't back pedal! You were right the first time. He's perfect. Perfect in every way. I'm just gonna go take a walk around the block to calm down. I got a little excited. I'm not perfect... like Ned Flanders.
- Homer: (reading Ned's letter) You are my brother.
- Homer, Lisa and Bart giggle
- Homer: I love you.
- (Homer, Lisa, and Bart laugh)
- Homer: And yet, I feel a great sadness... [tries to stifle a giggle] ... in my bosom.
- (Homer, Lisa and Bart laugh uproariously)
- Homer: Bosom. (giggles a bit) But wait, there's more.
- Marge: I think it's disgraceful! A man pours his heart out and you make fun of him! (She walks away and stifles a laugh)
- Homer: Neighbors forever--, Oh, no! Ned Flanders. (They keep laughing)
- Bart: What a sap!
- Lisa: (wipes away a tear of laughter) Read the "bosom" part again, Dad.
- Marge: Now just a minute!
- Bart: Bosom. (The family minus Marge starts bursting into laughter again)
- Marge: Bart!
- Bart: Huh?
- Marge: I wish this family was as close as the Flanders.
- Homer: Okay. Okay. All right, all right. She's right. Let's do something together. What does everyone say to some miniature golf, followed by a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes?
- Bart and Lisa: All right!
- Ned Flanders: Hey there, neighbor. The Lord's certainly given us a beautiful day today, huh?
- Homer: Hello, Flanders.
- Ned: Doing a little yard work, huh?
- Homer: Who told? Marge, beer me!
- Ned: Just a minute. Loser is such a harsh word. Couldn't we just say, "The boy who doesn't win"?
- Homer: That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!
- Homer: All right, knock it off!
- Ned: Knock what off, Simpson?
- Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
- Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!
- Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!
- Homer wolfs down several nachos before he departs Flanders residence
- Homer: One for the road.
- Homer: Come on, Bart! Remember what Vince Lombardi said: If you lose, you're out of the family!
- Homer: What are you doing! That putter is to you what a bat is to a baseball player! What a violin is... to the... the guy that... the violin guy! Now c'mon! Give your putter a name.
- Bart: What?
- Homer: C'mon, give it a name.
- Bart: Mister Putter.
- Homer: D'oh... You wanna try a little harder son? C'mon give it a girl's name.
- Bart: Mom.
- Homer: Your putter's name is Charlene!
- Bart: Why?
- Homer: It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes staring at it. And concentrating on how much you hate him, and how glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him!
- Bart: Who's Charlene?
- Homer: (raises the putter, about to wallop Bart with it) I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating!
- Homer: Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing and we can't both win.
- Ned: Actually, Simp-son, we were praying that no one gets hurt.
- Homer: Oh, well, Flan-ders, it doesn't matter. This time tomorrow, you'll be wearing high heels!
- Ned: Nope, you will!
- Homer: Fraid not!
- Ned: Fraid so!
- Homer: Fraid not!
- Ned: Fraid so!
- Homer: Fraid not infinity!
- Ned: Fraid so infinity plus one!
- Homer: D'oh!
- Homer: Marge, where's the Duff?
- Marge: Ohh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?
- Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!
- Marge: (grumbling) Uhhh... My best dress.
- Lisa: Why do I get the feeling that one day I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?
- Homer: Listen to 'em laughing. This is so humiliating. I'm never going to live this down. Damn Flanders!
- Flanders: (laughing) You know, Simpson, I feel kind of silly but, what the hey, you know. It kinda reminds me of my good old fraternity days.
- Homer: D'oh! Oh my God, he's enjoying it!
- Lisa: Hi Bart. What are you doing?
- Bart: Hey, Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter?
- Lisa: Well, a black-headed bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn.
- Bart: Right. I am a pawn.
- Lisa: Hmm, I know. It's times like this I'm thankful that Dad has little to no interest in almost everything I do. Bart, I think I can help you.