Homer: It wasn't how he said it either but the message was loud and clear: Our Family Stinks.
Marge: I'm your best friend, but I've gotta say he's always been a perfect neighbor.
Homer: He's perfect now, is he?
Marge: He's not perfect, but he is very nice.
Homer: No, oh, Marge. Don't back pedal. You were right the first time. He's perfect. Perfect in every way. I'm just gonna take a walk around the block to calm down. I got a little excited. I'm not perfect, like Ned Flanders.
Homer: (reading Ned's letter) You are my brother.
Homer, Lisa and Bart giggle
Homer: I love you.
(Homer, Lisa, and Bart laugh)
Homer: And yet, I feel a great sadness... [tries to stifle a giggle] ... in my bosom.
(Homer, Lisa and Bart laugh uproariously)
Marge scolds the family although she finds it funny herself.
Ned Flanders: Hey there, neighbor. The Lord's certainly given us a beautiful day today, huh?
Homer: Hello, Flanders.
Ned: Doing a little yard work, huh?
Homer: Who told? Marge, beer me!
Ned: Just a minute. Loser is such a harsh word. Couldn't we just say, "The boy who doesn't win"?
Homer: That shot is impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!
Homer: All right, knock it off!
Ned: Knock what off, Simpson?
Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!
Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!
Homer wolfs down several nachos before he departs Flanders residence
Homer: One for the road.
Homer: Come on, Bart! Remember what Vince Lombardi said: If you lose, you're out of the family!
Homer: What are you doing! That putter is to you what a bat is to a baseball player! What a violin is... to the... the guy that... the violin guy! Now c'mon! Give your putter a name.
Homer: C'mon, give it a name.
Bart: Mister Putter.
Homer: D'oh... You wanna try a little harder son? C'mon give it a girl's name.
Homer: Your putter's name is Charlene!
Homer: It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes staring at it. And concentrating on how much you hate him, and how glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him!
Bart: Who's Charlene?
Homer: (raises the putter, about to wallop Bart with it) I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating!