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Groundskeeper Willie: (grumbling after hearing a narration from To Kiss A Scoundrel) Yeah, whatever happens in a book, it's romantic. But when Willie tries to kiss ye, yer all pepper spray and fingernails.

Homer: Slow down, Picasso! You were gonna start a novel without informing me?
Marge: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!
Homer: I also fed some ducklings.
Marge: I know, I got your message.

Homer: Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby!
Marge: Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
Homer: Oh, I was so close!

Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need some dinner STAT! And the kids need some CPR lessons.
Lisa: We're not paramedics!
Homer: I'll say.

Tom Clancy: Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, Marge Simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time"? Hell, no I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count! Hello. Hello?

Marge: "(to herself)" Hmm, what should I write about? That painting has always sparked my imagination. That's it! A novel about whaling. That's something you haven't seen before. Thank you, "Scene from Moby-Dick."

Marge: (to herself) I'm finished, and it's so suggestive. Well, like they say "snuggling sells."

Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
Homer: Wooh, typed.
Marge: It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think.
Homer: No problem. Aw, 286 pages!
Marge: It's double spaced.
Homer: Woohoo! I'm half-way through!

Homer: How can you write such horrible things about me?
Marge: You told me you liked it! You didn't read it at all! You lied to me!
Homer: I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth.

Temperance: I must remember my wedding vows.
Cyrus: Did you promise to be miserable? To be taken for granted by a drunken lout?
Temperance: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.

Marge: Well?
Homer: Well, what?
Marge: Did you read it?
Homer: [eye bounces left to right twice] Um... yes.
Marge: Did you like it?
Homer: [eye bounces left to right twice] Um... yes.
Marge: Do you think I should publish it?
Homer: You know what I say, publish or perish!

Lisa: I'm proud of you, Mom! But just one thing. Isn't your book a little hard on Dad?
Marge: (laughing nervously) What do you mean? My book is set on whaling times!
Lisa: (reading page) 'Captain Mordecai stared at the shop window full of powdered blowholes. "Mmm...Blowholes," he drooled.' Sounds like Dad to me.
Marge: Well, I guess that part is...loosely based on your father.

[The windsock at Boris' Car Lot is ripped from its platform; it flies away.]
Homer: Awww. He was my only friend.
[Homer gets up on the platform and "performs" in the windsock's place.]

[Homer is driving the ambulance with Comic Book Guy, who is clutching his chest, in the back.]
Homer: So, where to, my friend?
Comic Book Guy: For the third time: the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
Homer: The hospital, huh? Seems like everyone's going there tonight.

[Homer's driving the ambulance with an unconscious man in the back.]
Homer: [to the unconscious man] So, how much bleach did you drink? [beat] Not a talker, eh?

Lisa: If Dad ever reads that book he's gonna be so humiliated!
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make it into a movie?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they parody it on MADtv?
Bart: We're doomed!

Lisa: Maybe you should let Dad read your book before you submit it to publishers.
Marge: I suppose I'd better. Your father is a very private person.
[Marge looks at a window, seeing a naked Homer checking the mail]
Homer: Marge, we're out of bath towels!
[Homer hears the ice cream truck bell]
Homer: Ooh, ice cream truck!
[runs to the street]

[Moe hears the gossip about Homer and Marge and passes it on]
Moe: Can you believe that Homer and Marge's wedding is just a sham? Alright, I'll order. I'll have a medium pepperoni. And can you space out the meat so it spells "Happy Birthday Moe"? [cries] Oh GOD, I'm alone!

Marge: Well, what do you think?
Lisa: Hmm.
[The camera zooms into her brain]
Lisa's Jealousy: I can't believe Mom wrote a book before we did.
Lisa's Honesty: And it's a little trashy.
Lisa's Conscience: Mom has expressed herself. We should nurture her.
Lisa's Libido: Let's kiss boys! Binge and purge! ROCK 'N' ROLL!
Lisa's Conscience: You're not getting out until we're 16.
Lisa's Libido: [growls]
[The camera zooms out of Lisa's brain]


Season 14 Season 15 Quotes Season 16
Treehouse of Horror XIVMy Mother the CarjackerThe President Wore PearlsThe Regina MonologuesThe Fat and the FurriestToday, I Am a Clown'Tis the Fifteenth SeasonMarge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens and GaysI, D'oh-BotDiatribe of a Mad HousewifeMargical History TourMilhouse Doesn't Live Here AnymoreSmart and SmarterThe Ziff Who Came to DinnerCo-Dependent's DayThe Wandering JuvieMy Big Fat Geek WeddingCatch 'Em if You CanSimple SimpsonThe Way We Weren'tBart-Mangled BannerFraudcast News
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