Homer: Okay, kids. Give me your best worried looks. Ooh, that's good worried. Maggie, when we visit Gil, you should think about your mom and me disappearing forever, every time we step behind a wall.
Lisa: Mr. Gunderson, they don't let saxophones in the ICU, so I'll just tell you the song I wrote for you. B flat, C, D flat, B flat, B, Long E.
Adolphe Sax: "Adolf", a name that will only be associated with beautiful music.
[Homer is in court]
Lawyer: People love dogs. This could be out key to winning this case.
Homer: You're on my side, right?
Lawyer: I am.
Homer: Woo hoo!
[Bart steps up to the stand]
Lawyer: Now, go ahead, son. You tell us how you got your dog.
Bart: [in a poor British accent] It was Christmas, sir. We saved him and he saved us. Now we love the dog, and the dog gives us all the love we could handle. Love.
[The jury murmurs in admiration]
Lawyer: Could the stenographer read that last part back with sentimental music?
Stenographer: The dog gives us all the love we could handle. Love.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Ladies and gentlemen, this man is a human being, just like you or me. Surely, his life has more value than some creature that scoots its buttocks along the ground.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Or-or gets its head stuck in an empty pickle jar.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: OR WALKS ON A HOT SIDEWALK IN A WAY THAT SUGGESTS IT'S DANCING?
[Santa's Little Helper helps win the court case for Homer]
Homer: I have never been more glad that I didn't hit you with my car, secretly bury you, get another greyhound, paint it your exact coloring, then realize it's a girl, stick on a fake wang and pretend that she's you for however long dogs live.
Kent Brockman: What's your take on all this, Anger Watkins?
Anger Watkins: I'm angrier than a beehive in a paint mixer. This is the craziest legal decision ever made outside of Arizona. What's next? Cats get credit cards? Let a snail race in the Indy 500? Like that stupid movie Turbo? I tried to inhale nitrous oxide to get fast. I ended up naked behind an appliance store! Lies! Lies!! Lies!!!
Mayor Quimby: Look at all those voters. What is our current position on dogs?
Secretary: We currently have a city employee who rounds them up and puts them to sleep.
Mayor Quimby: What? I can't believe such a jerk would even be elected dog catcher! From this point, forth, this town will be known as the dog-loving capital of the world. That will put Springfield on the map.
Secretary: Yeah, why aren't we on the map?
Mayor Quimby: I don't know. I made like 20 calls to Rand McNally. They don't even know what state we're in.
[Homer pushes Snowball V over to Santa's Little Helper]
Homer: Ooh, come on, girl.
[Snowball V scratches Homer]
Homer: OW! Come on. Get him by the collar. You can do it.
[Snowball bites Homer]
Homer: Ow. Don't bite me! [Homer tries to get Snowball V's paw on Santa's Little Helper's collar] Come on. Pull! Come on!
Lisa: Dad, we don't have time for this.
Homer: Quiet, I'm doing something important.
[Homer gets Snowball V's claw into Santa's Little Helper's collar and uses her to drag him through the pet door]
Homer: There you go, that's it. Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.
Bart: Worth it.
Lisa: Totally worth it.
Homer: I know.
Homer: Kids, lower the Purge armor.
Lisa: We don't have any Purge armor.
Homer: Oh, right. I always mean to buy it the day after The Purge, when it's cheaper.
Marge: What Happened?
Homer: The dogs have gone savage! They've taken over the town!
Bart: Resist the call of the wild. Like I did, when they assigned that book for summer reading.
Barney: I thought I was the town failure.
Moe: You're not even that.
[Marge calls Grandpa over the phone]
Marge: Grandpa, I called to make sure the kids are okay.
Grandpa: They're not okay! The boy's got sass and the girl thinks she's Queen of the May. You leave them with me and I'll straighten them out.