Don't Fear the Roofer
The Heartbroke Kid
Homer: How did it come to this? I'm the first man ever to feel depressed in a bar. I don't have a friend in the world.
(A shatter voice speaks)
Voice: (smiling) Look at the size of that nacho plate! (It's Ray Magini, in orange shirt and black trousers and black boots)
Ray: I haven't seen this much melted cheese since I left my Billy Joel albums out in the sun.
Homer: (surprised) HUH?! (starts laughing) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! The sun.
Ray: Hey, you want to split this?
Homer: Wow. It's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pig I am. (They start to eat) Mine! Move your head! I can't take it!
Ray: Hey. My name is Ray (Ray Magini). (shakes Homer's hand)
Homer: Ray, you know mean better than everyone. How could I get my wife to love me again?
Ray: It's me, I'm a MARGE-calculator. Just likes it and Bottom-roofer.
(Homer thoughts it's Simpsons' house (plus) Ray Magini (equal) Marge is so happy)
Homer: Ray, would you help me fix my roof?
Ray: Sure, I'll help it! I had a one citation. (He holds the jug full of beer) You could help me finish the picture of beer?

Marge: I'm going to take the dog to the V-E-T.
Santa's Little Helper: Huh?
Marge: Then I'm going to take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D.
Bart: Huh?
Marge: Uh...I'll tell you what it means when it's over.

(Homer annoys Dr. Hibbert by eating his mouth guard before being given shock therapy)
Homer: Sorry. Give me one that doesn't taste so delicious.
Dr. Hibbert: That was rubber covered in Vaseline.
Homer: Marge, write that down so we can have it at home.

(Homer walks down the street in sorrow)
Homer: Stupid Homer-hating family. At least there's only one place I'm always welcome.
Barflies: (singing) For he's a jolly good fellow...
Homer: Aw, guys. This is just what I needed.
Moe: This ain't for you, sweat stain. It's a surprise party for Lenny thrown by his closest friends.
Homer: So what's Stephen Hawking doing here?
Hawking: I live here now. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesar's down the street. (He says "Pizza-pizza" until he fixes the button) Sorry, that button sticks.
Homer: So why didn't you invite me?
Carl: We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'd spill the beans.
Homer: I wouldn't ruin a surprise for Lenny. (Lenny overhears and opens the door)
Lenny: Surprise? What surprise? (Everybody blow their horns and get disappointed)
Barney: Way to go, Homer!
Moe: Ugh, six years' planning down the drain! (he throws down his party hat)
Homer: I'm sorry. I'll just sit over here until you stop being mad at me. (He sits on a stool which turned out to be a cake and ruins it)
Carl: Oh, great, Homer! I bake a cake shaped like Lenny's favorite barstool, and you wreck it!
(Homer is still feeling depressed, Lenny, Carl, Hawking and others glaring at him)
Homer: (sadly) Well, I can see I'm not wanted here. (He stands up and walks towards the door)
Moe: Wait, Homer! Don't go. (He cleans Homer's bottom with his knife over splatted cake) Okay, beat it! (shoves Homer out the door) Who wants ass frosting?
Hawking: No thanks. I'm on Atkins.

Marge: How 'ya feelin', sweetie?
Homer: Much better.
Dr. Hibbert: Do you see anyone here who isn't here?
Homer: Nope, just you, Marge & Yogi Bear. HA, kidding!
Dr. Hibbert: Well, I see your sense of humor is not affected. That's a very bad sign... (Electrocutes Homer again)

Dr. Hibbert: (worried) Homer, can I please get knocked off?! I got surgery in the morning!
Homer: (still angrily) Not until those gutters are clean, you don't! (Dr. Hibbert grumbles)
Ray: So, as I was saying, Homer, Mondays, 9 o' clock, CBS. They say everybody loves that guy, but I don't get it.
Homer: (puzzled) What are you talking about?
Ray: Eh, I'm just saying, catch it while you still can.
(Both Ray and Homer laugh as the camera slowly zooms out the shot of them sitting on the roof. They start talking again as the end credits start)
Homer: What time's this show on?
Ray: At Monday, 9 o' clock, CBS.
Homer: And, what's the network?
Ray: CBS.
Homer: At what time?
Ray: 9 o' clock.
Homer: And if I wanna watch it, what day?
Ray: Monday. Monday, 9 o' clock.
Homer: And, this is on the radio?
Ray: No, it's television. Mondays at 9 on CBS.
Homer: And if I wanna see it, what time should I watch it?
Ray: 9 o' clock.
Homer: On what channel?
Ray: CBS.
Homer: What day?
Ray: Monday.
Homer: On the radio?
Ray: Television.
Homer: Turn the television to what channel?
Ray: CBS.
Homer: At what time?
Ray: 9 o' clock on Monday.
Homer: Now, if I wanted to see it on a certain day, what would be the best day to see it?
Ray: It's only on a Monday.
Homer: And what time would be a good time...
Ray: (Homer: ...to watch it?) 9 o' clock, from 9 to 9:30.
Homer: So If I turn my radio on at 9 o' clock...
Ray: Not the radio, television.
Homer: So it's Mondays at 9 on NBC.
Ray: CBS.
Homer: CBS.
Ray: 9 o' clock.
Homer: On the radio.
Ray: Television.
Homer: Television at 3 o' clock.
Hawking: (Gracie Films logo plays, and right after the shush, Stephen Hawking says the following) And we're done.

(Homer and his family discovers that Ray is real)
Homer: So Ray does exist?
Ray: That's right! now let's explore the improbable series of events which led to this amusing yet tragic farce.
Knockers Bar Man: On the count of my eyepad, I couldn't see Ray sitting at the bar. All I saw was you, eating and drinking and talking to yourself.
Ray: And Ned, you didn't see me because I was hiding behind the chimney.
Ned: Oh, Jez, I thought my vision was perfect and here I was, worshiping false eyeballs.
Bart: Wait, wait wait wait. How come at builders' barn I saw Homer talking to thin air?
Ray: Well, that... hmm...
Stephen Hawking: I can answer that! (Enters the room) I've been tracking a tear on the texture of space-time which combined with airborne pieces of metal at Builders' Barn to create a miniature black hole. this abnormal lead interposed itself between Homer and Bart causing a gravitational lens which absorbed the light reflected from Ray the roofer. (Everybody look at Lisa)
Lisa: That seems... Feasible. (Everybody celebrates)
Marge: Wait! There's still one last thing that doesn't makes sense! (To Ray) Why did you started fixing our roof and just disappear?
Ray: That's easy! I'm a contractor. (Everyone laughs)

(Doctor Hibbert shows pictures to test Homer's reality, starts off with a picture of Marge)
Homer: Real.
(Doctor Hibbert flips picture of Marge down to show a picture of Itchy and Scratchy)
Homer: Not real.
(Doctor Hibbert flips picture of Itchy and Scratchy down to show a picture of Bart)
Homer: Real.
(Doctor Hibbert flips picture of Bart down to show a picture of Robin Hood)
Homer: Real.
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, sorry Homer, but recent historical evidence indicates that Robin Hood did not actually exist.
(Doctor Hibbert uses electroshock on Homer again)
Homer: (electrocuted) Fascinating!

Season 15 Season 16 Quotes Season 17
Treehouse of Horror XVAll's Fair in Oven WarSleeping with the EnemyShe Used to Be My GirlFat Man and Little BoyMidnight RxMommie BeerestHomer and Ned's Hail Mary PassPranksta RapThere's Something About MarryingOn a Clear Day I Can't See My SisterGoo Goo Gai PanMobile HomerThe Seven-Beer SnitchFuture-DramaDon't Fear the RooferThe Heartbroke KidA Star is TornThank God It's DoomsdayHome Away from HomerThe Father, the Son and the Holy Guest Star
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