Don't Fear the Roofer/Quotes

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◄ Future-Drama

Don't Fear the Roofer

The Heartbroke Kid ►

Homer: How did it come to this? I'm the first man ever to feel depressed in a bar. I don't have a friend in the world.

(A shatter voice speaks)

Voice: (smiling) Look at the size of that nacho plate! (It's Ray Magini, in orange shirt and black trousers and black boots)

Ray: I haven't seen this much melted cheese since I left my Billy Joel albums out in the sun.

Homer: (surprised) HUH?! (starts laughing) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! The sun.

Ray: Hey, you want to split this?

Homer: Wow. It's been so long since I've been with someone who doesn't know what a selfish pig I am. (They starts to eat) Mine! Move your head! I can't take it!

Ray: Hey. My name is Ray (Ray Magini). (shakes Homer's hand)

Homer: Ray, you know mean better than everyone. How could get my wife to love me again?

Ray: It's me, I'm a MARGE-calculator. Just likes it and Bottom-roofer.

(Homer thoughts it's Simsons' house (plus) Ray Magini (equal) Marge is so happy)

Homer: Ray! would you help me fix my roof?

Ray: Sure, i'll help it! I had a one citation (He holds the jug full of beer) You could help finish the picture of beer?

---

Marge: I'm going to take the dog to the V-E-T.

Santa's Little Helper: Huh?

Marge: Then I'm going to take Bart to get C-I-R-C-U-M-C-I-S-E-D.

Bart: Huh?

Marge: Uh...I'll tell you what it means when it's over.

---

(Homer annoys Dr. Hibbert by eating his mouth guard before being given shock therapy)

Homer: Sorry. Give me one that doesn't taste so delicious.

Dr. Hibbert: That was rubber covered in Vaseline.

Homer: Marge, write that down so we can have it at home.

---

(Homer walking Springfield street)

Homer: Stupid Homer-hating family. At least there's one place I'm always welcome.

Barflies: (singing) For he's a jolly good fellow...

Homer: Aw, guys. This is just what I needed.

Moe: This ain't for you, sweat stain. It's a surprise party for Lenny thrown by his closest friends.

Homer: So what's Stephen Hawking doing here?

Hawking: I live here know. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesar's down the street. (It says "Pizza-pizza" four times) Sorry, that button sticks.

Homer: So why didn't you invite me?

Carl: We couldn't tell you ahead of time, because you'd spill the beans.

Homer: (feel gloomy) I wouldn't ruin a surprise for Lenny. (Lenny opens the door)

Lenny: Surprise? What surprise? (Everybody blows the horns and get disappointed)

Barney: (to Homer, glaring) Way the go, Homer!

Moe: (angrily) Ugh, six years' planning down the drain!

Homer: (meek, defeated) I'm sorry. I'll just sit over here until you stop being mad at me. (He sits on a fake stool and ruins it)

Carl: (furious) Oh great, Homer! I bake a cake shaped like Lenny's favorite barstool, and you wreck it.

(Homer is still feeling depressed, Lenny, Carl, Hawking and others glaring at him)

Homer: (sadly) Well, I can see I'm not wanted here. (He stands up and walks)

Moe: Wait, Homer! Don't go. (He cleans Homer's bottom with his knife over splatted cake) Okay, Beat it! Who wants ass frosting?

Hawking: No thanks, I'm on Atkins.

---

Dr. Hibbert: (worried) Homer, can I please knock off?! I got surgey in the morning!

Homer: (still angrily) At look that sky, clean! You don't! (Dr. Hibbert grumbles)

Ray: So as I was saying Homer, Mondays 9:00 CBS. They say everybody loves that guy but I don't get it.

Homer: (puzzled) What are you talking about?!

Ray: I'm just saying, catch it while you still can.

Homer: What time's this show on?

Ray: Monday 9:00 CBS

Homer: And what's the network?

Ray: CBS

Homer: At what time?

Ray: 9:00

Homer: And if I wanna watch it what day?

Ray: Monday. Monday 9:00

Homer: And this is on the radio?

Ray: No it's television Mondays at 9 on CBS

Homer: And if I wanna see it what time should I watch it?

Ray: 9:00

Homer: On what channel?

Ray: CBS.

Homer: What day?

Ray: Monday.

Homer: On the radio?

Ray: Television.

Homer: Turn the television to what channel?

Ray: CBS

Homer: At what time?

Ray: 9:00 on Monday.

Homer: Now If I wanted to see it on a certain day what would be the best day to see it?

Ray: It's only on a Monday.

Homer: And what time would be a good time..

Ray: 9:00, from 9 to 9:30.

Homer: So If I turn my radio on at 9:00?

Ray: Not the radio, television.

Homer: So it's Mondays at 9 on NBC?

Ray: CBS.

Homer: CBS.

Ray: 9:00

Homer: On the radio?

Ray: Television.

Homer: Television at 3:00.

Hawking: And we're done.

---

(Homer and his family discovers that Ray is real)

Homer: So Ray does exist?

Ray: That's right! now let's explore the improbable series of events wich led to this amusing yet tragic farse.

Knockers Bar Man: On the count of my eyepad, I coudn't see Ray sitting at the bar. All I saw was you, eating and drinking and talking to yourself.

Ray: And Ned, you didn't see me because I was hidding behind the chimney.

Ned: Oh, Jez, I tought my vision was perfect and here I was, worshiping false eyeballs.

Bart: Wait, wait wait wait. How come at builders' barn I saw Homer talking to thin air?

Ray: Well, that... hmm...

Stephen Hawking: I can answer that! (Enters the room) I've been tracking a tear on the texture of space-time wich combined with airborne pieces of metal at Builders' Barn to create a miniature black hole. this abnormal lead interposed itself between Homer and Bart causing a gravitational lens wich absorved the light reflected from Ray the roofer. (Everybody look at Lisa)

Lisa: That seems... Feasible. (Everybody celebrates)

Marge: Wait! There's still one last thing that doesn't makes sence! (To Ray) Why did you started fixing our roof and just disappear?

Ray: That's easy! I'm a contractor (Everyone laughs)