Fat Tony: In the strip club of my heart, you held the key to the champagne room. I loved you, man.
(Fat Tony has a Heart Attack. FBI Agents and Police arrive. A Female FBI Agent checks Fat Tony's pulse)
Female FBI Agent: He's dead.
Homer: No...you're wrong...Check again!
FBI Agent: Forget about it.
(Homer's wig catches fire. Homer sobs, looks at his wig, stops sobbing and starts screaming.)
Fat Tony: I hope Heaven's powder room is painted that eggshell blue you could never achieve on Earth.
FBI Agent: You will be known as Nicky "Bluepants" Altosaxophony.
Homer: Can I keep the name after I'm done?
FBI Agent: No. It belongs to the government.
Homer: Wow, I've never seen a mobster use a track suit for exercising.
Lunch lady: You know this is made from rancid pigeons?
Homer: Just get the ladle down there deep. That's where the beaks are.
Luigi: (to Fat Tony) So, what do you think of the sauce?
Fat Tony: I detect a distant lack of oregano.
Homer: I'll take care of this (pulls out a can of oregano and puts it on Tony's pasta)
Fat Tony: (to Homer) You carry oregano with you?
Homer: Oregano, basil, rosemary.
Louie: (to Fat Tony) I-I think I got a ketchup packet for you, boss.
Fat Tony: (to Louie) Did you order french fries and not use it?
Louie: Well, they gave two packets but I only needed one!
Fat Tony: (angry) What other secrets have you been hiding from me?
Louie: I-I-I-I bring my own candy to the movie theatre.
Fat Tony: Louie......
Homer: Poor Tony. He didn't deserve this. He was just a solider in a war he started.
Fat Tony: To heterosexual male friendship. The kind the ancient Greeks wrote about.
Krusty: If Jews control the media, why can't I get on Jimmy Kimmel?
Bart: Ugh, I don't even want to smell sparkling apple juice again.
Moe: Eh, it was either this or put in a ladies' room.
(Homer's stint as a Mob informant has indirectly led to Fat Tony's death)
FBI agent: Homer, I just want you to know that, out of all the informants the FBI has ever had, you were the snitchiest.
Homer: (bitterly) Oh, I see. You use me to kill a man, and all I get is a handshake and a blanket!
FBI agent: I never shook your hand.
Other FBI agent: And we never said you could have the blanket. (takes the blanket away)
Fit Tony: Homer, it is time... to set your elliptical machine to cool-down mode.
(Homer is talking with "Fit Tony", Fat Tony's cousin)
Homer: Wow, the killers have been kind to me...while the people who are supposed to protect me treated me like dirt! What kind of a world is this?
Fit Tony: It's pretty screwed up, that's why I keep my friends close...
Homer: And your enemies closer?
Fit Tony: No! Why would I do that? If I they were close, they would kill me!
Homer: Since when is all this against the law?
Wiggum: Since today. As of Jan one, a bunch of new ordinances with, uh, outrageous penalties, took effect.
Homer: Oh I get it. The government runs out of money so they pass a bunch of lame-o laws to sock it to the little guy.
Wiggum: Fine. You’re telling it like it is. Also a crime now. And that one’s going to cost you.
Homer: I want you to be on your good behavior.
Bart: We're the Simpsons, dad. We don't do good behavior.
Homer: Don't tell me I'm not capable of good behavior! (strangling Bart and grunting in the courtroom, then stops) Your Honor, may I request the sidebar?
