Moe: (upon hearing his player's club card is maxed out) Well, that's it. It's over. Renee ain't gonna want to hang around with no Joe Pinchpenny.
Homer: Come on, Moe. Think of all the things you have to offer her besides money.
Moe: I need cash, and fast!
Moe: It's been four years since my last date with a whatchoo-call-it, uh, woman.
Moe: Oh, Homer! I've been the world's biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me?
Homer: Aww, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk!
Homer: (menacingly) Must kill Moe. (childishly riding the book mobile) Whee! (menacingly again) Must kill Moe! (childishly riding the book mobile again) WHEE!
Moe: Renee, there's something I gotta tell ya.
Renee: Oh no. You're gay, aren't you? Oh boy, Renee, you sure can pick 'em!
Moe: Nah, it ain't that.
Renee: What, so you're married?
Moe: No, no! I--Hey, why did you say gay first?
Moe: Homer, I insist you steal that car.
Homer:I'll do it!
Moe:Okay, here's the plan. This model car represents my car, huh? And this olive is you. Now--(Homer eats the olive) Hey, hey! Aw, that's great. Now the car's gonna have to represent you, and, uh, this little toy man will represent the car.
Homer: Hmm, I don't know… I can just imagine what Marge would say!
Marge: (In Homer's imagination) Homer, I insist you steal that car!
Homer: I'll do it!
Renee: Really? You think I'm gorgeous?
Moe: Yeah, well, the part that's showin'. Guess you could have a lotta weird scars or a fake ass or somethin'.
Renee: You don't talk to a lot of women, do you?
Moe: No girl wants to end up with a Joe Pukepail like me.
Homer: Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe! You're a fabulous catch!
Moe: Oh yeah? Well how come I ain't fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick?
Homer: Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness, but that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman. C'mon! We're going to the darkest bar in town!
(In the club, Brick House by the Commodores is playing)
Moe: You look pretty clean, may I have this dance?
Brunette Woman: All yours.
(The woman walks away from Moe, who then spots a blonde woman at a table)
Blonde Woman: Hi!
Moe: May I sit down?
Blonde Woman: Sure! Would you care to join me for a Bacardi & Coke?
Blonde Woman: Or how about a Bacardi on the rocks? Because Bacardi makes the night come alive!
Moe: Do you work for Bacardi?
Blonde Woman: (sarcastic) No, I am madly in love with you. (Slaps a "Drink Rum" sticker on his forehead)
(Homer makes a toast.)
Homer: To Marge, and all the blissful years I spent hiding from her in this bar.
Homer: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath!
Bart: Yeah, Mom says a lot of things.
Homer: Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man.
Moe: Sabu, I need another magnum of your best champagne here, eh? And bring us the finest food you got, stuffed with the second finest!
Waiter: Exzellent, zir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.
Bart: Hey, there's a balloon machine in the bathroom!
Marge: Kids, from now on, I don't want you touching anything in our house!
Homer: (to Moe) Whatever happened to your mail order bride?
Moe: Ohh, she got homesick for her old life; diving for tourist pennies in a Micronesian swamp.
Homer: So her career got in the way.
Moe: (to Renee) Hot damn! Right, don't eat nothin' for the next three days, 'cause I'm taking you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat!
Lou: Simpson! You have visitors.
Marge: Homer, did you really steal a car?
Homer: Whoa! Hang on a minute. The guard said I had visitors coming!
Lisa: Dad, we're the visitors!
Homer: Oh... Oh... Oh! Oh, great!
Moe: So, like a coward, I let Homer take the rap for the whole scam. And now the only way to clear him is to turn myself in.
Renee: I-I don't know what to say. I'm shocked. I mean, you broke the law and betrayed a friend.
Moe: Yeah, you're right. You shouldn't be wasting your time with a lowlife like me.
Renee: Moe, don't say that. You made a mistake. But at least you're trying to set things straight.
Moe: Yeah, that's true. That's true, baby. It'll be hell being locked away from you but I guess I gotta take my medicine. Unless- Unless I send a letter to the police clearing Homer.
Moe: Then we go to the graveyard and steal two corpses.
Renee: Oh, my God.
Moe: We switch clothes with 'em and leave them in the bar. Then we pour some brandy around, like so. (he starts pouring it on the bar).
Renee: Yeah, would you hand me my keys?
Moe (giving keys): Uh, yeah. Here you go...Then we light a match. And fwoof! We start a new life in Hawaii!
Renee: Goodbye, Moe.
Moe: Where you going, baby? You going to find the corpses?
Renee (rolls eyes): Yes, Moe, I'm going to find corpses.
Marge: (to Homer as he's dressed in black) Why all the black?
Homer: Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?
Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer: No, you look a little nervous, Lisa!
Bart: You're up to something, aren't ya?
Homer: (standing up) No! I'm just going out to commit certain deeds. (from outside the room, still within earshot) Suckers.
Chief Wiggum: (to Homer) Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.
Barney: (after seeing the tavern on fire) Moe! Homer! (screams) The booze!!
Eddie (rattling baton through cells): Ten minutes til fresh air and exercise! (Homer screams)
Moe: Oh come on Homer, I'm one of your dearest friends! When everybody said you were to drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys?
Homer: Awww... You did.
Homer: Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii?! Am I going to Hawaii?
Chief Wiggum: (knocks on Homer's cell bars with a nightstick) Stop saying Hawaii in there!
(Chief Wiggum notices Moe's car rolling down on the hill to the shore)
Wiggum: Hey Moe! Isn't that your car up there, with the rubber hippy daisy? The one that was parked in 7A?
Moe: HEY!! (begins acting) Hey, what's it doing there? It was supposed to be on the railroad tracks.. (slaps forehead) no, I mean.. the parking lot. (under his breath) Homer, you moron!
Homer: (driving the car) Homer, you genius! (laughs) GERONIMO! (gets out from the car, only to roll back in thanks to a slopped rock) Huh? (the car falls off the cliff) AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
Bart: Well, in the meantime here's a carton of smokes you can use to buy stuff.
Homer: Aw, thanks, boy. I'll give you two packs for that candy bar!
Homer: WHY YOU LITTLE!!!! (starts strangling Bart)
(Moe tries to put out the fire with his extinguisher until Homer arrives to confront him for his betrayal)
Homer: (angrily) YOU!!
Moe: (desperate) Homer, thank God! You gotta help me here!
Homer: Oh, I'll help you..... (grabs a flaming torch) ....HELP YOU DIE!!! AAARGH!! (charges at Moe by swinging the torch, but Moe dodges the swing)
Moe: (getting furious) Oh, that's it! You're GOING DOWN, PAL!! (swings his extinguisher at Homer, who dodges it, and they both start to cough due to smoke inhalation) Oh... boy...... I really wanna sleep.
Homer: Uhhh, I..... also sleep. Goodnight, mommy. (both he and Moe succumb to the smoke inhalation)