The Last Temptation of Krust
Dumbbell Indemnity
Lisa the Simpson
Moe: (upon hearing his player's club card is maxed out) Well, that's it. It's over. Renee ain't gonna want to hang around with no Joe Pinchpenny.
Homer: Come on, Moe. Think of all the things you have to offer her besides money.
Moe: I need cash, and fast!

Moe: It's been four years since my last date with a whatchoo-call-it, uh, woman.

Moe: Oh, Homer! I've been the world's biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me?
Homer: Aww, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk!

Homer: (menacingly) Must kill Moe. (childishly riding the book mobile) Whee! (menacingly again) Must kill Moe! (childishly riding the book mobile again) WHEE!

Moe: Renee, there's something I gotta tell ya.
Renee: Oh no. You're gay, aren't you? Oh boy, Renee, you sure can pick 'em!
Moe: Nah, it ain't that.
Renee: What, so you're married?
Moe: No, no! I--Hey, why did you say gay first?

Moe: Homer, I insist you steal that car.
Homer:I'll do it!
Moe:Okay, here's the plan. This model car represents my car, huh? And this olive is you. Now--(Homer eats the olive) Hey, hey! Aw, that's great. Now the car's gonna have to represent you, and, uh, this little toy man will represent the car.

Homer: Hmm, I don't know… I can just imagine what Marge would say!
Marge: (In Homer's imagination) Homer, I insist you steal that car!
Homer: I'll do it!

Renee: Really? You think I'm gorgeous?
Moe: Yeah, well, the part that's showin'. Guess you could have a lotta weird scars or a fake ass or somethin'.
Renee: You don't talk to a lot of women, do you?

Moe: No girl wants to end up with a Joe Pukepail like me.
Homer: Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe! You're a fabulous catch!
Moe: Oh yeah? Well how come I ain't fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick?
Homer: Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness, but that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman. C'mon! We're going to the darkest bar in town!

(In the club, Brick House by the Commodores is playing)
Moe: You look pretty clean, may I have this dance?
Brunette Woman: All yours.
(The woman walks away from Moe, who then spots a blonde woman at a table)
Moe: Hello.
Blonde Woman: Hi!
Moe: May I sit down?
Blonde Woman: Sure! Would you care to join me for a Bacardi & Coke?
Moe: Okay!
Blonde Woman: Or how about a Bacardi on the rocks? Because Bacardi makes the night come alive!
Moe: Do you work for Bacardi?
Blonde Woman: (sarcastic) No, I am madly in love with you. (Slaps a "Drink Rum" sticker on his forehead)

(Homer makes a toast.)
Homer: To Marge, and all the blissful years I spent hiding from her in this bar.

Homer: Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath!
Bart: Yeah, Mom says a lot of things.
Homer: Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man.

Moe: Sabu, I need another magnum of your best champagne here, eh? And bring us the finest food you got, stuffed with the second finest!
Waiter: Exzellent, zir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.

Bart: Hey, there's a balloon machine in the bathroom!
Marge: Kids, from now on, I don't want you touching anything in our house!

Homer: (to Moe) Whatever happened to your mail order bride?
Moe: Ohh, she got homesick for her old life; diving for tourist pennies in a Micronesian swamp.
Homer: So her career got in the way.

Moe: (to Renee) Hot damn! Right, don't eat nothin' for the next three days, 'cause I'm taking you out for a steak the size of a toilet seat!

Lou: Simpson! You have visitors.
Marge: Homer, did you really steal a car?
Homer: Whoa! Hang on a minute. The guard said I had visitors coming!
Lisa: Dad, we're the visitors!
Homer: Oh... Oh... Oh! Oh, great!

Moe: So, like a coward, I let Homer take the rap for the whole scam. And now the only way to clear him is to turn myself in.
Renee: I-I don't know what to say. I'm shocked. I mean, you broke the law and betrayed a friend.
Moe: Yeah, you're right. You shouldn't be wasting your time with a lowlife like me.
Renee: Moe, don't say that. You made a mistake. But at least you're trying to set things straight.
Moe: Yeah, that's true. That's true, baby. It'll be hell being locked away from you but I guess I gotta take my medicine. Unless- Unless I send a letter to the police clearing Homer.
Renee: Yeah?
Moe: Then we go to the graveyard and steal two corpses.
Renee: Oh, my God.
Moe: We switch clothes with 'em and leave them in the bar. Then we pour some brandy around, like so. (he starts pouring it on the bar).
Renee: Yeah, would you hand me my keys?
Moe (giving keys): Uh, yeah. Here you go...Then we light a match. And fwoof! We start a new life in Hawaii!
Renee: Goodbye, Moe.
Moe: Where you going, baby? You going to find the corpses?
Renee (rolls eyes): Yes, Moe, I'm going to find corpses.

Marge: (to Homer as he's dressed in black) Why all the black?
Homer: Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?
Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer: No, you look a little nervous, Lisa!
Bart: You're up to something, aren't ya?
Homer: (standing up) No! I'm just going out to commit certain deeds. (from outside the room, still within earshot) Suckers.

Chief Wiggum: (to Homer) Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.

Barney: (after seeing the tavern on fire) Moe! Homer! (screams) The booze!!
Eddie (rattling baton through cells): Ten minutes til fresh air and exercise! (Homer screams)
Moe: Oh come on Homer, I'm one of your dearest friends! When everybody said you were to drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys?
Homer: Awww... You did.

Homer: Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii?! Am I going to Hawaii?
Chief Wiggum: (knocks on Homer's cell bars with a nightstick) Stop saying Hawaii in there!

(Chief Wiggum notices Moe's car rolling down on the hill to the shore)

Wiggum: Hey Moe! Isn't that your car up there, with the rubber hippy daisy? The one that was parked in 7A?
Moe: HEY!! (begins acting) Hey, what's it doing there? It was supposed to be on the railroad tracks.. (slaps forehead) no, I mean.. the parking lot. (under his breath) Homer, you moron!
Homer: (driving the car) Homer, you genius! (laughs) GERONIMO! (gets out from the car, only to roll back in thanks to a slopped rock) Huh? (the car falls off the cliff) AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

Bart: Well, in the meantime here's a carton of smokes you can use to buy stuff.
Homer: Aw, thanks, boy. I'll give you two packs for that candy bar!
Bart: Three.
Homer: WHY YOU LITTLE!!!! (starts strangling Bart)

(Moe tries to put out the fire with his extinguisher until Homer arrives to confront him for his betrayal)
Homer: (angrily) YOU!!
Moe: (desperate) Homer, thank God! You gotta help me here!
Homer: Oh, I'll help you..... (grabs a flaming torch) ....HELP YOU DIE!!! AAARGH!! (charges at Moe by swinging the torch, but Moe dodges the swing)
Moe: (getting furious) Oh, that's it! You're GOING DOWN, PAL!! (swings his extinguisher at Homer, who dodges it, and they both start to cough due to smoke inhalation) Oh... boy...... I really wanna sleep.
Homer: Uhhh, I..... also sleep. Goodnight, mommy. (both he and Moe succumb to the smoke inhalation)

Season 8 Season 9 Quotes Season 10
The City of New York vs. Homer SimpsonThe Principal and the PauperLisa's SaxTreehouse of Horror VIIIThe Cartridge FamilyBart StarThe Two Mrs. NahasapeemapetilonsLisa the SkepticRealty BitesMiracle on Evergreen TerraceAll Singing, All DancingBart CarnyThe Joy of SectDas BusThe Last Temptation of KrustDumbbell IndemnityLisa the SimpsonThis Little WiggySimpson TideThe Trouble with TrillionsGirly EditionTrash of the TitansKing of the HillLost Our LisaNatural Born Kissers
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