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Faith Off |
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- [Homer is making his float and decorating it with flowers. Ned watches from a distance.]
- Ned: Why, you just picked all my flowers.
- Homer: You can't make a float without flowers.
- Ned: Sure, but did you have to salt the earth so nothing would ever grow again? [holds up a handful of salt, and Homer laughs]
- Homer: [to Brother Faith] Cure me! Cure me!
- Brother Faith: Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.
- Homer: Yeah, and I got a bucket on my head.
- Brother Faith: [Tries to pull the bucket out of Homer's head] Oh my, Satan really jammed that thing on good! I'm gonna need a holy helper. Someone who believes... [Looks at Lisa]
- Lisa: (crosses her arms end legs) No.
- Brother Faith: Okay, moving on! I need someone with the power! [to Bart] This golden-haired little boy. [holds Bart beside Homer] Son, lay hands upon your father's burdensome bucket. [Bart puts his hands on the bucket] Now proclaim, I have the power!
- Bart: [meekly] I have the power.
- Brother Faith: Oh, say it like you mean it, boy! I have the power!
- Bart: I have the power! [Bart successfully pulls the bucket off Homer's head. Everyone gasps]
- Homer: I see the light! It burns!
- Brother Faith: Alleluia! Behold, this child has the power!
- [first lines]
- Homer: [sorting through the mail] Bill, bill, oooh, "Llib"! Eh, wait a minute, "bill"! Huh? "Springfield University Homecoming"? Finally, a chance to relive my golden college years.
- Lisa: Dad, you only took one course.
- Homer: Remember my love affair with Ali McGraw? She used to call me preppy, then she died.
- Game Announcer: Oh doctor, with S.U. behind and seconds left, my supply of homespun sayings is lower than a doodlebug in Aunt Tillie's root cellar, so we'll-Oh, jumpin' crawdaddies! Is that Lubchenko coming back on the field? [The crowd cheers]
- Lisa: Bart did it! And they're going to try for a field goal!
- Marge: A field goal? Hmm, 19, 20, 21... [gasps] That would win the game!
- Milhouse: [without his glasses] Thank you, Bart, for fixing my vision. Now I see with total precision.
- Bart: Song's over, Milhouse, but you're welcome. [Milhouse starts humming to himself as he goes strolling, unaware that he's about to walk into the street]
- Milhouse: Nice doggie. [A moving van accidentally knocks Milhouse down and leaves him unconscious; the driver stops the van]
- Bart: Milhouse!
- Milhouse: [half-consciously] Bury me at Make-Out Creek. [Milhouse passes out]
- Lisa: Bart, I hope you don't believe your own hype.
- Bart: Number of miracles performed by Bart: two. Number performed by Lisa: zero.
- Lisa: How can you believe all this mumbo-jumbo? The bucket came off Dad's head because the bright lights heated it, causing the metal to expand.
- Bart: [scoffing] "Heat makes metal expand". Now who's talking mumbo-jumbo?
- Fat Tony: I wagered a large sum on the performance of that scholar-athlete. [Fat Tony takes out an ice pick with a laser pointer and aims it at Homer's heart]
- Homer: [sobbing] No, wait, I got a kid who's a miracle worker! He'll heal him up real good!
- Fat Tony: Well, he'd better, or else.
- Homer: "Or else" what? [Fat Tony aims his laser-pointer ice pick at Homer again] Oh, right, the ice pick.
- Homer: [runs to Bart's side after Anton Lubchenko is carried out on a stretcher] Bart, I need a miracle!
- Bart: Sorry, Dad, I just can't magically cure a broken leg.
- [Fat Tony appears on the Jumbo-Tron with his laser pointer icepick]
- Homer: Eek! Please, Bart, you've got to use your powers! I'm begging you!
- Dr. Hibbert: [in the locker room with Lubchenko, Homer, and Bart; Lubchenko is moaning from the pain] Son, I'm afraid that leg is...hanging by a thread.
- Anton Lubchenko: Lubchenko must return to game!
- Dr. Hibbert: [chuckles] Oh, your playing days are over, my friend. But you can always fall back on your degree in... [Dr. Hibbert looks at Lubchenko's chart] Communications?! Oh, dear Lord!
- Anton Lubchenko: I know, is phony major! [sobs] Lubchenko learn nothing, nothing!
- Homer: Bart, do your thing.
- Bart: [gulps] Okay, God, if you did give me a power, let it work now. Not just for me, but for my dad. Heal, heal, heal! [Bart waves his fingers over Lubchenko's leg]
- Homer: My old dorm room. [in a sexy voice] Come on baby, let's matriculate.
- Marge: [chuckles] You college boys are only interested in one thing.
- [Homer and Marge kiss and moan passionately; Gary, Doug, and Benjamin enter the room]
- Benjamin: Whoa-oa, you're supposed to hang your necktie on the doorknob if you got a girl in the room.
- Doug: Or a ski hat if you've got a picture of a girl.
- [Doug, Benjamin and Gary laugh]
- Homer: My old roommates, the nerds! Aww...you working?
- Doug: Oh my, yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge. [cough-utters the word "Cyborgs"]
- Benjamin: I invented a program that downloads porn off the internet, one million times faster!
- Marge: Does anybody need that much porno?
- Homer: [drooling lustily] Oh, one million times.
- [Springfield University takes the line of scrimmage to attmept a field goal; Homer and Bart give Lubchenko a thumbs up and Fat Tony takes out his laser pointer icepick; The snap occurs in dramatic slow-motion, Lubchenko kicks the ball, and the field goal appears to fall short of the crossbar, with the crowd moaning in disappointment. Eventually, Lubchenko's calf breaks loose, giving the football an unexpected boost to clear the crossbar and win the game for S.U. The crowd cheers as the referee indicates that the field goal is good]
- Lubchenko: I did it, I did it! [Lubchenko looks down at his leg] My leg, it broke off!
- Fat Tony: [tosses his laser icepick into the air, then runs away] Whoa!
- S.U. Football fan: Yes! [He fights with another fan for possession of Lubchenko's leg, then holds it over his head like a trophy, making air guitar gestures]
- Bart: Then I said, "I have the power", and the bucket came off.
- Students: Cool! Wow!
- Ralph: Can you heal me? I can't breathe good and it makes me sleepy.
- Bart: I'll give it a whirl, Ralphie boy. Devil begone! [Bart slaps Ralph on the forehead]
- Ralph: Ow! [milk and a couple of coins come out of Ralph's nostrils] My milk money! And my milk.
- Students: Eww.
- Milhouse: You did it, Bart!
- Nelson: He really does have the power! Go forth and spread the word! [The students look at each other with hesitation] Spread it!
- [last lines]
- Homer: Poor guy, he lost his leg.
- Dr. Hibbert: No no no, the fans will whoop it up with that leg tonight. You know, drink beer out of it, and so on, but uh, it'll turn up in the morning and I'll sew it back on.
- Marge: Will that really work?
- Dr. Hibbert: Well, I assume so...as long as I have Bart's healing powers.
- Bart: [indignantly] Why won't anybody listen to me? I don't have any special powers! I am not a healer!
- Dr. Hibbert: Fine, more money for me.
- Brother Faith: What affliction beplagues you, my friend?
- [Krusty speaks with an untelligible, raspy voice]
- Brother Faith: Come again?
- Sideshow Mel: He paralyzed his vocal cords, cramming too many "K" sounds into a punch line.
- Brother Faith: Oh mercy, well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do for -- [Brother Faith quickly turns around and suddenly strangles Krusty] Feel the power!
- [Krusty gags]
- Brother Faith: Release this clown!
- Krusty: Have you gone completely farkakte? Hey, I got my comedy "K's" back! King Kong cold-cocked Kato Kaelin. Hey, you Gentiles are all right! [Krusty gives a congratulatory kiss to Brother Faith]
- Bart: Three, two, one, pull!
- [The kids pull an exterminator tent off of a house scheduled for fumigation]
- Milhouse: That exterminator tent will be perfect for your revival meeting. [Milhouse coughs]
- Bart: Hmm, maybe we should air it out a little.
- [Ralph whimpers from the fumes]
- Homer: [grunts] I can't come up with an idea for my homecoming float. Do it for me.
- Lisa: What have you got so far?
- Homer: [flips the paper pages with Moe in a grass skirt and coconut-shell bra, doing the hula] Look at Moe dance!
- Homer: [sings to the tune of "Aloha Oe"] Aloha Moe.
- Lisa: That's nice, but maybe your homecoming float should have something to do with college.
- Homer: Yeah, you're right. [Homer erases the paper and draws Superman fighting Godzilla]
- Lisa: I think Godzilla's bigger than Superman.
- Homer: [scoffs] It's not to scale.
- Milhouse: Okay, Springfield! How many of you are in horrible pain? [The crowd cheers]
- Milhouse: Then put your souls together for Brother...Bart! [Bart enters the tent riding a skateboard and lands on the stage after a somersault leap]
- Bart; Satan, eat my shorts! [The crowd cheers and applauds]
- Bart: [sings as gospel music plays on the electronic organ] I was a sinner, a real bad kid. What thou shalt not, I shalt did. Neighbor's cat I tried to neuter, took a whiz on the school computer.
- Sherri and Terri: [singing] He took a whiz, oh yes he did.
- Bart: [sings] But now I've changed, you can't deny, Come on up, and testify!
- Sherri, Terri: [singing] Testify, testify, Come on up and testify.
- Grampa: My hip's misbehaving.
- Sherri, Terri: [singing] Testify!
- Grampa: [Bart knocks Grampa's cane away] Hey!
- Patty: I got a nicotine craving! [Bart slaps the cigarette out of Patty's mouth without touching her face]
- Audience: [sings] Testify!
- Professor Frink: There's a cramp in my glayvin! [Bart kicks Prof. Frink in his butt]
- Audience: [singing] Testify!
- Professor Frink: Oi!
- Bart: [sings] Testify!
- Grampa, Patty, Professor Frink: Testify! [Bart shoots off hand-held fireworks inside the tent]
- Dean Peterson: And now, let's give a warm alumni welcome - um, you know, clapping - to Springfield University's All-American placekicker: Anton Lubchenko! [the crowd applauds]
- Anton Lubchenko: In home country, growing up in filth, Lubchenko dreams to play USA football. On my father's deathbed, he made me promise to-
- Dean Peterson: Ahem. [Dean Peterson motions for Lubchenko to wrap up his speech]
- Anton Lubchenko: Long story short: Go Springfield U!
- Dean Peterson: Yes, thank you, Anton. Now, folks, a 7 and 5 football season doesn't come cheap, and this is a fundraiser.
- [Homer shrieks]
- Dean Peterson: Seal the exits. [The doors and windows are locked as the Dean starts collecting donations from the guests]
- Dean Peterson: Thank you, thank you. Come on, hurry it up. All right now, let's empty our pockets.
- Homer: [scoffingly] Make me.
- Dean Peterson: Professor Rocco, Chancellor Knuckles. [Rocco and Knuckles start taking money out of Homer's pockets]
- Homer: [in a ticklish voice] Wait, hey-hey, okay...
- Dean Peterson: Get every dime. The Whifflesnuffs need new cummerbunds.
- The Whifflesnuffs: [singing] We look like slobs. [Their cummerbunds break open]
- Homer: I'm beginning to think this alumni party was just a ruse to get our money.
- Benjamin: That dean is going to get an indignant e-mail.
- Doug: You should do it with bold, red letters.
- Gary: My computer has 512 shades of red.
- Homer: Have you nerds forgotten everything I've taught you? This calls for a prank! I see... a bucket.
- Bart: [visiting Milhouse at the Springfield General Hospital] Oh Milhouse, this is my fault. I'm so sorry.
- Milhouse: That's okay. You can just heal me again, right?
- Bart: Oh, I don't think I can.
- Milhouse: Ple-ease? This cast is real itchy and I tried to scratch and the fork got stuck in there and I think there was some food on the fork. [Bart looks and sees ants crawling up Milhouse's bandaged arm]
- Bart: Ugh. Okay, I'll see what I can do. [Bart puts his hands on Milhouse's bandaged arm] Heal... heal...
- [Milhouse's vital signs monitor makes a flatline sound]
- Milhouse: Oh, it always does that. [Milhouse thumps his chest and the monitor is back to normal] Ugh!
- Bart: Milhouse, I can't help you. I am no healer. [Bart leaves Milhouse's room]
- Milhouse: Could you tell my mom I'm here?
- Bart: Excuse me, Brother Faith. I got to know: how did you really get the bucket off my dad's head?
- Brother Faith: Well, I didn't, son, you did. God gave you the power.
- Bart: Really? Hm, I would think he would want to limit my power.
- Brother Faith: [chuckles] Oh, yes, Lord. When I was your age, I was a hell-raiser, too. My slingshot was my cross. But I saw the light and changed my wicked ways.
- Bart: I figure I'll go for the life of sin, followed by the presto change-o deathbed repentance.
- Brother Faith: Wow, that's a good angle. But that's not God's angle! Why not spend your life helping people instead? Then you're also covered in case of sudden death.
- Bart: Full coverage, hmm...
- Homer: [hums to himself, chuckles while putting super glue in a bucket] Oh, this is going to be so great.
- Campus Cop 1: I think I know that guy. He ran over the dean five years ago. Punch up that picture! [The other campus cop adjusts the monitor, showing Homer swallowing a goldfish]
- Campus Cop 1: All right, now age the picture five years. [The other campus cop adjusts the picture, showing Homer with a beard, swallowing a goldfish skeleton]
- Campus Cop 1: That's him. Good work. Now, let's see who's having sex at the library.
- Campus Cop 2: [gets a scrambled picture] Aw, they scrambled it.
- Homer: [hums] Doo-doo-doo-doo...
- Homer: So, when Dean Peterson opens his door, this bucket of super glue is gonna drop right on his head.
- Homer: [opens Dean Peterson's door, only for another bucket of super glue to fall on his head] What the f...? [grunts] Oh, real original! Who did this?
- Kappa Gamma Tau #1: Kappa Gamma Tau!
- Kappa Gamma Tau #2: Last in grades, first in pranks! [They run off laughing]
- Dean Peterson: Good evening, gentlemen.
- Homer: Oh, that's it! You're through, Dean! [Homer charges at the dean, only to run into a statue of the University's founder] Now, who's the dean?
- Bart: [grunts as he tries to remove the bucket from Homer's head] Oh, sorry Dad. It just won't budge.
- Marge: I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat, but your father kept eating it.
- Homer: Oh, couldn't you try a non-delicious fat? [cries] Oh, there's no such thing!
- Dr. Hibbert: Hmm...I'm afraid it's hopeless. Beneath that bucket, he's more glue than man.
- Marge: So, he's stuck like this forever?
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh, now don't fret. These days, the victims of comedy traumas, or "traumedies", can still lead rich, full lives. [Dr. Hibbert pulls up the venetian blinds to reveal a cowboy drinking water, which leaks through holes in his body, a man with a bulldog stuck to his rear walking on a treadmill, and a man with a swordfish in his body reading a book, the guy with a swordfish says "Hi."]
- Dr. Hibbert: [chuckles] Oh, sorry, but these guys crack me up.
- Homer: [sadly] What guys? I want to see the freaks.
- Bart: "Brother Faith's Revival"?
- Female Announcer: Pray for the healing love of...Brother Faith!
- Brother Faith: [comes down on a cloud-shaped platform] Whoo, good Lord! [The crowd cheers] Oh, I feel it in my belly now, Springfield. Mmph! Can you feel the power?
- Crowd: Yes!
- Brother Faith: Do you want to be saved?
- Crowd: Yes!
- Brother Faith: Now, correct me if I'm incorrect, but was I told that it's untrue that people of Springfield have no faith? Was I not misinformed?
- [The crowds murmur in confusion]
- Brother Faith: The answer I'm looking for is "Yes".
- Crowd: Yes!
- Brother Faith: [singing] Now, let's hear it for the Holy Spirit! No need to fear it, just revere it. He works in Heaven, that's 24/7, that's right! Check the Bible, yeah, John 2:11. Jump back, feel it, feel it, woo!
- Bart: Wow, he dances better than Jesus himself!
- Captain McCallister: You're the miracle boy with the healing hands, arrgh... not you?
- Bart: Nah, I don't do that anymore.
- Captain McCallister: So, I guess I'll have to see someone else about my crippling depression. Arrgh...
- Bart: Wow, and I thought he had it all.
- Rev. Lovejoy: In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul instructed them to send ten copies to the Thessalonians and the Ephesians. But the Ephesians broke the chain and were punished by...
- Bart: I got two words for this sermon: [Bart snores and whistles]
- Rev. Lovejoy: Am I boring you, Bart?
- Bart: Well, to be honest: yes.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Hey, I'm doing the best with the material I have.
- Bart: But church can be fun! [The congregation laughs at Bart's remark] No, really! It can be a crazy party with clouds and lasers and miracles...
- Homer: And chili fries!
- Bart: A real preacher knows how to bring the Bible alive, through music and dancing and tae-bo! [Bart starts scat singing and practicing some tae-bo moves while dancing as the congregation cheers]
- Sideshow Mel: He's kicking it old-school!
- Rev. Lovejoy: [dejectedly] Never give them an opening.
- Brother Faith: What ails you, my son?
- Cletus: I done spraint my "elbie" bone, so it goes in the opposite-y di-rection.
- Brother Faith: The power of faith compels you. Heal! [Brother Faith puts his hand on Cletus's forehead and twists his arm] Take that, Satan!
- Cletus: Praise the Lord! [the crowd chants "Hallelujah!"]
- Bart: It was a miracle, and it was gross. Cool!
- Rev. Lovejoy: Perhaps it's time to fight razzle with dazzle. [Lovejoy takes out an ukulele and starts playing "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" even though the guitar isn't connected to an amp]
- Rev. Lovejoy [sings off-key]: Michael row, row, row the boat...
- Todd: Is he killing that ukulele, Daddy?
- Ned: Yes, son.
- Milhouse: My glasses make me look like a geek.
- Bart: [sings as he removes Milhouse's glasses] Now you'll get the girls you seek!
- Sherri, Terri: We'll see you at Make-out Creek! [They kiss Milhouse]
- Revival Tent Congregation Chorus: [sings] Bart's the boy of the hour, he's got the power!
- Moe, Lenny, Carl: [singing] So raise your voice and don't be shy,
- Tent Congregation: Testi-, testi-,
- Bart: [sings] Tes-ti-fy!
- Tent congregation: [singing] Testify, testify, come on up and testify! [song ends]
- Game Announcer: Whoa Nellie, we have ourselves a barn burner today! Welcome to the 117th dust-up between the Snortin' Swine of Springfield A&M and the Springfield University Nittany Tide. Oh-ho doctor, break out the hickory switch.
- Homer: [barbecuing at the stadium] Okay, who needs another lamb rack? [Marge and Bart wave, indicating that they have enough food] Lisa, ham hock, tri-tip?
- Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
- Homer: Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness.
- [the halftime pistol goes off]
- Game Announcer: Now, ladies and gentlemen, pour a little cider on those peepers, 'cause here comes the halftime parade!
- Homer: [gasps] I forgot my float! Quick, pass me down! [Benjamin, Doug and Gary help Homer get to the playing field; Homer giggles as the crowd passes him down]
- Marge: Ooh, there's a homecoming parade, a cocktail party...
- Homer: Then, the homecoming game between Springfield U, and Springfield A&M. [grudgingly] I hate Springfield U. so much!
- Lisa: You went to Springfield U.; you hate A&M.
- Homer: [begrudgingly] Soo much.