Monty Burns' Fleeing Circus
Friends and Family
The Town

Smithers: Come on, sir. You'll be late for your appointment.
Mr. Burns: Hush! No one must know I'm not in perfect mental health. The Kaiser would be furious!

(Mr. Burns walks down the medical complex's hallway)
Doctor 1: Hip joints! Who wants a hip joint?
Doctor 2: Eyeballs! Can't see without your eyeballs!
Doctor 3: Euthanasia! Sweet, sweet euthanasia!
Mr. Burns: Ooh! Can I buy it as a gift?
Doctor 3: No!

Dr. Nussbaum: I believe last week we were discussing your anger issues.
Mr. Burns: (angry) Anger issues? Anger issues? Anger issues? Anger issues?
Dr. Nussbaum: Yeah all right, I'm afraid our fifty minutes are almost up.
Mr. Burns: Sorry. You were saying?

Dr. Nussbaum: Monty, I... I give up.
Mr. Burns: After only seventy years of therapy?
Dr. Nussbaum: You're never gonna change, you... you will never have this! (Shows him a cube with pictures of his family)
Mr. Burns: A cheap piece of plastic with photos of ugly people?
Dr. Nussbaum: That is my family, people who love me!
Mr. Burns: Yes. You're right. I should consider encasing people in plastic. Then I could always see the look of fear in their faces! (chuckles)
Dr. Nussbaum: Yeah, we're finished here. Get out!
Mr. Burns: May I remind you I'm paying you five dollars an hour?
Dr. Nussbaum: Oh! Why did I lock in at that rate?

Mr. Burns: (next to Dr. Nussbaum's body) Hmm. No pulse. Oh, wait, that's me! (grabs the doctor's pulse) Dead. So sad. He was a true friend. (marks "Outlive all friends" on his bucket list) Excellent!

Marge: I can't believe Dr. Nussbaum's dead.
Lisa: Uh... We've had a lot of therapists and... Which one was he again?
Marge: He was the one who helped us communicate.

Maggie: (While everyone on the family is fighting) Maggie talk! Maggie talk! No one listen? Maggie never talk again. (puts her pacifier back in)

Mr. Burns: Stoned. At a funeral.
Otto: Ooh wow! Where's the funeral?

Smithers: I... I didn't mean to hit him, sir.
Mr. Burns: Well, how could a man in his right mind miss a car heading right towards him? (Smithers pushes Burns out of the way of a truck)
Truck Driver: Idiot!

Mr. Burns: (testing the Oculus Frink) Hmm... Not bad. Next?
Smithers: This is still a new technology, sir, at the moment it's really just lots of... pornography, a roller coaster, pornography, pornography, Burger King ad, pornography, and and this one.

Smithers: Oh, sorry, sir. This one is also pornography!

Smithers: Uh, sir, if I might suggest, the last thing your therapist said was, "You need a family".
Mr. Burns: : I don't need anyone! (trips on the wires)
Smithers: We could program a virtual family for you, sir.
Mr. Burns: A virtual family... Yes!

(the Spucklers goes on stage with all of his children)
Smithers: Uh... we only need three children, thanks.
Cletus: Oh, what kind of coal mine you runnin'!?

(the Van Houten go on stage)
Mr. Burns: You! Wife! Look at me lovingly, as if I'm your husband! (Luann looks at Mr. Burns ticked off)
Kirk: Eh... Can you ask for a look of indifference? I think she can do that! Luann, pretend it's my birthday.
Mr. Burns: Next.
Milhouse: You promised me a job, Dad! I was gonna buy a fat Barbie!
Kirk: It's Curvy Barbie. And that would mean you have to buy all new clothes!

(the Simpsons go on stage)
Homer: Uh... this thing says all families in the plant are required to try out.
Mr. Burns: So far so good. Two-and-a-half children, wife with current hairstyle. You're all hired! Except you, fatso. We don't need a father, I'll be the rooster in this henhouse!
Homer: That is so disappointing. I've always wanted to work for Mr. Burns.

Lenny: What's the matter Homer?
Homer: Last night, Marge and the kids didn't get home till eleven at night. When I came back from Moe's at eleven o'five, they were still taking off their coats!
Carl: I hear old man Burns is just living in a fantasy world now.

Mr. Burns: Oh, that was wonderful. I'm picking up your ten-year options!
Marge: Ten years?
Mr. Burns: Oh, now, now, no discussion. We're a family now! (Maggie tries to hug Mr. Burns) Ugh! What is that? A river otter?

Marge: (on the phone with Homer) We're not coming home, Homie.
Homer: What? What do I do without you here?
Marge: You can do what you did with me there: Go to Moe's.
Homer: Uh, it's not the same if I'm not trying to avoid some unpleasant chore.
Marge: Oh. You could clean out the attic...
Homer: Going to Moe's! (hangs up)

Homer: (while laying down naked on the roof) Ah, Snoopy knew what he was doing, all right.
Julia: How you doing?
Homer: Aah!
Julia: Don't worry, I've seen you naked plenty of times. I live in the house behind yours.
Homer: (stands up and hides his crotch with a Frisbee) I don't think my wife would like this.
Julia: Hey, I got a boyfriend. And you're not my type!
Ned: (from his house) Could you both keep it down? I'm trying to count pennies!
Julia: Pft! Stupid Flanders.
Ned: Oh! You made me lose count! (Homer and Julia laugh)
Julia: Homer, it looks like you're out of beer, pal! (Throws a beer can to him)
Homer: (catches the beer can with the Frisbee and hides his crotch with a toy rocket) Wow! Can a man just be friends with a woman?
Julia: Here are some pretzels! (Throws a bag of pretzels to him)
Homer: (drops the toy rocket and grabs the pretzels) Yes he can!

Julia: (gives a beer can to Homer) Have one. I'm celebrating. My boyfriend proposed!
Homer: Wow! You'll get to enjoy the most magical part of married life: the beginning.

Homer: So uh... Where's the lucky guy?
Julia: Gone for the weekend. He's an airline pilot.
Homer: Maybe he and I can go out for beers before a flight.
Julia: Mmm. Where's your wife?
Homer: Uh... She's staying at this billionaire's house working as a virtual reality actress. You know, the usual.

Marge: Oh, Homer? Something's going on with Homer! My spousal sense is tingling.
Lisa: Mom, you blew the take!
Mr. Burns: Okay, that's it. I'll direct, and I'll show you how a pro does it. (points at Lisa) You! daughter character, say you love me!
Lisa: (flatly) I love you.
Mr. Burns: Like you mean it!
Lisa: (flatly) I really love you.
Mr. Burns: Once more, with feeling!
Lisa: (flatly) I... really... love... you. Blech.
Mr. Burns: This girl has no chops whatsoever!
Lisa: The existence of my chops is not for the likes of yo to ascertain, my good sir.
Mr. Burns: Would you like some eggs with that ham?

Carl: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa!! Looks like the old make-out king's got a new queen, huh?
Homer: Guys, we're just friends, It's purely catatonic.
Julia: Platonic.
Homer: That means she's into me, but I'm keeping it cool.
Julia: I like you, but that's not what it means.
Homer: Sure, right. (winks)

Mr. Burns: Everyone out! You're all fired!! Having a family is the most meaningless experience I could imagine.
Lisa: Try acting.
Marge: Come on, kids.
Bart: I'm taking my bathrobe!
Mr. Burns: There's a dye pack stitched in. (Smithers pops the dye pack, painting the bathrobe blue)
Bart: Joke's on you, I like this better! (leaves)
Mr. Burns: Oh go ahead, take your robe! But you'll never work in single-viewer virtual reality family melodrama again!

Homer: Hey guys! It's good to see you!
Marge: Hmm. Good to see you. Who were you talking to?
Homer: My friend Julia.
Lisa: Juli-a? Like a girl?
Homer: She's not a girl, she's three years younger than your mother! (Marge grunts) Now, Marge, it's cool! All we do is share our deepest thoughts and feelings.
Marge: Mm hmm. Kids, could you leave the room, please? (the kids turn around) Faster!

Homer: You'll never hear the name Julia again.
Julia: (enters the house) Hi, I'm Julia! (Marge grunts) I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you you've got a great husband.
Marge: I've got a nice bicycle too, but I keep a lock on it!
Julia: I have no interest in... riding... your bike. But I want you to know that your bike loves you as truly as a bike can.
Homer: And Marge, I love you as much as that bike.
Julia: You are the bike.
Homer: Wha? (Julia leaves)

Marge: I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Apparently, you didn't do anything wrong. But I'm not wrong for getting mad at you either!
Homer: Marge, Julia taught me lots of stuff that could help us. For example, I realize that when you see me doing something stupid and you don't say anything about it, you know, and you're just being nice.
Marge: That's true.
Homer: And when something's bothering you, sometimes I should just say, "I understand" instead of trying to fix it, because all you really need is someone to know what you're feeling.
Marge: That is really, really lovely. (they kiss each other)

Julia: I have to confess, I did see him naked on the roof.
Julia's Fiancée: I did too, and I was at ten thousand feet!

Season 27 Season 28 Quotes Season 29
Monty Burns' Fleeing CircusFriends and FamilyThe TownTreehouse of Horror XXVIITrust But ClarifyThere Will Be BudsHavana Wild WeekendDad BehaviorThe Last Traction HeroThe Nightmare After KrustmasPork and BurnsThe Great PhatsbyFatzcarraldoThe Cad and the HatKamp Krustier22 For 30A Father's WatchThe Caper ChaseLooking for Mr. GoodbartMoho HouseDogtown
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