Friends and Family/Quotes

Episode	References	Gags	Appearances	Gallery	Quotes	Credits

◄ Monty Burns' Fleeing Circus

Friends and Family

The Town ►

Smithers: Come on, sir. You'll be late for your appointment.

Mr. Burns: Hush! No one must know I'm not in perfect mental health. The Kaiser would be furious!

---

(Mr. Burns walks down the medical complex's hallway)

Doctor 1: Hip joints! Who wants a hip joint?

Doctor 2: Eyeballs! Can't see without your eyeballs!

Doctor 3: Euthanasia! Sweet, sweet euthanasia!

Mr. Burns: Ooh! Can I buy it as a gift?

Doctor 3: No!

---

Dr. Nussbaum: I believe last week we were discussing your anger issues.

Mr. Burns: (angry) Anger issues? Anger issues? Anger issues? Anger issues?

Dr. Nussbaum: Yeah all right, I'm afraid our fifty minutes are almost up.

Mr. Burns: Sorry. You were saying?

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Dr. Nussbaum: Monty, I... I give up.

Mr. Burns: After only seventy years of therapy?

Dr. Nussbaum: You're never gonna change, you... you will never have this! (Shows him a cube with pictures of his family)

Mr. Burns: A cheap piece of plastic with photos of ugly people?

Dr. Nussbaum: That is my family, people who love me!

Mr. Burns: Yes. You're right. I should consider encasing people in plastic. Then I could always see the look of fear in their faces! (chuckles)

Dr. Nussbaum: Yeah, we're finished here. Get out!

Mr. Burns: May I remind you I'm paying you five dollars an hour?

Dr. Nussbaum: Oh! Why did I lock in at that rate?

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Mr. Burns: (next to Dr. Nussbaum's body) Hmm. No pulse. Oh, wait, that's me! (grabs the doctor's pulse) Dead. So sad. He was a true friend. (marks "Outlive all friends" on his bucket list) Excellent!

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Marge: I can't believe Dr. Nussbaum's dead.

Lisa: Uh... We've had a lot of therapists and... Which one was he again?

Marge: He was the one who helped us communicate.

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Maggie: (While everyone on the family is fighting) Maggie talk! Maggie talk! No one listen? Maggie never talk again. (puts her pacifier back in)

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Mr. Burns: Stoned. At a funeral.

Otto: Ooh wow! Where's the funeral?

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Smithers: I... I didn't mean to hit him, sir.

Mr. Burns: Well, how could a man in his right mind miss a car heading right towards him? (Smithers pushes Burns out of the way of a truck)

Truck Driver: Idiot!

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Mr. Burns: (testing the Oculus Frink) Hmm... Not bad. Next?

Smithers: This is still a new technology, sir, at the moment it's really just lots of... pornography, a roller coaster, pornography, pornography, Burger King ad, pornography, and and this one.

---

Smithers: Oh, sorry, sir. This one is also pornography!

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Smithers: Uh, sir, if I might suggest, the last thing your therapist said was, "You need a family".

Mr. Burns: : I don't need anyone! (trips on the wires)

Smithers: We could program a virtual family for you, sir.

Mr. Burns: A virtual family... Yes!

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(the Spucklers goes on stage with all of his children)

Smithers: Uh... we only need three children, thanks.

Cletus: Oh, what kind of coal mine you runnin'!?

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(the Van Houten go on stage)

Mr. Burns: You! Wife! Look at me lovingly, as if I'm your husband! (Luann looks at Mr. Burns ticked off)

Kirk: Eh... Can you ask for a look of indifference? I think she can do that! Luann, pretend it's my birthday.

Mr. Burns: Next.

Milhouse: You promised me a job, Dad! I was gonna buy a fat Barbie!

Kirk: It's Curvy Barbie. And that would mean you have to buy all new clothes!

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(the Simpsons go on stage)

Homer: Uh... this thing says all families in the plant are required to try out.

Mr. Burns: So far so good. Two-and-a-half children, wife with current hairstyle. You're all hired! Except you, fatso. We don't need a father, I'll be the rooster in this henhouse!

Homer: That is so disappointing. I've always wanted to work for Mr. Burns.

---

(Smithers entering information on a portable as Mr. Burns sees the Simpsons in a virtual setting circa the late 1940s)

Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers, one favor: make the children look like they're mine.

(Maggi, Lisa and Bart's heads are all replaced with Mr. Burns' head.)

Mr. Burns: No, no, no! It's too beautiful. Like a Supreme Court full of Scalias. Switch to something else.

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Lenny: What's the matter Homer?

Homer: Last night, Marge and the kids didn't get home till eleven at night. When I came back from Moe's at eleven o'five, they were still taking off their coats!

Carl: I hear old man Burns is just living in a fantasy world now.

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Mr. Burns: Oh, that was wonderful. I'm picking up your ten-year options!

Marge: Ten years?

Mr. Burns: Oh, now, now, no discussion. We're a family now! (Maggie tries to hug Mr. Burns) Ugh! What is that? A river otter?

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Marge: (on the phone with Homer) We're not coming home, Homie.

Homer: What? What do I do without you here?

Marge: You can do what you did with me there: Go to Moe's.

Homer: Uh, it's not the same if I'm not trying to avoid some unpleasant chore.

Marge: Oh. You could clean out the attic...

Homer: Going to Moe's! (hangs up)

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Homer: (while laying down naked on the roof) Ah, Snoopy knew what he was doing, all right.

Julia: How you doing?

Homer: Aah!

Julia: Don't worry, I've seen you naked plenty of times. I live in the house behind yours.

Homer: (stands up and hides his crotch with a Frisbee) I don't think my wife would like this.

Julia: Hey, I got a boyfriend. And you're not my type!

Ned: (from his house) Could you both keep it down? I'm trying to count pennies!

Julia: Pft! Stupid Flanders.

Ned: Oh! You made me lose count! (Homer and Julia laugh)

Julia: Homer, it looks like you're out of beer, pal! (Throws a beer can to him)

Homer: (catches the beer can with the Frisbee and hides his crotch with a toy rocket) Wow! Can a man just be friends with a woman?

Julia: Here are some pretzels! (Throws a bag of pretzels to him)

Homer: (drops the toy rocket and grabs the pretzels) Yes he can!

---

Julia: (gives a beer can to Homer) Have one. I'm celebrating. My boyfriend proposed!

Homer: Wow! You'll get to enjoy the most magical part of married life: the beginning.

---

Homer: So uh... Where's the lucky guy?

Julia: Gone for the weekend. He's an airline pilot.

Homer: Maybe he and I can go out for beers before a flight.

Julia: Mmm. Where's your wife?

Homer: Uh... She's staying at this billionaire's house working as a virtual reality actress. You know, the usual.

---

Marge: Oh, Homer? Something's going on with Homer! My spousal sense is tingling.

Lisa: Mom, you blew the take!

Mr. Burns: Okay, that's it. I'll direct, and I'll show you how a pro does it. (points at Lisa) You! daughter character, say you love me!

Lisa: (flatly) I love you.

Mr. Burns: Like you mean it!

Lisa: (flatly) I really love you.

Mr. Burns: Once more, with feeling!

Lisa: (flatly) I... really... love... you. Blech.

Mr. Burns: This girl has no chops whatsoever!

Lisa: The existence of my chops is not for the likes of yo to ascertain, my good sir.

Mr. Burns: Would you like some eggs with that ham?

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Carl: Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa!! Looks like the old make-out king's got a new queen, huh?

Homer: Guys, we're just friends, It's purely catatonic.

Julia: Platonic.

Homer: That means she's into me, but I'm keeping it cool.

Julia: I like you, but that's not what it means.

Homer: Sure, right. (winks)

---

Mr. Burns: Everyone out! You're all fired!! Having a family is the most meaningless experience I could imagine.

Lisa: Try acting.

Marge: Come on, kids.

Bart: I'm taking my bathrobe!

Mr. Burns: There's a dye pack stitched in. (Smithers pops the dye pack, painting the bathrobe blue)

Bart: Joke's on you, I like this better! (leaves)

Mr. Burns: Oh go ahead, take your robe! But you'll never work in single-viewer virtual reality family melodrama again!

---

Homer: Hey guys! It's good to see you!

Marge: Hmm. Good to see you. Who were you talking to?

Homer: My friend Julia.

Lisa: Juli-a? Like a girl?

Homer: She's not a girl, she's three years younger than your mother! (Marge grunts) Now, Marge, it's cool! All we do is share our deepest thoughts and feelings.

Marge: Mm hmm. Kids, could you leave the room, please? (the kids turn around) Faster!

Bart: (helps his sisters into the laundry chute before jumping himself) Geronimo!

---

Homer: You'll never hear the name Julia again.

Julia: (enters the house) Hi, I'm Julia! (Marge grunts) I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you you've got a great husband.

Marge: I've got a nice bicycle too, but I keep a lock on it!

Julia: I have no interest in... riding... your bike. But I want you to know that your bike loves you as truly as a bike can.

Homer: And Marge, I love you as much as that bike.

Julia: You are the bike.

Homer: Wha? (Julia leaves)

---

Marge: I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Apparently, you didn't do anything wrong. But I'm not wrong for getting mad at you either!

Homer: Marge, Julia taught me lots of stuff that could help us. For example, I realize that when you see me doing something stupid and you don't say anything about it, you know, and you're just being nice.

Marge: That's true.

Homer: And when something's bothering you, sometimes I should just say, "I understand" instead of trying to fix it, because all you really need is someone to know what you're feeling.

Marge: That is really, really lovely. (they kiss each other)

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Julia: I have to confess, I did see him naked on the roof.

Julia's Fiancée: I did too, and I was ten thousand feet in the air!

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