Marge: Oh, this tile is lose! I'll have to call a handy man.
Homer: Eh... Why did you said it like that, with the pause between the words? Are you saying I'm not handy!?
Marge: That's how you say it. Handy man.
Homer: It's handyman!
Marge: That's what I said! handy (pause) man.
Homer: (angry) Marjorie, there is the profession: handyman, and there are men who are handy! Which are you saying I'm not? Tell me...
Marge: A handy (pause) man. (Homer exclaims angrily)
Bart: Face it Homeboy, you ain't handy! Unless we need a big fat paperweight.
Homer: I'll paperweight you!! (sits on Bart)
Marge: Homie, sweetie, replacing a tile is something you really need a professional for.
Homer: I know how to replace a tile! All guys do! We talk about it all the time. Grout?
Marge: There's no stopping what I've started here. Here's your tile! (puts the tile on Homer's plate) Have fun! Handy (pause) man! (leaves)
Homer: Lisa, honey, do you have any idea how to replace a floor?
Lisa: (gives a tablet to Homer) Here's a video tutorial on replacing a tile.
Homer: I don't know if I need a whole tutorial to teach me...
Lisa: You're tapping. You have to swipe.
Homer: I... I'm swiping, I'm swiping!
Lisa: Pretend you're swiping chocolate icing off a cake.
Homer: All right, how's that?
Lisa: Ah, see? There. Perfect.
Homer: There really is icing on here.
Lisa: All right then.
Video Tutorial Guy: Hi there. If you're watching this video, you've got a job that needs doing but you're too cheap to pay for it.
Homer: Man, this guy's inside my head!
Video Tutorial Guy: Now, replacing a tile is a simple task, as long as the substrate beneath the tile isn't rotted. (Homer looks below the tile and finds a rotten substrate) If there is rot in your substrate, we will now play loud music so you can curse. (a loud song plays)
Homer: Stupid floor! Why was I born a homeowner!?
Bart: I can't die now! I actually did my homework!
Homer: Sorry cat! Had to go to work, then there was a freeway chase on the news, had to watch it till the end. The guy got arrested in a cul-de-sac! They never do what I yell at them to do!
(Lisa is sneaking into Bart's bedroom, but Homer enters with a stethoscope and a tuna can looking for Snowball V inside the walls)
Homer: Lisa? Just what do you think you're up to? (Lisa turns her back to him and moans) Come on, you can tell Dr. Tuna.
Lisa: Okay, I admit it! I think Bart's up to something funny, so I'm snooping in his room!
Homer: No snooping! You know what they say about curiosity.
Lisa: It killed the cat?
Homer: The cat's fine! Stop asking about the cat!
Lisa: No Hettie, you're a human being! You can sleep in my closet.
Hettie: Hmm... Well, ladida... How much you charge?
Lisa: Nothing. Maybe we can talk a little music.
Hettie: (annoyed) Ugh. (to Bart) Boy, what's your price again?
Lisa: Okay, we'll only talk about it if you want to!! But it would be an honor.
Hettie: (puts her guitar on it's case) Okay, let's go. (Lisa realizes a stain on Hettie's arm)
Lisa: Oh, you've hurt yourself!
Hettie: Uh... nope, that's syrup.
Lisa: Oh, let me find you a wet nap.
Hettie: I just woke up from a wet nap!
Lisa: Okay, conversation's over.
Lisa: (hugging Hettie) You're having a moment with someone who has so few moments, this will never be forgotten.
Hettie: Oh, baby girl... I feel like I'm back home in poorest Appalachia.
Lisa: Thank you.
Lisa: Deep down, there's still a part of you that remembers music can still be magical.
Dewey Largo: Oh, you're right, I can't bear to kill your passion. It will live at least until third grade when you get Mrs. Ortner.
Ortner: So I got back together with Jeff and then of course I realized there was a reason we broke up.
(boy plays tuba)
Ortner: Well that sounds awful and you look stupid doing it!
(Lisa gives Hettie a dress)
Lisa: Try it on! Try it on! Try it on!
Hettie: I heard you the second time!
Bart: (holding Lisa by her shoulders and shaking her) Lis, Lis, Lis!
Bart: I've seen you like this before, and it ends badly. She is gonna break your heart, and your heart is as tough as a soap bubble! Remember how upset you got over that dead plant?
Lisa: (sad) Oh... It's the seven-month anniversary of that! (she starts crying)
Bart: Oh, geez, here we go again!
Lisa: You know what Bart? Just get out!! And get Dad's keys and drive us to the radio station. And then get out!! Wait until we're done, then drive us back. Then get out!!
(Homer rescues Snowball V and realizes that Santa's Little Helper is stuck inside the walls)
Homer: Sure am glad we don't have a horse.
Mountain Trax Presenter: So, Hettie, you're doing a concert tonight.
Lisa: (quietly) And yes, she is!
Mountain Trax Presenter: Could you tell our listeners why you didn't perform with your older brothers and sisters?
Hettie: I mean, they would ask me to. They would They'd say "Hettie, come over here, pick up a banjo and play a song with us." And, um... I don't know. I'd say, "No, I'm happy just to sit down by the creek and... do my heroin." You know?
Lisa: (shocked) Wait! What?
Mountain Trax Presenter: Is it also true you've been discovered by, and then turned your back on well-meaning supporters time and time again? (Bart holds an "I was right" sign to Lisa)
Hettie: Uh... yes, yeah, that is a pattern I adhere to, and do you have any OxyContin? Now, if you got some you don't have to say yes, you just got to blink!
Mountain Trax Presenter: Maybe we should take a break. For the record, I'm not blinking.
Hettie: He's holding, he just won't share.
Lisa: (shocked) No no, Hettie, please tell me that you're rehabilitated. Please tell me that you're talking about heroin so that no one else will follow in your footsteps! Please reassure me because I am frightened!
Hettie: Oh baby girl, I wouldn't let you down. You and me, we get each other, yeah? (starts scratching herself) But if I don't get something sweet, I might shoot someone in the face.
Lisa: (gasps) Are you saying that you shot your parents in the face!?
Hettie: I don't know! That's not really the kind of thing you remember, you know what I mean? All right, I'm gonna go now bye! (leaves)
Bart: Lis, if she shoots your face off tomorrow, just remember this is what it looks like. (takes a picture of Lisa's face and shows her)
(Homer falls from the ceiling interrupting Marge, Bart and Lisa's discussion)
Marge: (groans) Homer, do you know what was going on in our house?
Homer: Why are you asking meow? I mean, me now?
Marge: Homer, I know about the cat. I also know about the dog, he's fine! (she whistles, Santa's Little Helper and Snowball V enters to the room) I've been taking care of everything.
Homer: You knew!?
Marge: It was pretty sexy pretending you were toolsy. But Lisa let a strange Kentucky lady live in our house without our permission!
Lisa: Well, now I don't know where she is, and I believed in her, and we have a concert in thirty minutes!
Homer: Oh, honey, we'll find her! You entertain the audience untill we get there.
Lisa: Okay, I'll play my sax! (runs uptairs)
Bart: Well, that'll turn a disappointed crowd into a lynch mob.
Lisa: (leaving) Shut up!
Bart: Okay, if you want to find this woman, and I recommend you don't, here's a little clue: Hettie usually smells like radiator booze.
Homer: To Cletus country!!
(Homer and Bart found Hettie drinking on Cletus' farm)
Homer: Hettie, we need to get you up, run you through a car wash and get you to that concert.
Hettie: (drunk) You hush up now!
Homer: Fortunately for you, I'm fluent in drunk.
(They start talking gibberish with each other)
Hettie: Nobody tell me what to do! Not you, not the po-lice, (grabs a shotgun and points it to Homer's face) not even the police!
Bart: Cletus, why did you give her a shotgun!?
Cletus: Hey!! I do not give anyone firearms! Now, she must've taken that out the umbrella stand. (points to an umbrella stand with shotguns in it)
Hettie: Oh, your little girl's been so good to me. I can't shoot you in the face. I'll just make you deaf for a week! (Shots up with the gun near Homer's left ear)
Homer: D'oh! Oh, I have church tomorrow, can you do the other? (Hettie shots again near Homer's right ear) Thank you!
(Lisa forgives Hettie after one of her songs)
Lisa: Okay, you can sleep it off on our couch! (Hettie gugs Lisa)
Hettie: Well, thank you, sweetheart. Hey, what time do you do the couch gags?
Lisa: Around eleven in the morning. You'll be fine.