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Hardly Kirk-ing
Gorgeous Grampa
Black-Eyed, Please
Mr. Burns: What are you doing, Godfrey? You're a villain, not some bullet-brained rail-splitter! Without someone to hate, there's no excitement, no thrill!

Moe: I bet I win a locker full of treasure, like a solid gold bar of silver, or Picasso's TV.
Apu: Oh no no no. It is I who will be watching Picasso's TV tonight!

Homer [opens the storage box]: Feather boas?
Bart: Mine's full of hand mirrors.
Lisa: I've got perfume spritzers.
Marge: Makeup and baby oil?
Homer: Tights? Robes? Ohh, this stupid old locker must have belonged to some old lady.
Lisa [reading the box]: "Property of Abraham J. Simpson?" This is Grampa's stuff.
Homer: Why would my "man dad" have lady stuff?
Marge: It's not all lady stuff. [Marge looks through some old bodybuilding magazines] Look at all these fitness publications.
Homer: Beefcake mags?
Marge [gasps as she pulls a wig out of the box]: I think your dad might be gay.
Homer: Ohh, that's insane! My dad was married to a woman who left him because he ignored her needs for decades!
Homer [dejectedly]: Aww, my gay dad is gay for gays.

Homer [disappointedly handling Grampa's wig]: Ummm...
Marge: I think this is great. Old gay men are adorable, like wrinkle dogs in a wrinkle dog calendar.
Homer: Those are pretty cute.
Marge: Your dad's been in the clsoet for so long, he probably doesn't know how tolerant society's become. They even had a gay float in the Pride Parade last year.
Homer: My dad has always been so angry... Maybe if we help him be who he is, he'll finally be happy!
Marge: Oh Homie, you're so... enlightened.
[Homer and Marge kiss lovingly]
Homer [in a low, passionate voice]: Yeah, gay rights are human rights, baby.

[At the Springfield Retirement Castle nursing home, Homer is wearing a t-shirt with the gay rainbow flag on it, while Bart's t-shirt says " I (heart) my gay Grampa"]
Bart: Are you sure you're not just doing all this because it's cool to be accepting of a gay family member?
Marge: Oh honey, that's just silly.
Marge [grumbles]: This will show Helen Lovejoy, always bragging about her transgender cousin.

Marge: Abe, we found your storage locker,
Homer: It's okay, Dad. We know the truth, and we love you.
Grampa: What? The contents of that locker are my private business! Get out!
Homer: Just admit who you are, and you can find new love!
Marge: If you don't want to die alone, come out of your room!
[The other seniors come out of their rooms, mumbling "Love"]

Marge [typing up a personal singles want ad on her portable computer]: "Help me out of the closet. Wonderful older man seeks life partner before rapidly encroaching death."
Homer: No fatties.
Marge: How about some fatties?
Homer [annoyed]:Fine.
Marge: Okay, post this under "Men seeking men"... but what subheading? Hmm, nothing too serious, Here we go: "Casual encounters". Perfect! No pressure.

Smithers [pulls back his hood]: Are you "Wrinkled and Romantic"?
Grampa: Huh? What the heck are you talking about, Spectacles?
Smithers: Oh, I've been hung up on someone for years, but I'm trapped in the friend zone. [sighs] It's time for me to move on.
Grampa: So move on, you're blocking the ducks.
Marge: Don't you want to be happy, Abe? Admit who you are: a wonderful gay man.
Grampa [sputters and stammers]: What? I don't ride side-saddle! I'm straight as a submarine!
Homer: Then how do you explain this? [Homer puts Grampa's wig on his head'; Grampa embarrassingly mutters "Uhhh"...]
Mr. Burns: Oh, hello Smithers. Fancy seeing you in "Casual Encounter Park". [Smithers lightly jogs away]
Mr. Burns [sees Grampa with his wig on, gasps]: You're Glamorous Godfrey!
Homer: Who?
Mr. Burns: Glamorous Godfrey was the most famous wrestler in the world, and you are he!
Marge: Is this true?

[inside Mr. Burns' mansion]
Mr. Burns: Behold.
Homer: Look at all this wrestling crap!
Lisa: Wow.
Bart: Ay carumba!
Grampa:Fine, I was Glamorous Godfrey.

Homer: What's wrong?
Marge [sobbing]: I so wanted him to be gay.
Grandpa: Well, on V.E. Day, I kissed a man by mistake.
Marge: Thank you.

Homer: You were a world famous wrestler? Spill the beans, old man. Word beans!
Grampa: Oh all right, I'll tell you. It was the 1950's.
Homer: Ohh, those things?
[flashback to a wrestling arena in the 1950's]
Grampa: It was the heyday of pro wrestling. You could make good money if you were the manly mixture of strong and fat we called "beefy". Good guys were called "babyfaces", and bad guys were called "heels". I was the king of the heels: Glamorous Godfrey. [Grampa throws a glassful of milk into a woman's face]
Milkman 1: How dare he?
Milkman 2: That was drinking milk!
[the crowd gets angry]
Grampa : My motto was "Always cheat".
[Grampa as Glamorous Godfrey pokes the eyes of one wrestler, bites another's ear, and throws another wrestler into a fridge and puts a steel chair against the door]
Grampa: But the thing that really drove them crazy was my vanity.
Glamorous Godfrey: You are the luckiest people in the world; you get to look at me!
[the crowd boos, they throw their cigars and cigarettes into the ring]

Bart: Grampa, you were the original bad boy!
Grampa: Yeah, I was boastful before your all your football showboaters, rap "music-ers" and TV beach Italians. But there was a downside to being hated: being hated.

Mr. Burns: Oh, what I wouldn't give to see Glamorous Godfrey in action once more. Would you ever consider throwing your wig back into the ring?
Grampa: Go back to being a villain? Oh, forget that! Being hated is the worst feeling there is.
Mr. Burns [chuckles]: You've got it all wrong, my friend. Once you see it my way, you'll understand that being hated is the greatest feeling in the world.
[Mr. Burns starts a song and dance number]
Mr. Burns [sings]: Don't really care for chasing women, never was keen on booze / Don't take cocaine or Mary Jane, No I get drunk on boos...
Mr. Burns: [pauses singing]: Uh, that's "B-O-O-S", not "Z-E" as before.
Bart: Uh, we get it.
Mr. Burns [resumes singing]: Because, you've got to love to be hated, find the good in being bad / Oh, the crowd is full of gentlemen, But they've paid to see the cad / Yes, it's a hoot, a kick, a gas / When you're the villain of the show / Once you wear black, you'll never go back / It's a high to be loathed.
Mr. Burns [continues singing] Chucky, Stalin, Megatron, / Eric Cartman, Donkey Kong, / Vader, Nader, Simon Legree, / Terminators 1, 2, and 3; / Iago, Joker, Voldemort, / McEnroe on center court, / Mr. Burns and Skeletor, / Keep your good guys, what a snore, / [Mr. Burns takes Grampa up on stage, and starts dancing] When it's your head they want to sever, And your blood they want to shed, / You know you're gonna live forever, if everybody wants you dead, / So listen up, because I'm giving / The best advice you'll ever know / So feel the thrill, I know you will, / It's a high to be loa.... th-ed.

Mr. Burns: And now our main event. In this corner: Baby-Face Palooka. And entering the ring: America's original vainglorious bastard, Glamorous Godfrey!
[Glamorous Godfrey's carriage pulls up to the ring, he steps in with Baroque music playing as the crowd boos him]
Mr. Burns [whispering to Glamorous Godfrey] : Yes, feel the hatred, it makes you strong, powerful, alive.
Glamorous Godfrey [imitating a posh, snooty voice as he speaks]: You are the luckiest people in the world: you get to look at me!
[Glamorous Godfrey claps two large makeup powder puffs like cymbals, covering the people with talcum powder]

Kirk: Hey, Simpson, tell your kid to quit showboating!
Sideshow Mel: I've never seen anyone so full of self-regard! And I've worked with Bob Balaban.

Marge: I don't care if Bart is a wrestler, a busboy, or even a stoplight squeegee man, as long as he's a nice person. But if he gets too much attention for acting bad, he might turn bad on the inside.
Grampa: Eh, that's women talk. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to comb out my curls! One... two... three...

Grampa: Glamorous Godfrey is dead! [the crowd gasps as Grampa gets rid of his cloak and wig and puts on a Lincoln-style stovepipe hat and beard ] I am Honest Abe! [the crowd gasps again as Grampa changes Bart's costume to resemble the Statue of Liberty] And this is Laddie Liberty!
Bart: What are you doing?
Grampa: I ain't a heel no more, I'm a good guy, and you're a baby-face!
Bart: But - but what about the cheating?
Grampa; No more cheating.
Bart: And the preening?
Grampa; No more preening.
Bart: But I'm so pretty!
Grampa; That's for others to say now.

Mr. Burns: Curse you, and this morbidly obese little half-wit!
Grampa: So, they only want to see a good guy fight a bad guy, eh?
[Grampa picks Mr. Burns up, and puts him in an airplane spin]
Mr. Burns: Duh-oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
[Grampa delivers a piledriver to Mr. Burns]
Homer: He's taking on Mean Man Monty! Go get him, Honest Abe!

Bart: Honest Abe, can I pin him?
Grampa [chuckles]: You know it, Laddie Liberty!
[Bart covers Mr. Burns for the win]

[the crowd cheers]
Grampa: Damndest boos I ever heard.
Bart: They're cheering, Grampa.
Grampa: This is what I've been missing my whole life.

[last lines]
Marge: Oh, that was so sweet!
Homer [crying tears of joy]: I wish Grampa was my dad!

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