Homer: Now, who's up for a trip to the library tomorrow? Notice I no longer say liberry or tomorrie.
Kent Brockman: Animotion is up an eighth... after plunging seventy five points this morning!
Homer: Oh, I hope plunging means up, and seventy five means two hundred!
Kent Brockman: The firm declared super-duper bankruptcy, which is terrible news for the company's one stockholder, Homer Simpson.
Homer: Family meeting! Family meeting! (the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats) Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families. (everyone laughs) All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant. (gasps, and turns to Homer) You lost all our money?
Homer: Point of order: I didn't lose all the money. There was enough left for this cowbell. (rings it softly, and the bell breaks apart in his hands) Damn you, eBay!
Homer: Animation is so great! It's way better than ... whatever the alternative is.
Marge: Seems like animated shows are everywhere; or were, last year.
Lisa: Wait, I'm confused; why was a wolf shooting a web?
Bart: Cartoons don't have to make sense.
Ozmodiar: [pops up] He's right, you know.
Homer: (imitates Lisa) Daddy, ask the man for some candy. (in his regular voice) Sorry, honey, no candy. (imitates Lisa) Well, at least get some candy for yourself. (in his regular voice) Ha-ha, kids!
Carl: (after Homer leaves in the middle of the day) So does he still work here or what?
[When Homer is on the phone]
Operator: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.
Operator: Animotion, up 1 1/2.
Operator: Yahoo!, up 6 1/4.
Homer: Huh? What is this crap?
Operator: Fox Broadcasting, down 8.
Female Scientist: [to Homer] We could perform a surgery and remove the crayon from your brain. It could vastly increase your brain power. Or it could possibly kill you.
Homer: Hmm ... increase my killing power, eh?
[Homer sits next to a "Diet Drug Z-3" jar, with food going past him on a conveyor belt, but he only sits there without touching the food]
Male Scientist: That appetite-suppressant is amazing.
Female Scientist: Homer, you really have no desire to eat that food?
Homer: Food? I'm blind! [starts running in the room while screaming]
Male Scientist: Who's gonna buy a pill that makes you blind?
Female Scientist: We'll let marketing worry about that.
Female Scientist: Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you have a crayon lodged in your brain.
Homer: There's a crayon in my brain? [points to his chest; the scientist relocates his hand to his head] But I've had thousands of head X-rays. How come no one ever noticed this before?
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, I can answer that. You see, whenever I picked up an X-ray, I'd always hold it like this. [picks up Homer's X-ray photo to demonstrate. His thumb falls right where the crayon would be] My thumb must've covered up the crayon every time. [chuckles] I'll show myself out. [leaves]
Marge: Oh, Homer, where have you been?
Homer: I just underwent a procedure to increase my IQ 50 points.
Homer: And they gave me this spiffy nerd ensemble, too.
Marge: You feel smarter?
Homer: Is the capital of North Dakota, Bismarck?
[Marge, Maggie, and Bart look expectantly at Lisa]
Lisa: [pauses] It is.
Bart: I don't believe it. Say something else smart.
Homer: Dr. Joyce Brothers may be highly known, but her psychological credentials are highly suspect. [Marge, Bart, and look at Lisa again]
Lisa: It's true!
Homer: [to Flanders] I was working on a flat tax proposal and I accidentally proved there's no God.
Flanders: We'll just see about tha... [looks at it] Oh, maybe he made a mistake? Nope... it's air-tight.
Principal Skinner: Welcome to the third in our series of lectures on "Not Putting Things Up Your Nose." Please welcome Homer Simpson.
[The students clap]
Homer: I am here to give hope to the least of you, because we all have a crayon up our nose. Maybe it's not a crayon made of wax. Maybe it's a crayon made of prejudice.
Nelson: [raises his hand] Question!
Homer: Yes, Nelson.
Nelson: A moron says what?
Homer: Not being a moron, I wouldn't know. However... [mumbles something unintelligibly]
Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron.
[Nelson groans; everyone points at him and yells, "HA-ha!"]
Carl: I can't feed my family with a cod-piece!
[Everyone leaves after Homer inadvertently gets everyone at work fired]
Homer: Wait, you can't hate me. I'm your better! YOUR BET-TER!
Ozmodiar: [appears; to Homer] Oh, you've really done it this time, dum-dum.
[When Homer goes to Moe, an angry crowd is burning an effigy of Homer]
Homer: Effigy, eh? Yeah, nothing burns like an effigy. [notices the effigy is himself] Hey, that's me! Stop that! The fire inspector would be appalled.
Fire Inspector: Don't tell me how to feel. [throws a mug of beer at the effigy]
Moe: And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.
Homer: Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern. [he's knocked out with a 2x4]
Moe: Power off, Einstein.
Homer: [to the scientists] I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Change me back to the blissful boob I was.
Male Scientist: Sorry, we don't play God here.
Homer: That's ridiculous! You do nothing but play God! And I think your octo-parrot would agree with me.
Octo-Parrot: Awk! Polly shouldn't be!
[When Moe puts the crayon back in Homer's brain]
Moe: Alright, tell me when I hit the sweet spot.
Homer: Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner pusher!
Moe: Alright, alright. [with a small hammer and chisel, he taps the crayon further up Homer's nose]
Homer: De-fense! Woof-woof! De-fense! Woof-woof!
Moe: Eh, that's pretty dumb. But, uh...[taps once more]
Homer: [back to normal] Extended warranty? How can I lose?
Marge: [to Lisa] Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.
[Homer crashes through the living-room window]
Homer: Who wants lottery tickets? [holds up two fistfuls of lottery tickets]
Marge: Okay, it's in his brain.
Homer: [hugging Lisa] Mmm...hug.
Homer: [to Marge] I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C'mon, Marge, we're a team. It's uter-us, not uter-you.
Homer's note to Lisa: I'm taking the coward's way out. But before I do, I just wanted to say being smart made me appreciate just how amazing you really are.