Hans Moleman

“My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!”

―Hans Moleman^[src]

“Hello, this is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you. Today, part four of our series of the agonizing pain in which I live every daaaay.”

―Hans Moleman^[src]

“A poem by Hans Moleman. I think that I shall never see, my cataracts are blinding me.”

―Hans Moleman^[src]

Hans Moleman (also known as Ralph Melish) is a 4ft 4in (132cm), 140lb (64kg) mole-like man with extremely bad luck. He is best known for his 10 second short film Man Getting Hit by Football in "A Star Is Burns". There is a running gag in the series of him getting killed by various accidents, yet returning unharmed later on. Because of this, some fans refer to him as The Simpsons version of South Park’s Kenny McCormick.

Biography

Hans Moleman was born in Falls Church, Virginia on February 8, 1927 (or August 8, 1961^[2]) to unnamed parents. He grew up in a big family with 10 brothers and sisters on the family farm and it is revealed he is a "middle child".

He has cataracts and is almost entirely blind (which has severely impaired his reading ability). He carries a brown cane with him everywhere, which was once shown to contain a hidden sword.

Hans was once mistaken for Bart and accidentally had his brain "re-programmed" (Homer and Marge had hired a cult re-programmer, hoping to convince Bart to move out of Mr. Burns' mansion and back in with them), apparently leading him to believe he is the son of Homer and Marge.^[3]

Homer once stumbled across Hans Moleman as the leader of a race of Mole People in an underground fortress complete with earthquake machines.^[4] In the opening credits for The Simpsons, Marge strikes Moleman with her car. He has some jobs such as a mail man and a janitor (in the episode where Homer gets good luck).

His home address is 920 Oak Grove, Springfield.

Like most of Springfield's residents, Hans Moleman is of the Protestant Christian faith. In "The Springfield Connection", he is seen with Reverend Lovejoy before his execution.

Hans Moleman once attended Springfield University for a short time, only so that he could have somewhere to sit. It is unknown how long he attended the school and whether he gained any credits.^[5]

Deaths

Homer's Triple Bypass: Killed in a truck accident while hauling Edgar Allen Poe's house.
Terror at 5½ Feet: Killed in a car explosion.
Bart of Darkness: Gets torched by a sunbeam.
The Springfield Connection: Gets put to the electric chair.
Mother Simpson: Buried alive in the Springfield Cemetary.
Team Homer: Gets drilled in the brain by Mr Burns.
The Joy of Sect: Suffocated by the Rover guard balloon.
Children of a Lesser Clod: Gets trapped inside of a morgue while still alive.
Connie Appleseed: Gets sucked into quicksand.
C.E. D'oh: Falls to his death after getting thrown out of a window.
Reaper Madness: Gets killed by Homer's touch of death.
'Tis the Fifteenth Season: Gets eaten alive by wolves.
The Ned Zone: Gets eaten alive by alligators.
The Simpsons Movie: Gets run over by Homer's car.
E. Pluribus Wiggum: Gets crushed by a large piece of concrete.
The Debarted: Suffocated by an airbag.
Double, Double, Boy in Trouble: Gets sucked up by the Vac-U-Bots.
Mypods and Boomsticks: Drowns to death after driving his truck into the ocean.
Don't Have a Cow, Mankind: Gets run over by a car after being turned into a zombie.
The Squirt and the Whale: Gets crushed by a piece of an exploding whale.
The Fool Monty: Gets run over by Smithers' car.
The D'oh-cial Network: Gets struck by Homer's car.
A Test Before Trying: Dies when his life support gets unplugged.
The Man Who Grew Too Much: Gets crushed by Sideshow Bob's block of concrete.
School is Hell: Gets axed in half by Beelze-Bart.
Geriatric Park: Gets crushed by a dinosaur's foot.
Daddicus Finch: Gets stuck by Brockman's car.
Bart vs. Itchy & Scratchy: Gets struck by a boat.

Trivia

In the episode "Principal Charming", his driver's license says that his name is "Ralph Melish".
In early episodes, his skin color was inconsistent and would range from yellow to brownish-yellow.
There appears to be a continuity error involving his age. Although seemingly an elder, Hans Moleman once claimed that he was only 31 years old, implying in the process that his appearance is due to heavy drinking and not a result of old age.^[6] However, he was apparently the mayor of Springfield 30 years ago, which casts his statement about being 31 years old into doubt, implying that he is well over 50. Also, in "Little Girl in the Big Ten", one of the college girls refers to him as an "80 year old man", although she was most likely only referring to him by his appearance.
In the Treehouse of Horror XVI segment: "I've Grown a Costume on Your Face", Moleman was humorously turned into a mole, despite not wearing a costume.
He had an affair with Lars Ulrich's grandmother and is considered by Metallica to be a "real fan".^[7]
According to Homer, kissing him on the forehead is similar to kissing a peanut.^[3]
He is one of the Springfield residents to appear in a Tracey Ullman short, the others are Krusty and Abe.
Hans Moleman is the unknown thief who stole Peter Griffin's car in "The Simpsons Guy".
He is one of the Seniors who appears in the song "Adults/Kids".
According to his license, he is 4'4" (132cm) and weighs 140lbs (64kg). Such a weight at this size would make Hans extremely overweight. However, he only appears slightly chubby.

Behind the Laughter

Moleman first appeared in the short "Scary Movie" without glasses sleeping in the cinema, but wakes up when Bart screams. He was silent then. He looked different in that short, showing a prototype version of him. He was officially introduced as a speaking, unlucky character in the episode "Principal Charming", where his driver's license listed his name as Ralph Melish.

Tributes

In 2015, nerdcore rapper MC Lars created a song and music video as a tribute to Hans Moleman titled "The Ballad of Hans Moleman".
In 2019, Vulture published an article titled "The Enigma of The Simpsons’ Hans Moleman".