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Home Away from Homer |
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- Homer: (to Ned) You wear a bathing suit in the bathtub?
- Flanders: Yeah, so I can't see my own shrinky-dink.
- Homer: Makes sense.
- Lisa: I feel so much empathy for those villagers. They had to drink their own tears.
- Bart: I was so bored, I cut the ponytail off of the guy in front of us. (holds it to the back his head) Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and made $600 last year.
- Marge: Bart! Don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice.
- Bart: Mom, I don't want to read, it's the weekend.
- Bart: I know what we can “Ask Jeeves.” Why does he suck?
- Homer: Don't worry, I'll straighten things out with Coach Clay. We're good buddies. We play this game called "who can punch the softest" and he always lets me win.
- (At the Kwik-E-Mart, Homer shows Apu the video)
- Homer: What a combination. Hot chicks and stupid Flanders.
- Apu: And you say Mr. Flanders remains completely ignorant of their...dot-kama sutra?
- Homer: Yep, and nobody's telling him. Not even his good buddy God! (Moe walks by holding a magazine)
- Moe: Boy, nothin' is sexier than still photos in a girly magazine. (sees the video) Hey, whaaat?
- Homer: Sensual, isn't it? (starts to laugh) And the best part is, stupid Flanders doesn't even know it's happening in his stupid house; hence my nickname, stupid Flanders!
- Lisa: You've totally humiliated the best friend the Simpsons ever had.
- Homer: You're right, but you know who the real victim is here? Ned.
- Lisa: That's what we've been trying to tell you!
- Lady: Winner of the Romanian Film Festival's Prestigious Golden Bucket... Holy crap, someone's actually calling!
- Flanders: You softcore sophomores took advantage of my trustful nature and sullied the Internet by putting pornography on it! Get out!
- (The two hot chicks leave gloomily, they gasps and Ned shocks, too. Springfield citizens cheering together)
- Flanders: The whole town is laughing at me behind my back! (sighing) I guess you're the only real friend I have.
- Moe: Are you kidding? Homer's the one what wised us up to the sexy goings-on.
- Flanders: Homer, is this true?
- Homer: Ned, I had no choice. It was just so funny.
- Flanders: The Bible said: Cast your bread upon the waters! But all I got was a bunch of soggy bread.
- Homer: Hmmm, soggy bre--
- Flanders: Don't say it, Homer! This is not the time!
- Homer: --Ead...
- Homer: What's this? (reading) Good-bye, Springfield,
- Ned: (voice over) The Flanders family has pulled up stakes. You have laughed at us for the LAST-DIDDLY-AST time!
- Homer: Last-diddly-ast?! (sobbing) Oh, he's gone! And it's all someone's fault! (He starts to cry, eating Ned's cookies)
- Marge: (on the window) Oh, I almost forget about Ned. (sniffing)
- Maggie: (laughs, then to the lens) You know what that means, Ladies and Gentlemen, He is gone to Humbleton. Yeah.
- Marge: Well, Homer, you've driven away the best neighbor a family could ever want.
- Bart: (while reading "Gay Focus") Mom, am I a butch or a femme?
- Marge: (Not listening) Honey, you can be anything you want to be.
- Marge: What language is this? Gibby-gabby?
- Lisa: It's Albanian. But the producers added subtitles to make it commercial.
- Katja: I'm Katja, and this is Vicky. We make much study at community college.
- Vicky: We're, like, here about the room. We moved out of our dorm because it's like, co-ed. Sometimes we saw the boys in their... (starts to cry) ...robes.
- Ned: You poor thing, I've heard about those robes. (shudder) Flapping everywhere! Girls, welcome to your very own Ned and breakfast!
- Katja: Silly talk means "yes"? (Ned nods. The girls smile and enter Flanders' home)
- Ned: Here's your room, ladies. You can catch some Z's while you earn those degrees!
- Katja: [giggling] You rhyme like Snoopy Dog.
- Ned: Well, thank you.
- Vicky: Katja? Do you think everyone's watching?
- Katja: If they are, they will see us explore our sexhood without restraint.
- Bart: Hey, this one of those dirty websites!
- Milhouse: Two girls? Who would want that? (The door knocks. The girls get back into their robes and pick up books)
- Katja: You may inside come. (Ned opens and holds some Cappuccino)
- Ned: I got two Cappuccinos for Ned's pre-meds.
- Bart and Milhouse: (shocked) FLANDERS?!?!
- Ned: That's odd. I guess I swore I just heard someone say my name.
- Bart: You heard nothing!
- Ned: Oh, oh, well, that's better! (Snap to black)
- (Fade to Bart and Milhouse watching the video. Vicky spanks Katja's bottom with Rod's picture frame)
- Katja: Spank me again with little boy's picture! (Bart and Milhouse laugh while Homer bursts into the room)
- Homer: What are you kids laughing at? If you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying. (gasps) Scantily clad co-eds?! Why you little! (strangles Bart) I'll teach you to have a libido!
- Bart: (yelling) Dad, look who's in there!
- Homer: (shocked) Flanders?! (Vicky holds a arrow sign reading "SEXY", Katja dances, and Ned brushes his teeth)
- Milhouse: He doesn't know it's happening!
- (Homer knocks out Coach Roberts)
- Roberts: Why did you do that?! I was backing for mercy!
- Homer: I saw my advantage, and I took it. That's what heroes do.
- Humbleton Citizen 1: (to Ned) Howdy, Humbletonian!
- Humbleton Citizen 2: Picnics and Pixie Stix!
- Humbleton Citizen 3: I'll see your smile, and raise you a wink and a giggle! (winks and giggles)
- Ned: (chuckles back) This town is sweeter than a cake made of pie. Even the dogs curb themselves!