Bart: (after looking at record sleeve) You wrote a song, dad?
Homer: I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago.
Bart: Dad, I can't even remember what happened eight minutes ago. (everyone laughs) No, I can't. It's a serious problem!
Homer: (laughs) Who cares?
Bart: Oh boy! Free trading cards!
Milhouse: Wow! Joseph of Arimathea! 26 conversions in A.D. 46.
Nelson: Whoa, a Methuselah rookie card!
Flanders: (chuckles) Well boys, who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun?
Nelson: Let's get out of here!
Homer: We were about to learn an iron law of show business; what goes up must come down.
Lisa: What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over fifty years.
Bart: So's Sinatra.
Homer: Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of...
Lisa: Dean Martin still packs 'em in.
Bart: Ditto Tom Jones.
Homer: Shut up!
Bart: Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught-six, dagnabbit.
Homer: Bart, what did I tell you?
Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890's prospector, consarn it.
Lisa: Wow, an original Malibu Stacey from 1958! (sees the huge, pointed breasts) Oh...
Man: Yeah, they took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out.
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
Human Fly: Hello, Human Fly here! Come on, I spent all night dying my underwear.
Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool.
Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.
(Homer, Apu and Principal Skinner audition a replacement for Chief Wiggum.)
Groundskeeper Willie: (sings "Downtown", by Petula Clark)When you're alone and life is getting you lonely, you can always go, ACH! Downtown!(pronounced "Doon Toon!")
Jasper: (sings the otherwise instrumental "Theme from a Summer Place")Theme from a summer place, from a summer place, the theme from a summer place, it's a theme...
Homer, Apu and Principal Skinner: NEXT!
Homer: Well, one of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire. (the tire blows out) D'oh!
Reporter: I have a question for Apu du Beaumarchais. Isn't it true that you're really an Indian?
Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.
Reporter: Principal Skinner, you've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified?
Principal Skinner: (seriously) Yes. Yes, it is.
(Homer, Apu and Skinner, with stubble on their faces, are in the recording studio)
Homer, Apu, Skinner: (singing off-key)For all the latest medical poop, Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. Poo poo pa-doop...
Apu: This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?
Principal Skinner: Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.
(Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder)
Barney: Barbershop is in danger of growing stale! I'm taking it to strange new places!
(on the recorder)
Barney's Girlfriend: Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches)
Moe: Hey Barney, what'll it be?
Barney: I'd like a beer, Moe!
Barney's Girlfriend: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat.
Moe: Here you go!
Ned: You know, Reverend, this really isn't a hymn.
Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, there's an oil stain in the parking lot that looks just like St. Barnabas.
Ned: Oh, my stars!
Moe: Those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job.
Nigel: I didn't pay any girls to scream.
Skinner: Only one question remains, gentlemen. What do we call ourselves?
Nigel: How about, "Handsome Homer Simpson Plus Three?"
Barney: I like it!
Apu: Wait, I do not.
Skinner: Er, um, we need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it.
Apu: How about, "The Be Sharps?"
(Everyone laughs loud at first, then less, then the laughter tapers off)
Homer: What'd you kids get?
Bart: I bought this cool pencil holder.
Homer: Heh heh, far out man. I haven't seen a bong in years.
Marge: Homer, you're going to be famous!
Homer: Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been.
Marge: Hmm, have you seen Bart?
Homer: Ehh, I stuck him somewhere. (scene shows Bart under a laundry basket, tapping a cup on it)
Grampa(singing): Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on this farm he had a chick, the swingingest' chick I know! With a wiggle wiggle here and a wiggle wiggle there.
Homer: Get off the stage!
Grampa: I want to, but I can't!
Homer: Lisa, did you see the Grammys?
Lisa: You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners.
Homer: Well, you haven't heard the last of them.
Lisa: Wow! Look at all this Be Sharps merchandise! Lunch boxes... coffee mugs... "Funny Foam"? (squirts some on Homer)
Homer: They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, (scrapes the foam off his shirt and holds it in his palm) but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. (discards foam and looks over) Bart!
Bart:(through a mouth full of foam) What?
(Apu returns to work at the Kwik-E-Mart)
Apu: It may not be glamorous, but it's good, honest work.
Customer: How much is this quart of milk?
Apu:: Twelve dollars.
Homer(when he comes back to work): Hey, fellows, I'm back!
Carl: Oh, that's great. Your replacement was getting tired. (shot of a chicken in Homer's chair, pecking the controls) Hey, Queenie, you can go now!
Homer: I'll give her a good home. (scene goes back to Bart and Lisa, centered on Homer's stomach) And I did.
Bart: Man, that's some story!
Lisa: But there are still a few things I don't get. Like, how come we never heard about this until today?
Bart: Yeah, and what happened to the money you made?
Lisa: Why haven't you hung up your gold records?
Bart: Since when could you write a song?
Homer: (laughs) There are perfectly good answers to those questions. But they'll have to wait for another night. Now off to bed!