Homer's Paternity Coot/Quotes

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◄ Simpson Christmas Stories

Homer's Paternity Coot

We're on the Road to D'oh-where ►

Bart: You've said that three times already.

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Marge: Well why don't you think of something?

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Commercial Announcer: How often have you driven by a fire and thought, 'How can this benefit me?'

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Homer: To hell with that paternity test and its 99.99997% accuracy!

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Sideshow Mel: (after his tires are ripped) My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled! (pointing to sign that reads "Do Not Back Up - Severe Tire Damage")

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Sign: Springfield Tire Fire; Now smelled in 46 states.

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Quimby: People aren't taking the tollbooth! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain! Get them through that tollbooth by any means necessary!

Chief Wiggum: Gotcha. No survivors. (gets out a shotgun and cocks it)

Quimby: No shooting.

Chief Wiggum: But it's already cocked.

Quimby: Okay. Shoot into the fireplace.

(Wiggum does so and laughs)

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Marge: Let's go there before the next commercial tells me to do something else.

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Homer: Who could my father be? Moleman? Mr. Burns? (gasps) M. Night Shyamalan? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! audio clip

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Ralph: (with a tuba on his head) I'm C3-D2!

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Homer: (Looking around Mason's study, which is decorated with various adventurer's items) So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of..fruitcake?

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Homer: I'm sure my listeners will be pleased about that.

Mason Fairbanks: Listeners? Didn't you say you work for a newspaper?

Homer: Uh, no I didn't. I says I work for a radio station. WXI 940. Number one with our viewers.

Mason Fairbanks: Viewers? Wouldn't that be a TV show?

Homer: Uh, well, um, oh what the hey. I think you're my pappy!

Mason Fairbanks: Ga-whaaa?!

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Moe: Sitting in a rocking chair, eating baby crackers, ticktock, ticktock, ticktock, banana, A-B-C-D-E-F-G, wash those June bugs off of me.

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Marge: Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries?

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Reverend Lovejoy: (heading for the toll booth) Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.

(He takes out the church collection plate which is full of coins. The Jesus figurine on his dashboard looks as if it's about to cry)

Lovejoy: Oh, be cool for once.

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(Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are at the retirement home visiting Grampa)

Marge: See, Grampa, you still have a family. We still visit you even though we have no biological obligation.

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Grampa: So, Homer couldn't make it?

Lisa: No, but he told us to say hi. Hi!

(long pause)

Lisa: So...what setting is that fan on?

(pause)

Grampa: Medium.

(pause)

Lisa: I would've guessed low.

(pause)

Grampa: You would've guessed wrong.

Homer: Listen, I wanted to ask you if you could do something my former father never did for me.

Mason: Anything, son.

Homer: Teach me that the stove is hot.

Mason: Very well. No, Homer, mustn't touch. I said NO! Homer! All right, nap time.

Homer: But I'm not ti-re-re-re-d. coot15.mp3