The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
Homer's Phobia
Brother from Another Series
Homer: It's been two hours now. How do you feel?
Bart: I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette.
Homer: Good, let's buy you a pack. What brand?
Bart: Anything slim.
Homer: DANG!

Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little "festive" to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more, happy as a clam.
Marge: He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't?
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a Ho - mo...
Homer: Right.
Marge: ...Sexual.

Homer: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I danced with a gay!

Marge: I'm very sorry you feel that way, because John invited us out on a drive today, and we're going.
Homer: Whoa! Not me. And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he's... that way.
Marge: What on Earth are you talking about?
Homer: You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FA-LAMING!

John: Oh don't you love those curtains? I have the same exact ones, but only in my bathroom. Didn't you just die when you found these?
Marge: Not really. They just had corn on them. Kitchen, corn?

John: Zzzzzap!

[In a deleted scene on the DVD "Potty Time" and other deleted scenes on DVD, John is feeling lonely. Homer approaches John sitting on the couch.]
Homer: John? Still not talking to me, huh?
John: [nods head "yes"]
[Long pause]
John: I'm leaving.
Homer: Where are you going?
John: I'm getting married. See you there. [leaves]
Homer: But…why? You can't just go outside to marry people.
Alec Baldwin as Wedding Minister: Or would I?
Homer: Sir Alec? What are you doing here?
Wedding Minister: [brings Homer outside] I came here to encounter people on marriages. I am the minister. Reverend Lovejoy's twin brother.
Homer: Are you my twin brother?
Wedding Minister: Yes! That's right. John?
John: [shakes hands] Thanks, Alec. I just wanted to marry your wife.
Homer: Where is he going?
[Cut to Kwik-E-Mart]
Lurleen: I wanted a free slurpee.
Apu: No, I am very sorry, but we are sold out, but you are going to have to buy another one. [Homer walks in with John] Well, well, well. Looks who's here.
Homer: Uh, hi.
Apu: You again?
Wedding Minister: Yes. Me again. I just wanted to say we came in to Kwik-E-Mart. I like you to meet Homer, Marge's husband.
Apu: [crossing his arms] Oh, yes. Fantastic speech.
Wedding Minister: Very amazing, Apu. [to John] Go ahead John.
[John approaches Lurleen with a diamond ring in his ring]
John: Will you marry me?
Lurleen: Yes! Yes! [They both embrace.]
Homer: See? They always engage peoples' marriages. Come on, Alec. They're waiting in line.
[Cut to the church.]
John: [wearing a grooms' tuxedo] Hey, Homer. Is the night still young? And how do I look? Good?
Homer: Yes. I hear you the first time.
[Homer hears a piano playing in the background. Homer sits down.]
Homer: This is all too beautiful!
Bart: Dad, are you crying?
Homer: I can't help it, son. Someone always cries at weddings.
Wedding Minister: We are gathered here today for your honorable births between John Waters, and his amazing country singer.
John: Really? That's all what I can do. Maybe Homer's your brother.
Homer: I just wanted to pretend there are no bridesmaids in church. Ain't there?
Bart: Uh, no.
Wedding Minister: Do you, John Waters, take your amazing country singer to be your lawfully wedding wife?
John: I doubt it.
Homer: That is pathetic. If I'm not going to leave this ceremony, we are sitting impatiently until no one can put us under.
Wedding Minister: [to John] I now pronounce you husband and wife.
John: Oh, really? That's the correct answer about your speech, sir.
Wedding Minister: [to John] Yes, John. I stand corrected. You may now kiss the bride.
John: Fine. [grabs Lurleen's white dress and they both kiss passionately]
Homer: Phew. That's a very, long ceremony. Right, John? [notices John isn't here] John?
Wedding Minister: I demand you that this ceremony is very long, and no one can put us under. All rise, for weddings.
Homer: [stands up] Woohoo! [Bart hands Homer a tissue box] Thanks. [blows nose]
John: You OK, Homer?
Homer: Yes, sir. Definitely okay. [heads outside with the people leaving] We're leaving this ceremony right just now. Come on. Let's just have children.
John: That's because I already have children.
Homer: You do?
Wedding Minister: [to Reverend] Reverend, the ceremony is over.
Reverend Lovejoy: Yes, it's over. You may leave the church.

Bart: Oh, Dad. You are the living end.

Homer: You! I should have known.
John: Good morning, sunshine.
Marge: Homer, John brought us cactus candy.
Homer: Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. Just stay the hell away from my family!
John: Well, now you don't get any candy. No that's cruel. Just take a teensy piece.
Homer: No.
John: Homer, what have you got against gays?
Homer: You know. It's not... usual. If there was a law, it would be against it.

(whistle goes off)
Homer: Oh my god! What's happening now?
Rosco: We work hard, we play hard.
(Everybody Dance Now starts playing, as the whole room transforms into a Gay Nightclub)

[In another deleted scene and other stuff on DVD, the Nightclub is closed.]
Homer: What was I thinking? I don't want this place to be closed.

Barney: I always hoped Bart would grow up to be just like us. What happened?
Moe: Aw, it ain't no mystery. Whole modern world's got a swishifyin' effect on kids today. And their MTVs and their diet sodas ain't gonna set 'em straight, neither. You gotta do it yourself, Homer, and you gotta do it fast.
Homer: But what would turn Bart into a man fast? You have to think for me!
Moe: Well, let's see now, uh, time was you sent a boy off to war. Shooting a man'd fix 'em right up. But there's not even any wars no more, [sarcastically] thank you very much, Warren Christopher!
Barney: Hey, better yet, Bart could shoot a deer! That's like shooting a beautiful man.
Moe: Hey, he's right, Homer. After the boy bags a deer, all the diet sodas in the world won't turn him back. And you just sit back, [winks] and watch the grandkids roll in.

[Bart walks past, wearing a Hawaiian shirt]
Homer: Bart, where'd you get that shirt?
Bart: I dunno, came outta the closet.
Homer [slowly]: Uuuuh...huh.

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