Simpsons Wiki
Simpsons Wiki
Lisa's First Word
Homer's Triple Bypass
Marge vs. the Monorail
Homer: (Using the bed lifter) Bed goes up, bed goes down. Bed goes up, bed goes down. Bed goes up, bed goes down...
(In Lisa's imagination, of Homer in heaven)
Homer: (Using a cloud as a bed) Cloud goes up, cloud goes down, cloud goes up...

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving of some sort, heading in the direction know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Homer: Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it.
Marge: No there isn't.
Homer: Trust me. (starts eating bacon)
Bart: Dad, there's a bug on that.
Homer: Meh.

Homer: I keep hearing this irregular thumping noise.
Gas Station Attendant: It's your heart, and I think it's on its last thump!
Homer: Whew, I was afraid it was my transmission. (drives off.)
Kid: Where's he going?
Gas Station Attendant: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
Kid: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!
Gas Station Attendant: You're a dull boy, Billy.

Mr. Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there, Smithers?
Smithers:, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides!

Mr. Burns: [to Homer] Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
Homer: Whew...
Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired!
Homer: [gags]
Mr. Burns: But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...
Homer: Whew...
Mr. Burns: goofing off!
Homer: Aaargh!
Mr. Burns: Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
Homer: Whew...
Mr. Burns: ...a grave for!
Homer: Woo hoo!
Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!
Homer: [stares blankly]
Mr. Burns: That means, you're terrible!
Homer: [gasps, faints]
Mr. Burns: Hmm?
Smithers: Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. [Homer's ghost flies out of his body]
Mr. Burns: Oh dear, send a ham to his widow.
Homer's ghost: Mmm... ham. [flies back into his body and wakes up]
Smithers: No wait, he's alive!
Mr. Burns: Oh good. Cancel the ham!
Homer: D'oh!

[Marge, Patty and Selma are clipping discount coupons]
Patty: Buy three tubes of Mister Blister, get one free.
[The phone rings and Marge answers it]
Marge: Hello. Yes? Oh my Lord! (hangs up) Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [rushes off]
Patty: Oh my God!
Selma: What?
Patty: Five cents off wax paper!
Selma: [slaps her cheek in amazement]

(While watching a glowing Homer behind an X-ray)
Dr. Hibbert: Now Mrs. Simpson, what you see here is the radioactive dye we injected into your husband's bloodstream.
Nurse: But doctor! I haven't injected the dye yet!
Dr. Hibbert: Good Lord!

Homer: Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!

Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery.
Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo.
Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open, and tinker with your ticker.
Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?

Dr. Hibbert: I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards of $30,000.
Homer: Aaarrrggh! (collapses)
Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid it's now $40,000.

Marge: [to Homer] Don't you have a health plan at work?
Homer: We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge.
Marge: D'oh!

Homer: Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!

Homer: [to Reverend Lovejoy] Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $40,000? [Reverend Lovejoy's eyes widen]

Homer: [to Rabbi Krustofsky] Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I have rented Fiddler on the Roof, and I will watch it. Anyhoo, can I have $40,000?
Rabbi Krustofsky: Hmm?

Bart: Any luck, Dad?
Homer: No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel]
Bart: What is that?
Homer: Son, it's called a droodel.

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: Ehh. [shrugs]

Homer: [to Flanders] What are you in here for?
Flanders: I'm having a kidney and a lung removed.
Homer: Who are you donating them to?
Flanders: First come, first served.

Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it.
Homer: Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!
Barney: What? Well, what the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?

Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody! I'm Dr. Nick Riviera.
PA: Doctor Riviera, Doctor Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner immediately!
Dr. Nick: The coroner. I'm so sick of that guy!

Flanders: Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" volumes 1, 2, and 4.

Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an upside to it!

Dr. Nick is watching footage of heart surgery
Surgeon: And so we make the incision in the coronary artery...
Magentic static sweeps over footage of surgery
Talk Show Host: And we are back with more of People who Look Like Things.
Generic talk show music is heard as audience applauds guests, to include one with a head like an adding machine, one with a head like a palm tree, one with a head like a broom, one with a head like a jack o'lantern and one with a head like a coffee pot. Guests sit next to the objects they resemble.
Dr. Nick: {talking to himself} Oh no, no! Someone taped over the end of this!
Pumpkin Guest: All we ask is to be treated dignity and respect.
Talk Show Host: And a new candle now and then?
Pumpkin Guest: Yes, and a new..
Pumpkin Guest: {enraged} NO!
Audience bursts into laughter, Pumpkin guest sinks back into seat enraged.

Homer: And Lisa...
Bart: (whispers into Homer's ear)
Homer: I guess this is the time to tell you...
Bart: (whispers into Homer's ear)
Homer: ...that you're adopted and I don't like you..... BART!

Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!
Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick!
Dr. Nick: If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved! One hand washes the other... Oh, that reminds me!
He proceeds to wash his hands and apply pink rubber gloves.
Dr Nick: These gloves came free with my toilet brush.

Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: How long has it been?
Moe: 6 seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell, no.

Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
Customer: Give me some jerky.
Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?
Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure.

Nurse: Doctor, do you not know what to do?
Dr. Nick: Come on Nick, think back to medical school.
Flashback. A younger Nick is putting the moves on a college coed at a kegger
Nick: Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want.
Return to present.
Dr. Nick: I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? [removes his surgical mask] And where?
Lisa: [from the amphitheater] Hey! The incision should be made below the blockage! Below!
Dr. Nick: Thanks, little girl!

Dr. Nick: The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.

Lisa: All right, Dad!
Bart: You rule intensive care!

Season 3 Season 4 Quotes Season 5
Kamp KrustyA Streetcar Named MargeHomer the HereticLisa the Beauty QueenTreehouse of Horror IIIItchy & Scratchy: The MovieMarge Gets a JobNew Kid on the BlockMr. PlowLisa's First WordHomer's Triple BypassMarge vs. the MonorailSelma's ChoiceBrother from the Same PlanetI Love LisaDufflessLast Exit to SpringfieldSo It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip ShowThe FrontWhacking DayMarge in ChainsKrusty Gets Kancelled