: It's been two hours now. How do you feel?
Homer : I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette.
Bart Homer: Good, let's buy you a pack. What brand?
Bart: Anything slim.
: Homer, didn't John seem a little "festive" to you?
Marge Homer: Couldn't agree more, happy as a clam.
Marge: He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't?
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a Ho - mo...
Homer: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I danced with a gay!
Marge: I'm very sorry you feel that way, because John invited us out on a drive today, and we're going.
Homer: Whoa! Not me. And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he's... that way.
Marge: What on Earth are you talking about?
Homer: You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FA-LAMING!
: Oh don't you love those curtains? I have the same exact ones, but only in my bathroom. Didn't you just die when you found these?
John Marge: Not really. They just had corn on them. Kitchen, corn?
[In a deleted scene on the DVD "Potty Time" and other deleted scenes on DVD, John is feeling lonely. Homer approaches John sitting on the couch.]
Homer: John? Still not talking to me, huh?
John: [nods head "yes"]
John: I'm leaving.
Homer: Where are you going?
John: I'm getting married. See you there. [leaves]
Homer: But…why? You can't just go outside to marry people.
: Or would I?
Alec Baldwin as Wedding Minister Homer: Sir Alec? What are you doing here?
Wedding Minister: [brings Homer outside] I came here to encounter people on marriages. I am the minister. Reverend Lovejoy's twin brother.
Homer: Are you my twin brother?
Wedding Minister: Yes! That's right. John?
John: [shakes hands] Thanks, Alec. I just wanted to marry your wife.
Homer: Where is he going?
[Cut to Kwik-E-Mart]
Lurleen: I wanted a free slurpee.
Apu: No, I am very sorry, but we are sold out, but you are going to have to buy another one. [Homer walks in with John] Well, well, well. Looks who's here.
Homer: Uh, hi.
Apu: You again?
Wedding Minister: Yes. Me again. I just wanted to say we came in to Kwik-E-Mart. I like you to meet Homer, Marge's husband.
Apu: [crossing his arms] Oh, yes. Fantastic speech.
Wedding Minister: Very amazing, Apu. [to John] Go ahead John.
[John approaches Lurleen with a diamond ring in his ring]
John: Will you marry me?
Lurleen: Yes! Yes! [They both embrace.]
Homer: See? They always engage peoples' marriages. Come on, Alec. They're waiting in line.
[Cut to the church.]
John: [wearing a grooms' tuxedo] Hey, Homer. Is the night still young? And how do I look? Good?
Homer: Yes. I hear you the first time.
[Homer hears a piano playing in the background. Homer sits down.]
Homer: This is all too beautiful!
Bart: Dad, are you crying?
Homer: I can't help it, son. Someone always cries at weddings.
Wedding Minister: We are gathered here today for your honorable births between John Waters, and his amazing country singer.
John: Really? That's all what I can do. Maybe Homer's your brother.
Homer: I just wanted to pretend there are no bridesmaids in church. Ain't there?
Bart: Uh, no.
Wedding Minister: Do you, John Waters, take your amazing country singer to be your lawfully wedding wife?
John: I doubt it.
Homer: That is pathetic. If I'm not going to leave this ceremony, we are sitting impatiently until no one can put us under.
Wedding Minister: [to John] I now pronounce you husband and wife.
John: Oh, really? That's the correct answer about your speech, sir.
Wedding Minister: [to John] Yes, John. I stand corrected. You may now kiss the bride.
John: Fine. [grabs Lurleen's white dress and they both kiss passionately]
Homer: Phew. That's a very, long ceremony. Right, John? [notices John isn't here] John?
Wedding Minister: I demand you that this ceremony is very long, and no one can put us under. All rise, for weddings.
Homer: [stands up] Woohoo! [Bart hands Homer a tissue box] Thanks. [blows nose]
John: You OK, Homer?
Homer: Yes, sir. Definitely okay. [heads outside with the people leaving] We're leaving this ceremony right just now. Come on. Let's just have children.
John: That's because I already have children.
Homer: You do?
Wedding Minister: [to Reverend] Reverend, the ceremony is over.
Reverend Lovejoy: Yes, it's over. You may leave the church.
Bart: Oh, Dad. You are the living end.
Homer: You! I should have known.
John: Good morning, sunshine.
Marge: Homer, John brought us cactus candy.
Homer: Look, John, you seem like a perfectly nice guy and all. Just stay the hell away from my family!
John: Well, now you don't get any candy. No that's cruel. Just take a teensy piece.
John: Homer, what have you got against gays?
Homer: You know. It's not... usual. If there was a law, it would be against it.
(whistle goes off)
Homer: Oh my god! What's happening now?
Rosco: We work hard, we play hard.
Everybody Dance Now starts playing, as the whole room transforms into a Gay Nightclub)
[In another deleted scene and other stuff on DVD, the Nightclub is closed.]
Homer: What was I thinking? I don't want this place to be closed.
Barney: I always hoped Bart would grow up just like us. What happened?
Moe: Aw, it ain't no mystery. The whole modern world's got a swishifying effect on kids today. And their MTVs and their diet sodas ain't gonna set 'em straight, neither. You gotta do it yourself, Homer, and you gotta do it fast.
Homer: But what would turn Bart into a man fast? You have to think for me!
Moe: Well, let's see now, uh, time was you sent a boy off to war. Shooting a man'd fix 'em right up. But there's not even any wars no more, (Sarcastically) thank you very much, Warren Christopher!
Barney: Hey, better yet, Bart could shoot a deer! That's like shooting a beautiful man.
Moe: Hey, he's right, Homer. After the boy bags a deer, all the diet sodas in the world won't turn him back. And you just sit right back and watch the grandchildren roll in.
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