Homer Scissorhands/Quotes

Episode	References	Gags	Appearances	Gallery	Quotes	Credits

◄ The Real Housewives of Fat Tony

Homer Scissorhands

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Selma: I can't believe I'm saying this, Homer Simpson, do me.

(Homer thinks she wants to have sex with him and is about to cut his head off)

Selma: I meant my hair!

Homer: Oh. (Sighs in relief)

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Patty: Whoa! Who undid my do?

Ned: I didn't do diddily, and certainly not squat.

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Homer: (gasps) One hundred dollars?! Marge, how much is that in smackeroos?

Marge: One hundred.

Homer: Woo hoo!

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Marge: Well, Newsweek Magazine did say it's good to change careers, right after they laid off all their editors.

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Lisa: Why would a popular fifth grader like Taffy be interested in a Milhouse like Milhouse?

Bart: I don't know. It's one of those mysteries, like how do my clothes get clean and put back in my drawers?

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Homer: Like Mozart and Johnny Knoxville, my genius cannot be stopped! (sobbing) Oh, there's only one way out! I'm committing barbicide!

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Hans Moleman: (Lisa catches him and Lunchlady Doris at Holding Hands Point) We're just trying to put our relationship back together.

Lunchlady Doris: In the sack, he's Salsbury steak. Everywhere else, creamed corn.

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Marge: Ooh, Homie, you're making my toes curl. You sure know how to please a woman.

Homer: (chuckles) As long as it doesn't involve losing weight or changing my pants.

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Marge: Homer, thanks to your unlicensed barbery, Patty and Selma have been getting compliments all day at the DMV.

Grampa: You two look good. Open-casket good!

(Patty and Selma chuckle)

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Lindsey Naegle: I hear this is the home of Springfield's hottest hairdresser. I need a haircut, and I need it in three, two, one, now.

Homer: Lady, I'm not a hairdresser. I just put a new lid on a couple of trash cans.

(Patty and Selma grunt)

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Bart: (jumps in front of Lisa as she paints) I jumped in front of your picture! Now it's ruined!

Lisa: Bart, this isn't a photograph. I'm not gonna just paint you into my--

(sees that she has painted in Bart)

Lisa: Aah! You just ruined six months' work!

Bart: I'm really sorry it wasn't a year! (cackling)

Lisa: Augh! You're gonna regret the day you were born!

Bart: I already do. It's too close to Christmas.

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Selma: You did this? With your fat fingers and your brain the size of a superball?

(fade to cross-section of Homer's head, showing his brain bouncing around until it comes out his ear and bounces away)

Homer: And stay out!

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Milhouse: So, Lisa, I love you. Is that love "requited" or "un"?

Lisa: I'm sorry, but I don't love you, Milhouse, and I never will.

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Taffy: I thought that was beautiful.

Milhouse: You did?

Taffy: Yeah. It was romantic and it rhymed.

Milhouse: Well, I used a rhyming dictionary, but it only gives you options. The job of the poet is to say, "This one, I guess."

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Homer: All day long, they tell me stupid, pointless, boring stories, and I have to stand there listening with a phoney grin plastered on my face.

Moe: (with a phony grin plastered onto his face) Uh-huh.

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(After Taffy abandons Milhouse)

Milhouse: You don't want me to be with you, you don't want me to be with someone else. How miserable do I have to be before you're happy?

Lisa: Milhouse, I, I-- (groans)

(Lisa kisses Milhouse)

Milhouse: Lisa, does this mean you like me?

Lisa: Yes. No! I don't know! It means that... that life is full of unexpected things and you should never give up. And you're cute in the moonlight.

Milhouse: Aah! (falls off mountain, but "rescued" by eagle) Everything's coming up, Milhouse!

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Sideshow Mel: (announcing who enters the Policemen's Ball) Doctor and Mrs. Julius Hibbert! Mr. Discotheque Stuart, unaccompanied!

Disco Stu: My girlfriend isn't feeling well tonight.

Sideshow Mel: Krusty the Clown and Disco Stu's girlfriend!