Bart: This ghost town is gonna be great. Now with 30% more gunfights!
Marge: And 40% more root'n toot'n!
Homer: (looking at his watch) Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there.
Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.
Tour Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849 and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St. Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer: Three minutes! (Whistles)
Marge: I never realized history was so filthy!
Tour Guide: First on our tour is the whorehouse. Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and finally the old mission.
Marge: Oh, thank heaven!
Tour Guide: Lots of prostitutes in there.
Marge: (to Homer) What is it with you and robots?
Grampa: Ah, can't get a good sasparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood.
Bartender: Heh, you like it, huh?
Grampa: Up yours!!
Robot Cowboy 1: I don't know what came over me.
Robot Cowboy 2: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
Homer: What the heck is this?! A tea party? Somebody kill somebody!
Grampa: Can I go to the bathroom before we leave?
Homer: Oh, we've got to get home! I don't want to miss "Inside the Actor's Studio!" Tonight, it's F. Murray Abraham!
Grampa: But I really need to ...
Homer: F ... MURRAY ... ABRAHAM!
Homer: Pork chops, sloppy joes, hot dogs and pork chops!
Marge: Well, Dr. Hibbert said you have to build up your strength.
Lisa: Besides, nothing's too good for a wonderful, generous man like you.
Homer: Well, that's what I always thought, but somehow...
Homer: Come on, Doc, there's gotta be something I can do to help my dad!
Dr. Hibbert: Well, you could give him a kidney.
Homer: A kidney? OK, fine.
Dr. Hibbert: You see, the waiting list for a kidney is very long, and...
Homer: I said fine! What is it about the word "sure" you don't understand?
Homer: Why didn't somebody tell me what I was volunteering for? This is everybody's fault but mine!
Homer: "Liability waiver"?
Receptionist: Don't read it, just sign it.
Homer: Yeah, but all these skulls and crossbones on here... I don't usually sign stuff like that.
Receptionist: It simply says you won't hold us responsible if you die as a result of gross negligence. It's a standard form.
Dr. Hibbert: (after Homer escapes from the hospital) We've gotta get rid of that window.
Lisa: I can't imagine Dad running away like this, leaving his father to die...
Bart: Even I wouldn't do that, and I'm America's bad boy.
Grampa: Am I dead yet?
Grampa: How 'bout now?
Marge: I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa!
Marge: Aren't you going to give him the last rites?
Reverend Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.
Homer: Excuse me. I'm fleeing in shame, and I'd like to look my best.
Homer: Um, can I be a mate on your ship? Preferably first mate.
Clerk: Well, if you look closely, you'll see this is a taffy shop shaped like a ship.
Homer: Aw... I like taffy, but I don't deserve taffy.
Homer: This is the last time I trust the strangest people on Earth!
Homer: I can live at sea! The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains.