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Bart the Lover
Homer at the Bat
Separate Vocations
José Canseco is walking by a burning house when he hears a baby crying.
Woman: My baby!
José Canseco: Don't worry, ma'am, I'll save your baby!
José Canseco runs into burning house and emerges with baby.
Woman: Thank you!
Cat mewling is heard.
Woman: My cat!
José Canseco: Never fear, ma'am, I'll save your cat!
José Canseco runs into burning house and emerges with cat.
Woman: Thank you Mr. Canseco!
"Camptown Races" is heard.
Woman: My player piano!
José Canseco: Oh, man!

Springfield Hospital. Dr. Hibbert is using a Geiger counter on a sick Mike Scioscia.
Dr. Hibbert: Er, Mike, try to lift your arm.
Mike Scioscia: Can't... lift arm... or speak... at... normal... rate
Dr. Hibbert: Now son, it looks like you have acute radiation poisoning.
Mike Scioscia: Will... I... be.. able.. to.. play... softball... tomorrow?
Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) No, by tomorrow you'll barely be able to breath!
Mike Scioscia: Oh... man...
Nurse: Doctor, come quick! Ken Griffey, Jr. needs your help immediately; it looks like an overdose of nerve tonic.
Dr. Hibbert sees Ken Griffey, Jr. in a wheelchair with an enlarged cranium.
Dr. Hibbert: Oh my lord, gigantism!

(Wade Boggs is arguing in Moe's Tavern with a drunken Barney Gumble)
Barney: And I say England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
(Barney knocks Boggs out)
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney! Heh, Pitt the Elder.
Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!
(Barney knocks Moe out too)

Mr. Burns: No, Smithers, I've decided to bring in a few ringers. Professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "3-Finger" Brown...
Smithers: Sir?
Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
Smithers: I'm afraid all those players have retired and... passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years.
Mr. Burns: Damnation! Alright, find me some good players. LIVING players! Scour the professional ranks. The American League, the National League, the Negro League!

[All the kids are shouting Pick Me! So Ralph and Bart can choose their teams for their own softball game]
Ken Griffey Jr.: Pick Me! Pick Me!
Ralph: I pick Ken Griffey Jr..
Bart: Aw, geez. Okay, I pick, Milhouse.
[Wade Boggs walks by]
Ralph: Hey Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team?
Wade Boggs: You got yourself a player. [He goes over the fence]
Bart: Damn. Okay, I pick. Lewis.
[José Canseco walks towards the boys for the game]
Ralph: I'll take José Canseco.
Bart: D'oh!

(Don Mattingly returns to the field wearing a mohawk hairdo after Mr. Burns asked him to shave off his sideburns, which never existed in the first place.)
Mr. Burns: (gasps) Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! GO HOME!!! YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM, FOR GOOD!!!
Don Mattingly: Fine! (to himself) I still like him better than Steinbrenner.


Mr. Burns: (checking his watch) It's almost game time, Smithers! Where the devil are my ringers?
Smithers: (reading from a clipboard) Sir, Mike Scioscia may not live through the night... Steve Sax is looking at six consecutive life sentences... and Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the Earth.
(Cut to Ozzie Smith trapped in the mystery spot, still falling)
Ozzie: Aaaaaaaaaaah! (Einstein's formula floats past Ozzie. He takes a picture of it) Cool! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Mr. Burns: What about Canseco?
(Cut to José Canseco carrying a dryer across the lawn which is covered by rugs, chairs and other appliances. He sets the dryer next to another appliance)
Woman: The dryer goes on the right.
Canseco: Yes, ma'am (Canseco moves the dryer to the right of the other appliance).
Mr. Burns: What about Clemens?
Smithers: Sir, he's in no condition to play.
(Camera pans out to reveal he's clucking like a chicken)
Mr. Burns: That damn hypnotist! (storming over to him) YOU! Look what you've done! My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken! Make no mistake, I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association!
Hypnotist: (using his pendulum on Burns) But I did a job... A good job...
Mr. Burns: Oh well. I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job.
Homer's Brain: [When listening to Mr Burns' softball rambling] Uh oh I don't like what he's saying, I wish I was at home with a bag of potato chips, mmmm... Potato Chips [drools].

Hypnotist: You will give 110 percent.
Players: That's impossible. No one can give more than 100 percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.

Steve: (driving through Springfield) What a nice little town. Maybe I'll buy a home here when I retire. (hears police sirens. He stops his car. Eddie and Lou pull up behind him and walk up to his window.) What seems to be the problem, officers?
Eddie: That's enough out of you, smart guy.
Lou: (points gun at Steve) Reach for your license. (puts safety on) Slowly.
(Steve hands over his license)
Eddie: Well, well. Steve Sax from New York City.
Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that, now would you Steve? (he and Eddie start laughing)
Steve: But there's hundreds of unsolved murders in New York!
Lou: (levels his gun at Steve) You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you Saxy boy?
(Cut later to Sax sitting in jail. Wiggum, Eddie and Lou are standing outside the cell talking)
Wiggum: Nice work, boys. I think we can close the book on just about every unsolved crime in our fair city.
Steve: (stands up) Don't I at least get to call my lawyer?
(Wiggum and Eddie leave)
Lou (points at Steve) You watch too many movies, Sax.
(Steve sits back down and laments his cruel fate)

Ozzie Smith: (he is at the Springfield Mystery Spot in front of the paying booth) How long does it take to see this thing? I'm kind of in a hurry.
Employee: Well, it's hard to say, my friend. Once you go in, you may never come out.
Ozzie: (amazed) Wow! One, please! (he pays a dollar and walks into shack opposite the booth. As soon as he enters, screaming is heard as he falls through the mystery spot)
Employee: (chuckles)


Season 2 Season 3 Quotes Season 4
Stark Raving DadMr. Lisa Goes to WashingtonWhen Flanders FailedBart the MurdererHomer DefinedLike Father, Like ClownTreehouse of Horror IILisa's PonySaturdays of ThunderFlaming Moe'sBurns Verkaufen der KraftwerkI Married MargeRadio BartLisa the GreekHomer AloneBart the LoverHomer at the BatSeparate VocationsDog of DeathColonel HomerBlack WidowerThe Otto ShowBart's Friend Falls in LoveBrother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?
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