Simpsons Wiki
Bart the Lover
Homer at the Bat
Separate Vocations
José Canseco is walking by a burning house when he hears a baby crying.
Woman: My baby!
José Canseco: Don't worry, ma'am, I'll save your baby!
José Canseco runs into burning house and emerges with baby.
Woman: Thank you!
Cat mewling is heard.
Woman: My cat!
José Canseco: Never fear, ma'am, I'll save your cat!
José Canseco runs into burning house and emerges with cat.
Woman: Thank you Mr. Canseco!
"Camptown Races" is heard.
Woman: My player piano!
José Canseco: Oh, man!

Springfield Hospital. Dr. Hibbert is using a Geiger counter on a sick Mike Scioscia.
Dr. Hibbert: Er, Mike, try to lift your arm.
Mike Scioscia: Can't... lift arm... or speak... at... normal... rate
Dr. Hibbert: Now son, it looks like you have acute radiation poisoning.
Mike Scioscia: Will... I... be.. able.. to.. play... softball... tomorrow?
Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) No, by tomorrow you'll barely be able to breath!
Mike Scioscia: Oh... man...
Nurse: Doctor, come quick! Ken Griffey, Jr. needs your help immediately; it looks like an overdose of nerve tonic.
Dr. Hibbert sees Ken Griffey, Jr. in a wheelchair with an enlarged cranium.
Dr. Hibbert: Oh my lord, gigantism!

(Wade Boggs is arguing in Moe's Tavern with a drunken Barney Gumble)
Barney: And I say England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
(Barney knocks Boggs out)
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney! Heh, Pitt the Elder.
Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!
(Barney knocks Moe out too)

Mr. Burns: No, Smithers, I've decided to bring in a few ringers. Professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "3-Finger" Brown...
Smithers: Sir?
Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
Smithers: I'm afraid all those players have retired and... passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years.
Mr. Burns: Damnation! Alright, find me some good players. LIVING players! Scour the professional ranks. The American League, the National League, the Negro League!
---- ----
[All the kids are shouting Pick Me! So Ralph and Bart can choose their teams for their own softball game]
Ken Griffey Jr.: Pick Me! Pick Me!
Ralph: I pick Ken Griffey Jr..
Bart: Aw, geez. Okay, I pick, Milhouse.
[Wade Boggs walks by]
Ralph: Hey Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team?
Wade Boggs: You got yourself a player. [He goes over the fence]
Bart: Damn. Okay, I pick. Lewis.
[José Canseco walks towards the boys for the game]
Ralph: I'll take José Canseco.
Bart: D'oh!

(Don Mattingly returns to the field wearing a mohawk hairdo after Mr. Burns asked him to shave off his sideburns, which never existed in the first place.)
Mr. Burns: (gasps) Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! GO HOME!!! YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM, FOR GOOD!!!
Don Mattingly: Fine! (to himself) I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Mr. Burns: What about Clemens?
Smithers: Sir, he's in no condition to play.
(Camera pans out to reveal he's clucking like a chicken)
Mr. Burns: That damn hypnotist! (storming over to him) YOU! Look what you've done! My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken! Make no mistake, I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association!
Hypnotist: (using his pendulum on Burns) But I did a job... A good job...
Mr. Burns: Oh well. I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job.
Homer's Brain: [When listening to Mr Burns' softball rambling] Uh oh I don't like what he's saying, I wish I was at home with a bag of potato chips, mmmm... Potato Chips [drools].

Hypnotist: You will give 110 percent.
Players: That's impossible. No one can give more than 100 percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.

Season 2 Season 3 Quotes Season 4
Stark Raving DadMr. Lisa Goes to WashingtonWhen Flanders FailedBart the MurdererHomer DefinedLike Father, Like ClownTreehouse of Horror IILisa's PonySaturdays of ThunderFlaming Moe'sBurns Verkaufen der KraftwerkI Married MargeRadio BartLisa the GreekHomer AloneBart the LoverHomer at the BatSeparate VocationsDog of DeathColonel HomerBlack WidowerThe Otto ShowBart's Friend Falls in LoveBrother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?