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Homer at the Bat |
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- José Canseco is walking by a burning house when he hears a baby crying.
- Woman: My baby!
- José Canseco: Don't worry, ma'am, I'll save your baby!
- José Canseco runs into burning house and emerges with baby.
- Woman: Thank you!
- Cat mewling is heard.
- Woman: My cat!
- José Canseco: Never fear, ma'am, I'll save your cat!
- José Canseco runs into burning house and emerges with cat.
- Woman: Thank you Mr. Canseco!
- "Camptown Races" is heard.
- Woman: My player piano!
- José Canseco: Oh, man!
- Springfield Hospital. Dr. Hibbert is using a Geiger counter on a sick Mike Scioscia.
- Dr. Hibbert: Er, Mike, try to lift your arm.
- Mike Scioscia: Can't... lift arm... or speak... at... normal... rate
- Dr. Hibbert: Now son, it looks like you have acute radiation poisoning.
- Mike Scioscia: Will... I... be.. able.. to.. play... softball... tomorrow?
- Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) No, by tomorrow you'll barely be able to breath!
- Mike Scioscia: Oh... man...
- Nurse: Doctor, come quick! Ken Griffey, Jr. needs your help immediately; it looks like an overdose of nerve tonic.
- Dr. Hibbert sees Ken Griffey, Jr. in a wheelchair with an enlarged cranium.
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh my lord, gigantism!
- (Wade Boggs is arguing in Moe's Tavern with a drunken Barney Gumble)
- Barney: And I say England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
- Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
- Barney: Lord Palmerston!
- Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!
- Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
- (Barney knocks Boggs out)
- Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney! Heh, Pitt the Elder.
- Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!
- (Barney knocks Moe out too)
- Mr. Burns: No, Smithers, I've decided to bring in a few ringers. Professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "3-Finger" Brown...
- Smithers: Sir?
- Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
- Smithers: I'm afraid all those players have retired and... passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years.
- Mr. Burns: Damnation! Alright, find me some good players. LIVING players! Scour the professional ranks. The American League, the National League, the Negro League!
- ---- ----
- [All the kids are shouting Pick Me! So Ralph and Bart can choose their teams for their own softball game]
- Ken Griffey Jr.: Pick Me! Pick Me!
- Ralph: I pick Ken Griffey Jr..
- Bart: Aw, geez. Okay, I pick, Milhouse.
- [Wade Boggs walks by]
- Ralph: Hey Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team?
- Wade Boggs: You got yourself a player. [He goes over the fence]
- Bart: Damn. Okay, I pick. Lewis.
- [José Canseco walks towards the boys for the game]
- Ralph: I'll take José Canseco.
- Bart: D'oh!
- (Don Mattingly returns to the field wearing a mohawk hairdo after Mr. Burns asked him to shave off his sideburns, which never existed in the first place.)
- Mr. Burns: (gasps) Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! GO HOME!!! YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM, FOR GOOD!!!
- Don Mattingly: Fine! (to himself) I still like him better than Steinbrenner.
- Mr. Burns: What about Clemens?
- Smithers: Sir, he's in no condition to play.
- (Camera pans out to reveal he's clucking like a chicken)
- Mr. Burns: That damn hypnotist! (storming over to him) YOU! Look what you've done! My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken! Make no mistake, I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association!
- Hypnotist: (using his pendulum on Burns) But I did a job... A good job...
- Mr. Burns: Oh well. I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job.
- Homer's Brain: [When listening to Mr Burns' softball rambling] Uh oh I don't like what he's saying, I wish I was at home with a bag of potato chips, mmmm... Potato Chips [drools].
- Hypnotist: You will give 110 percent.
- Players: That's impossible. No one can give more than 100 percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.
