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Homer the Heretic |
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- (Groundskeeper Willie starts working on melting the ice from the church door with a welding torch.)
- Reverend Lovejoy: How's that door coming, Willie?
- Willie: Miracles are yer department, Reverend!
- Flanders Family: Get those animals, out on the arkey, arkey!
- Homer: GROWL!
- Homer guns it on the accelerator to avoid the Flanderses, who bother him even on the road.
- Rod Flanders: Dad, the heathen's getting away!
- Ned: I see him, son!
- (Music akin to the Mission: Impossible theme plays as Ned puts his foot down on the gas and chases Homer. Homer attempts a dangerous stunt: a railroad crossing just before a train is coming and Ned attempts an even more dangerous stunt: launching his car through an open boxcar. A furious Homer swerves right and drives off pier and lands his car onto a garbage barge that just departed, forcing Ned to rapidly slam the brakes and the Flanderses to give up pursuit. Homer gloats as the Flanders family watches him float away.)
- Homer: Tough break, Ned! Heh Heh Heh! (Turns to Barge Crewman) Where are we going?
- Barge Crewman: Garbage Island.
- Homer: Apu, I see you're not in church.
- Apu: Oh, but I am! I have a shrine to Ganesha, the god of worldly wisdom, located in the employee lounge.
- (Apu shows Homer his handmade shrine)
- Homer: Hey Ganesha, want a peanut?
- Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.
- Homer: No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must have been out takin' a whiz.
- Apu: Mr. Simpson! Please pay for your purchases and get out, and come again!
- Krusty: Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of 75 Jewish clowns. The worst incident was during our convention at Lubbock, Texas. There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere! (Sobbing) It was terrible!
- Homer: Wait a minute! Is this a religious thing?
- Krusty: A religious clown thing, yes.
- Homer: Sorry.
- Krusty: Well, bless you anyw-
- (Homer slams the door in Krusty's face)
- (Homer wakes up to find the Simpson residence is aflame and he is trapped inside)
- Homer: Ahh! What do I do? What do I do? (starts to cough) Oh, the song. The song!
- Homer: (singing) When the fire starts to burn,
- There's a lesson you must learn.
- Something something, then you'll see:
- You'll avoid catastrophe!
- (Homer realizes he forgot the lyrics)
- Homer: (talking) D'oh!
- Apu: (to the bullies) You are on your honor not to steal anything!
- Kearney: (sarcastically, as he's eating out of a Krusty Cereal box) Oh we won't!.
- Apu picks up Jamshed, who is a small child and places him on the counter.
- Apu: Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands.
- Jamshed: I have waited for this day.
- Jamshed loads a double-barreled shotgun and takes aim. Jimbo and his gang stare in horror.
- Homer: Flanders, you saved me! Why?
- Ned: Heck! You would have done the same for me.
- Homer imagines the Flanders residence aflame. Ned is yelling out the window while Homer is lounging in the hammock
- Ned: Help! Help!
- Homer: He he he he ha he.
- Homer returns to reality.
- Homer: That's right, old friend.
- Homer: Boy, everyone is stupid, except me.
- (A few moments later he falls asleep and the cigar sets the house aflame)
- Homer: You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here.
- Marge: Yes, the lesson is-
- Homer: No don't tell me! I'll get it. The Lord is vengeful. Oh, spiteful one! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten!
- Ned: (Chuckling) Homer, God didn't set your house on fire.
- Lovejoy: No, but He was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they went to your aid.
- Lovejoy points out Ned Flanders.
- Lovejoy: Be they Christian...
- Lovejoy points out Krusty.
- Lovejoy: Jew or...
- Lovejoy points out Apu.
- Lovejoy: ...miscellaneous.
- Apu: Hindu! There are 700 million of us.
- Lovejoy: (sarcastically) Aww, that's super!
- Homer: Hey wait a minute. Flanders is a regular Charlie Church and god didn't save his house. (Rain puts out the fire and a rainbow appears on the house.) D'oh!
- Homer: What's the meaning of life?
- God: Homer, I can't tell you that. You'll find out when you die.
- Homer: I can't wait that long!
- God: You can't wait six months?
- Homer: No, tell me now!
- God: Oh, all right. The meaning of life is—
- Show Ends