Homer the Moe/Quotes

Moe: That's the stupidest story I've ever heard, and I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series.

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Homer: Geez, Moe. You've been a real crank lately.

Moe [takes out a shotgun]: You take that back.

Homer: Now, you see. That's what I'm talkin' about. You're always pointing that shotgun at us.

Lenny: And callin' us dumbasses.

Carl: Which we are so not.

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Lisa: It's not fair, Dad. Why should an animal die just because you and Moe are fighting?

Homer: It's the law. My hands are tied.

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Homer [to Moe]: Well, you've turned into a big phony!

Moe: Hey, nobody calls Moe St. Cool a phony!

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Homer: I'm sorry I shot you, Moe.

Moe: Aw, that's okay. It's like my dad always said, "Eventually, everybody gets shot."

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[An eagle starts pecking at Moe's face]

Moe: Ow, ow! Not the face! [the eagle starts pecking at Moe's crotch] Ooh, ooh, okay the face! [the eagle starts pecking Moe's face again] Ooh. Whoa, that actually feels good after the...after the crotch.

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[When Moe gives Homer some last-minute instructions]

Moe: And if anyone wants potato chips or anything fancy, tell 'em to go to Hell.

Homer: Can do. Now, don't you worry about a thing. [he gleefully turns on a beer tap, spilling the beer on the floor]

Moe: [shuts the tap off] Hey, what are you doing? I gotta pay for that!

Homer: No, Moe, you've got it all wrong. People buy beer from you.

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Homer [singing while walking to Moe's]: I'm a-walking down the street, gonna open Moe's bar. I'm a-singing what I'm thinking [points to a dog] hey, look at that dog!

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Carl: I don't get all this eyeball stuff. Uh, what are they supposed to represent? Uh, eyeballs?

Moe: It's po-mo! [Homer, Barney, Lenny, and Carl stare blankly] Post-modern! [Homer, Lenny, Barney, and Carl continue to stare blankly] Yeah, all right, weird for the sake of weird.

Homer, Barney, Carl, and Lenny: Oooh!

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Homer: Uh, whatever, just give me a Duff.

Moe: Oh, we don't serve Duff no more. We got a Malaysian beer that's better than Duff. It's made out of soy sauce. [hands Homer a bottle]

Homer: Uh, whatever. Just give me a Duff.

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Supermodel: After Chernobyl, my penis is falling off.

Moe: And "penis" is Russian for ...?

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Marge [to Homer] Running a bar is a full-time job and you don't even do your full-time job.

Homer: Well, when I'm passionate about something, I see it through to the end. [moves some boxes, discovering a half-finished robot]

Robot: Father, give me legs. [Homer tosses out the robot] Father! [Homer stares it down, and the robot drags himself away on the street on his "arms"]

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Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep!

Marge: I thought this was gonna be your bar.

Homer: It's a family bar, right, kids? [scene shows Bart and Lisa washing glasses and cutting up lemons]

Lisa: Can we go to bed now?

Homer: As soon as you finish cutting up those lemons.

Lisa: But you're not even using them.

Homer: [in mock baby-talk] She's so sweepy, she doesn't even know what she's saying.

Carl and Lenny: Aww.

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Moe: How could I toss my friends out into the cold? With no place to get liquored up?

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Michael Stipe: (to Homer) You lied to us! [attacks Homer, but the other members of R.E.M. hold him back]

Mike Mills: Michael, no!

Peter Buck: That's not the R.E.M. way.

Michael Stipe: You're right. Let's recycle those shards and get out of here.

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Moe: Lisa!

Lisa: Moe?

Moe: Listen, I don't like you, you don't like me, but we both want to stop Homer from shooting a turkey.

Lisa: You don't like me? I like you.

Moe: You do? Then I like you, too.

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Lisa: [to Moe] How'd you get the bar back to normal so quickly, Moe?

Moe: It's a snap when you use certified contractors.

Bart: Like the ones found in your local yellow pages?

Moe: Exactly.

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