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|Homer the Vigilante||
- Flanders: Welcome, neighbors. Since the police can't seem to get off their dufferoonies to do something about this burglarino, I think it's time we started our own neighborhood watch... eroony!
- Homer: (approaching a man playing a sax) Hey, buddy. Where'd you get that saxophone?
- Man: Sears.
- Homer: Get him!
- Homer: No burning leaves without a permit!
- Man: I got one.
- Homer: Too late!
- Homer: Okay, we got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need codenames. I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be 8-Ball, Barney will be 12-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball.
- Moe: You're an idiot.
- Lisa: Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?
- Homer: I dunno. Coast Guard?
- Homer: (reading newspaper) "Asleep at the switch"?! I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!
- Abe: I'll join! I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar.
- Homer: Hmm, sorry, Dad. You're too old.
- Abe: (sputtering) Too old?! Why, that just means I have experience! Who chased the Irish out of Springfield Village in aught-four? Me, that's who!
- Homer: Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things. But you're a very old man now, and old people are useless.
- Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80% while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking 900%?
- Homer: Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that.
- Kent Brockman: I see. What do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
- Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
- Kent Brockman: Touche.
- Kent Brockman: When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be.
- Marge: Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance?
- Homer: (to a jar nearby) Curse you, magic beans!
- Marge: Oh, stop blaming the beans.
- Homer: It's time to clean up this town!
- Seymour Skinner: Meaning what, exactly?
- Homer: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.
- Bart: Dad...we've been robbed!
- Lisa: Wake up, Dad, wake up! There was a burglar and he took my saxophone!
- Homer: Woo-hoo!
- Bart: And our portable TV!
- Homer: D'oh!
- Marge: And my necklace!
- Homer: Ehh, that's no big loss.
- Marge: Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom!
- Homer: Oh, you've probably got a whole drawer full of 'em.
- Marge: Well, yes I do, but they're all heirlooms too.
- Bart: Burglar even took my stamp collection!
- Lisa: You had a stamp collection?
- (Homer, Marge and Lisa laugh at Bart; a phone rings, Bart picks it up)
- Nelson: Stamp collection? Ha-ha!
- Abe: So, you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older, and I outsmarted him! (laughs)
- Homer: Shut up.
- Abe: I've had my moment.
- Chief Wiggum: (at the bottom of a large hole searching for the money) No, no, dig up, stupid!
- Phil Silvers as Otto Meyer: What's the matter with ya, kid? You told me this stream was shallow! Why you... (chuckles relentlessly) Oh, kid. I'll get even with you. (chuckles more as he sinks; Bart casually waves him farewell)