Flanders: Welcome, neighbors. Since the police can't seem to get off their dufferoonies to do something about this burglarino, I think it's time we started our own neighborhood watch... eroony!
Homer: (approaching a man playing a sax) Hey, buddy. Where'd you get that saxophone?
Homer: Get him!
Homer: No burning leaves without a permit!
Man: I got one.
Homer: Too late!
Homer: Okay, we got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need codenames. I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be 8-Ball, Barney will be 12-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball.
Moe: You're an idiot.
Lisa: Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?
Homer: I dunno. Coast Guard?
Homer: (reading newspaper) "Asleep at the switch"?! I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!
Abe: I'll join! I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar.
Homer: Hmm, sorry, Dad. You're too old.
Abe: (sputtering) Too old?! Why, that just means I have experience! Who chased the Irish out of Springfield Village in aught-four? Me, that's who!
Homer: Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things. But you're a very old man now, and old people are useless.
Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80% while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking 900%?
Homer: Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that.
Kent Brockman: I see. What do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent Brockman: Touche.
Kent Brockman: When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be.
Marge: Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance?
Homer: (to a jar nearby) Curse you, magic beans!
Marge: Oh, stop blaming the beans.
Homer: It's time to clean up this town!
Seymour Skinner: Meaning what, exactly?
Homer: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.
Bart: Dad...we've been robbed!
Lisa: Wake up, Dad, wake up! There was a burglar and he took my saxophone!
Bart: And our portable TV!
Marge: And my necklace!
Homer: Ehh, that's no big loss.
Marge: Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom!
Homer: Oh, you've probably got a whole drawer full of 'em.
Marge: Well, yes I do, but they're all heirlooms too.
Bart: Burglar even took my stamp collection!
Lisa: You had a stamp collection?
(Homer, Marge and Lisa laugh at Bart; a phone rings, Bart picks it up)
Nelson: Stamp collection? Ha-ha!
Abe: So, you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older, and I outsmarted him! (laughs)
Homer: Shut up.
Abe: I've had my moment.
Chief Wiggum: (at the bottom of a large hole searching for the money) No, no, dig up, stupid!
Phil Silvers as Otto Meyer: What's the matter with ya, kid? You told me this stream was shallow! Why you... (chuckles relentlessly) Oh, kid. I'll get even with you. (chuckles more as he sinks; Bart casually waves him farewell)