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Homer the Vigilante |
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- Jimbo (throws a sack of doorknobs at Homer's feet): You let me down, man. Now I don't believe in nothin' no more! I'm goin' to law school!
- Homer (screaming): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Homer: (approaching a man playing a sax) Hey, buddy. Where'd you get that saxophone?
- Man: Sears.
- Homer: Get him!
- Homer: No burning leaves without a permit!
- Man: I got one.
- Homer: Too late!
- Homer: Okay, we got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need codenames. I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be 8-Ball, Barney will be 12-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball.
- Moe: You're an idiot.
- Lisa: Dad, don't you see you're abusing your power like all vigilantes? I mean, if you're the police, who will police the police?
- Homer: I dunno. Coast Guard?
- Homer: (reading newspaper) "Asleep at the switch"?! I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!
- Bart (sympathetically): I believe you, Dad.
- Abe: I'll join! I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar.
- Homer: Hmm, sorry, Dad. You're too old.
- Abe: (sputtering) Too old?! Why, that just means I have experience! Who chased the Irish out of Springfield Village in aught-four? Me, that's who!
- Random Irishman: And a fine job ya did, too.
- Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charge that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down 80% while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking 900%?
- Homer: Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that.
- Kent Brockman: I see. What do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
- Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
- Kent Brockman: Touché.
- Homer: So I says, "Look, buddy. Your car was upside-down when we got here. And as for your grandma? She shouldn't have mouthed off like that!"
- Marge: Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance?
- Homer: (to a jar nearby) Curse you, magic beans!
- Marge: Oh, stop blaming the beans.
- Homer: It's time to clean up this town!
- Seymour Skinner: Meaning what, exactly?
- Homer: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.
- Principal Skinner: Dear Lord! My Stormin' Norman commemorative plates have been stolen...(dejectedly): again.
- Bart: Burglar even took my stamp collection!
- Lisa: You had a stamp collection?
- (Homer, Marge and Lisa laugh at Bart; a phone rings, Bart picks it up)
- Nelson: Stamp collection? Ha-ha!
- Mayor Quimby: (at the bottom of a large hole searching for the money) Mmm. I guess we're not gonna find anything.
- Otto Mann: Heh. How are we gonna get out of here?
- Homer: We'll dig our way out! (Everyone keeps digging)
- Chief Wiggum: No, no, dig up, stupid!
- Phil Silvers: What's the matter with ya, kid? You told me this stream was shallow! Why you... (crying as his car sinks) Oh, kid. I'll get even with you. (cries some more as he completely sinks; Bart casually waves goodbye to him)