Ned Flanders: [about the cable TV man] I should box your ears, you, you, you SNEAKY PETE!
Homer: [reading the "So You've Decided to Steal Cable" pamphlet] So you've decided to steal cable. Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations, which makes it okay.
(When Marge and the kids come home from shopping.)
Homer: Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable!
Bart and Lisa: Cable!? (they excitedly clamor in front of the TV.)
Homer: That's right, 68 channels. MTV for the kids, (to Marge) VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming, every day!
Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before. Do you really think we can afford it?
Homer: (chuckles) Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that.
Marge: Hmmmm. Are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Don't worry, Marge. Take a look at this. (hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So, You've Decided To Steal Cable.")
Marge: (reads from pamphlet) "Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less, and are repeated ad nauseam."
Bart: [watching cable TV] Oh, cool! This is where "Jaws" eats the boat! [later] Man, this is where "Die Hard" jumps through the window. (laughs) [later] Whoa! This is where "Wall Street" gets arrested! (chuckles)
Reverend Lovejoy: Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He thinks he's got it made. He's got his hi-fi. His boob tube. And his instant pizza-pie.
Miss Allbright: Today's topic will be Hell.
Bart: All right. I sat through Mercy and I sat through Forgiveness. Finally, we get to the good stuff.
Miss Allbright: Oh no Hell is a horrible place. Maggots are on your sheet, worms are in your blanket, there's a lake of fire burning with sulfur. You'll be tormented day and night for ever and ever. And as a matter of fact, if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened, you will die.
Bart: [raises his hand] Oh, Miss Allbright.
Miss Allbright: Yes, Bart.
Bart: Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?
Miss Allbright: No.
Bart raises his hand again
Miss Allbright: Yes, Bart.
Bart: Are there pirates in hell?
Miss Allbright: Yes. Thousands of them.
Bart: [rubs his hands] Hoo hoo, baby!
Marge: [asks the kids about Sunday school] So, what did you children learn about today?
Bart: Well, that's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you we learned about hell unless I say "hell," can I?
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear!
Satan: Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Heh heh. It won't cost you a thing ... EXCEPT FOR YOUR SOUL!
Lisa: [screams and runs out]
Marge: What's gotten into Lisa?
Bart: Beats the hell out of me!
[while Marge and Lisa are at the supermarket; Marge takes a grape and eats it]
Lisa: Mom, what are you doing?
Marge: What, what do you mean?
Lisa: Don't you remember the eighth commandment?
Marge: Oh, of course. It's thou shalt not um not covet, um, graven images, something about covet...
Lisa: [shouts] THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!!!
Lisa: Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption?
Homer: [in sotto voce] Oh, great. [speaks up] All right, what makes you say that?
Lisa: Well, in Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin.
Homer: Well, duh.
Lisa: But everybody does it. I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak.
Homer: Oh. Look at this way, when you had breakfast this morning, did you pay for it?
Homer: And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing?
Lisa: No, I didn't.
Homer: Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker! Before I call the Feds!
Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious.
Homer: Well, thank you, honey.
[at work in the showers]
Lenny: Hey, big fight coming up.
Carl: Yeah, you wanna come over to my house and listen to round-by-round updates on the radio?
Lenny: Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, and then after the fight, we can watch the still photos on the 11:00 news.
Carl: Not too shabby!
Lisa: So even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family, that would be stealing?
Reverend Lovejoy: No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example.
Lisa: I see.
Reverend Lovejoy: Lisa, you came to see me for a reason...puzzled tone of voice...Is your father stealing bread?
Lisa: No; however, he pirated cable so we are getting it for free.
Reverend Lovejoy: I am afraid that is stealing. However, the Commandments apply to us all, and inasmuch as you are to respect the 8th Commandment, so you must also respect the 5th Commandment: "Honor thy father and mother." Since this is not a situation where your father is harming other people, it is not for you to go to the authorities. Instead, I ask that you set an example for your father by refusing to watch any ill-gotten cable programs.
Lisa: Hi, Dad. I think stealing cable is wrong, so I am choosing not to watch it in the hopes that others will follow my example. That's the last you'll hear from me on the matter. Thank you for your time.
Homer: Hey, Lisa... "Racing From Belmont"? Horsies!
Lisa: Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.
(In bed, Homer and Marge argue about the illegal cable.)
Homer: [about Lisa] There's something wrong with that kid. She's so moral. Why can't she be more like...well, not like Bart...
Marge: But Homer, I’m afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home.
Homer: (Sternly) Marge, I never put my foot down about anything.
Homer: But I am severely tempted to do it over this. (Raises foot)
Marge: Oh, Homer.
Homer: Marge, I'm sorry. I think it's coming down.
Marge: No, Homer! Not--
Homer: (Sticks foot over floor) It's coming down. My foot, it's--
Homer: That's it, Marge. The cable stays. The foot has spoken. (Slams foot down)
Lisa: I just want to call attention to the fact that I'm not watching this fight as my form of nonviolent protest.
Homer: [to Lisa when she just stares at him] Hey, go protest outside, will ya? Now!
Homer: [to Lisa when she's staring at him outside] Will you quit staring at me like that?!
Homer: Quick, Bart! Hide the stuff I borrowed from work!
Homer: Alright, that stuff I stole from work.
Homer: I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know that I've made a couple of really important decisions. Number 1: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over, and Number 2: I'm not very fond of any of you.
Bart: [begging Homer not to cut the cable] Dad, I beg you to reconsider. Tractor pulls. Atlanta Braves baseball. Joe Franklin!