(Bart prepares his money pulling prank and Hans Moleman is walking down the street)
Bart: Ah, my first sucker! (chuckles)
Moleman: Oh, a dollar. Now I can have lunch! (tries to grab the bill when his glasses fell, making him see perfectly) Hmm? It's a trick! I never needed these. (Throws his glasses and walks off. Bart groans)
Cletus: Oh, lookie here, it's the old fishing line on a dollar bill prank. Man, even a backwoods, no account, inbred, lead-paint-eating, kerosene-huffing, roadkill-chomping, uh... what was my point? (walks away)
Kirk: (to Luann) That is a practical joke, Luann. Which is too bad, because I desperately need that dollar. Yeah, I could also use the fishing line to get some dinner.
Luann: Bart, if Milhouse is hiding with you, tell him he has to shop for school clothes. (Milhouse comes out from behind the bushes)
Milhouse: Yay! School clothes!
Bart: (To Homer, who's watching football) Dad, I'm worried. No one is falling for my pranks anymore!
Homer: Son, I know this seems like the biggest disappointment of your life, but trust me, there are going to be so many more. What you've got to remember is... Oh my God, thirteen men in the field! Review it, review it, review it! Yes! Play stands!
Lisa: Mom, I've been working on a new solo jazz piece.
Marge: (groans) Can I hear it? (Lisa starts playing her Jazz solo)
Homer: Oh, I'd love to stay and listen, but I'm late for work! (leaves and comes back with Snowball V) Here's another super-fan to hear you lay down your licks! (Leaves, comes back, puts glasses and a beret on Snowball V and leaves again)
Homer: (bringing flowers to Marge) Marge, nothing says "I'm sorry" better than flowers. Except for fundamental behavioral change, but you can't buy that at the supermarket.
Marge: (smells the flowers) They do smell nice.
Lisa: Hey Dad, want to hear my solo? I added a few variations today!
Homer: (embraces Marge) Of course I would!
Lisa: Okay! Aw, my reed is split. I'll be right back! (runs upstairs)
Marge: I've already heard Lisa's song once! I've had a long day, and to be completely honest, (Lisa appears around a corner) I really can't stand jazz! (Lisa passes out and wakes up soon after)
Homer: What about when Lisa plays it?
Marge: All the same. Ugh! (Santa's Little Helper blows into the sax, playing a note) Sounds great, honey! (Lisa starts sobbing)
Marge: She Called me "Mar-jo-rie."
Homer: So? Bart calls me Homer.
Lisa: So, let's get it all out here! Mom, you were only pretending to like it this morning when I played My Funny Valentine!
Marge: That was My Funny Valentine? Oh boy.
Lisa: Wouldn't expect you to get it. So busy juggling three children, you don't even notice when one is hanging by a thread. A thread you just cut forever!!
Homer: Lisa, this a family. You do not take that tone with another family member!
Bart: You tell her, Butterbean!
Homer: Shut up, idiot!
Marge: What if Lisa doesn't want to be friends with me anymore?
Homer: Marge, it's not your job to be friends with your kids. It's my job! Good night, sweetie! Oh, uh... Bart and I are gonna see an R-rated movie Saturday. It has boobs, but they're elf boobs. Is that cool?
Marge: Hmm... I guess.
Principal Skinner: Ah, good old peanut brittle. (opens the can and some springs jump out) What the!? A coiled wire spring covered by a snake-patterned vinyl sheath?
Marge: Lisa, our weekend in Capital City will make us friends again! Oh, I don't see your saxophone.
Lisa: That must be a relief to you.
Marge: Honey, I want you to bring it.
Lisa: Sure. Should I grab some Kenny G CDs too? Some Chuck Mangione?
Marge: That would be lovely! Oh, I... I get it, they're popular, so you don't like them. Just please get your sax. (Lisa runs inside)
Raphael: Airport shuttle?
Marge: Yes! I'm going on a trip with a special little girl.
Raphael: That baby is adorable.
Marge: Oh, it's not the baby. (Maggie gets angry at Marge) Great, now I've got both daughters mad at me.
Raphael: May I say that you sound like a terrible mother? But no one ever cares what the shuttle bus driver thinks. "Take me to terminal four" they say.
Marge: Actually, we're at terminal three.
Raphael: Arguing with everyone today, aren't you?
Bart: I'm feeling really sad too, dad.
Homer: Nothing cheers people up like a baby! (gives Maggie to him)
Homer: Boy, we each have to do our part, and I'm gonna make dinner, and I'm gonna start with... (a van playing a jingle drives down the street) Ice cream! (Homer starts chasing the van) Come back! Don't make me jog!!
Ned: (To Bart)Why is your father chasing after the spay and neuter van?
Bart: You got me.
Tour Guide: Hi folks, and welcome to the Capital City Dream Tour! If you're here for the Capital City Crime Tour, that leaves in 20 minutes! (Half of the people leave the bus)
Marge: There's got to be something here that'll calm down little yellow pill. (some musical jingles start playing)
Jingle for Paul Blart Mall Cop:
Here comes Paul
To guard the mall
But when will he fall in love?
Jingle for G.I. Jane:
Hey, G.I. Jane
Let's make it plain
How do you train for love?
Jingle for Men In Black:
Men in black
We'll state a fact
The thing that you lack is love!
Marge: I always like when a black guy teams up with a white guy. It gives us hope!
Lisa: The Bad News Bears? Is there nothing so beautiful that they won't keep exploiting till it's worthless? (a Season 17 DVDs ad flashes on the screen)
Marge: Well, they're expensive, which means if I die, you're still taking me. Also, I bought you a little present from a street vendor. (shows earrings of two cucumbers dressed as Jazz musicians) They're earrings! He's a cool cucumber, huh?
Lisa: Mom, I'm really not into jewelry right now.
Marge: (gasps) You're not wearing your pearls!
Lisa: Uh... the clasp wasn't working.
Marge: I can fix it!
Lisa: There are some things that can't be fixed!
Marge: What are you saying?
Lisa: (sobs): You really don't understand how much this has hurt me! (sobs) Jazz is my thing, and you said you loved my thing, but you lied! (turns her back to Marge)
Marge: You'll have a daughter someday too, and when she yells at you like that... she'll be right! (starts crying)
Lisa: (thinking) Oh... who can sit with their back turned as their mother is crying? (pause) A jazz musician, that's who. (to the Jazz Cucumbers) Well, you guys understand.
Jazz Cucumber 1: Don't look at me, I'm a pity present.
Jazz Cucunber 2: I'm just glad I'm not in a salad!
Gil: Hey, look at ol' Gil holding a baby, I'm not even dropping it. D'oh, Why did I say that? Now it's all I can think about! (drops the glass Maggie) Oh, every time I get a great job I drop a baby!
Lisa: (thinking) Lisa, you're gonna have to admit it. Your mom has the bad taste of... well... a mom. I'm gonna have to mother myself. (imagines her sitting on the lap of an adult Lisa)
Adult Lisa: You quit complaining and pretend you like it! (Lisa fakes a smile)
Marge: (thinking) I knew she'd come around.
Homer: (To Maggie who had her hair cut like Bart's) Why you little!
Bart: Dad, no! You're gonna strangle a baby!
Homer: (gasps) Oh my God. That would've been horrible! (to Bart) Why you little! (strangles him) Turning a sweet little baby into a you! (sits beside him) Bart, you're a great kid, but if I had another one like you, I'd hang myself from a highway overpass! Please, give your sister the precious gift of not being you.
Bart: Okay Dad. Mags, it was fun while it lasted. (puts her hair back to normal)
Homer: Huh? Ha! I didn't know it was that easy. (makes Bart's hair look like Maggie's)
Bart: Stop that! (makes his hair like Sideshow Bob's)
Homer: Aah! Sideshow Bob!
(Marge, Lisa and Andrew Rannells are on a restaurant)
Marge: So Lisa, think we'll see any stars?
Lisa: Mom, it's a tourist trap. Celebrities don't actually come in here!
Andrew: Until... today. Right?
Marge: Well, you never know! I'll ask the hostess if anyone's expected. (leaves the table)
Lisa: Oow... she keeps doing this!
Andrew: I'm sorry, what?
Lisa: Every time she tries to fix things between us, it just emphasizes how different we are! For what it's worth, my mom loved your show tonight. She pretty much sees the best in everything! Amazing, really, considering she has a husband who randomly shows up to work, a son who, God bless him, is probably heading for the chair...
Andrew: And an ungrateful little girl who ignores her mother's frantic attempts at reconciliation, and tells family secrets to a total stranger! A total stranger The New York Times calls "a charming presence".
Lisa: You don't know me at all! But hardly anybody likes jazz. Why should I expect my mom to? (imagines her with the Adult Lisa again)
Adult Lisa: That's right. You have to see the other side. The one that always makes you wrong.
Lisa: (sobs) Mom, Mom! (hugs Marge) I can't stay mad at you. I'm putting my pearls back on! (puts her pearl necklace)
Marge: Oh, thank you, sweetie. And I apologize for expressing my sincere feelings.